Former Best Friend

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Marissa,

You've been on my mind lately. a lot.
You and i were attached at the hip for nearly six years. We grew up together. You were practically my sister. Then one day we bumped into each other at a high school theatre production and all we saw were strangers with the same faces as the girls we used to love.

I've been thinking about that interaction lately.
It was forced.
It was fake.
I treated you exactly the same as i would have if you were a person from high school who i had in that one class that one year. You treated me like that, too.
It was obvious that we both wanted the past.
We both wanted to hug and act like nothing had happened, but our jokes were tired. Our lives were so far apart from each other that we didn't know what to say. I couldn't even think of a question to ask you, but i literally knew nothing about you anymore.

I hated it.


But you know what? I'd seen you across the room several times that night. I purposefully avoided you at first, thinking it would be too awkward. Thinking you would brush past me or something. So i left. I walked completely out of the building with Jenae, got in my car, backed out, started driving away. I said quietly, "Marissa was there." Jenae said, "I Know! Did you get to talk to her?" "No."
and then i stopped the car. I froze for a second, staring at the dashboard. Then i pulled into the nearest paring spot, literally jumped out the car and ran back into the building through the drama room and found you in the crowd. Then i marched my way over to you, propelled by adrenaline, and hovered around your group of friends until their was a break in conversation. I tapped on your shoulder to say hi to you.

I wanted you to be surprised, and i wanted it to feel good, and i wanted to tell you everything in my heart, and i was so ready to apologize and sit with you and explain everything and beg forgiveness,


but that weird exchange happened instead. A too-polite sounding voice came out of my genuine-intentions mouth and ruined everything.


we walked away from each other with our separate groups of friends and i drove home in silence.






You know, when your niece Gemma was born i cried because i was so happy for you. I knew what that would mean for your family after everything you've been through together, and i was excited that you would get to feel that new kind of exciting love for a child.
You got to see the Jonas Brothers in concert before they broke up and i giggled like an idiot when i saw your pictures, because i knew you were getting to do something you'd wished for since middle school.
I even watched Michael's creepy cult movie even though i don't do scary/dark stuff, because you were in it and i knew it must have been important to you and that you were proud of it. I thought you were incredible. It made me think of all the times we performed together. You're a passionate actress, and loved feeding off your energy on stage. I wish we would have done the Hellen Keller scene together for Amador senior year.

You sent me a waffle maker as a wedding gift and i cried, which i know sounds weird, but it just let me know that you didn't hate me. It also whisked me back to my living room, after sophomore year of high school when we made waffles and eggs and breakfast things and watched Camp Rock 2 and ripped up my stuffed monkey from an ex-boyfriend like we'd done for you with an old crush the previous summer. I can still picture what we were wearing, and our reactions to the movie, and that by the time you all went home, it was getting hot outside.
Karl asked me who the waffle maker was from and i said, "Dobchinsky Marissa" and he smiled. He's heard so much about you. I wish you could meet him. I wish he could meet you. He's so good, Marissa. He's more than i ever dared to wish for. All those times we talked about things we wanted in a marriage and a home and a husband? He is all of those things. He makes me so happy.


But in all of that happiness, i still feel a hole when i see your name.


I regret very few things about my life, because i feel like even my bad choices helped me see the way i should have been living, and they propelled me to change.

But i regret leaving you.

I regret leaving you behind without marching to your door and spilling my heart on your sidewalk. I regret not making more of an effort to show you that i meant my apologies. I regret going to see "Once" In San Francisco with you literally RIGHT behind me on the bus and not saying a single thing to you because i was embarrassed.

I feel uncomfortable around some of your friends because i never knew them very well, and i don't think they like me. Even beyond that i feel uncomfortable around them because i know they love you, and they know who you are know.

I don't know you now.
But that shouldn't have stopped me from talking to you.

