Apathetic way to be

something happened to me after Sports Camps.


I had had this incredibly uplifting summer, and then came home and felt....i don't know. stagnant selfish? unsettled?
i wasn't depressed. that's not it.
i wasn't necessarily unhappy. but i definitely wasn't happy, either.

i guess i felt let down, i fell off my Sports Camps high with a resounding bang. and there i was again at home, living with my parents. I love them. i love my family. i love being at home.
i was just very suddenly disenchanted with working for my old school district. politics.yuck. and long long story short i was just ready to go back to school and DO something with my life.

and i felt like all my emotions were draining out of me. nothing felt like enough, so i just stopped trying. everything was overwhelming, so i began to shut down.

and i hated that.

because I had just completely opened up all summer and been ME. REALLY me. for the first time in a very long time. and now here i was, neatly packing myself away in a box to be opened next summer.

and then one week at our Home Evening group, we set a bunch of goals for the semester. most were weekly goals but some were for the entire term, and one of them was to pick a Christlike attribute to work on until Christmas,

I'd felt my emotions becoming bland. and i'd felt my heart pushing against it.
It showed in everything i did. my short temper, my shallow patience. the snobby attitude i had toward other in my head.
and i couldn't stand that.
i'd worked so hard to be good over the summer. i was wasting all my progress.

so i chose to work on Charity.

to love more. to love better. to love everyone. including myself.







and it is really hard.







i tried to consciously say something nice or supportive to each of my roommates everyday. and i was surprised by how in-habitual it felt.
Then i decided i would just do more around the apartment, even it wasn't my turn or chore or whatever. i just did it.

LONG STORY SHORT IT WAS REAL TOUGH.

i felt kind of evil some days. and i cried a lot out of frustration because i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere at all. I didn't feel any more empathetic toward people. or so i thought.

but slowly, imperceptibly, i was becoming less stressed, though i should have been incredibly stressed. i wasn't getting mad at things. i was slower to judge people. i was it a more generous mood. but i didn't realize all of this until Tuesday. I didn't see the 'invisible growth'.
And then a friend of mine had something terrible happen in his family. and it really really shook me up. I wasn't the one who lost someone. i didn't even remotely know this person. but i felt genuinely, and deeply hurt.
and in a selfish way i was relieved that i felt so deeply again. glad that i could see where my friend was coming from in their grief. grateful that i had such deep emotions- even though it wasn't my tragedy - because it helped me pray more sincerely for those affected. and it helped me have a service oriented mind. and it softened my heart. it turned me back to God.

I sat in my bed and contemplated all of this.
and i cried, because i'm a crier.
and i was feeling all these emotions at once.


and since then i have been able to clearly see Heavenly Father blessing me with love toward the people in my life. I feel deeply their sorrows and also their successes. and it makes me feel real again.


i used to be ashamed that i felt things so deeply. i thought it looked childish, to be so passionate about everything. but I'm seeing more and more that God gave me this ability to feel so that i can comfort others. so that i can look them in the eye and say, "I am so sorry."

but mean it.

so that i can scream with them and laugh with them and FEEL with them, and truly mean the thigns i say to people.
And today, i had a long conversation with a roommate about everything she's going through right now and i was just so thankful that i even cared.
I'm not trying to sound braggy.
"ooo, look at me, i'm so caring and thoughtful."

NOPE.

this is really hard.
i have to literally make an effort every day to keep this. to feel for people. it's a wrestle.

I'm just really thankful, honestly.
that i've gotten this back.
I AM really emotional. i was always self conscious about it but now i know that it's a gift. a way to help me connect with people. a way to help me love. more. better. and everyone, in their own way.

and i'm grateful for my emotions.
all of 'em.