2014: The Year I was pushed to new limits, but chose to
climb.
The year that everything clicked. The year I strove to be
great, the year I was just plain happy. The year I literally saw God’s hand in
every step of my plans – mostly because he was constantly correcting them.
The
year I loved and was loved more than I’ve ever felt.
The year I learned who I was and how strong I can be.
The best year.
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As i have done the past few years, here is my way too long year in review.
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January:
At home. Floundering. Still recovering from 2013, its
confusion and addiction and depression and loneliness and uncertainty.
I was doing paperwork to become a Substitute Para
Professional Aide, and it was taking forever which was mostly my fault. I
stupidly waited as long as possible to do things because as much as I hated
being at home doing nothing all day and being treated like a kid because I
lived at home, I apparently didn’t hate it enough to do anything about it. yet.
I was still reveling in the novelty of nothingness. I had chores to do, but
other than that I had no expectations to fill. Aka I was the laziest human on
earth.
Every day I’d wake up between 10 and 12, read my scriptures
and a conference talk. Then I’d “work out” (read: stretch and occasionally do
ten minutes of aerobic-y things)
Then if I needed to take a shower, I would. I’d change into
different clothes and clean the kitchen and maybe sweep the living room or
another small chore.
I visited my Sister and her family in LA for my nephew’s baby
blessing, and I went to some Young Single Adult activities and went out with
the sister missionaries quite often. Other than that I was a sloth through and
through and it was disgusting.
My only redeeming qualities during January were that I made
dinner pretty often and I would drive Jenae places so my mom didn’t have to.
And in other news, my crush on a sweet boy named Ryan was
blooming quite quickly.
song of the month:
White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes
White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes
February:
I painted a lot. And read a lot. I figured I should be at
least using my talents. So my usual routine now included painting, playing the
piano, singing at the top of my lungs, writing ridiculously long journal
entries, and reading novels in obscenely short periods of time. I finished a
journal.
I went out with the sister missionaries a lot more, but I was
just looking forward to going back to school in April. I got a letter from Boyd
Kenneth Packer and felt way more important than necessary, but honestly, that
letter was a big deal for me. I had painted a portrait of him and sent it to
him, and he wrote me back! It was simple but sweet and personal and
encouraging.. and It was just the boost that I needed to shut the door on
whatever funk was still lingering. I started watching a classic Disney movie a
day. Haha. I wanted to see the old ones I hadn’t watched in a while.
And then, out of nowhere, came the feeling:
Stay home this semester.
I brushed it aside. No big deal. I attributed it to me
wanting to be lazy for a longer period of time, and I said, “heck no, satan!
You’re not taking any more of my time! I’m gonna be productive and go back to
school when I’m supposed to! Booyah!”
but there it was again! Subtly as I drove home from the temple, calmly as I read the scriptures, sitting at my little white desk in front of my window looking at the cool overcast sky:
but there it was again! Subtly as I drove home from the temple, calmly as I read the scriptures, sitting at my little white desk in front of my window looking at the cool overcast sky:
Stay home this semester.
Finally, I decided to pray about it, because it had been on
my mind but I’d been pushing it out because I so wanted to be back in Rexburg
with my friends, learning. Even though I was now doing many positive productive
things, I still felt like I was being lazy just because I wasn’t doing anything
incredibly long term like taking classes. I felt stagnant, and I hated it. I
wanted to be back in school.
but once morning after I read, I knelt and asked.
nothin’.
which surprised me, because I’d had so many thoughts about it.
but once morning after I read, I knelt and asked.
nothin’.
which surprised me, because I’d had so many thoughts about it.
So I went about my normal day, and by the time I was getting
ready to say my prayer before I went to sleep, I already knew what the answer
was. I felt it sliding around my brain, but I had to be sure so I asked anyway.
“I really really really want to go back to school. You know
that. But is that what YOU want for me right now?”
And I felt the answer in every part of my heart:
Stay home from school this semester.
And I cried myself to sleep.
For a lot of reasons. How would I tell my parents? They’d
think it was just because I liked a boy, which had absolutely nothing to do
with it. Why was I assigned to the Fall Spring track at BYUI if I wasn’t
supposed to go back for this spring semester? (answer: so you could meet
Jaylene and Mark and Rachel and Chris etc. so you could fall In love with
sunsets and be there in the winter of 2014 to help Allison and her family. So
you go to Nauvoo. A million reasons.) Would my roommates be mad? I WANT TO BE
IN REXBURG SO MUCH MORE THAN I WANT TO BE IN MADERA RIGHT NOW. Etc etc etc so
many confused tears.
but I had felt the answer and I couldn’t deny that. So I accepted it.
but I had felt the answer and I couldn’t deny that. So I accepted it.
