The Sure-Fire way to stay sick for seemingly ever in 10 easy steps!

Step 1: Get a cold from your sister’s “Not-Boyfriend”. Any common cold will do.

Step 2: Stay home from work for two days, sleep nearly the whole time, and drink tons of water in the hopes of like, flushing your system or something. Cause that’s a thing.

Step 3: actually, don’t sleep more than usual on those days, because you have to pack your entire life into a couple of suitcases. You’re going back to college tomorrow. Oops, forgot.

Step 4: only take medicine when you’re on a 16-hour car ride and you get vertigo from all the FLUID SWASHING AROUND IN YOUR HEAD. GROSS.

Step 5: use the fact that you’re probably never going to live with her again to talk your mom into spending the extra 25 cents for 40 less tissues. Because they’re ‘Puffs Plus with Vicks’, and they’ll supposedly be better for you while you’re blowing your nose one million times. (Holla, though, they really are the best.)

Step 6: once you’re actually moved into to your new apartment, never go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Just don’t do it. Your new roommates are much more fun than health.

Step 7: justify not taking actual medicine with, “But I’m eating tons of fruit and stuff, so I’ll be fine”

Step 8: pretend like your hacking cough isn't driving the fellas away

Step 9: Sound like a dying walrus your entire first day of school because there are TEN THOUSAND STAIRS THAT YOU HAVE TO CLIMB, BUT YOU CAN’T BREATHE THROUGH YOUR STUFFED NOSE.

Step 10: when you start feeling air through your nostrils again, your voice sounds normal, and your sense of taste returns, immediately cease all intake of medication. Let every one of your 20 credits stress you out. Leave the window open at night and don’t wear socks. Pack away your medicine in an inconvenient place that you know you’ll be too lazy to dig to once the ‘New House Nesting Syndrome’ fades.

Follow these steps precisely, and I guarantee that if your sickness doesn't immediately flare up again, following this program for a shortly continued amount of time will bring it back faster than you can say “Gesundheit”!

Side effects may include:

Grogginess, general angst, stress weeping, gnashing of teeth, the desire to murder complete strangers for cutting in front of you on the way to class, mood swings, 2 AM hyper activity, and in some cases, giant face volcanoes.