On Actual Halloween

I decided kind of last minute to join Mallorie and Jaylene on their trip to Utah for he weekend. 

Mallorie's boyfriend Mark, and Mark's roommate Eli, came with us actually last minute. 

the ride to Provo was a lot of T-swizzle and good conversation.

When we actually got there i dropped everyone off at their events (after a frenzy of decisions of activities) and then gave Derek about 5 minutes warning before crashing he and Raycelan's Pumpkin carving festivities. (sorrynotsorry)

I'M SO GLAD I WENT. 

Being in Provo again made the whole summer come sweeping at me.

and the entire night i was sending a constant stream of silent "thank you" prayers to Heaven for all the incredible people i got to meet because of Sports Camps. and all the wonderful things i got to be a part of.

Raycelan is a perfect host.

I had just seen Derek like 2 weeks prior at the family reunion, but i had already missed him so much! So i'm glad i got to see him again, even if it was only for an hour or so. 

Dylan and Mitch were in California, which i was bummed about, because i wanted to say hi.

but next door to Raycelan's apartment was a halloween party, and i saw my old roommate, so we were talking and gushing and catching up. i love that Leah girl.  

and then through the window i saw Karl. 

and he gave me the most confused surprised look. 

And then it clicked and i saw him say, "Melissa Hansen?!" and he stood up, so i ran inside and we hugged and talked for a bit. He was wearing a dinosaur mariachi costume (yes.) and his hair was longer than he kept it in the summer and i was unabashedly staring at him the whole time, haha. 

more silent thank you prayers.

one specifically for a boy who is just a stinking great person. 

I watched everyone carve adorable pumpkins. we all ate chocolate. Then Raycelan whipped out her karaoke machine!!! YES. Derek and i rocked out at highest volume to "The Saga Continues". then He and Raycelan followed up with "Human". too. good. 

Derek and i just got to catch up and gossip about Jonathan's awesome girlfriend, and just plain chat. which i love. and for some reason it just was so perfect that this catch up chat happened in the kitchen of a Cinnamon Tree apartment, just like our chats over the summer. 

closure, full circle, Chiasmus, all phrases that work here. 

once My friends were done at their party thing, i said goodbye to everyone and picked up Mal, Jay, Mark and Eli. (I was driving, because neither Mal or Jay wanted to drive in Provo, because they don't know the layout.) we dropped the boys off at the place they were staying the night. Mal and Jay asked if there was anywhere cool that i loved during the summer that i wanted to show them. but by this point it was around 11:30, so everything was closed. i took the to the creamery to get ice cream, duh. and then very spur of the moment we decided to climb to the Y!

SO WE DID!

after we went to maceys and bought flashlights, and i stocked up on mango powerade. 

we started actually 'hiking' around midnight. 

I have a feeling that it was one of those nights that the 3 of us will remember for a long time. 

We sat there for a while. not leaving, for fear of spoiling the magic of midnight friendship crucibles.

by the time we got back to the car it was 1:40 or so. am. no big deal.  

we ended up crashing on the floor of  Jaylene's cousin's apartment in provo. 

but we didn't really sleep because it was FREEZING.

this was us at 8 am when we couldn't take it any longer and decided to leave:

YES.

 sidenote: the sun coming up over the mountains behind campus and the crisp morning whisked me right back to good old July, and i imagined it:

8 am, walking back with a group of squirrely girls from breakfast at the cannon center. probably all in our pajamas. smiling. for no apparent reason. just because i was happy. twisting my lanyard as we walked back to the dorms so they could get ready for their morning session of practice.

i know it sounds melodramatic, but standing on the curb outside that apartment on November 1, staring at Y mountain i definitely got teary eyed. 

more silent thank you prayers.

we picked up Mark, drove him to his sister's house in Orem, and then parked at a church building a few blocks away and tried to sleep for another 3 hours. i took a couple 20 minute naps bit couldn't ever actually fall asleep. this was us at 12:30 when we finally decided to just leave.

