Last night we had a dance. Like a stake dance. like we were 14. YES. IT WAS SUCH A BLAST.
YOU GUYS I LOVE MY ROOMMATES.
i know a lot of people say that. and sometimes i say that just because i'm trying to love them. but these girls. theeese girls. i love them so much.
Right before school started and we got or room assignments, i didn't know anyone besides stephanie, but i wasn't going to complain because that's annoying.
Instead i just prayed that wherever i ended up, it would be the right place. the right ward, the right sisters, the right atmosphere.
And the next day i got an email notifying me that my room assignment had been changed.
and every day i discover a new reason why i was supposed to be in my apartment. in my ward. with my roommates. AND I LOVE IT.
anyway.
Partaaayyy
i don't know why our guy friends have a wheelchair in their house, but they do. cool.
(our friend ran around the building until she found a light switch and turned off the lights. hahaha.)
It was so so so fun.
I love dancing like a complete idiot.
At one point Stephanie was doing the Worm. and maybe she hit her head right on the stupid floor.
but we kept dancing. laughed it off.
then, at 3:30 in the morning she woke up frantic and disoriented and was vomiting and her eyes were saucers and she was all jittery and weird. Turns out that worm gave her a concussion and i went back to sleep but even hearing about it was pretty freaky to be completely honest.
Sophia stayed up with her since she didn't have morning classes today.
And at one point i guess things got scary because Sophia called our Friends Trevor and Art, convinced that she needed to be driven to the hospital. Stephanie protested, so Sophia just asked the boys to come over and give her a blessing. they did, and it calmed the situation considerably.
Right now Stephanie is sleeping in the bed next to me with my frozen peas and carrots bag behind her neck and all our lights are off.
Can i just stand on a rooftop and shout for joy about those dear boys who answered their phone at 4 am and walked to our apartment through the pouring rain to give Stephanie a Blessing?
I love them for that.
there is something so selfless about giving a Blessing.
Imagine living your life in a way that you are always ready to help someone in need. I can't imagine the responsibility that comes with the Priesthood. i get choked up thinking about how grateful i am for the Good Men in my life who are always ready to be of service.
Thanks, Trevor and Art.
We sure do love you.
__________________________
My friend Bret is getting married today!! AAAAAA!! YOURE A WIFE! YOU'RE PART OF A WHOLE THAT'S COMPLETELY YOUR OWN!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Christmas came early today for BYU-Idaho students!
Jeffrey R. Holland came to speak at our weekly Devotional service.
and he said, "Just another day in Paradise. Rexburg. those are synonyms."
i'll be using that quote for the rest of my life, haha. too good.
also, i'm really eager for Conference now.
Uhmm, the beginning of school is hard for me. always. because hullo, i'm starting a bunch of new classes and trying to figure out how to balance those particular classes with my new friends and home life and still have time to like, you know, eat and breathe and sleep an stuff.
I always get pretty stressed out and discouraged.
I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling - the straining inadequacy.
but no one talks about it because we don't want to sound whiny.
hi, this isn't for extra attention, but i'm just saying: STARTING SCHOOL IS ROUGH.
IT'S REALLY HARD ON ME.
It's fun meeting new people and it's exciting to feel new or recharged, but it's also a wrestle.
so yes, this semester i felt overwhelmed, as was expected.
i just kept thinking to myself, "it's okay, you've gotten through this every time before. you can do it."
because it's true! you stumble around for the first few weeks, DYING INSIDE because there are 12 million things going on and then all of a sudden, you're completely fine. you're having fun even. and it makes the strain of the beginning seem dim. and you wonder when the switch was flipped.
THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
hahahha
but it's the sunrise on the other side of the mountain, and i can see it coming. that's what i keep coming back to. It will be okay. it will get better. keep going. I believe those things, but it's still been tough. and in preparation for devotional today, I just pleaded that i'd be open to whatever message was given. that i'd get something out of it.
That it would answer my questions.
that it would encourage me.
It was perfect.
it did all of those things.
He surprised me, actually. He's a spit-fire, that Elder Holland. He's very firm.
but he can also be delicate, and he showed that side today. I was so thankful for that. i don't know if my discouraged heart could have endured a verbal rebuke or expansion of some complex doctrine.