I didn’t tell my mom for two weeks, but I accepted it. when I
finally did tell my mom, golly was that a conversation. Haha.
“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014”
counter:
1 – staying home in the spring
But then, the fact that I was staying home until the fall (or
so I thought) gave me the motivation to do a lot of things. Finish the paper
work for Para stuff. Be the stage manager for the Madera South spring musical.
Let my feelings for a dear boy with addictive eyes show plainly instead of
telling myself that I was dumb for liking someone when I was only to be home a
few months.
I started working as a stage manager and immediately loved it. I miss theatre. I started dating that boy and immediately fell for it. He was a barrel of fun.
I started working as a stage manager and immediately loved it. I miss theatre. I started dating that boy and immediately fell for it. He was a barrel of fun.
February was a full month.
song of the month:
"Odds Are" by the Barenaked Ladies
song of the month:
"Odds Are" by the Barenaked Ladies
March:
I just let myself be unabashedly happy, and I don’t regret
it. I made deep connections with people here, including the sister
missionaries, one of whom was Stephanie, my future roommate. I was still dating
that boy, and he made me pretty happy. I celebrated Jenae’s birthday with the
usual pomp. I got glasses and found out how horrid my back is, haha. Two of my
sisters visited with their adorable children. I was still stage manager. Going
out with the missionaries all the time and learning a lot about myself. I was
happy.
And then on a whim I decided to go through with my inclination and Derek’s prodding to apply to be a Sports Camps counselor.
And then on a whim I decided to go through with my inclination and Derek’s prodding to apply to be a Sports Camps counselor.
On a weekday morning I had an over the phone interview with
the Head counselors and it was weird taking Derek to as my brother, but as my
potential boss, haha. I went outside to get better reception. And I ended up
walking up and down the driveway for the phone call kicking rocks to calm my
nerves. It was a standard interview until the last question, and as I was
answering, I felt like someone had just poured warm water over my head and it
was running down over me. Looking back, I imagine a great big clock or some
kind of old mechanism with lots of cogs and wheels. That thing is my life. And
as I was answering my final question, I felt a giant cog click into place and
the machine- my life- start whirring.
We exchanged pleasantries and ended the phone call. I hung up
and sat down on my driveway. I stared at my mailbox and physically felt
different. Better. And that afternoon I found “The Bleachers” and fell head
over heels for the song, “I wanna get better”.
Little did I know it would become my anthem. The mantra of
2014
April:
I saw Wicked for the first time. Jenae and I were way too
dressed up, but who cares? I changed a bunch of names in my phone to reflect
Star Wars characters: Dad Vader, Queen Momadalla, Ryhan solo, Deruke Skywalker,
Darth Mal, Jonafett Bounty Hunter, Mark2-D2. You get the picture. It was
awesome. Jonathan came home from school! And I didn’t go back, but I took one
infant development class online.. I FINALLY started work as a para
professional. I loved it, even though I had no idea what I was doing. The
musical I managed had its run, and it was fantastic. We celebrated Easter bunny
day and I helped at a friend’s wedding. On Easter morning that good boy and I
broke up, but it was for the better and we’re still friends. The next weekend I climbed a literal and
emotional mountain. Read that story here.
It was confirmed I would be a sports camp counselor for 7
weeks in the summer.
“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014” counter:
2 – deciding to leave home to work at Sports Camps
May:
I foolishly stopped going to activities besides church because I didn’t want that boy to be uncomfortable. I should have continued going, though, because I cut myself off from things way too early. I started embroidering. As a hobby. Thanks grandmom, haha. I loved my job. I loved helping students feel better about reading and school, and realize their potential. I was a counselor at my home Stake’s Youth Conference and got a small taste of my summer. I spent Memorial Day with my sister and her family in LA and they healed me of the weird blues I’d been feeling. Sister Blackham went home, and in the emotions of the moment I said, “let’s please be roommates in Rexburg this fall.” And she agreed.
I foolishly stopped going to activities besides church because I didn’t want that boy to be uncomfortable. I should have continued going, though, because I cut myself off from things way too early. I started embroidering. As a hobby. Thanks grandmom, haha. I loved my job. I loved helping students feel better about reading and school, and realize their potential. I was a counselor at my home Stake’s Youth Conference and got a small taste of my summer. I spent Memorial Day with my sister and her family in LA and they healed me of the weird blues I’d been feeling. Sister Blackham went home, and in the emotions of the moment I said, “let’s please be roommates in Rexburg this fall.” And she agreed.
June:
I finished the school year in my long-term sub position at
the end of the school year and was surprisingly emotional when it was time to
leave. I’m so grateful for the skills and things I learned during that job. We
celebrated Father’s day and I saw “Once” in San Fransisco the day before I
hugged my mom in the cool morning air on Gina’s driveway and left for Sports
Camps.
