Post Sports Camps Blues

you know, I've heard that when people come home from a mission, it's easy to get depressed. you're out in the world for two whole years spending 99% of your day serving other people. teaching people and other good stuff. and when you come home, even if you have a job and your family loves you and you're not doing anything necessarily bad, it's just easy to be sad, because everything seems unimportant compared to the work you were doing on your mission.

I've never been on a Mission, so i don't claim to know what that's like. 

but i always wondered what would be so hard. 

I'm not saying that Sports Camps is anywhere near as important or life changing as a mission is. But it was a huge emotional investment for me. and while the changes that happen in transition from a full-time missionary to average joe are one million times harder than my transition from Provo to home, i think maybe i understand a teaspoon of what those missionaries mean now. 

I wasn't serving other people 99% of my day, but prolly 40%. 

I wasn't teaching about God and Jesus Christ all day everyday everywhere i went to everyone i saw through lessons and formal study, but because i was working for an institution associated with the church bearing His name, i tried my best to teach people about Him whenever i could. every night i tried to have His spirit as i gave a devotional to my girls before bed, and throughout the day i tried to have His charity.

obviously, full time missionaries have it a lot harder. 

but i really did try to live as obedient to the commandments of God as possible at Sports Camps. not that i don't always try, but it seems like my resolve was greater. 

part of that came from my older Brother being my boss. 

I didn't want anyone to think i only got the job just because i was Derek's sister. 

I wanted to be my very best all the time so that my name, our name, would stay as clean as he had kept it.

I didn't want anyone to think badly of him for choosing me as one of his employees.

i literally cannot name all of the blessings and epiphanies that came during those eight weeks at Sports Camps, or the blessings that followed that were literally direct results of my efforts at Sports Camps.

it all just felt so good.

to be teaching young girls, to be helping them have a fun, safe, uplifting week whether they shared my beliefs or not. 

and although that's not half what a missionary does, i felt like i was kind of on my own mini mission.

i devoted most of my time to helping other people and fulfilling my roles. and it felt great.

I knew coming home would be hard. i wouldn't have Derek, i would have significantly fewer friends close at hand. i wasn't going to be doing the same kinds of things. 

but i didn't know it would be THIS hard. 

i just feel stagnant. 

I've been blessed to work the whole time i've been home. I'm still reading my scriptures and praying and writing in my journal like i was at Camp. I've spent a million hours with my family. etc etc. i feel like i'm doing the right things, and i haven't done any thing really wrong per se.

i just feel unnecessary. or something like that. 

I've been busy everyday, just like i was in Provo, but the things i fill my day with here don't fill my heart like they did at camp. 

I still try to have Charity, but it doesn't feel the same. and i'm willing to tell people about my beliefs, but i don't want to be pushy. it's not as easy here. 

I guess i just felt like Sports Camps lifted me up all day every day because of where we were and what we were trying to do. 

and things just don't feel as fulfilling here, even though i'm staying 'productive'.

nothing compares, so i feel useless.

but i know that's not true! and it's so frustrating!!

and today, the person i was subbing for at the library came back unexpectedly. I came into work like normal, and there she was at the computer. 

and immediately everyone gaped at me like i had a second head or something. 

"oh, nobody called you?"

"no... oh... are you back?"

"Yeah, i'm really sorry, they told me they'd contact you beforehand."

awkward. 

so i choked down some tears, collected my things, and left. but Jonathan had given me a ride and had already left for HIS work. i called him and then remembered that he'd forgotten his phone at home. 

called my mommy. 

but she didn't have a car either, and she was already at work. 

so i had to walk home. 

i got about one foot off campus and started crying, totally unashamed. 

I could have worked a whole additional week! i really needed that money for school, and this job had amazing pay. I immediately started running through all the little things that i've done since i've been home that probably weren't the best. being frustrated with my mom and snapping at her, or jenae, or jonathan, or Derek, being generally unhelpful around the house and blaming it on my 'long work hours' even though my mom has the same hours as me and then comes home and still works like a beaver. etc etc

And i was kicking myself for not being as diligent as i had been at Camp.

obviously me losing this job was god punishing me for being snippy with my siblings

and then i heard a song. 

 it was so faint that i dismissed it as someone's radio, but i heard it, 

"He is known by many names ... and he's not forgotten yours"

i stopped in mid-step and swung my head from side to side before i realized that the music i was hearing was coming from my own pocket. i felt silly, realizing it was my phone. but why was it playing that song? i didn't tell it to. then i felt a buzz. my phone was ringing. 

why was it playing THAT song?! that's not my ringtone. 

my ringtone has been ThePianoGuys' version of "The Cello Song" since literally 2012. 

but i got my phone out anyway, and answered it. 

it was my aunt Chris, explaining that my Uncle was coming to pick me up. he was in the area and it was no problem, she assured me. i thanked her a million times.

I looked at the settings in my phone, and yeah, my ringtone was still set as the cello song.

all the rest of today, my phone has been ringing with the normal song. so weird. 

I don't know how that happened, but i'm grateful. 

because right then i needed to be assured that i wasn't losing my job over a few tart comments, and that i was over reacting. And that i was still going along Heavenly Father's path for me.

the whole time while i waited for my uncle, and in the hours that followed before my mom got home work, that line kept running through my head, 

"Hope comes through the One with many names, and he's not forgotten yours"

(this is the song, and it's a goodie.)

and each time, it calmed me a little bit more. 

I had a bit of a breakdown when i got home. 

I had totally counted my eggs before the hatched, and i was freaking out crunching numbers wondering how in the heck i'm going to work things out.

plus, i was really frustrated that i've been feeling so bummy lately.

and i cried and prayed and played the piano until my anxiety was forgotten. 

and in the minutes after , i just plain sat and stared into space. thinking. 

as the dust of the morning settled, i was left with one clear set of thoughts:

- I am necessary and useful even when it doesn't seem like it to me.

- I'm still representing my brother, it's just a different Brother. I want to prove that I deserve the trust He's been giving me. I've taken His name, and I still want to be my very best all the time so that it can stay as clean as He's kept it. I didn't want anyone to think badly of Him for choosing me as one of His.

- i can still devote my time to serving others, even though it's not my literal job.

- i may not be teaching people formal lessons, but i can teach people just by living the way i know i ought to be.

- i can still have Charity and keep the Lord's Spirit with me

- i can still have a full heart. i'm the one blocking it. I have to let things in.

- i can choose to create

- i will be sustained and supported so long as i am being obedient. i need to have a little more faith.

- God hasn't forgotten me. He never will.

and when i look at things like that, i've really got things pretty easy.

how can i complain when i am actually so blessed?

PEACE OUT, SUMMER BLUES, I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, ALRIGHT? 

GET OUTTA HERE. 

there. 

_______________________

and shout out to several people who randomly texted me today about stuff. you didn't know it, but you were answering my prayer to feel known.