He looked out at the audience with tangible compassion, and spent thirty too-short minutes talking about how to live in the pursuit of happiness. He was just so encouraging! When he explained his warm feelings for BYU-Idaho and its environment, he paused, and with a tender voice said, "Thank You. Thank You for being who you are." I was on the verge of tears because i felt so individually spoken to. And the way He explained things was as if he knew exactly how i'd been feeling. He'd been right there in my trying-real-hard-not-to-be-sad shoes and read my heart and then spoken as if directly to my fears and questions.
God answers prayers.
I was so comforted.
and at the same time, it was kind of like somebody picked me up and gave my shoulders a good hard shake. When Elder Holland said that true lasting happiness is almost always a by-product of following Jesus Christ, i knew he was right. He outlined examples from the scriptures of people who were doing what was right and were happy as a result of their diligence.
and in my mind, I was cheering at each line.
'YES! that's true!'
'I've felt that in my life, too!'
'I know that's right!'
and at the same time, it was just like, DUH, MELISSA. YOU KNOW THIS. WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED DOING IT.
i've been so confused as to why i'm not over the moon happy like i was in Provo.
I'd stubbornly come to the conclusion that it's because i don't live near Derek anymore, and that i'm not being a missionary and etc etc
and then Elder Holland reached into my brain and pulled out all the dust bunnies, and i heard it clearly, "Above all else; ultimate happiness, true peace, anything even remotely close to scriptural joy are found first, foremost and forever in living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. ... Do what you know you should be doing! ... Blessings will come. They might come right now, they might not come for many years down the road, maybe your blessings won't come until you're in Heaven, but they WILL come. ... Someday, somewhere, you will have every righteous desire of your heart as you live the commandments."
_______________
in early 2013, i had some serious inner ear problems, and for about a month i was deaf in my right ear. It was scary and sad and i didn't really talk about it because i didn't want pity.
then one night, i was singing -really loudly- in my kitchen. i belted out a high note and there was a sound in my right ear like i can't explain.
something between thunder and a huge wave.
full volume.
in a space of ear deeper than i knew was there.
I remember my vision blurring and me crumpling to the floor with a groan, and clutching the side of my head because i genuinely thought that my jaw had snapped or something. what could have made that kind of noise?! but as i clutched my face, i HEARD my fingers against my skin, and all else was unimportant. i HEARD my hair rustle. I heard myself scoff in surround sound.
I heard.
I heard!
something happened, something popped or moved or disappeared or I don't know what, but I heard.
for the first time in weeks, i recognized sound in that ear. I slumped even closer to the tile and just plain cried for a minute because i was so relieved.
__________________
Devotional today felt like that.
something popped or moved or disappeared or i don't know what, but i heard.
"Melissa, you're not as happy as you were at Sports Camps because you're not being your best." " you can still be better." "Melissa, keep reading your scriptures. start praying every day again, and be sincere about it." "It's like riding a bike." "You can do it! You can be that happy again!"
"Do what you know you should be doing!"
it seems so simple, but sometimes it's just so hard to remember.
God calls living Apostles to speak to His Children, no matter who those are.
maybe they're children in a tiny village in Africa, maybe they're old men in fishing boats off the coast of Japan. Maybe they're students at BYU-Idaho. God wants all of them to hear His love for them.
today i heard.
today i heard His love say, "you are so much better than you give yourself credit for."
"You can do this! i believe in you!"
"Thank You for being who you are"
Dear Girl Who Can Wear a Ponytail without Looking Like a
Hobo,
WHAT SORT OF BLACK MAGIC DO YOU POSESS?!
Every time I attempt to wear a Ponytail to an actual event,
outside of my house, I picture Barbie. A perfectly sculpted ‘do’ to complete my
‘business casual’ look. Instead, I end up feeling like Billy Ray Cyrus circa
1993.
You, on the other hand, look classy. Refined, even. Is it the giant earrings
that accompany the pony? The pounds of makeup to compensate for the lack of
hair creativity? Or the straight-out-of-a-J-Crew-Catalog outfit you’re wearing?
Your ears aren’t poking out from underneath the slicked back parts. There are a
few strands that look purposefully left out, and you don’t appear to be
bothered by them swinging across your cheek like a spider web. HI HOW ARE YOU
NOT BOTHERED BY THAT. Also, your Pony is really low. Uhmm, did you know that it’s
touching your neck? Aren’t you hot? Doesn’t it stick to you? You look cool,
calm, and collected. I look like Hayden Christiansen in Star Wars Episode II. How
long did it take you to get that effortless, “I woke up like this – flawless”
look? Like, how early do you have to wake up to do this? I need my sleep.