I was talking to Karl about you last night as i was falling asleep.
"we were like twins, and then i blinked and we were complete strangers." i said softly.
"How did it get like that, if you were so close?" He mumbled sleepily
"I don't know. After Disneyland? Time just, stretched us, i guess."


and then i fell asleep, and dreamed about us on the first day of school, rushing to classes and dancing in the car on the way home. Doing the same thing over again the next day and the next day and the next.

I said, "I don't know" when he asked me what happened, but i do know.








Senior year, we were as close as ever. inseparable isn't a word i use lightly. We were everywhere together. When I wasn't with you, people asked me where you were, assuming we should be ride beside each other. I loved that. I loved that people associated you with me and me with you. We were a package deal. People knew us as "Marissa and Melissa".


Toward the end of the year, as the musical was ending, we both started dating boys who were different than the kind we usually went for. Honestly, i don't ACTUALLY know anything about your relationship. I judged it, i made assumptions, and i disapproved because i thought it came with people, if that makes sense. Like you linking with that boy linked you with an entire group of people who i knew didn't like me, and i didn't like them. You choosing that boy felt like you were choosing all of those other people, too. So i felt like you were choosing to be 'anti-melissa' as well.

I did the exact same thing.

I dated a boy who was absolutely toxic for me. Zero good things came out of that relationship, and it poisoned a lot of my other relationships that were actually good, because those people tried to show me what i was doing and i didn't want to believe them, so i cut them off.
The stupidest thing was, The boy I was dating was previously in the group of people who i didn't like, and they didn't like me! I had aligned myself with a category of people i wanted to be nothing like. The same group of people attached to your boyfriend were the people attached to mine. Hypocritically I blamed your relationship for our falling out.

In all actuality i think was both.

Your relationship and mine pushed each other away. Not even because of the actual boyfriends, but because of the lifestyles and the associations.


You were one of those kind people who were just trying to convince me that i wasn't doing what was best for my long-term life. I ignored you. I cut you off. I choked out our relationship bit by bit that last month of school, and when we graduated it was nearly unconscious.


When i broke up with my boyfriend, you were still with yours, and the two boys had very close ties. Too close for my comfort. In my mind, you were now part of that group of people who didn't like me, the group of people who were attached to the boy you dated.

We still saw each other, but mostly because of other people inviting us to the same events. I felt disconnected from you, but i tried not to let it show. I remember our mutually good friend Oscar finally catching a glimpse of it and being shocked, because we'd always been like two peas in a pod.



We stayed friends through the summer and fall, though never fully regaining what we had until Christmas when we went to Disneyland. I was uncomfortable that trip because i'd gained 30 pounds my first semester of college and i felt ugly and fat.
The relationships on that trip, though were perfectly normal. We even shared a bed, haha. It reminded us of the night we'd stayed up until who knows when in the morning plastering Jonas Brothers posters to every available inch of space on your walls and ceiling, and then collapsed exhausted onto your bed and fell asleep next to each other. In the morning your dad came in to wake us up and asked, "you slept int he same bed??" with a weird look on his face. Your mom rolled her eyes and we never let it go. We genuinely laughed at that broken record story for years.



We saw each other a few more times, but then my family life got crazy really quickly and i was very busy with a sister who was very ill pregnant and her 3 young children. and i was working and had church obligations. Most night i was just too burnt out to do anything. I hardly had time for myself, i didn't even think about friends.

Right before i left for school again the spring of 2013, you sent me a message on Facebook. You had assumed some things of me that i thought were unfair, but you also pointed out some truths that were hard for me to hear.

I'd forgotten about you.

but it's not because i didn't love you or want to spend time with you, i had forgotten about everyone. My friends from high school seemed like they were in a completely different world, because i spent all day everyday helping my sister raise her children. Life outside of their schedule was recreation, and i just genuinely didn't have time for that.


My cousin and i were working in a friend's almond orchard one day that summer, and she told me that in Amador, a girl in the room had made a derogatory comment about me, and that you had defended me. "Don't judge her!" you'd said. "You don't know her".
It wasn't until then that i'd realized that it was completely my fault that we stopped being friends. You have always been loyal to me, always supported me, always been there, trying.

