While I was home - Derek's Wedding day

Derek and I started our drive to Oakland alone together, and i'm glad. it was like a final hoorah. we BLASTED Imagine Dragons, and i told him everything about Karl. He told me a lot about Raycelan. i finally felt caught up and whole with him. 

I couldn't help the bittersweet feelings, too. 

I was sad that this era was over. 

I am so grateful now to have had that last car ride with Derek. 

I love my brother. 

FINALLY, we got to the hotel, and Karl had already been there, meeting my entire family tree for 20 minutes or more. 

You can read more about our happy reunion on our blog HERE.

after which, we spent the entire night holding hands and staring at each other. i couldn't believe he was real. 

my 3 oldest neices and i had a mini party sleepover in my room. at one point we played "wedding". Natalie was the bride and Karl, being the only boy present, was the groom. (and so her adoration of Karl began, haha. )

Also, we did this thing with the hotel mirrors that i love. i think it's funny. 

i love these 3 chicas. 

then Karl and i went on a "date" aka kiss and snuggle until 11:00, then rush back to the hotel to read scriptures and get some sleep. 

I came back to this adorable scene:

and WEASEL!

THEN, THE BIG DAY WAS FINALLY HERE.

(in a different room, unbeknownst to me, the little girls had shown their families the mirror thing, and these hilarious scenes ensued)

We have a tradition of singing together as a family before weddings. We've succeeded with most of the weddings. This one was especially tender to me for some reason. It could have been that Justin, Derek's best friend was there, and that i felt Landon with us, too. 

It could have been that my dear Karl was sitting with my entire family, and i knew that he would be my husband someday. 

It could have been that it was Derek's wedding day, and that Derek and i have a sweet relationship. I'ts like silver, and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. 

Then was the mad dash to the temple, including Dylan, Derek's other best friend, getting there in the nick of time. 

Karl, Jenae, Justin, my Unce Rodney, and I, were in charge of the grandchildren during the temple ceremony. We successfully wrangled all eleven of them with raisins and coloring books and games. Ryder cried for a bit because he, "just wanted to give mommy a goodbye hug and kiss!"

precious. 

Seth looked a little worried the entire time, and Maris was definitely unsure for the first couple of minutes, but eventually all was well and although I think Justin and Jenae were scarred for life, we made it through with no injuries or major meltdowns!

I was actually really impressed with Rodney for keeping Hazel calmly sleeping the entire time. Also, watching Karl with my nieces and nephews was incredibly sweet. What a cutie. He's good (and adorable) with babies. which is great, because i've always wanted a whole bunch of 'em. 

i am having the hardest time motivating myself to finish this post. probably because it's 3 months late. enjoy these pictures with maybe some captions. 

I love these next two photos because 

I'm hugging the guts out of Raycelan and Derek, and their faces look so sincere and happy. 

this picture is great. 

A)Donny is a phenomenal dad

B) me laughing with Karl and da homie Dylan Shawan

C) Justin Potter, totally comfortable with all my siblings because he's practically family himself. 

The photographer asked us who was the funniest sibling. everyone turned to Derek. 

He shrugged, and told a joke that made us all laugh, and the pictures made me smile all over again. 

so so so so fun

after the very long picture taking was finished, we drove the 3 hours back to Madera as quick as possible to finish setting up for the reception. Several of the cars in our caravan got stuck in traffic. Including me and Karl. but i didn't mind :)

the reception was adorable. My mom and Christine did a lovely job!

and we danced the night away :)

"-porn" as a suffix

There is a trend now a days that I want to talk about.

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Before i do so, i was asked to do a little disclaimer to any younger or sensitive readers. This post contains no pornography whatsoever. Quite the contrary. But I do talk about the effects of pornography that I've experienced and seen in my life personally and through lives of loved ones. 

If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to scroll past or wait for the next cheery post. 

This is just something I've felt passionately about for some time, and i will not apologize for posting it.
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I’ve seen more and more people add the word “Porn” to the end of a phrase, or to another word to make it a phrase, to mean that something is beautiful, desirable, or thought provoking.

For example: a Facebook page entitled, “Food Porn” that shares daily photos or videos of delicious looking meals or video recipes for refreshing drinks. 

A photo album on the popular site ‘Imgur’ captioned “Earth Porn”, full of breath-taking landscapes and intricate plants. 

