A Very Late 'Thank You'

At the end of march, as my finals came around, i was outrageously stressed, and i asked here on my blog if you would all pray for me.
i realized i never thanked you.

I felt those prayers, believe me.
i received the strength and peace that i needed to get me through the last few days of Rexburg, and i felt an enormous outpouring of love.

Thank you, reader.

Melissa Michiale

I have angels for friends

I feel like singing. 

I want to climb onto the top of my apartment complex roof and shout as loud as i possibly can because i feel so humbled and grateful and blessed today.

Yesterday was really emotionally hard. Mondays always are because i have the most homework at the beginning of the week. I came home from school and flopped onto my bed, face into my pillow (after i removed my glasses. don't worry, mom.) totally discouraged. and i started to pray just because i literally did not know what else to do, i just had so much to get done and i never feel like i can do it all on my own. 

truthfully i CAN'T do it on my own. 

_________________

I do not talk about it, like ever, but i have dealt with addiction in my life. and most days, especially in Rexburg, i don't even think about it. everything is fine, fine, fine. But then there are days that come out of nowhere, they sneak up behind me and shove me to the ground and it takes literally every ounce of my will to get back up and

 just.                                                                   

get. 

                                                                 

                                                                        away. 

Most days it's not even a problem. 

but some days i feel like i am clawing, shoving, elbowing with my entire heart and soul to get to safety, and i literally feel like i'm fighting for my freedom with everything I've got.

it's exhausting. 

not just mentally and spiritually, i genuinely feel like the strength has been sucked out of my body. I have no motivation or drive. And Everything, even little things like starting laundry or walking out to the living room to get a textbook feels like too much. and i usually get really angry for no apparent reason just because i'm so emotionally on edge. and then i cry because i feel guilty for being mean. and i feel guilty for even considering darkness to relieve some of the stress.

yesterday was one of those days. 

I hate those days. 

____________________

so i laid there on my bed, resisting the emotional wave that was about to crash over me.

after a good cry and a really heart-felt prayer, i tried to do my usual routine that takes me away from the shadows. 

Scriptures. 

journal.

praying my guts out.

still discouraged. about everything. 

and i had million things to do but i just needed to talk to someone.

none of my roommates were home, and i think i was too embarrassed to have confided in them anyway. i almost called Derek, but i didn't want him to be in class. I tried to call my mom and sisters, but my phone doesn't make calls anymore. 

I messaged Mal and Jay

and they came over immediately and i laid in the back seat of Jay's car and cried and yelled and vented and let them baby me for a few minutes. 

angels, both of them. 

and slowly my fear turned to hope.

my distress into peace.

and my tears to laughter. 

and then when i went back in side there was a facebook message waiting from my cousin. and i cried. and emails waiting from my missionary friends. and i cried some more. 

and then i got to babysit Evelyn, and she makes me SO HAPPY. 

Christine made me a GIANT bag of chex mix/puppychow/heaven

all the scriptures i read that night were perfect for my situation

and our Home Evening lesson was just what i needed to hear - focus on serving other people

And today has just been a continuous string of answers to that tearful prayer that i sobbed on my bed yesterday afternoon. 

i was able to finish all of my assignments on time, 

i got back some surprisingly great test scores, 

The school paper comes out on Tuesdays which means: new soduku puzzle

MY HARRY POTTER POP UP BOOK FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL and it was so beautiful that i was actually speechless. 

the supplies i needed for my current project were way less expensive than i thought

i forgot that i had one more check from my summer work after sports camps, and i saw it on my bank statement today and cried with relief. I CAN GO SHOPPING AGAIN. haha. i neeeeeed some more oranges and broccoli in my life

i have incredible friends

i live in a beautiful town

i am breathing

i have control over my life. I am an agent over my own will.

"10 months older, i won't give in. Now that i'm clean i'm never gonna risk it ... 

Rain came pouring down. when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"

Today i feel so much better. 

althought, i usually feel silly after i have a meltdown day. because after the fact, i always wonder if i was over reacting. But i don't think i do. 

fighting for something is hard, no matter the thing. 

fighting for my sanity, my soul, my grades, my relationships, and my future, all at once, is the biggest struggle i've ever known. 

I'll take it one day at a time like i have been. 

good days and bad days. 

i'll always come out on top if i just trust myself and keep on climbing. 

"I. wanna. get. beeeeeetter"

"Thank You for being who you are"

Christmas came early today for BYU-Idaho students!

Jeffrey R. Holland came to speak at our weekly Devotional service.
and he said, "Just another day in Paradise. Rexburg. those are synonyms."
i'll be using that quote for the rest of my life, haha. too good.

also, i'm really eager for Conference now.


Uhmm, the beginning of school is hard for me. always. because hullo, i'm starting a bunch of new classes and trying to figure out how to balance those particular classes with my new friends and home life and still have time to like, you know, eat and breathe and sleep an stuff.
I always get pretty stressed out and discouraged.
I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling - the straining inadequacy.

but no one talks about it because we don't want to sound whiny.

hi, this isn't for extra attention, but i'm just saying: STARTING SCHOOL IS ROUGH.
IT'S REALLY HARD ON ME.
It's fun meeting new people and it's exciting to feel new or recharged, but it's also a wrestle.

so yes, this semester i felt overwhelmed, as was expected.
i just kept thinking to myself, "it's okay, you've gotten through this every time before. you can do it."

because it's true! you stumble around for the first few weeks, DYING INSIDE because there are 12 million things going on and then all of a sudden, you're completely fine. you're having fun even. and it makes the strain of the beginning seem dim. and you wonder when the switch was flipped.


THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
hahahha

but it's the sunrise on the other side of the mountain, and i can see it coming. that's what i keep coming back to. It will be okay. it will get better. keep going. I believe those things, but it's still been tough. and in preparation for devotional today, I just pleaded that i'd be open to whatever message was given. that i'd get something out of it.
That it would answer my questions.
that it would encourage me.


It was perfect.


it did all of those things.


He surprised me, actually. He's a spit-fire, that Elder Holland. He's very firm.
but he can also be delicate, and he showed that side today. I was so thankful for that. i don't know if my discouraged heart could have endured a verbal rebuke or expansion of some complex doctrine.

He looked out at the audience with tangible compassion, and spent thirty too-short minutes talking about how to live in the pursuit of happiness. He was just so encouraging! When he explained his warm feelings for BYU-Idaho and its environment, he paused, and with a tender voice said, "Thank You. Thank You for being who you are." I was on the verge of tears because i felt so individually spoken to. And the way He explained things was as if he knew exactly how i'd been feeling. He'd been right there in my trying-real-hard-not-to-be-sad shoes and read my heart and then spoken as if directly to my fears and questions.


God answers prayers.


I was so comforted.

and at the same time, it was kind of like somebody picked me up and gave my shoulders a good hard shake. When Elder Holland said that true lasting happiness is almost always a by-product of following Jesus Christ, i knew he was right. He outlined examples from the scriptures of people who were doing what was right and were happy as a result of their diligence.
and in my mind, I was cheering at each line.
'YES! that's true!'
'I've felt that in my life, too!'
'I know that's right!'
and at the same time, it was just like, DUH, MELISSA. YOU KNOW THIS. WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED DOING IT.

i've been so confused as to why i'm not over the moon happy like i was in Provo.
I'd stubbornly come to the conclusion that it's because i don't live near Derek anymore, and that i'm not being a missionary and etc etc





and then Elder Holland reached into my brain and pulled out all the dust bunnies, and i heard it clearly, "Above all else; ultimate happiness, true peace, anything even remotely close to scriptural joy are found first, foremost and forever in living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. ... Do what you know you should be doing! ... Blessings will come. They might come right now, they might not come for many years down the road, maybe your blessings won't come until you're in Heaven, but they WILL come. ... Someday, somewhere, you will have every righteous desire of your heart as you live the commandments."


_______________


in early 2013, i had some serious inner ear problems, and for about a month i was deaf in my right ear. It was scary and sad and i didn't really talk about it because i didn't want pity.
then one night, i was singing -really loudly- in my kitchen. i belted out a high note and there was a sound in my right ear like i can't explain.

something between thunder and a huge wave.
full volume.
in a space of ear deeper than i knew was there.

I remember my vision blurring and me crumpling to the floor with a groan, and clutching the side of my head because i genuinely thought that my jaw had snapped or something. what could have made that kind of noise?! but as i clutched my face, i HEARD my fingers against my skin, and all else was unimportant. i HEARD my hair rustle. I heard myself scoff in surround sound.
I heard.
I heard!

something happened, something popped or moved or disappeared or I don't know what, but I heard.

for the first time in weeks, i recognized sound in that ear. I slumped even closer to the tile and just plain cried for a minute because i was so relieved.

__________________

Devotional today felt like that.

something popped or moved or disappeared or i don't know what, but i heard.

"Melissa, you're not as happy as you were at Sports Camps because you're not being your best."
" you can still be better."
"Melissa, keep reading your scriptures. start praying every day again, and be sincere about it."
"It's like riding a bike."
"You can do it! You can be that happy again!"


"Do what you know you should be doing!"


it seems so simple, but sometimes it's just so hard to remember.




God calls living Apostles to speak to His Children, no matter who those are.
maybe they're children in a tiny village in Africa, maybe they're old men in fishing boats off the coast of Japan. Maybe they're students at BYU-Idaho. God wants all of them to hear His love for them.


today i heard.


today i heard His love say, "you are so much better than you give yourself credit for."
"You can do this! i believe in you!"
"Thank You for being who you are"

my watch broke, but i bought veggie straws, so it's all good.

HI I STARTED SCHOOL AGAIN AND I'M TAKING 20 CREDITS AND DYING, SO I HAVEN'T REALLY POSTED BUT I'M ALIVE AND LOVING LIFE SO YEAH

And i live in apartment 9!!! holla! my favorite number! it's gotta be a good sign :)

ps shout out to my sister Christine who gave me one million aDORable hand me downs the day before school so that i basically have a new wardrobe. YAAAS. 

i haven't really done anything social, ha. 

there are no boys to talk about. 

I've just been counting my blessings every day.

and i love my roommates. I knew four of them from last fall, and LOVE them all. and my actual roommate, Stephanie, i know from Fresno! she served as a missionary in my congregation for almost 6 months! and i love her and i'm super relieved that she isn't a neat freak. 

anyway, i'll try to take more pictures. and stuff, mahm. 

I LOVE BYU-IDAHO.

life is so hard, but it is so good.