Ryhan Solo

"We need to talk"
uuuuggghhhh worst phrase ever. doesn't it just tie your stomach up?
it did mine! but we couldn't talk that night. so we agreed to wait until Sunday after our first hour of church.
but i didn't actually want to, obviously.
and i was angry.
not at him, at myself. because i assumed that it was me trying too hard again and that i pushed him away and i was sad because this was just another boy who didn't care for me enough to want me and confused because i thought things were going well and blah blah blah.


and then the most amazing thing happened when i woke up the next morning.


My heart had changed.


i'd been praying to know how to help my dear boy be less stressed, because he has a lot of really emotionally taxing responsibilities and i wanted to help him have an easier week. earlier in the week i'd gotten some seemingly unrelated impressions while thinking/studying about Charity.
and i mean Charity as in Christ-like love; "the never ending search for someone else's happiness" "The pure love of Christ" "trying to see someone from a 'i love you as a fellow human regardless of what's happening between us' kind of way" "the endeavor of feeling for someone the way Jesus feels for them." and suddenly it just made sense that i should have some charity for this remarkable boy who i cared about.

so i got ready for church calmly, fully knowing what was going to happen but the anger was completely gone. and i was ready to hear him out and try to understand his reasons.

And after church we walked around for a while talking about everything that he's been going through lately. and i felt this big pool of love well up inside me and it felt like the closest thing to charity I've experienced. and I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay and we wasn't alone. so i did. and once we'd finished talking about all of the things he'd been struggling through and what he needs to do right now, i felt incredibly guilty for assuming the world revolved around me, and this was all MY problem. I hadn't even been thinking about everything he'd been dealing with.
And then i knew that even though i didn't like it, this was the answer. this was how to help him have an easier life. this was how i could help him.
that was the hardest part; that we still care about each other, but this is what has to happen.

hashtag is this what being an adult is? i don't like it.

And even though i was sad that we were ending as a 'couple', i was grateful that he trusted me enough to confide in me about what he's going through. and i appreciate his honesty in saying the things that he did. Even though it bites, i'm grateful that he thought it all out a million different ways because he knows how anxious i get to have every possible ending satisfied when i'm making a decision.
he was very sweet and considerate about it all, which made me only feel more charity for him, because i know that he's stressed beYOND belief, and that this isn't easy for him either. And it means a lot to me that he took the time to explain everything to me in a caring way and include me in the decision. and even though i'd still much rather just be with him. I know that in light of our individual situations, this is what's best in the long run.

and when we'd finally reached a mutually satisfied consensus i put on my most solemn face and asked, "it's the crocs, isn't it? that's what's really brought this on"
which earned a dimpled smile and a hearty surprised laugh from him. I love his laugh so much.


And although i'm sad, because i'll miss all the fun we had, I am proud that neither of us have one regret about the relationship.
and thankful that we can end things cleanly now with absolutely no hard feelings instead of  in a few months amid an on again off again long distance complicated roller coaster that ends with bitterness. that sounds awful!

___

thank you Ryan for caring enough.
enough to do what's best for both of us even though it's what hardest for the both of us.
you are wonderful for that.
thank you for always being so perfectly sweet and kind to everyone, but especially to me. i needed your love and friendship these past few months.
___


I respect his decision.
and i sincerely hope things work out for him. and i'm grateful for this experience.
i have no ill feelings at all, which is extremely relieving because i expected to be a complete mess.

BUT I'M STILL REAL SAD. Because there are so many good and happy things that i love about him. and i really thought this was different. and i still really like him. and he is/was good to me.

sigh.

hahaha

*exaggerated sigh*

thanks for the memories, Ry. 

someday there will be one relationship that works out, right? and some some someday i'll find the one. 

bad eyes, bad back, good friends, good sister

Hi, i got glasses today and it's the strangest thing i've ever experienced. honestly.
also,
I saw X-rays today of me and Jenae's backs side to side at the Chiropractor's today. we have el saaaame spine, y'all. all out of wack. but i have way bigger shoulder and hip bones. hmm.

here are some pictures from the last week and a half or so:

 this little old man rides past our house every day around 1pm, while i'm reading at my desk. he's adorable.

mah first ever Chipotle. as good as they say. 

My pop got a letter from a friend in Australia, and this was the stamp. yes, all hail this infant. 

 rip Trogdor cup :(((

 Ryan, i will drive to "Four Corners" to pick you up every single day if you want, because i get this scenery on the way.

one extra large Hawaiian Pizza for freeeeeeeee. holla. thanks Gina ;)

did i mention that i'm the stage director for the Madera South High School musical? because i am. and i'm going to kill one of the punk little kids any day. watch for me on the news. i'm serious.

March 8 was HAPPY HANSEN DAY. WAHOOOO. I got the HUFFLEPUFF HANSEN award! YAY!! thanks natalie jean ;) 

Right: his concentration face = the angriest thing i've ever seen, haha.

Left: the best ice cream i've ever had. oh and Curtis telling me that he's Ryan's wife and that i am 'the other woman'. hahaha. it's true, though. 

told ya.

 he approved of an 80's floral dress, encouraged me to get an African-y lookin' jumper, AND got seconds of the dinner we made together even though it was weird tasting. so obviously he's a keeper.

And by the way, Mallorie is literally my twin.

also, round of applause for Mallorie for not hating me after i made her a third wheel. 

she's a keeper, too that Mal.

