2013: A Year in Review

WARNING: the MOST pictures. deal. wif. et.

2013 was the year that did not make sense to me.

In good and bad ways. I feel like I found myself, like I know who I actually am. On the flipside, there were countless times this year when I just shook my head and tried to shrug my shoulders because nothing was fitting or making sense.

This year was hard for me, and I had to do a lot of searching and make decisions about who I want to be. But looking at the big picture, I think this year will be one that come back to for everything. I have felt almost emotion I can think of, and learned SO much. Been blessed so much! Here’s to 2013! Thanks for the memories!

January:

Overwhelmed, but then happy. I was absolutely enamored by my nieces and nephew that lived with us for several months. I will be forever grateful for these months with the kiddos, because they taught me about pure love. I didn’t even know that I had that much love to give, or that the kind of love I felt for these kids even existed in me! I had a small taste of motherhood, and it was exhausting to be 100% honest. I was really overwhelmed at first. After my brothers went back to school, I stayed home. And I realized how hard it was all going to be! I distinctly remember one day losing my temper with Natalie, and locking myself in my mom’s bathroom to just breathe. And I started to cry because I thought, “oh my gosh are the entire next few months going to be this crazy?!” so I prayed. And after a few minutes I realized that I could resent the next few months because I ‘had’ to help, or I could love the next few months because I ‘got’ to help. I chose to love them. And that mini-motherhood experiment turned out to be the most rewarding thing I’ve ever been a part of. The most happy I have ever been in my entire life was during these months at home with these beautiful souls.
In January My Bub turned 3 and I shook my head in disbelief. My best friend Janelle turned in her mission application papers, and Jenna and Natalie had me wrapped around their tiny fingers. I lost 10 of the freshman 20 that I gained in Idaho. yikes, haha. I also cleared up my face a bunch, which was great. And I started babysitting for a family in town a couple mornings a week which was so fun! I shared a room with Natalie and Jenna which was interesting. Haha. Sleeping in the same room with an infant is hard! I would hear her cry in the night and feel guilty because I wasn’t calming her, even though I knew that she was just hungry and that Allison would be there to feed her any minute. Haha. And Natalie sleep talks which is good for a few laughs! I took a beach trip with Janelle, Rory, Isai, and some other friends. They’re all on missions and I miss them bunches looking back at these pictures; that was a good trip.

February:

Happy. I switched rooms because I felt bad coming in late at night when the girls were already asleep, I didn’t like feeling that I might wake them up, because Jenna was a baby and Natalie had to go to school so early! So I roomed with Caleb. He also sleep talks, and it’s equally hilarious. Allison was pregnant with her fourth, so things were busier than ever. Jenna turned 1, we celebrated my Grandpa Hansen’s birthday, and my hero/cousin Ryan left on his mission. I continued nanny/babysitting for our family friends, losing weight, and by this point, Natalie and Caleb were more like siblings than my niece and nephew. I also started praying a lot more tan usual, and figuring things out. I kept a daily journal of my thoughts and feelings. I was so happy! A friend of mine, named Patrick, became a prominent figure, haha. In other words I was crushin’ big time. Oh yeah, and my ear was possessed by the devil himself. Mid February my right inner ear underwent an extremely painful, but altogether very minor, surgery. Afterward, I couldn't hear at all out of that ear for over a month. It still has never fully regained its hearing capacities and it still hurts often, but I’m grateful that it’s no longer swollen and in a constant state of searing pain, and I mean, hey, I can hear!

March:

The peak of happiness at home, for sure. I had a good rhythm going; nannying, playing, drive somewhere a couple nights a week to be with Janelle and Patrick.  I loved my responsibilities at church, I loved our weekly temple trips, I loved my journal; March was sweet, sweet sweet. MINUS MY WISDOM TEETH. I got my wisdom teeth out, which was absolutely horrible. And oh so attractive, haha. I painted a LOT in March. JENAE BECAME A GROWN UP HUMAN BEING. Not really, but she turned 16 and that blows my mind, even still. Not allowed. She will always be weasel to me. I loved the kids, and Allison and I had the best talks about everything, like every day. Ha. I cooked a lot, too, which is good. I should do that more often. I spent an entire day searching for a four-leafed clover for a St.Patrick’s day gift to a boy with gold eyes, who I spent a bit of time with in the month of March. Just a bit. Did I mention that I painted a lot? Because I painted A LOT. I trained Jenna to do several hilarious tricks, and Natalie moved into me and Caleb’s room. Party! I went to six flags with Janelle who got her mission call to BRAZIL (!!!) and re-read the Hunger Games series. SO good. We had a wonderful Easter and I was extremely content.
Song of the month: "Everything Has Changed" By Taylor Swift