Quotes shared with the title “Word Porn” because of the eloquent speech used.

A comment on a photo of a man’s brand new tool set, displayed artfully on a woodworking bench that read, “#ToolPorn” with a heart-eyed emoji.

WHY ARE WE USING THE WORD “PORN” AS A SYNONYM FOR BEAUTIFUL?

WHEN DID “PORN” BECOME THE DEFINITION OF A COLLECTION OF WONDERFUL THINGS?

Maybe some people are unfamiliar with what "porn" even means, or have forgotten.

It’s a shortened version of the word pornography, which is the capturing of sexual experiences via film, photography, audio, or literature for the purpose of arousing an audience not involved in the sexual experience themselves.

That’s what “Porn” is.

So saying that a picture of the Grand Canyon at sunset is Earth Porn literally does not make sense. 

That’s not what bothers me, though.

People are using “Porn” as more than just a shortened word that describes literal Pornography, they are using “-porn” as a suffix that implies satisfaction, beauty, awe, or inspiration.

That is what bothers me.

Trust me when I tell you that:

- Pornography is not beautiful, it is fake. 

                Pornography is designed to look like a real relationship, but it is a lie. The people you are witnessing do not actually love each other, nor are they actually feeling pleasure. They are faking it. It isn’t sexy, because it isn’t sex. Sex is an ultimate expression of love between two people who want to bind themselves together. Pornography is actors, or slaves (which is an entirely separate topic that I will not delve into now) faking love to earn money or keep a certain status, or a myriad of worse reasons. Pornography is a foul, sordid, and counterfeit distortion of sex that forces images and ideas into our minds that we can’t in reality compete with. Pornography kills real love in relationships by replacing actual displays of affection with false expectations of pleasure. It inhibits the ability to feel and experience true beauty of sex with a loving partner. 

                You will feel frustrated that your partner can no longer fill your needs. You will feel confused, because you don’t seem as close to your partner. Something will wedge between you. The love between you may run out. 

                When one person acts this way, the people around them feel the effects. Pornography doesn’t just numb you, it numbs your loved ones. It numbs whole families, which are the foundation of society. When pornography is mainstream in society, it is available to increasingly greater masses of people, it is available to increasingly younger audiences, who have no other expectation for sex, and who grow up thinking that the intimacy they see or hear in pornography is the only kind there is, when it is only really a lewd imitation of actual love. Those younger people will become used to the ideas they see, and base their relationships on false principles that will not stand the test of time and trial.

That is not beautiful. That is shattering.

-                -      Pornography does not satisfy you, it plants a seed of insatiable hunger in your mind 

Our minds react immediately and drastically to the chemicals produced in our bodies when we view, hear, or read pornography. The reaction can only be duplicated a few times with the same effect. After those first few times, our minds and bodies because used to the amount of chemicals, and the fierceness of their entrance. That becomes normal. That becomes the only reaction that is able to arouse us. From then on, our brains need more chemicals, bigger reactions, more intense material, to create the same feeling. 

Our mind can never get enough to be full, because the reactions don’t last.

They are too potent, too fleeting, and too shallow. Unlike true intimacy in love which produces lasting, bonding effects between partners. 

So our mind stays hungry for more.

That is not satisfaction. That is starvation.

-              -        Pornography is not awe-inspiring, it is destructive and addicting.

As I just said, our minds can’t do just one pornographic image. They can’t handle just one movie, one chapter, or one song. After one, our minds demand another, and another, and then our minds start needing another and another, just to feel “normal”. It is not normal. It is corrosive. 

When addicted to any substance, our minds will put that substance at the forefront of our thoughts 24/7. Our brain makes that thing our number one priority, pushing aside real necessities, and relationships with actual precedence, because it thinks we need that thing to survive. It convinces us that we need it to survive. The substance has successfully taken control of our desires and depleted our will power so that we can hardly fight back. We feel like a shell of ourselves, a slave to someone else’s wishes.

That is not inspiring. That is terrifying.

Pornography does not provoke thoughts that improve us, or that encourage us. Pornography provokes thoughts that decompose our ability to feel, that distort our ideals, and that tear apart our real-life relationships - romantic or not.

Stop using “-porn” as a synonym for beautiful or desirable.