And really, that’s when everything took off.
The entire previous 6 months were in preparation for this.
My brother in Law drove me to Provo the morning of June 19th
and I was absolutely terrified. I met Derek at the apart complex and he let me
stash my stuff in his living room because I couldn’t check into my apartment
and then he had to get back to work, head counselor and all. So he wished me
luck and I looked up “BYU Smoot Administration Building” on google Maps because
I didn’t know how to get there. Haha.
an hour later, I walked into the Marriott Center, Derek tossed me a counselor shirt, and ushered me to Rachel who told me some basic things to know but I heard zero percent of it because I was focusing so hard on not shaking like a leaf. But I did feel her escorting me toward a table full of other counselors. One of whom I recognized from a TV documentary on BYU tv, no big deal. Then I heard, “you know Dylan, right? We’ll sit you next to him for this morning. You’ll get the hang of it after the first couple of kids come through.” I had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn’t heard any of her instructions, but I heard, “Hey! How’s it going, homie!” I turned and saw Dylan, and literally sighed in relief at a face that wasn’t completely foreign. I don’t remember anything he said to me either, except that he asked me if I wanted to Marry Janet’s little brother Scott. Bless Dylan for taking me under his wing that week. A very big brother-ly thing to do. It reminded me of Landon and Anthony and Justin, so I was comfortable and it allowed me to be at ease with my girls, who were wonderful.
an hour later, I walked into the Marriott Center, Derek tossed me a counselor shirt, and ushered me to Rachel who told me some basic things to know but I heard zero percent of it because I was focusing so hard on not shaking like a leaf. But I did feel her escorting me toward a table full of other counselors. One of whom I recognized from a TV documentary on BYU tv, no big deal. Then I heard, “you know Dylan, right? We’ll sit you next to him for this morning. You’ll get the hang of it after the first couple of kids come through.” I had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn’t heard any of her instructions, but I heard, “Hey! How’s it going, homie!” I turned and saw Dylan, and literally sighed in relief at a face that wasn’t completely foreign. I don’t remember anything he said to me either, except that he asked me if I wanted to Marry Janet’s little brother Scott. Bless Dylan for taking me under his wing that week. A very big brother-ly thing to do. It reminded me of Landon and Anthony and Justin, so I was comfortable and it allowed me to be at ease with my girls, who were wonderful.
July:
This month.
Man, July. It was literally, truly, and completely perfect.
Oh, it was hard. Terribly hard. It stretched me in every way
I could think of, and some ways that were totally new.
My niece got baptized. My boss became one of my best friends.
I met a Mormon celebrity (kind of). I danced like an idiot. Twice a week. I fell
head over heels for my campers. Minus the week of she-devils that made me cry
every night. My roommate Leah at
Cinnamon Tree was a homie. I didn’t actually get to go to Six Peaks, like ever,
because it always sprinkled. I spent lots of nights with Derek, Dylan, Rachel,
Shanna, and Phillipa. I made a bunch of friends in my ward. Including Karl, who
is the coolest cat ever. He randomly hiked the Y with me and my roommate on
pioneer day, just because we asked him to. Aka he’s great. I painted. I loved
and laughed and generally had a smile on my face all day every day. I finished
a journal.
And here’s something:
I felt overwhelmingly that I should apply to BYU for the
winter semester. Transfer schools??? Whaaa????
but that’s what I felt, so that’s what I prepared for. I got a winter contract at my complex, I scheduled for fall semester classes in such a way that complemented my decision, and you can read more about that whole process here.
I loved BYU-Idaho but I knew I was supposed to apply to BYU, and that was a GIGANTIC change for me.
but that’s what I felt, so that’s what I prepared for. I got a winter contract at my complex, I scheduled for fall semester classes in such a way that complemented my decision, and you can read more about that whole process here.
I loved BYU-Idaho but I knew I was supposed to apply to BYU, and that was a GIGANTIC change for me.
“Times in 2014 that I made a plan and God gave me a better
one” counter:
3 – Applying to BYU for Winter Semester
August:
I threw Derek a surprise Pokemon themed birthday ‘party’. I whistled
a whooooole lot, and taught other people to whistle. I tried to live every last
minute to its fullest potential my last week of sports camps with the best
group of girls all summer, and then cried and cried and cried when it was all
over. But I gained a pen pal! Rachel O, the sweetest human to walk the earth.