I never wanted to make you feel excluded. I never intended to stop talking to you. I had no idea you were feeling alienated. I assumed that you were fine, that we were fine, and that when we saw each other again we'd jump right back on track just like at the beginning of every school year after not seeing each other all summer.

I was wrong. I was so wrong, that it was painful to realize. I was so wrong, that i couldn't make it right again. I was so wrong, i ruined our relationship.

It was no longer about boys, it was no longer about other friends or groups of supposed people who i was judging.

It was about me and you.

It was about you feeling neglected, and me not noticing. It was about me not valuing our friendship that i claimed to cherish, when you were still fighting for it.
You'd been fighting for so long, that you were tired. So you took a break, and realized that i wasn't even trying.





I'd hung us out to dry, and not returned for us until the sun had bleached all the color out of us. We were empty.



We were over.







I saw you a couple time after that, including the exchange i described at the beginning of this. I'd invited you over to make pizza, but never followed through, and then it was time for me to go back to school again. I'd inadvertently shown you, again, that i didn't actually care abut you as much as i said i did.
You told me you felt like one of those people who i acted nice to but didn't actually like.

I denied that fiercely,
but,
you were right.
I had treated you that way.







I know that we will never have what we once did, but i wish i could let time and space be the only reason we fell apart.
I hate that it was my fault.
I hate that i didn't try harder.



I just want you to know that i never thought of you in any other regard than that of my best. friend. I never doubted your regard for me, and i never talked poorly about you behind your back. There would have been nothing poor to say. You are incredible, and have always been incredible. I never wanted you out of my life. I never intentionally pushed you out, but when your grip loosened, i didn't pull you back and i'm sorry.

If i had the money i would literally be on a plane right now, hoping to tell you all of this in person.
I wish i could see you again.
I wish we could laugh again.
I wish we could be friends again.


I never, even in my worst nightmares, thought i would be living a life without you in it. Even in my nightmares, you were with me.



We're just both so different now, we can never go back to the way it was.



I just wonder if we can start over?

like literally, just start completely clean.
I'm writing you a letter. Your home address is the only one i have for you, and the only means of communication i have for you that i know would get through to you. I don't have your number, I've tried messaging you on facebook, i feel insincere on instagram, so i'm writing all this out and mailing it to you in the post.





Marissa, can we start over?
I don't want you to be just a face in my photo albums. When my husband, and my children flip through photos of us, i want them to smile because they know who you are.

I don't know if it could ever be that way.
I don't know if i've permanently ruined us.
I know i've ruined the old us, the children us, the two girls who grew up hand in hand, but i hope the bridge isn't completely burnt.


You were a part of me that i was proud of, and i don't want to forever loose you.




Can we start over?





Hello?
My name is Melissa Michiale Horlacher.
I am 21.
I am married.
I live in Utah.
I am working part time and taking 3 online classes, the completion of which will mark my graduation from BYU-Idaho.
My hair is short now. above the shoulders.

If you don't hate me, please write back. Or call me, my number is still the same as it was in 2008. I'll put it in the hand-written letter, but not here on the internet.

I don't know which you'll see first.
either way, Know that i loved us, and a part of my heart still loves a part of yours, but it would love to love the whole thing again.

I don't necessarily deserve a second chance from you, but i'm asking for one.


Yours truly,
Melissa Michiale.

______________________________________

Ibrahim

I have a friend named Jason. 

He and i have been like brother and sister since kindergarten. He's one third of the "Berenda Brothers" trio. the three boys who loved me like my 3 real brothers. 

I cherish the memories i have with this boy. 

After high school he went to Arkansas to play college ball, and i've only seen him a handful of times since. When i do see him, though, it feels completely natural. 

On a beautiful morning in mid April, i got a phone call while i was reading. 