I CAN’T COMPETE WITH YOU, ALRIGHT? UGH.
Enviously,
The girl with the 3rd grade-esque Ponytail on the
absolute top of her head because she can’t do it any other way.
HI I STARTED SCHOOL AGAIN AND I'M TAKING 20 CREDITS AND DYING, SO I HAVEN'T REALLY POSTED BUT I'M ALIVE AND LOVING LIFE SO YEAH
And i live in apartment 9!!! holla! my favorite number! it's gotta be a good sign :)
ps shout out to my sister Christine who gave me one million aDORable hand me downs the day before school so that i basically have a new wardrobe. YAAAS.
i haven't really done anything social, ha.
there are no boys to talk about.
I've just been counting my blessings every day.
and i love my roommates. I knew four of them from last fall, and LOVE them all. and my actual roommate, Stephanie, i know from Fresno! she served as a missionary in my congregation for almost 6 months! and i love her and i'm super relieved that she isn't a neat freak.
anyway, i'll try to take more pictures. and stuff, mahm.
just some occurrences that all had to do with the same body part lately:
Monday. Mid-morning, i'm walking to my World Religions class. it's in the Hinckley Building, and i was coming from the Romney, which is a long walk at BYU-Idaho. and just my luck, i got stuck walking behind the same couple the entire walk up the hill.
yes.
i tried really really hard not to listen to their conversation, because you know, people think that's rude an' stuff. whatever, i listened. and they were super weird. and that's coming from me.
they chatted about their pet turtle and their aunt in St.George who is really going to miss the heat of summer and about the husband's appointment with the chiropractor the next afternoon.
cute, cute, right?
well then, FINALLY, we'd reached the Hinckley building and the couple started doing that 'flirty' "you say goodbye." "No, YOU say goodbye" thing.
i was catching up to them and about to pass them and walk up the steps. I breathed a sigh of relief but it was much, much much, too early.
as i was thinking that i'd finally be rid of this couple, i heard the husband say, "okay, now tongue kiss me goodbye"
OH. MAH. Wait, people say that outloud in public? people call it 'tongue kissing'? uhmm?
AND THEN MY EYES BEHELD
they were literally tongue kissing.
T.M.I. AHEAD:
(and when i say that, i mean that they had stuck their tongues out as far as possible, and then were touching just the tips of their tongues to each other, and wiggling them slightly. )
Then tuesday morning i woke up, and i had cracks all down the middle of my tongue, right down the middle? right. down. the middle. and they HURT. i looked up a ton of stuff about tongue fissures online and it all said that fissures happened over long periods of time, but mine had happened overnight!
The internet claimed that fissures usually developed in childhood and were benign, not cuasing any trouble. but i'm 20. and mine HURT.
so i was kind of freaking out.
This morning during my 7:45 AM CLASS (yes, pity me, please.) the girl next to me sneezed, into her hand. and i could tell by the way her eyes grew about 7 inches in circumference that she needed a tissue. but right as i was about to offer her one,
SHE LICKED. HER HAND.
just licked it.
K NO THANKS, I'M OUT.
you guys, i couldn't make this up if i wanted to.
WHO DOES THAT
WHAT TWENTY SOMETHING COLLEGE STUDENT DOES THAT,
and in front of people!
EW.
anyway, so i went to the doctor this afternoon and it turns out that i have a bug that's going around the Rexburg area, and my tongue, lymph nodes, ear canals, and tonsils being swollen (which apparently they all were, and i only noticed the tongue because it was so dramatic) were all side effects of this illness. So my tongue actually wasn't cracked, it was just so swollen that my natural creases were severly exaggerated because my tongue is so stretched out. and because the crevices were exposed, they were really sensitive to extreme tastes. He also said it's more common in people with Anemia, so watch out Allison! the "swollen everything" virus is comin' to get 'cha!
Just kidding.
but he told me to go get some Vitamin C and Iron supplements (i got them in the form of inexpensive Mickey Mouse Gummies) and drink a ton of water, and i'd be fine in a couple of days.
oh, and to make sure i gently crush my tongue so that no food gets trapped in the crevices while they're bared.
gross.
okay i promise no to post about the human body ever again k thanks bye.
Step 1: Get a cold from your sister’s “Not-Boyfriend”. Any
common cold will do.