SO. UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE. 

we finally made it to Mal's family at about 1:30. they let us all take showers and get cleaned up, and then we spent the weekend there talking and laughing and visiting. they showed me Monsters University! my first time seeing it :)
This was my 3rd or 4th time visiting them. they're a great family, and we love 'em. 

Sunday afternoon, we drove home, talking about Harry Potter and listening to my super cheesy church music. and the backseat napped. Eli sorted into Hufflepuff.  Jay and i had some good talks in the front half of the car. it was a good drive back. 

hooray for road trips. 

hooray for memories

hooray for the best calendar year of my life. 

I have angels for friends

I feel like singing. 

I want to climb onto the top of my apartment complex roof and shout as loud as i possibly can because i feel so humbled and grateful and blessed today.

Yesterday was really emotionally hard. Mondays always are because i have the most homework at the beginning of the week. I came home from school and flopped onto my bed, face into my pillow (after i removed my glasses. don't worry, mom.) totally discouraged. and i started to pray just because i literally did not know what else to do, i just had so much to get done and i never feel like i can do it all on my own. 

truthfully i CAN'T do it on my own. 

_________________

I do not talk about it, like ever, but i have dealt with addiction in my life. and most days, especially in Rexburg, i don't even think about it. everything is fine, fine, fine. But then there are days that come out of nowhere, they sneak up behind me and shove me to the ground and it takes literally every ounce of my will to get back up and

 just.                                                                   

get. 

                                                                 

                                                                        away. 

Most days it's not even a problem. 

but some days i feel like i am clawing, shoving, elbowing with my entire heart and soul to get to safety, and i literally feel like i'm fighting for my freedom with everything I've got.

it's exhausting. 

not just mentally and spiritually, i genuinely feel like the strength has been sucked out of my body. I have no motivation or drive. And Everything, even little things like starting laundry or walking out to the living room to get a textbook feels like too much. and i usually get really angry for no apparent reason just because i'm so emotionally on edge. and then i cry because i feel guilty for being mean. and i feel guilty for even considering darkness to relieve some of the stress.

yesterday was one of those days. 

I hate those days. 

____________________

so i laid there on my bed, resisting the emotional wave that was about to crash over me.

after a good cry and a really heart-felt prayer, i tried to do my usual routine that takes me away from the shadows. 

Scriptures. 

journal.

praying my guts out.

still discouraged. about everything. 

and i had million things to do but i just needed to talk to someone.

none of my roommates were home, and i think i was too embarrassed to have confided in them anyway. i almost called Derek, but i didn't want him to be in class. I tried to call my mom and sisters, but my phone doesn't make calls anymore. 

I messaged Mal and Jay

and they came over immediately and i laid in the back seat of Jay's car and cried and yelled and vented and let them baby me for a few minutes. 

angels, both of them. 

and slowly my fear turned to hope.

my distress into peace.

and my tears to laughter. 

and then when i went back in side there was a facebook message waiting from my cousin. and i cried. and emails waiting from my missionary friends. and i cried some more. 

and then i got to babysit Evelyn, and she makes me SO HAPPY. 

Christine made me a GIANT bag of chex mix/puppychow/heaven

all the scriptures i read that night were perfect for my situation

and our Home Evening lesson was just what i needed to hear - focus on serving other people

And today has just been a continuous string of answers to that tearful prayer that i sobbed on my bed yesterday afternoon. 

i was able to finish all of my assignments on time, 

i got back some surprisingly great test scores, 

The school paper comes out on Tuesdays which means: new soduku puzzle

MY HARRY POTTER POP UP BOOK FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL and it was so beautiful that i was actually speechless. 

the supplies i needed for my current project were way less expensive than i thought

i forgot that i had one more check from my summer work after sports camps, and i saw it on my bank statement today and cried with relief. I CAN GO SHOPPING AGAIN. haha. i neeeeeed some more oranges and broccoli in my life

i have incredible friends

i live in a beautiful town

i am breathing

i have control over my life. I am an agent over my own will.

"10 months older, i won't give in. Now that i'm clean i'm never gonna risk it ... 