April:

My Utah sisters and their beautiful children visited us! I missed them as soon as they left. I saw ‘In the Heights’ 14 times (literally) and the realization that I was going back to school started to sink in, so I tried as hard as I could to soak up every last minute I had at home. I said goodbye to Isai and Rory for 2 years, and my dog Boots died. Then I took a deep breath and said goodbye to my perfect family and comfortable environment and drove away to Idaho again. That transition was hard for me! The rest of April was really rough, and I still don’t know why except that I was just really homesick and Mallorie decided last minute to not go to school this semester. Thankfully I have INCREDIBLE family and friends who love me. My sisters especially helped during this rough patch. Allison sent me pictures of the kids, and she and her husband being happy made me happy. Rebecca sent me a cute early birthday package with bright colored things and funny gifts. And Katrina called me and we had a really good talk, which included the mentioning of this talk: Happiness, our Heritage. SO good. And it’s not the typical, ‘you can do it!’ pep talk. I mean, it is, but it’s not. Haha that doesn’t make sense, but if you read it, it might. Katrina also encouraged me to continue creating things, because that would make me happy. And it did, so thank you. I kept on painting. And started writing. I became a teacher at church. And slowly, I became happier.

May:

things that got me out of the late April rut: My birthday, TOLP, and Christopher Michael Moen. So yeah, I had my 19^th birthday! It was my first away from home, so I was worried that it would bomb, but I loved it! I woke up, went to the temple, came home and spoiled myself with pudding, and then spent the afternoon making my mom’s Lasagna. Yeeeeessss. And THEN I Saw ThePianoGuys in concert. I’ve loved Jon Schmidt for so long, I was so excited! And it certainly lived up to my expectations! After the concert we played Frisbee for the first time and it was a blast. The rest of May was great. I fell in love with my congregation, my classes and professors, especially Teachings of the Living Prophets. Man, so good. I had a little fling with a nice boy named Benson but it became clear quickly that our feelings for each other were mutually friendly and nothing more. I climbed a mountain! Established an incredible group of core friends, And hurray for Chris who became my best guy friend up here very quickly. (and no mom, despite popular belief, i don't have romantic feelings for him.) And uhmm hello, MIDWEST TRIP. WOW. Highlight of the semester? Yes. I went to Illinois, Missouri, Iowa and Nebraska visiting sites of historical value to my church. I. LOVED. It. worth every dime. In an obscure county in Missouri my heart grew more than I knew it could. And in an old swamp town in Illinois I came to know Joseph, the Prophet, for just that. A Prophet. An actual prophet like Moses or Abraham, and I never appreciated Joseph like I should have, now I can whole heartedly say that I love him for all that he did, with no reservations. And at a cemetery in Nebraska, I longed for the blessings temple more than I ever have. I stared at the stained glass windows, rain was starting to sprinkle and my heart was so full! I wanted to go inside for me, for the first real time. *sigh* and I got a new nephew! Ryder! May was so good.
Song of the month: "On Top of The World" by Imagine Dragons

June:

At this point I was set on staying in Rexburg for the summer, and I was happy with that decision. June was great. I went to a million rec sports games, had good grades (despite my bad sleeping habits), and honestly just hung out with Chris and the roomies all day every day. It was a good life. Jenae came to visit! We had a blast! There’s honestly not much else to say. I was just content!
Song of the month: "How Come You Don't Want Me" by Tegan and Sara

July:

Started with a bang! My family reunion! I was just so happy to be around everyone, I love the spirit that hangs around my family when we’re all together. It literally feels like it could be heaven. I love them so much! The reunion was perfect.
When I came home, Chris had a secret girlfriend and I was ticked. Haha. Not because I was jealous of her being his girlfriend, but because I literally spent all day every day with him, we were best friends and then we stopped hanging out altogether. Boo you, Chris. Atleast the girl is nice, or else it would have been horrible. I’m a terrible friend for being so bitter about it, hahaha. Whatever. I replaced him with Merlin.
a week and a half before the semester ended, I emailed the place I was supposed to live over the summer asking when I could start moving in. they were like, “oh, lol sorry, we forgot to tell you, we’re tearing down the complex! Haha, oops. You can live at the complex next to us, but it’s $150 more. Lolz good luck with life” WHAT. So I rushed to make arrangements to go home for 7 weeks. Paid an arm and a leg for storage, mooched off friends and asked them to take home some boxes for me, and took the LONGEST drive home of my life, haha. Really though it took us 28 hours to get home. It should only take 16, tops. So yeah.
But worth it, because my family was so happy to see me, and I got unlimited grapes all summer from mah pops. I LOVE my family, alright?
but then came an unexpected wrench in my plans. And for the first couple weeks I tried to wait it out, I assumed it would blow over. I hung out with the family, finished Merlin, harvested almonds (let me just say that almond Harvest was wonderful. It gave me hours to think, and I felt good about helping friends, and making money, I felt productive and it really helped me feel less sad. A lot less! Thank you, almonds and Peruches.) and tried to distract myself.
Song of the Month: "Hiding" by Dale Earnhardt jr jr

August:

I’m not a fan of sad. But that’s how I was. In August I had to give up a dream I’d had for almost as long as I can remember. And my best friends were all leaving on missions and I felt extremely alone. And how do you start over? I was miserable. I tried really really really hard to be happy, I hated going out but I did anyway, just to get away from my thoughts. I felt okay around my family, my mom was a hero during all of this, and I felt safe with my parents and siblings, but that’s it. Outside of home I felt uncomfortable, unwanted, like a shadow. I hated it, I have never felt like that, ever, and it really freaked me out. I didn’t know how to handle it so I went about it all wrong.
But there were a few lights in the dark; their names are MacKay. The same angels that made me so full in the winter and spring helped me get through my Khazad-dum Summer. I don’t know what I would do without my family! Though I was honestly depressed, I frequently came back to a feeling of peace that came only when I was with my family, and I knew then that I was loved by someone. Getting a new niece – Evelyn- was happy, and I loved seeing pictures of my other nieces and nephews enjoying their summer. Getting out of Madera for the last couple weeks of summer was the most God-sent opportunity of my life. My sister Allison was about to have her last baby, so I rode the train down and spent time with them. She and her husband inspire me, and her kids are my best friends. The morning after I got there, I woke up to tiny voices whispering about a foot from my head, “no brother, don’t wake her up yet!” “I’m not! I dust want to see her!” I smiled. and then cried, haha. It felt so good to be loved so unconditionally. They don’t care what I look like or what I’ve done. They only know that I love them and they love me, that’s all that matters. I needed that. I needed to have hugs from tiny arms and to hear “I wuv you aunt wissa” every night. I needed Natalie’s encouraging voice, she really does know exactly what to say, just like her mom. I needed Caleb’s spunk and Jenna’s sweet smile, Kent’s humor and Allison’s loving supportive talks. (p.s. Allison I had a bruised shin until way into November, haha. What a random injury!)
Song of the month: "Laughter Lines" by Bastille

September:

I came home for a couple days to pack and clean up my room, and then I was back to Rexburg, which seemed like a dreamland, far away and happy.