Jason's father had died of a heart attack that morning.

my stomach dropped. I immediately called my own father because the two of them were close friends. He just kept repeating, "oh no. no." and i couldn't hold back my tears as i explained what had happened. very soon i was in contact with Jason and i drove to his house to see him the day after he flew home. 

it was heartbreaking to see Jason so empty. He has always been so full of color and life, spreading joy and laughter, he has the biggest heart i've known. This boy loves fiercely and trusts uninhibited. 

But that was all gone. 

he was a shell.

I hated it. 

we talked for hours on his back porch. 

at first about nothing. catching up. who are you dating, how is life, what's your latest injury, favorite class, roommates are rough, yadda yadda. i was not about to bring it up. eventually he did, slowly, and i didn't push it. 

and then it all came gushing through the conversation and i just let him talk and talk and talk and say everything he needed to say and it was terrible to sit there and see his face so broken and shadowed and not burst into tears. i was trying not to cry because i didn't want him to feel like he had to comfort me. 

Eventually the conversation turned to afterlife, and i didn't push any of my beliefs on him, i just let him talk, and i let him tell me what he believed. 

He told me that his dad would be buried right next to Landon, my brother's best friend. We talked about the similarities between the two men. 

Good, loving, men. with integrity and drive and full lives.

It doesn't make sense that people like that would both die so early in life, and so suddenly, but it happened. We talked about Jason's beliefs and mine, but i let him lead.

I am so glad we had that conversation. 

it brought a kind of peace into the air, and we were able to talk about his father's life and legacy in a memorable, honorary, loving way instead of a painful tragic way. 

No one should have to feel the pressure that Jason seemed to be feeling. 

He is the only son, and that comes with a lot of expectations in his family. It's not fair that he is having to make decisions so early. he's 21 years old, not 30. 

finally, i had to go home, and when i did i flopped right onto my mom's bed and cried for a good hour or more. Seeing Jason so sad had my heart all twisted up tight. 

no one should have to go what he went through. 

I was devastated by the death of this man.

Mr. Ibrahim was an incredible father, and an excellent friend. He was sincerely living his life in the best way he knew how. He loved his wife. He loved his kids. He loved his farm. 

He was a good man. 

His funeral service was touching. 

a fitting memorial to a person so cherished by his family and community. 

All of the 4 children spoke about their father, and Katie and Sabrina sang a song for their dad. 

My own father conducted the funeral, and i felt so torn. 

So lucky to have my father, so sad that Jason didn't have his. 

after the service, there were lots of tears and warm embraces. 

I saw Stephen and Brandon both tightly hugging their fathers at the same time i ran to hug mine, and my heartstrings about snapped.

There was a luncheon at Jason's house afterward. 

Many of our friends from school had come home just for this. 

a testament A) to how loved Mr.Ibrahim was by all those who knew him, not just those his age and B) to how close knit this community is

I felt strange seeing all these people again, though. 

Jason captured my sentiments perfectly when he remarked, 

"You know, we saw each other every day for 13 years. we knew each other's lives backward and forward. We would have done anything for each other. We were one big unit. Now we see each other maybe every 8 months or so at Christmas or summer and act like nothing has changed. We're leading completely different lives. we're not the same. When i see people from high school i feel good,  But i also feel weird, because i'm not that guy anymore, and they're not that guy anymore either. I still love them, I still love those memories, but it feels almost fake, you know? Like we're only still friends because we picked our noses together in the second grade."

I feel the same. 

I'm glad my mom and Mrs. Paul forced us to take pictures. 

It was awkward at first, smiling and laughing during such a somber event. asking Jason to act normal. I felt rude and pushy. 

But i'm actually selfishly glad we took them. because i believe in keeping records of lives. 

this happened. 

Mr. Ibrahim died. 

It was horrible. 

but we all came home to be with Jason, and even if his smile in these pictures is a little forced, i want him to have physical evidence that we were there. we came. because we love him. 

real genuine smiles below. 

That day is tender in my mind. 

these sweet boys. 

