Landon Guglielmana

This post might offend someone but I've been thinking about it a lot. And i'm not trying to be rude. i want to pay my respects for a cherished friend in my own way. just like many people from my hometown have been doing for five years. this way is just my own, and it's maybe an unpopular view. also, i don't know how Derek feels about me writing about Landon. Derek has never made a public comment or post or announcement or whatever you want to call it, about Landon's death, on the internet. Generally I've felt that if it was too personal for his best friend to post about, i definitely shouldn't. seeing as how i was no where near 'best friend'. But like i said, I've been thinking about this a lot. and it's been five years. and it's not like i never mention Landon. I've just never talked about him on the anniversary of the day he died. Hi Derek, I love you, hope you don't hate me writing this.
These are my kept-in-for-five-years scattered thoughts on the subject of Landon:





Is it morbid that i think about dying all the time?

I don't think it's morbid. it's perfectly normal to think about. and it's perfectly normal not to as well.

my mom always says that we're lucky. because now-a-days people don't have to deal with death like during world wars or epidemics.

but some people still die.
some people still die by accident. they didn't mean to. they didn't expect it.

and that's the kind i think about.

a lot.

it doesn't scare me. death. but it does make me sad, thinking about what i'd miss. or who.
i guess i just wonder about it.

Derek's best friend Landon died five years ago now.
And i promise i am not trying to sound conceited or better than anyone. He was Derek's best friend, not mine. i'm not claiming to have known him super well. I knew him. And I spent plenty of time around him, but i only knew him as well as any little sister really knows their older brother's best friend. it's not like we made matching bracelets or anything. but i did look up to him. and still do. but for different reasons than most people might assume.
Every year, on the day he died, a lot of people make a huge deal of it on facebook. and most of them i completely understand: his family members and close friends. because they are sincere. I'm not saying that other people aren't sincere. i believe that they loved him and miss him. but it makes me uncomfortable when people act like people who have died were perfect. or that they should be held to a higher standard and looked to for inspiration. I don't like that when a person dies, people seem to only remember great things about them. because even if that person did do great things, that's not the whole truth.

the truth is that people are imperfect.

Landon was wonderful. he did SO many good things. and because of it, he had a cheery disposition and a contagious smile. i know. i saw it. i felt it. he was magnetic.
But Landon also had a temper. I've seen him punch gym floors and kick sideline benches. and sometimes he was cocky. and mule stubborn. But as crazy as it sounds, i think those things are important to remember, too.

not in a judgmental way. not to discount the great things he did. but just to acknowledge that he was, concretely, human.
to me, it's the fact that he's flawed that makes me appreciate his service and goodness. Knowing that he wasn't perfect makes his efforts to be better even more impressive.



_________________________________________

when i die, please remember that i was lazy, and often selfish, and sometimes judgmental and arrogant. remember that i struggled. if i ever hear someone say i was perfect, i will be sick. do not raise me up and treat me as some untouchably good person.

i'm not.

remember that i'm an erring human.
but also remember that i'm trying to be better all the time. remember both halves of me. because those two halves together are the only real me.

_________________________________________



Landon is great because he was fallible, but he tried anyway. he was imperfect, but he did his best. He was an excellent big brother and an incredibly loyal friend. he was a brilliant student and a skilled leader, and a whole other giant list of remarkable characteristics.
and all of that, including the not-so-shiny- things, are what make him Landon. and that's the boy i treasure. the imperfect one. the one who as a 16 year old rolled his eyes judgingly at someone he barely knew, but as an 18 year old on crutches after a volleyball injury, stopped to help the same person pick up spilled books with a respectful smile.
The young boy who laughed at a vulgar joke, but grew up. and as an 18 year old who saw i was dating someone bad for me, pulled me aside to warn me about choosing a man who would respect me and my body for the temple it was.

I love Landon. i always have. and his death brought about a reality of my mortal state. It made me appreciate my life and my people more. For that i am grateful.
and honestly, if he had lived a normal life, gone off to college, become a teacher and coach like he'd planned, would he have had such a profound impact on me?

who knows?

He was an imperfect, yet incredible person while he lived, He was funny and kind, and had a very obvious but not in your face way of loving Jesus Christ that i still really respect. Landon influenced a lot of people around him while he lived. But when he died, The example he'd set in just 18 years seemed even more impressive, and it set off a chain-link reaction that is still going. is still helping people live meaningful lives. I feel far closer to him in death than i did in life.

I still remember my dad's best friend, Don Handly. i still think about him. i'm still grateful for the things he taught my father, and the impact he's had on my life.
I have no doubt that Landon will influence the lives of Derek's children.
and i'm going to tell my kids about Landon.

about the friend who was kind and happy and turned people to the Savior in much of what he did. the boy who has shaped my life in so many ways. who has shaped Uncle Derek's life in so many ways. who brought together an entire town in love and brotherhood. who united a school, rallied a community, and inspired a girl, a seemingly insignificant best friend's little sister, to keep a blog and fall in love with high school while she had it, To write a book and leave notes. To be sentimental and serious. just to love. and to make my life worth every minute in ways that uplift and bring light.

Some of those things i felt even when we were still at the same school. even when they graduated, and i just wanted to continue the Legacy and pride that i held so dear. Even when Landon and Derek were both away and all i thought about was my own high school drama.

But i'll never know whether i'd have learned some of those things if he hadn't died.
It was sad to lose such a young life, but i am thankful for the lessons i was able to learn, and am still learning from the experience, and from his influence.

You might think that i sound like a hypocrite now, vehemently praising his memory after i scolded others. I just feel uncomfortable when (a small number) people make him out to be flawless. That's obviously not what i'm trying to do. I stand by what I've said: i appreciate his successes more when i can recognize them in relation to his faults and his trials.

Landon, i love you. I pray for you often. and for your family, here. they are lovely souls, just like you. I thank God for the role you've all had in my life, however imperfect, and however small, it may be.