Dear ________,

Dear Girl Who Can Wear a Ponytail without Looking Like a Hobo,

WHAT SORT OF BLACK MAGIC DO YOU POSESS?!

Every time I attempt to wear a Ponytail to an actual event, outside of my house, I picture Barbie. A perfectly sculpted ‘do’ to complete my ‘business casual’ look. Instead, I end up feeling like Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1993.

You, on the other hand, look classy. Refined, even. Is it the giant earrings that accompany the pony? The pounds of makeup to compensate for the lack of hair creativity? Or the straight-out-of-a-J-Crew-Catalog outfit you’re wearing? Your ears aren’t poking out from underneath the slicked back parts. There are a few strands that look purposefully left out, and you don’t appear to be bothered by them swinging across your cheek like a spider web. HI HOW ARE YOU NOT BOTHERED BY THAT. Also, your Pony is really low. Uhmm, did you know that it’s touching your neck? Aren’t you hot? Doesn’t it stick to you? You look cool, calm, and collected. I look like Hayden Christiansen in Star Wars Episode II. How long did it take you to get that effortless, “I woke up like this – flawless” look? Like, how early do you have to wake up to do this? I need my sleep.

I CAN’T COMPETE WITH YOU, ALRIGHT? UGH.

Enviously,

The girl with the 3^rd grade-esque Ponytail on the absolute top of her head because she can’t do it any other way.