I had a feeling while we were standing under the same trees in Jason's yard that we stood under at his 13th birthday party, and after an away game in Firebaugh, and now at the funeral of his dear father, that this might be the last time we're all together. 

at least like that. 

unmarried, not parents, careerless, students 

innocent kids. 

life is hard sometimes. 

i am so grateful that for as long as i can remember, these boys were there for me when my life was rough. My memories with these 3, and their families, are golden, cherished, moments. 

__________________________

Thank you Mr. Ibrahim for talking to me at baseball games because you knew i know nothing about that sport. Thank you for complimenting me so sincerely and trusting me so wholly. I admire your courage and conviction and the deep love you have for your family. 

You were known to tell newlyweds, "Have as many children as you want. They will bring you so much joy."

You lived that belief. 

You actions spelled out very clearly what you knew to be true, and they were all respectable things. 

thank you for your example of ethics and family life. 

from a girl who loved your son like her own brother, and who viewed you as one of her everyday heroes, you are an extraordinary man.

____________________________

Jason, I love you. You are so much like your father, but you are completely your own man and i admire that. I wish you all the love and success that you've worked so hard for your entire life. you are one of the most genuine people i've ever known and it has helped me be more open and honest. You have shaped my life more than you know. 

Thank you for being there for me my whole life, J. I'm glad i've gotten to be there for you, too. 

You will always be the boy with perfectly parted gelled hair and skinned up kick-ball knees. You love with your whole being and one of the most loyal friends of my life. 

You can make it, brother. 

You will see your father again. 

I feel that truth in my bones.

I know it. 

Your family can be together again. 

I love you, J.

- melissa michiale

'Dumbledore's Army' and the 'Padawans of the Jedi Council'

this has absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter OR Star Wars. 

ha. 

So hey, i'm a BYU Sports Camp counselor.

and it's pretty much been the best two weeks in my entire life. I am thrilled for the rest of the summer.

don't roll your eyes, because for once, i'm not exaggerating.

 the night before i left for Utah, i felt like i would explode with all the emotions that were trampling me.

But i'd prayed and prayed about going, and i knew Provo UT was where i was supposed to go this summer. so i packed 6 weeks worth of me into these actually pretty small bags (banana for scale) and leaped. 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SATISFIED WITH A DECISION. 

EVER.

seriously. I'm actually a tiny bit embarrassed by HOW MUCH i love this. 

but on second thought, i'm not embarrassed at all. this job rocks. 

i was booooooorn to be a camp counselor. 

livin'. the. dream. 

I decided to wait a while to put up pictures, because i felt a tiny bit weird putting pictures of other people's kids on the internet. So i waited..because somehow that makes it seem better in my mind. haha. and i won't say their names. 

this was my first week. after about .5 seconds i was tired of saying, "girls!" to get their attention, so i told them to suggest group names. when we voted, it was a tie between, "Dumbledore's Army" and "Hot Guy Lovers". and do you really think i am going to be shouting, "HOT GUY LOVERS"? uhmmm, no thanks.
so D.A. it was.
the first evening we just spent getting to know each other

this group was 11 & 12, by the way, so why they were already obsessed with boys is beyond me. but they for sure were. and the girl pictured below was the worst offender. ha. we'll call her jane. and after about an hour of knowing me, this happened:

Jane: "so. which guy counselor has the cutest boys our age?"

me: Uhm, i have no idea. and i literally only know one boy counselor.

the only boy counselor i knew was my brother Derek's old missionary companion/old roommate/best friend, Dylan. And it just so happened that Dylan had boys who were every bit as girl crazy as mine were boy hungry.  

The first night, at field games, one of Dylan's boys, we'll call him 'John' came up to Jane with a rose, told her she was the prettiest girl at camp (which, to be honest wasn't a stretch) and they swapped numbers. 