Step 2: Stay home from work for two days, sleep nearly the
whole time, and drink tons of water in the hopes of like, flushing your system
or something. Cause that’s a thing.
Step 3: actually, don’t sleep more than usual on those days,
because you have to pack your entire life into a couple of suitcases. You’re
going back to college tomorrow. Oops, forgot.
Step 4: only take medicine when you’re on a 16-hour car ride
and you get vertigo from all the FLUID SWASHING AROUND IN YOUR HEAD. GROSS.
Step 5: use the fact that you’re probably never going to
live with her again to talk your mom into spending the extra 25 cents for 40
less tissues. Because they’re ‘Puffs Plus with Vicks’, and they’ll supposedly
be better for you while you’re blowing your nose one million times. (Holla,
though, they really are the best.)
Step 6: once you’re actually moved into to your new
apartment, never go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Just don’t do it. Your new
roommates are much more fun than health.
Step 7: justify not taking actual medicine with, “But I’m
eating tons of fruit and stuff, so I’ll be fine”
Step 8: pretend like your hacking cough isn't driving the
fellas away
Step 9: Sound like a dying walrus your entire first day of
school because there are TEN THOUSAND STAIRS THAT YOU HAVE TO CLIMB, BUT YOU
CAN’T BREATHE THROUGH YOUR STUFFED NOSE.
Step 10: when you start feeling air through your nostrils
again, your voice sounds normal, and your sense of taste returns, immediately
cease all intake of medication. Let every one of your 20 credits stress you
out. Leave the window open at night and don’t wear socks. Pack away your medicine
in an inconvenient place that you know you’ll be too lazy to dig to once the ‘New
House Nesting Syndrome’ fades.
Follow these steps precisely, and I guarantee that if your
sickness doesn't immediately flare up again, following this program for a
shortly continued amount of time will bring it back faster than you can say
“Gesundheit”!
Side effects may include:
Grogginess, general angst, stress weeping, gnashing of
teeth, the desire to murder complete strangers for cutting in front of you on
the way to class, mood swings, 2 AM hyper activity, and in some cases, giant
face volcanoes.
you know, I've heard that when people come home from a mission, it's easy to get depressed. you're out in the world for two whole years spending 99% of your day serving other people. teaching people and other good stuff. and when you come home, even if you have a job and your family loves you and you're not doing anything necessarily bad, it's just easy to be sad, because everything seems unimportant compared to the work you were doing on your mission.
I've never been on a Mission, so i don't claim to know what that's like.
but i always wondered what would be so hard.
I'm not saying that Sports Camps is anywhere near as important or life changing as a mission is. But it was a huge emotional investment for me. and while the changes that happen in transition from a full-time missionary to average joe are one million times harder than my transition from Provo to home, i think maybe i understand a teaspoon of what those missionaries mean now.
I wasn't serving other people 99% of my day, but prolly 40%.
I wasn't teaching about God and Jesus Christ all day everyday everywhere i went to everyone i saw through lessons and formal study, but because i was working for an institution associated with the church bearing His name, i tried my best to teach people about Him whenever i could. every night i tried to have His spirit as i gave a devotional to my girls before bed, and throughout the day i tried to have His charity.
obviously, full time missionaries have it a lot harder.
but i really did try to live as obedient to the commandments of God as possible at Sports Camps. not that i don't always try, but it seems like my resolve was greater.
part of that came from my older Brother being my boss.
I didn't want anyone to think i only got the job just because i was Derek's sister.
I wanted to be my very best all the time so that my name, our name, would stay as clean as he had kept it.
I didn't want anyone to think badly of him for choosing me as one of his employees.
i literally cannot name all of the blessings and epiphanies that came during those eight weeks at Sports Camps, or the blessings that followed that were literally direct results of my efforts at Sports Camps.
it all just felt so good.
to be teaching young girls, to be helping them have a fun, safe, uplifting week whether they shared my beliefs or not.
and although that's not half what a missionary does, i felt like i was kind of on my own mini mission.
i devoted most of my time to helping other people and fulfilling my roles. and it felt great.
I knew coming home would be hard. i wouldn't have Derek, i would have significantly fewer friends close at hand. i wasn't going to be doing the same kinds of things.
but i didn't know it would be THIS hard.
i just feel stagnant.
I've been blessed to work the whole time i've been home. I'm still reading my scriptures and praying and writing in my journal like i was at Camp. I've spent a million hours with my family. etc etc. i feel like i'm doing the right things, and i haven't done any thing really wrong per se.
i just feel unnecessary. or something like that.