MALSTER HAK AND M-DAWG HANSEN, BEST FRY-ENDS FO LYFE

hi, unshredded shredded cheese.

hi, that's my spine. with an ouchie curve right at the bottom, which according to my chiropractor, is hereditary and developed as if it was normal when i was 9 or ten. 

and hey look, there's jenae on the right. weird, weird weird. 

speaking of the weasel, i was taking her birthday pictures the other day, and caught her face right when she noticed a giant bee by her head. HILARIOUS. i can actually hear her man scream in this picture. 

she's a babe.

neon blue k swiss shoes

It's 2:23 AM and i can't sleep 

and there are 6.5 pages of things i'd like to say. 

almost all good things. 

about a boy with whom i am completely enamored. 

I typed them all out on a Microsoft Word document in my "Rants" folder.

and maybe someday, i'll post them. 

that actually happens a lot.

but i'll see him tomorrow and say all 6.5 pages to his face and then decide whether or not to copy and paste them to the internet for the whole world to see.

i probably won't post them here, actually.

i just want to admit that they exist.

and to say that this boy, who has a name and that name is Ryan, 

makes mah knees weak. 

I've spent 27 of the past 48 hours with him.

okay.

alright.

*internally squealing*

and i'm  100%  cool with that.

ooooone hundred percent.

he is literally nothing like what i anticipated him to be, and i like that. and him. i like him. 

moooooore than i care to admit. 

so here's a bee i met Friday night while forcing my babe-of-a-baby-sister to take pictures in a field by our house for her birthday photos. it's a sort of tradition.

 I am mesmerized by bees, truth be told. 

the creepy little things. 

weekends are great.

 so maybe i really like this boy and was with him all weekend and it did nothing to help my case of twitterpation.

I got CPR certified on Saturday! 

how was my instructor, you ask?

exACTLY like this: (start at 0:24)

these were the dummys we used, and they were terrifying:

it has been raining off and on all weekend. HALLELUJAH. and i can see the mountains on both sides of us.

happy #20 (Saturday the 1) - this GIANT rice krispie treat from my friend Mark.

 saturday night i had my first meal at Chipotle, with the sister missionaries, and it did not disappoint. it's as yummy as people say!

 Saturday i spend the night in Fresno because a bunch of friends and i were watching Thor 2 and by the time it was over and a curly brown head left, it was reeeeally late and i didn't want to drive back to Madera.

So we had a girl's night in front of the fire:

i borrowed these rockin pajamas from my friend kristi. classy:

sunday's happy, #21 - this doodle. done by a group of giggle-y 13 year old boys in front of me during church. L. O. L.

and that was that. 

I love church. and i love having a ton of friends who share my beliefs. makes things easier.

zing

Jamestown Revival "Revival" 

  maybe not for little tiny ears. no bad words or anything, but talks about kissin an stuff, you know. 

IT'S REAL GOOD, THOUGH. they're good.

Wednesday night - happy # 17 M&M cookies

Thursday - Happy # 18 this band^^ SO GOOOOD.

TODAY.

the perfect last day of the month ever. seriously. 

first of all, it has been delightfully rainy all day.

 and this afternoon, i got glasses. weird. 

weird weird. 

for real, wild. 

AND THEN.

i went on a date and it was wooooonderful (and literally forgot to take a single picture because i was that absorbed in conversation, which NEVER HAPPENS. i take pictures of everything. as you all know.) 

and i probably shouldn't be this outwardly giddy in case it doesn't work out but i do not care. I LIKE HIM. 

so Happy # 19 - Ice Skating with Ryan 'Baggins'. 

he is a sweetheart. and i challenge you to find a better smile than his in all the world. 

He has completely won me over, and I DON'T CARE who knows it. 

stick a fork in me, i'm done. 

#16 - Badminton

"As We Ran" by The National Parks

please hear the "We belong here with the Great Tetons" line. favorite part. I LOVE IDAHO. and i miss the teton valley, i do i do i do.

Today's Happy:

Badminton.

we were gettin' our game on, and we noticed that Curtis and alex were creepin. 

so without even saying a word to each other, we started posing ridiculously. gave them a little photoshoot.

 photo proof for mom that he is in fact taller than me ^

"black girl fashionista pose" was what Curtis shouted at us. Ryan struck this pose and i LOST it. resulting in my super attractive fat-neck laugh. hahaha

also, 

"I'm glad you made it! sorry you got lost"

"oh no worries, we weren't lost."

"usually when you have to ask four separate people for directions, it means you're lost."

*followed by best smile ever*

you get the point, i'm smitten. 

ITS ALLLIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

 and by "It" i mean the Central valley. the warm and slight moisture have the trees and weather all thinking it's mid- April.
STOP TRYING TO RUSH THINGS, PLANTS.

but i also kind of love it, because the flowers are blooming and the sky is so so so blue. so that's my happy for Saturday. #13 - all the new colors.

(yo, there are one and a half cuss words in this song, just a warning. )

DO YOU SEE THE BEE?! above!

sure doesn't look like February around here. 

Last night was great. 

*over dramatic teenage sigh*

infatuation. 

"darling"

mexican food

90s cartoons

blushing for hours.

and that's all i'll say for now about that.

and then today happened. and about 95% of it was unplanned. 

and it was great. 

today's happy: this picture of Brodo Swaggins. 

I laughed for almost a full twenty seconds. 

Today was a whole bunch of smiling. 

brought on by one particularly curly head. 

In sunday school, curtis was HARD core creeping, and took this:

so flattering, i know.

and about 45 minutes later i received THIS picture via text message from Seth:

oh, the power of clip art and a witty mind.

as awkward and hyperbolic as this picture is though, i feel like it perfectly captures today's roller coaster.

and other than curly hair, and my failed attempts at coyness, today also consisted of cinnamon french toast, singing, driving, my cousin Ryan's homecoming talk, scaring my two year old cousin, sister missionaries, and planet earth.

so, it was good. 

#smitten

#judgeme

#iknowmymomis

#LOVEMEMOM

#katrinahateshashtags

#dearmalloriemovetomadera