And oh, how I love Rexburg, you guys! I met my newest niece, Evelyn, who is an absolute doll. I reconnected with old friends and made lots of new ones, and slowly I came back to my normal happy self. I was always worried that rooming with a best friend would make you hate each other. Nope. Wrong. I’ve never felt closer to Mallorie. I love that girl. Jaylene and I have gotten closer as well. My other roommates…no comment. 
Song of the month: "All Comes Down" by Kodaline

October:

Our FHE brothers are great. We’re good pals, all of us. Except for Kyle who played Mallorie. FORGET YOU, KYLE. really, what a punk. But before we found out he was not very nice, kyle was a big part of our adventures. We like guy friends. I LOVED all of my classes, except math. I love Evelyn. I also love drawing giant cartoon versions of my FHE brothers. Apparently they get tons of comments on them, which makes me happy. Also, Doug. Had a huge crush on him, and he’s a great guy! But We’re just friends. I went to Utah for like 8 hours. Halloween was fun.  We became pals with Chad. Did I mention that I love Evelyn? She’s PERFECT. I also love pictures of my other nieces and Nephews that my sisters send me or put on their blogs. I have the CUTEST kids in my family. I win.
other than that, we see movies with Chris, and do homework, and that’s pretty much it.
Song of the month: "Leave" by Steve Kazee (from Once: The Musical)

November:

I WON A SUDOKU CONTEST. Still love Evelyn. IT FINALLY SNOWED. I am a pro doodler. Still love my classes. I was alone in my apartment for a week while my roommates all went home for thanksgiving. Jonathan, Chris and my FHE brother Austin joined me for the big meal, which went smoothly. After we ate and my friends left, Jonathan and I skyped my family that was gathered in LA. Jonathan took home some leftovers and went home. I cried on my couch for a good amount of time because I missed my family members who were together in California and I was super jealous of them all being together, because my family is my favorite thing. Ever. November literally FLEW by. And I was content. Life was good.
song of the month: "Icarus" by Bastille

December:

Stressed over finals. Ate way too many pumpkin muffins. Missed home, but loved Rexburg more than ever. I LOVE SNOW. can you tell that I’m a cry baby? Because I definitely am, haha. On the last day of my World Foundations 2 class, I didn’t REALIZE it was the last day, because it was only the 9^th. But it was, and I cried. Happy tears, mostly. Grateful ones. I LOVED that class. I handed in my final self-evaluation form and when my teacher reached out for a handshake, I gave him a hug. Haha. Don’t know if that’s allowed, but I did it. Love that guy.
It was made clear that our roommates HATE us, haha. I accidentally almost killed Doug. Painted lots. Cried on the last day of my New Testament class, because I learned so much about Jesus, and while I know I can continure learning no matter where I am, that class just had a special spirit about it that made me feel at peace even on the most hectic days. I reconnected with old friends and when I say old I only mean by a year, but still. Jonathan, Patrick, and I rode home with a boy from Fresno who had THE MOST PACKED CAR EVER. Honestly, the most uncomfortable/squished/frustrated I have ever been in my life, and for 12 hours. Yumsies. On the bright side, I am HOME. FINALLY. I ended the year with a bang. Lots and lots of family time for Christmas. Christmas was lovely, and as heartwarming as always. We sang a lot more than normal I feel like, but I am completely okay with that. Haha. I got to see a few of my old best friends which is always happy, and we spent a day on the coast with my mother's parents and my grammy, my mom's grandma. Family is such a happy thing, and i have some of the best family. 
Song of the month: "Love is an Open Door" from Frozen

Oh, 2013. How you’ve taught me.

Seriously, though, I feel like this year I was stretched to every limit in every emotion. At home picking four leafed clovers at my elementary school with a niece and nephew was the most loved and joyful I have ever felt. Nauvoo the most peaceful, Nebraska the most convicted. July the most content. August the most sad and lonely, but September the most hopeful. And Now, I feel simply like I have started over. I LOVE New Year’s Day, because it literally feels like a clean slate to me every year. Just an opportunity to wipe me clean and RESET. I need that in a lot of ways, but I also feel like it’s a ‘recharge’. There was a lot of ground laid in 2013 on which I think I will build the rest of my life.

And here’s my favorite New Year song lyric to wrap this all up with a bow:

“It’s a Brand New Year and my heart has been opened to a Brand New way, and I’m seeing new light. It’s a Brand New chance to show where I’m standing, and I’m not gonna miss this chance for a Brand New life!”

Now I'm off to a dance with my brothers and then i will watch the new episode of Sherlock *year and a half belated squeal*

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love, Melissa Michiale Hansen