I've been busy everyday, just like i was in Provo, but the things i fill my day with here don't fill my heart like they did at camp.
I still try to have Charity, but it doesn't feel the same. and i'm willing to tell people about my beliefs, but i don't want to be pushy. it's not as easy here.
I guess i just felt like Sports Camps lifted me up all day every day because of where we were and what we were trying to do.
and things just don't feel as fulfilling here, even though i'm staying 'productive'.
nothing compares, so i feel useless.
but i know that's not true! and it's so frustrating!!
and today, the person i was subbing for at the library came back unexpectedly. I came into work like normal, and there she was at the computer.
and immediately everyone gaped at me like i had a second head or something.
"oh, nobody called you?"
"no... oh... are you back?"
"Yeah, i'm really sorry, they told me they'd contact you beforehand."
awkward.
so i choked down some tears, collected my things, and left. but Jonathan had given me a ride and had already left for HIS work. i called him and then remembered that he'd forgotten his phone at home.
called my mommy.
but she didn't have a car either, and she was already at work.
so i had to walk home.
i got about one foot off campus and started crying, totally unashamed.
I could have worked a whole additional week! i really needed that money for school, and this job had amazing pay. I immediately started running through all the little things that i've done since i've been home that probably weren't the best. being frustrated with my mom and snapping at her, or jenae, or jonathan, or Derek, being generally unhelpful around the house and blaming it on my 'long work hours' even though my mom has the same hours as me and then comes home and still works like a beaver. etc etc
And i was kicking myself for not being as diligent as i had been at Camp.
obviously me losing this job was god punishing me for being snippy with my siblings
and then i heard a song.
it was so faint that i dismissed it as someone's radio, but i heard it,
"He is known by many names ... and he's not forgotten yours"
i stopped in mid-step and swung my head from side to side before i realized that the music i was hearing was coming from my own pocket. i felt silly, realizing it was my phone. but why was it playing that song? i didn't tell it to. then i felt a buzz. my phone was ringing.
why was it playing THAT song?! that's not my ringtone.
my ringtone has been ThePianoGuys' version of "The Cello Song" since literally 2012.
but i got my phone out anyway, and answered it.
it was my aunt Chris, explaining that my Uncle was coming to pick me up. he was in the area and it was no problem, she assured me. i thanked her a million times.
I looked at the settings in my phone, and yeah, my ringtone was still set as the cello song.
all the rest of today, my phone has been ringing with the normal song. so weird.
I don't know how that happened, but i'm grateful.
because right then i needed to be assured that i wasn't losing my job over a few tart comments, and that i was over reacting. And that i was still going along Heavenly Father's path for me.
the whole time while i waited for my uncle, and in the hours that followed before my mom got home work, that line kept running through my head,
"Hope comes through the One with many names, and he's not forgotten yours"
(this is the song, and it's a goodie.)
and each time, it calmed me a little bit more.
I had a bit of a breakdown when i got home.
I had totally counted my eggs before the hatched, and i was freaking out crunching numbers wondering how in the heck i'm going to work things out.
plus, i was really frustrated that i've been feeling so bummy lately.
and i cried and prayed and played the piano until my anxiety was forgotten.
and in the minutes after , i just plain sat and stared into space. thinking.
as the dust of the morning settled, i was left with one clear set of thoughts:
- I am necessary and useful even when it doesn't seem like it to me.
- I'm still representing my brother, it's just a different Brother. I want to prove that I deserve the trust He's been giving me. I've taken His name, and I still want to be my very best all the time so that it can stay as clean as He's kept it. I didn't want anyone to think badly of Him for choosing me as one of His.
- i can still devote my time to serving others, even though it's not my literal job.
- i may not be teaching people formal lessons, but i can teach people just by living the way i know i ought to be.
- i can still have Charity and keep the Lord's Spirit with me
- i can still have a full heart. i'm the one blocking it. I have to let things in.
- i can choose to create
- i will be sustained and supported so long as i am being obedient. i need to have a little more faith.
- God hasn't forgotten me. He never will.
and when i look at things like that, i've really got things pretty easy.
how can i complain when i am actually so blessed?
PEACE OUT, SUMMER BLUES, I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, ALRIGHT?
GET OUTTA HERE.
there.
_______________________
and shout out to several people who randomly texted me today about stuff. you didn't know it, but you were answering my prayer to feel known.