Stop spreading the falsehood that pornography is satisfying in any way.

Stop putting pornography in the mainstream of our society for younger and younger people to see and fall prey to.

Stop perpetuating lies about sex and healthy intimacy.

Stop using “-porn” as a suffix.  

While I was home - May before Derek's wedding

May was wonderful. I was working every day with 5 sweet little boys and really making progress with them. I got to skype Karl every day, Jenae was doing tons of fun school stuff that i got to hear about, and we were all getting geared up for Derek and Raycelan's wedding!

as i said before, i'm not going to show close ups of the faces of or use the names of my students, for their own privacy. But i do have some adorable candid shots of them from throughout may. 

best friends. 

in an effort to be more brave, one of my new year's resolutions was to cook and bake more, slash to cook and bake NEW things that i'm not already comfortable with. 

one of the many i tried:

these nutella wraps. 

I made the pastry dough from scratch, thank you very much. 

and it was pretty bomb if i do say so myself. 

they don't look all fancy or pretty, and the dough took FOR. EV. ER. but they tasted great. 

this was my boy. the one i was specifically brought in to aid. Such a sweet child. most recesses we dug up rocks under trees. Then i started reading to him while he dug, and he loved it. he started talking to the other children more and opening up more to me. Soon it wasn't just him who dug while i read. One of his classmates joined him, and then another boy from his grade, and another, until pretty soon, every recess, 6-9 first graders would be huddled around me, poking at rocks in the ground or sitting on tree roots with wide eyes as i read from Zorgamazoo, Wonderstruck, and The Hobbit. They would willingly give up their active to come sit and the shade and be whisked into space, or the 1970s, or middle earth. Even if only for 15 minutes. 

It made me happy and sad. 

happy that they loved the stories, and happy that i got to read. I love reading out loud to children. 

but it also made me sad, because they were just drinking it up. 

Which makes me believe that they're not getting read to at home. 

Maybe it's just the opposite, though, and it's beCAUSE they are read to at home that they loved it at school!

hopefully that's the real reason. 

i'm telling you, these boys were precious. 

Madera in the spring? sigh. 

especially at dusk. gold. 

and don't forget Karl!
Skyping was a crucial part of our dating life. You can read more about it on my new blog! I'm trying to wean you guys off of this one and move on to melissamichialeinlove.blogspot.com

Skyping this sweet boy was the best part of my day every day. 

HE. IS. SO. HANDSOME. 

the degree to which his hair was ruffled was directly related to the intensity of his drowsiness. 

sigh.

he's adorable.

moving on. 

I tried to soak up as much time with Jenae as possible. which meant sunday snuggles were necessary.

THEN, I TURNED TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD!!!!!

finally. 

20 felt so young! hahaha

Karl sent me a package and i opened it on skype at midnight. 

I only asked for socks. He got me several different kinds, licorice, a book signed by Body K. Packer, and a very sweet hand written letter. AKA my heart was melted. 

I slept in, and talked to all my sisters on the phone. Jenae and Virat brought me home a giant pizza from my favorite parlor, as well as carrots and fancy apple juice. they love me. 

cuties. 

AND THEN!

Jenae took me to a movie!

CINDERELLA!!!

I'll miss driving these old roads. 

I was a little skeptical about a live action version of Cinderella, but

I LOVED THE MOVIE. 

They added so much meaning! but stayed so true to the original! and I LOVE THEIR HOUSE AND I LOVE THEIR DRESSES and i would love to live in a little tiny English cottage with Edwardian meets mid-century furnishings, okay, thanks. 

we had some fun with leaves afterward. 

because, you know, Jenae's a plant expert and knows all of the coolest leaves. 

I sent this one to Karl, because it was heart shaped :)

when we got home, i opened the rest of my presents with my faily, and Karl via skype

It was a very simple, but wonderful birthday. I felt loved, and that's the best part of birthdays. 

I also got several books and my very first official book BAG, so i was thrilled. 

Mother's Day:

I saw my dad picking flowers for my mother, and for the families he Home Teaches for church. He is such a tender man. i'm grateful for him. 

My Aunt and Uncle and cousins were visiting from Utah for a different cousin's wedding! it was fun to be with them all together again, and to joke together now that we're older and more clever. 

and right about here is when Derek married Raycelan, but that's for the next post!!

onto the second half of may!