when I was home, I swam in the ocean for the first time in yeeeears. I was the assistant librarian at my old high School and LOVED it. I felt important and needed, but not as much as at Sports Camps. I loved feeling like a grown up, wearing nice clothes to work every day and being a part of the staff meetings. I loved knowing all about the books people would ask for, and honestly, I was just really good at being a librarian. Haha. I loved taking a book from a jam-packed shelf and watching all the ones around it breathe out to fill in the empty space. I love the smell of the old books we discarded. I loved turning on duke Ellington once school got out, and the feeling of accomplishment that came when I locked up every day. When my sub position at the library was over, I tried really hard not to be sad, because I missed my provo life and I no longer felt important.
when I was home, I swam in the ocean for the first time in yeeeears. I was the assistant librarian at my old high School and LOVED it. I felt important and needed, but not as much as at Sports Camps. I loved feeling like a grown up, wearing nice clothes to work every day and being a part of the staff meetings. I loved knowing all about the books people would ask for, and honestly, I was just really good at being a librarian. Haha. I loved taking a book from a jam-packed shelf and watching all the ones around it breathe out to fill in the empty space. I love the smell of the old books we discarded. I loved turning on duke Ellington once school got out, and the feeling of accomplishment that came when I locked up every day. When my sub position at the library was over, I tried really hard not to be sad, because I missed my provo life and I no longer felt important.
September:
I took Jenae’s senior pictures. Weird. For a week, I was a
substitute paraprofessional Aide at an elementary school, and then it was back
to Idaho! But we stopped in provo for a football game first J.
I was ecstatic to FinALLY be back in Rexburg, after nine months, and to see all
my Rexburg friends again and to feel the sweet spirit at BYU-Idaho. But I was
sad. Because I was stressed. And lonely, even though I had five incredible
roommates and really good FHE brothers. I had a variation of foot and mouth disease,
which was fun. And my ear problems spiked, which I don’t talk about on my blog
but very soon they will probably get their own post.
I painted a lot. And experimented. Derek officially started dating Raycelan, and I was very happy for him, but also kind of jealous that I was no longer the main girl in his life, which I know might sound weird, but my brother is my best friend, and we were practically attached at the hip all summer, so it was just a big adjustment. But I’d known Raycelan all summer, and I knew she was a great girl, so I trusted the match.
I painted a lot. And experimented. Derek officially started dating Raycelan, and I was very happy for him, but also kind of jealous that I was no longer the main girl in his life, which I know might sound weird, but my brother is my best friend, and we were practically attached at the hip all summer, so it was just a big adjustment. But I’d known Raycelan all summer, and I knew she was a great girl, so I trusted the match.
October:
I came out of my funk, due in large part to my Family reunion
in St. George. Derek brought Raycelan and all my fears were completely calmed
once I saw them together. the cutest. I loved seeing my family, and being a
together again. I love us.
my apartment became good friends with our FHE boys, we were a fun grouping. Whenever I was stressed, I escaped to Jaylene and Mallorie’s house to get a back scratch and take a nap on Mallorie’s super comfy bed.
my apartment became good friends with our FHE boys, we were a fun grouping. Whenever I was stressed, I escaped to Jaylene and Mallorie’s house to get a back scratch and take a nap on Mallorie’s super comfy bed.
And then came the whammy: Melissa, you didn’t get into BYU. You
can read all about that here. Long story short, I was shocked and surprised and
confused. And then fine.
“Times in 2014 when I made a plan and God gave me a better
one” counter:
4 – Didn’t get into BYU even though I was definitely supposed
to apply.
I tried to focus on little happy things. It worked. Jaylene,
Mallorie, and I took a quick trip to Provo on Halloween.
November:
I genuinely loved my roommates, and it snowed. I was happy.
my classes were incredible, I’d finally found my major, and was completely okay
with staying at BYU-Idaho. I adored by purple croc moon boots. I ate MANY
purple potatoes. I finished a journal. We went to the midnight showing of
MockingJay part one and I snuck in Oreos and milk. I missed Thanksgiving dinner
and cried because I felt so bad, but then ate with some acquaintances. I
babysat Evelyn and got see Rachel, my boss :)
December:
I braided Stephanie’s hair 123512365432 times. Mark’s father
died and it was hard because I felt helpless. We finished reading Harry Potter
and the Sorcerer’s stone. I painted. I went insane from sleep deprivation and
stress. Donny graduated from College and moved back to the California Central
valley. I said goodbye to Jaylene for nine months, because she’s going to
Russia to teach English. And goodbye to Mal for 4 months because she’s staying
home in Fresno for winter semester. I came home and had an incredible Christmas
with my family, and now, on it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m typing this from my
sister Rebecca’s beautiful home in Salem, Utah, where it is 14 degrees outside and
there are 8 inches of snow on the ground. Unreal.
2014 was unforgettable, and there’s really nothing more I can
say about it other than that. I felt just about every emotion possible this
year. I changed. SO MUCH. And I and thrilled for a brand new year. I wonder
what it will bring for little old me.