 Dylan and i made them pose:

the whole deal even made it to the BYUSportsCamps Instagram page, haha. 

we continued mingling the rest of the night. i hung out with the only 2 girls in my group who weren't drooling over boys:

(unintentional portrait of a bromance to the right. Derek&Dylan fo-eva)

One of the boys in Dylan's group was named "Jed". Dylan called him "Jedi", so the girls referred to the group of boys as "The Jedi Council" and Dylan as "Jedi Master Shawhan".

and the rest, as they say, is history. 

the rest of the week went somethin like this:

 In the mornings, I'd roll out of bed and come into the hall way to find my girls obediantly waiting outside their doors. (minus one girl, who was ALWAYS late. bless her heart.) 

in the lobby, we say a prayer, and go to breakfast in our PJS.

after that, they'd change into their tennis garb and i'd escort them to practice!

we walk past the pool on the way to the field house and GUYS. it has literally been 3 years since i played water polo but the smell of chlorine is still the best in the world. hullo.

I take a big deep breath at these doors and smile, every single morning and afternoon.

they practice for like a million hours, and then come get cleaned up before dinner, which i eat with them.

then comes counselor time! the funnest part of the day!! and the part that adds variety. we play games, hang out, and basically just have a barrel of fun every evening. 

at night there are activities for all the camps. 

then we get ready for bed, have a short devotional, and go to blessed sleep!

and that's it. 

but some events of note my first week:

Tuesday evening, we had dinner with the Jedi Counsel and then joined them for a private screening of "Daddy Daycare". But this poor girl had a massive nosebleed and we missed like half the movie waiting for the blood to stop, and then walking back to the dorms to change her clothes. 

after that was the talent show where that girl blew the roof with "tomorrow". I met her later on in the week and forced her to take a picture with me, haha. 

 Wednesday:

Wednesday morning at breakfast; my girls and i saw, through the window, a hummingbird flying around outside. it was pretty and delicate. 

so a few minutes later when we saw it swooping toward the window, we thought we were in for a treat. 

nope. 

instead, the bird flew STRAIGHT into the window and bounced off onto the cement where we watched, horrified, as its wings fluttered and its chest heaved its last breaths. 

then blood started dripping out of the beak and i wanted to throw up, so we left. 

my 12 year old girls were a little traumatized. 

before practice, they held a 'memorial', and were quite perturbed when i kept taking pictures. i was trying really hard not to laugh at the drama of it all. 

several of the girls even delivered eulogies. 

and they genuinely cried. 

RIP minnie the hummingbird. 

watching you die was really gross, and i'll never forget it. 

Seven Peaks!

we go to a water park once a week. holla. 

this is where the girls run wild and i get to make friends. 

Rachel and Shanna, to be exact. 

 one of my girls broke her big toenail in half on a water slide, but besides that it was smooth. 

aaaaaafter i spent the evening at a water park in full clothing because i didn't own a swimsuit, 

my girls and i joined the Jedi Council for Creamery Ice Cream.

but not before they rolled down the hill. 12 year olds, ya know. 

 I got cookies n' cream in case you were wondering, and it was as good as i remembered.

IT WAS SUCH A BLAST. 

Dylan is a hoot and a half. he made me feel really comfortable and not like i had to try really hard to be his friend. so it was easy to make a fun environment for my girls, because i was comfortable! 

and my girls that week were so great! I think i might have gotten too lucky and had my favorite girls my first week. which actually, was a huge blessing because i was 100% positive that my girls would hate me, that i would be a horrible counselor, that i would have no friends blah da blah. 

not so, not so. 

Heavenly Father knows what we need. 

after ice cream, though, my girls were crazy hyper. 

 Thursday:

started out like any normal day. 

no worries. 

well, meet rebel:

 (the girl, not the fanny pack, duh.)

super nice girl. 

but she was always trying to leave the group to hang out with her brother and his friends. which is fine, and i totally let her whenever it was permissible.

but 

 Thursday i walked to the field house to escort the girls back to the dorms after practice. 

we were planning on going straight to the bookstore for a while before dinner.

Rebel comes out and asks for advil since her toenail broke in half at Seven Peaks and it's been in tennis shoes all day. i tell her that i'm not allowed to give her medicine, but the dorm counselors are. she asks to go see ours, like right then, without waiting for the group. 

i say yes hesitantly, because it's an injury. 

i make her PROMISE that she'll go straight to the dorms and STAY THERE.

she says, "I PROMISE."

