August - the days before the wedding

I received my Temple Endowment on Saturday, August 8, 2015. 

That night i went home and wrote in my journal for hours. 

I didn't stop until literally my pen ran out of ink, and even then i hadn't written everything i wanted. 

mmmm, i was so happy. 

On Sunday I went to our ward one last time with Karl (seriously my favorite ward). I drove home with my parents afterward and thought i would just absolutely shrivel up and die when we were saying goodbye. i wouldn't see him for like THREE WHOLE DAYS, HOW WOULD I SURVIVE?!

:)

our first apartment together!

and yes, it really is number 8 1/2. we love that. sounds a little King's Cross-y. 

I got to drive home with my mom and dad. I HATE driving home. My sister Rebecca swears that if she fell asleep in the passenger seat during any part of the drive from UT to central CA, she would know exactly where she was when she woke up without even having to ask. 

I feel the same way. 

It's partly nice, because you always know how much time you have left, but it's also AWFUL because it takes 12+ HOURS!! 

anyway. 

It was Sunday night when we drove home, and we decided to drive through the night (which i also hate, but voted in favor of this time because i was so ready to be home and not cramped in a car.)

the traffic was bad and it was like midnight. that situation equals contention because everyone's tired, and the driver is being scrutinized and the passengers are being annoying, no matter who is playing which of those roles. 

My dad was driving, and i wanted him to stay awake and alert, haha. He gets into a zombie mode while driving late at night where he is totally capable of driving, but he is definitely tired and it freaks me out. So i started thinking of some open ended questions to ask about his mission .

worked like a charm. 

I also got to hear a lot of stories from his mission that i'd never heard before! I was surprised!

we made it home at like 3:30-4:00am. 

uggghh. 

I crawled in bed but was woken up at 7:30 by none other than the dang weasel herself, Jenae Jewel. She likes to scare me awake. One of these days she is literally going to give me a heart attack and then she won't think it's funny. 

I spent the week cleaning and packing up my room, finalizing wedding plans, pickign up borrowed items for the reception decor, etc. It was hectic, but good, because i was busy and not sitting and stewing. I also skyped Karl every night, of course, haha. 

Tuesday night my dear dear dear friend Gina threw me a bridal shower in Madera.

AND GUESS WHERE IT WAS HELD???

FLIPPING ROUND TABLE PIZZA.

I WAS ELATED. 

I only got 1.5 slices of pizza, because i was talking to everyone, but i wasn't even mad, because they were so delicious. 

 (Holla at my sister Katrina for this striped shirt. adorable.)

Throughout my entire engagement, i just could not believe how NICE everyone was being. EVERYONE. random people that i knew in like the dang fourth grade were congratulating me, and relatives that i didn't even remember existed came out of nowhere with cards and sweet notes and advice and money and gifts and honestly, it was kind of overwhelming. HOW AM I EVER GOING TO WRITE ENOUGH THANK YOU CARDS. 

I was surprised over and over again by the sheer hospitality of some people. 

It was all very humbling, but nothing was more humbling than all the gifts. 

After my home bridal shower (which was SO fun and adorable! THANK YOU GINA!!!) i went home and we put all the gifts in my bedroom and i just cried, because i couldn't believe how generous everyone was being, and how genuine all their care was!

If I ever wondered if the people in my life really loved me, i didn't while i was engaged. I knew they loved me. They all worked so hard to make sure i was happy and cared for. golly, i'm still shaking my head over it. 

On Wednesday, the day before Karl came to Fresno, I did something i'd wanted to do for a while. 

I swear i already wrote about this. If i did, oh well. 

When i was like, 13 or 14, i wrote the name of the boy i liked on my back bed post, and kept a tally of all the months i continued to like him. I wrote the name of the boy i liked before i liked him, too, and tallied the months i liked him. 

I kept this practice for 7 years. 

When i liked a new boy, i'd write his name on the bed post, or on my wall, and keep a tally of every month i liked him. Dumb, i know. hahaha.

But i kept doing it, it was tradition. As i got older, the boys had longer bouts of check marks. In middle school there were many names, each with one, maybe 2 check marks. I never wrote two tallys a month though. So i didn't let myself just switch from boy to boy every day.

whatever, my point is, i had this tradition.

In those years i also wrote song lyrics on my wall. mostly Taylor Swift and mostly during boy drama. After a few months, i realized that i didn't want to be surrounded by sad lyrics. I didn't want my life to be defined by boy troubles. so i wrote an uplifting quote on the wall above my closet, which led to another, and another, and another.

My walls have since become covered in quotes and scriptures that i needed during hard times.

I went away to college, and every time i came home i always scoffed at the lyrics by my bed. Why were the most negative things on my walls the ones i spent the most time next to? RIGHT next to my bed, right next to my head when i slept? It was ironic, and i didn't like it.

