I have angels for friends

I feel like singing. 

I want to climb onto the top of my apartment complex roof and shout as loud as i possibly can because i feel so humbled and grateful and blessed today.

Yesterday was really emotionally hard. Mondays always are because i have the most homework at the beginning of the week. I came home from school and flopped onto my bed, face into my pillow (after i removed my glasses. don't worry, mom.) totally discouraged. and i started to pray just because i literally did not know what else to do, i just had so much to get done and i never feel like i can do it all on my own. 

truthfully i CAN'T do it on my own. 

_________________

I do not talk about it, like ever, but i have dealt with addiction in my life. and most days, especially in Rexburg, i don't even think about it. everything is fine, fine, fine. But then there are days that come out of nowhere, they sneak up behind me and shove me to the ground and it takes literally every ounce of my will to get back up and

 just.                                                                   

get. 

                                                                 

                                                                        away. 

Most days it's not even a problem. 

but some days i feel like i am clawing, shoving, elbowing with my entire heart and soul to get to safety, and i literally feel like i'm fighting for my freedom with everything I've got.

it's exhausting. 

not just mentally and spiritually, i genuinely feel like the strength has been sucked out of my body. I have no motivation or drive. And Everything, even little things like starting laundry or walking out to the living room to get a textbook feels like too much. and i usually get really angry for no apparent reason just because i'm so emotionally on edge. and then i cry because i feel guilty for being mean. and i feel guilty for even considering darkness to relieve some of the stress.

yesterday was one of those days. 

I hate those days. 

____________________

so i laid there on my bed, resisting the emotional wave that was about to crash over me.

after a good cry and a really heart-felt prayer, i tried to do my usual routine that takes me away from the shadows. 

Scriptures. 

journal.

praying my guts out.

still discouraged. about everything. 

and i had million things to do but i just needed to talk to someone.

none of my roommates were home, and i think i was too embarrassed to have confided in them anyway. i almost called Derek, but i didn't want him to be in class. I tried to call my mom and sisters, but my phone doesn't make calls anymore. 

I messaged Mal and Jay

and they came over immediately and i laid in the back seat of Jay's car and cried and yelled and vented and let them baby me for a few minutes. 

angels, both of them. 

and slowly my fear turned to hope.

my distress into peace.

and my tears to laughter. 

and then when i went back in side there was a facebook message waiting from my cousin. and i cried. and emails waiting from my missionary friends. and i cried some more. 

and then i got to babysit Evelyn, and she makes me SO HAPPY. 

Christine made me a GIANT bag of chex mix/puppychow/heaven

all the scriptures i read that night were perfect for my situation

and our Home Evening lesson was just what i needed to hear - focus on serving other people

And today has just been a continuous string of answers to that tearful prayer that i sobbed on my bed yesterday afternoon. 

i was able to finish all of my assignments on time, 

i got back some surprisingly great test scores, 

The school paper comes out on Tuesdays which means: new soduku puzzle

MY HARRY POTTER POP UP BOOK FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL and it was so beautiful that i was actually speechless. 

the supplies i needed for my current project were way less expensive than i thought

i forgot that i had one more check from my summer work after sports camps, and i saw it on my bank statement today and cried with relief. I CAN GO SHOPPING AGAIN. haha. i neeeeeed some more oranges and broccoli in my life

i have incredible friends

i live in a beautiful town

i am breathing

i have control over my life. I am an agent over my own will.

"10 months older, i won't give in. Now that i'm clean i'm never gonna risk it ... 

Rain came pouring down. when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"

Today i feel so much better. 

althought, i usually feel silly after i have a meltdown day. because after the fact, i always wonder if i was over reacting. But i don't think i do. 

fighting for something is hard, no matter the thing. 

fighting for my sanity, my soul, my grades, my relationships, and my future, all at once, is the biggest struggle i've ever known. 

I'll take it one day at a time like i have been. 

good days and bad days. 

i'll always come out on top if i just trust myself and keep on climbing. 

"I. wanna. get. beeeeeetter"