I walk the rest of the girls back to the dorms, and guess what?

no rebel. 

noooo rebel. 

10 minutes later, still no rebel. 

20 minutes later, STILL no rebel.

you get the picture. 

AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES LATER, STILL NO REBEL.

and in the mean time i had walked back in forth between the dorms and the field house about fifty times, leaving rebel angry/worried/betrayed voice mails and text messages all the while.

finally, i sit in the hall outside her door and stuff my face with pringles and Star Crunch to drown my anger, which is quickly melting into panic that she is laying dead in a ditch somewhere.

I pray. 

hard. 

and again, harder.

then i breathe and pray again, calmer.

and i know i need to go to the Cannon center (cafeteria).

"there's no reason for her to be there" i think

"but ugh, i'd better go just in case" i think

"i'm going to kill this girl" i think

as i'm walking up the sidewalk, i get the distinct impression that she's just in there eating dinner with her brother. and i feel a gust of relief but immediately overturn that with rage that she lied to my face and told me she was coming straight to the dorms. 

I grit my teeth and walk a little faster, thinking of all the blunt objects i'd like to knock her over the head with.

and then i see Dylan, who just finished his check out. we stop and talk. and he calms me down considerably.

so much, that i kind of forget why i came out of the dorms, i'm just here, shootin' the breeze with mah pal Dylan.
Who is rebel?
 why did i want to flay her?

we're chatting. and then i feel my phone vibrate. i explain quickly why i'm about to verbally rip someone's head off, and then i answer the phone. and proceed to...well...verbally rip the rebel's head off. I'm sure that was really a happy conversation to sit in on. sorry Dylan. 

she was just in the cafeteria eating with her brother, totes fine. 

TOTES FINE. 

she comes out of the cannon center and i tell her to just go to the dorms. i'm exasperated. 

she obeys. 

a wise decision on her part. 

a talk to Dylan for a minute more, and then go back to my dorm. where i take a second to breathe/scream into my pillow, and then i apologize to Rebel for being so rude on the phone, but FIRMLY explain why what she did made me so stressed, and how it ruined the evening activities for our whole group.

she was unrepentant, but i knew she wouldn't change her mind, so i left her (locked, haha) in her room to think about what she'd done while i took the rest of the group to dinner and adequately breathed for the first time in a couple of hours. 

not that you guys cared to hear all about that. OH WELL.

 and the rest of counselor time we spent playing soccer with my roommate Kristen's group.

and then was a movie/pizza night! Emperor's New Groove and Pepperoni was a more than gratifying way to end that stressful night.

 not that these two were my favorite or anything...but uh...they were definitely my favorite. haha.

Friday:

'Jane' was weepy all morning, saying she missed 'John', literally crying, begging me to call Dylan and ask for John's phone number because she lost her copy. it continued after breakfast with Jane endlessly discribing John's eyes, and smile, and cheekbones. okaaaay.

finally, i couldn't take it anymore, 

so i texted Dylan explaining the situation and asking for John's number. haha.

He graciously complied, and i scribbled the number onto a gum wrapper and shoved in Jane's backpack. hahaha HOW ARE 12 YEAR OLD THIS EMOTIONAL.

after their tournament was CHECKOUT! bittasweet.

and then i went home, did a bunch of homework,  met my off campus roommate, and had the best three hour long conversation with Derek ever. I love him. he gets me. and he gets my life. 

he makes me want to be better. 

and that's my motto for this summer:

I WANT TO BE BETTER!

one (blogged) amazing week down, five exciting weeks to go!

and just in case you were wondering, 

yesterday, when i got out of the shower, i put my name tag on my blouse. just out of habit. and my parents came over to drop of Jonathan for the night (full story later) and Derek was like, "hey, uhhh, why are you still wearing your nametag?" 

embarrassing. ha.