So while i was home the few days before i got married, I decided to paint over it. 

Jenae helped me. 

we talked the whole time, about the temple, the wedding, her boyfriend, all my past boyfriends

as we painted over the names of boys who used to be so important to me, i couldn't help but smile. Many of those boys taught me great lessons about myself and love. 

It might sound weird, but i'm grateful for those names. 

I'm grateful for what i learned as i made those marks on my wall. 

Those were real people, they are real people. they lead completely different lives now, most of them, and most of them are much better people than they were when i first wrote their names. 

I know i am a much better person than i was when i wrote any of those names. 

It took 2 coats on the pink wall, 3 on the green. 

We painted over my old life. 

Not with the intent of covering it up or hiding it, but with the hope of a new start. 

I'm glad Jenae did this with me, because she was with me during all those names, and she's experienced those marks right a long side me. In a way i feel like she was just as happy that i found Karl as i was. Obviously for different reasons, but it's true. 

I'm glad i wrote those names, and made all those marks. I'm glad i had a way that i felt comfortable expressing myself, and that i had a tangible representation of my romantic past. 

But i'm also glad that i got to paint over it that day. because now, i'm new, just like those walls. 

Of all the names, there was one i didn't paint over. 

Karl Stuart Horlacher

There were 9 tally marks next to his name, representing the 9 various months that he was at the forefront of my heart. the first was August 2014. the other 8 were January-August of 2015.

9 is my favorite number. 

i like coincidences like that. 

there are also 9 parts to my wedding ring. 

we originally planned to get married in 9th month, September, but ended up getting married on Aug 15. 8 1/2 months into the year. now we live in apartment 8 1/2. 

I don't know, i like number things like that. 

After the 9 tally marks i wrote " + forever after. Love, Melissa Michiale" and drew a heart

When i go home next, i'll add a final quote. one about temple marriage, on that pink wall. then it will be complete. 

It was all quite therapeutic. 

The next day, the night before the wedding, my bridesmaids took me to get my nails done. I've  never done that before, so i was really nervous, but it was fun and i'm glad we did it. It helped me feel like every last detail was prepared and beautiful - ready for a wedding.

When Jenae and i got home, we had pizza as a big family. I read a book called, "My Wedding Day" to my nieces and nephews. It's a picture book of a dad telling his little girl about what her wedding day will probably be like when she gets married in the temple.

I held it together until the dad started talking about how much the groom prepares too, and has been a good man so that he can marry a good woman in the temple. I cried thinking of my Karl who has worked so hard to be and stay a good man. 

He really is so kind and precious, and as i read those lines i couldn't believe this was all really happening to me. 

i felt lucky. 

Then we all sang together and had a group hug. It's a pre-wedding tradition for most of the siblings. I'm glad we got to do it for me, too. 

It feels like Heaven to sing with all my family members. 

After we sang and my dad said a prayer, the siblings group hugged around me.  sweet. Jenae took a selfie of us doing  our super cheesy "Team Hansen" thing. we put our hands in the middle of us and then throw them up in the air, hahaha. 

I promise we're not super concieted. 

We really just want to stay together forever and little things like this, as cheesy as they might seem, are actually motivating, and remind me that YES! we ARE a team! we CAN make it if we stick together and help each other!

I also think we look alike in this picture. a LOT. the top right is me, then clockwise it's Derek, Donny, Rebecca, Jenae, Katrina, Jonathan, and Allison. with a tiny baby in the top left corner. hahaha. 

TEAM HANSEN!

We're gonna make it!

After the picture, My parents and i rushed to Fresno with the best man to meet Karl and his parents for dinner. we were a little stressed about timing, but it all worked out. I'd never met Karl's father before, so that was nice. Karl's parents are divorced, but they are nice to each other and i actually really liked having the parents together with me and Karl. 

After dinner, My parents, Karl, Karl's mom, and Joseph the best man, and I, all went to the temple together. It was the first time Karl had ever been in the temple with any family on his side, so it was very emotional and sweet for him. I loved seeing him just hug his mom and cry and smile together. it was a tender experience.

When we were about to leave, Karl's mom pulled me aside and told me how much she loved Karl and was happy for him to have found a good girl who loved him. She wished us luck and gave me a big hug. It was sweet. I cried. I was also grateful that Karl had been helping me become more comfortable signing, because i was able to talk to her even if it was really slow and not true ASL grammar.

Before we got into our cars, Karl gave me a giant hug and a big kiss and told me he loved me and that he couldn't wait to see me in the morning and marry me. 

I drove home alone, and cried practically the entire way, so grateful for my family, and Karl, and this life. I kept shaking my head in disbelief, because i couldn't, and still can't, believe how it all worked out perfectly. I just kept remembering times when i felt horrible and totally hopeless, and how much i had grown through the grace of God and Christ and how i miraculously found KArl and how by no small miracles we ended up together. I felt so blessed that he would be the man i marry. I felt happy that i had finally found a partner. I felt lucky that i was loved, truly loved, in  a way i thought was only possible in fairy tales and Jane Austen novels. 