Rain came pouring down. when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"

Today i feel so much better. 

althought, i usually feel silly after i have a meltdown day. because after the fact, i always wonder if i was over reacting. But i don't think i do. 

fighting for something is hard, no matter the thing. 

fighting for my sanity, my soul, my grades, my relationships, and my future, all at once, is the biggest struggle i've ever known. 

I'll take it one day at a time like i have been. 

good days and bad days. 

i'll always come out on top if i just trust myself and keep on climbing. 

"I. wanna. get. beeeeeetter"

Today's Happies

Today I am happy.
and it's one of those days where you're just plain happy. not for any big reason, but a million little ones, you know?

I've had family visiting since Thursday, and i love talking to my sisters! (and Phillip, Hi Phillip.) and i LOVE hanging out with my nieces and nephews. they just make me happy. they're like a fresh set of batteries!
Lydia even said out loud that we're friends. so i'm pretty much set for life.

Sunday was so good that it's still spilling into the week!

Anticipation for General Conference is only building. and knowing that it's impossible to be let down only makes it better.

My Boyfriend is pretty good looking if i do say so myself. not that looks are the most important thing but they sure don't hurt.

the Musical I've been managing since January is FINALLY opening! tomorrow night! I am GIDDY about it. seriously.

I'm going to a wedding on Friday, those are fun.

I finished the fifth work and the Glory book (fiiinally. haha. and it was BEAUTIFUL. MATTHEW AND JENNIFER JO FOREVER.)

the stars were clearer tonight than they have been in weeks.

there are baked goods in my tummy. yum.

the sound technician gave me a very sincere compliment tonight that i will literally never forget. I've always been really intimidated by him, and it's just validating to hear him say i'm doing a good job.

Mallorie sent me a cool new song.

and those are some of the things that made me happy today.

Dusty Socks

Little known fact about Melissa Hansen: I love gospel music. loooove it. 

i know some people who are uncomfortable with with religious music, i am not. 

but i'm also not against people who are. 

anyway, this:

- i'm almost done with another journal and that's bittersweet.

- summer 2012 i was obsessed with the Brave soundtrack, but i lost the CD in my move to Idaho. sad. but just found the soundtrack on Spotify :D ""if ya hed the chance ter change yer feat, wood je???"

- had an asthma attack yesterday and it freaked me out. i haaate asthma. It's usually only exercise induced, and because i'm exercising, i know i'll have trouble breathing, so i'm prepared for it and i bring my inhaler yadda yadda. but this was literally out of nowhere, and i totally made it worse by freaking myself out. I haven't had a random asthma attack since like my junior year of high school, so i psyched myself out, which only made it worse. but hallelujah for a level headed mother and medicine. 

- I maybe have a crush on a boy in my ward and i don't know whether to embrace it or sweep it under a rug because i'm going back to school in April and he's staying here. (insert anger toward rack-system here)

- I love Jenae and i wish she was home more. i kind of feel like she's the one who went away to college and i'm the baby sister, because she's never home and when she is i totally suffocate her. haha. 

- I am happy, for no one particular reason, and that's good. 

- I'm gonna start an etsy business, and i'm not going to talk myself out of it like i do every other project where i would be subject to criticism. "criticism can be constructive, Melissa." - logical part of my brain

- just because i'm not good at math doesn't mean i'm not intelligent. I'll kick your butt on any history test, yo. 

- it's okay to stop reading a book series in the very middle because it's historical fiction, and you know, because you know the true events, that no one survives this specific attack, so you know that this sweet wonderful character is going to die. but months later, when you decide to suck it up and continue the series, that's good too.

- as cheesy as it sounds, reading the scriptures every day honestly just makes me happier. It keeps my perspectives in focus and my mind where it needs to be. 

- apparently, feeling conflicted between my post college life/friends and my pre-college life/friends is normal, and okay. and i don't have to feel bad about it. 

- if you use a dusty, dirty sock from under your bed as an emergency kleenex in the middle of the night, your allergies are going to flare up and it's going to be miserable, but a little worth it because your mom will make you chicken soup for dinner :)

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRANDON AND JAYLENEY. you're both wonderful.