The whole way home, i prayed and prayed in thanks to God for this opportunity, and for this incredible beginning i was about to have. I was, and am, grateful for everything that led me to that point, and i'm glad i learned so much from hard things. 

I slept easy that night.

grateful. 

blessed. 

full. 

Ibrahim

I have a friend named Jason. 

He and i have been like brother and sister since kindergarten. He's one third of the "Berenda Brothers" trio. the three boys who loved me like my 3 real brothers. 

I cherish the memories i have with this boy. 

After high school he went to Arkansas to play college ball, and i've only seen him a handful of times since. When i do see him, though, it feels completely natural. 

On a beautiful morning in mid April, i got a phone call while i was reading. 

Jason's father had died of a heart attack that morning.

my stomach dropped. I immediately called my own father because the two of them were close friends. He just kept repeating, "oh no. no." and i couldn't hold back my tears as i explained what had happened. very soon i was in contact with Jason and i drove to his house to see him the day after he flew home. 

it was heartbreaking to see Jason so empty. He has always been so full of color and life, spreading joy and laughter, he has the biggest heart i've known. This boy loves fiercely and trusts uninhibited. 

But that was all gone. 

he was a shell.

I hated it. 

we talked for hours on his back porch. 

at first about nothing. catching up. who are you dating, how is life, what's your latest injury, favorite class, roommates are rough, yadda yadda. i was not about to bring it up. eventually he did, slowly, and i didn't push it. 

and then it all came gushing through the conversation and i just let him talk and talk and talk and say everything he needed to say and it was terrible to sit there and see his face so broken and shadowed and not burst into tears. i was trying not to cry because i didn't want him to feel like he had to comfort me. 

Eventually the conversation turned to afterlife, and i didn't push any of my beliefs on him, i just let him talk, and i let him tell me what he believed. 

He told me that his dad would be buried right next to Landon, my brother's best friend. We talked about the similarities between the two men. 

Good, loving, men. with integrity and drive and full lives.

It doesn't make sense that people like that would both die so early in life, and so suddenly, but it happened. We talked about Jason's beliefs and mine, but i let him lead.

I am so glad we had that conversation. 

it brought a kind of peace into the air, and we were able to talk about his father's life and legacy in a memorable, honorary, loving way instead of a painful tragic way. 

No one should have to feel the pressure that Jason seemed to be feeling. 

He is the only son, and that comes with a lot of expectations in his family. It's not fair that he is having to make decisions so early. he's 21 years old, not 30. 

finally, i had to go home, and when i did i flopped right onto my mom's bed and cried for a good hour or more. Seeing Jason so sad had my heart all twisted up tight. 

no one should have to go what he went through. 

I was devastated by the death of this man.

Mr. Ibrahim was an incredible father, and an excellent friend. He was sincerely living his life in the best way he knew how. He loved his wife. He loved his kids. He loved his farm. 

He was a good man. 

His funeral service was touching. 

a fitting memorial to a person so cherished by his family and community. 

All of the 4 children spoke about their father, and Katie and Sabrina sang a song for their dad. 

My own father conducted the funeral, and i felt so torn. 

So lucky to have my father, so sad that Jason didn't have his. 

after the service, there were lots of tears and warm embraces. 

I saw Stephen and Brandon both tightly hugging their fathers at the same time i ran to hug mine, and my heartstrings about snapped.

There was a luncheon at Jason's house afterward. 

Many of our friends from school had come home just for this. 

a testament A) to how loved Mr.Ibrahim was by all those who knew him, not just those his age and B) to how close knit this community is

I felt strange seeing all these people again, though. 

Jason captured my sentiments perfectly when he remarked, 

"You know, we saw each other every day for 13 years. we knew each other's lives backward and forward. We would have done anything for each other. We were one big unit. Now we see each other maybe every 8 months or so at Christmas or summer and act like nothing has changed. We're leading completely different lives. we're not the same. When i see people from high school i feel good,  But i also feel weird, because i'm not that guy anymore, and they're not that guy anymore either. I still love them, I still love those memories, but it feels almost fake, you know? Like we're only still friends because we picked our noses together in the second grade."

I feel the same. 

I'm glad my mom and Mrs. Paul forced us to take pictures. 

It was awkward at first, smiling and laughing during such a somber event. asking Jason to act normal. I felt rude and pushy. 

But i'm actually selfishly glad we took them. because i believe in keeping records of lives. 

this happened. 

Mr. Ibrahim died. 

It was horrible. 

but we all came home to be with Jason, and even if his smile in these pictures is a little forced, i want him to have physical evidence that we were there. we came. because we love him. 

real genuine smiles below. 

That day is tender in my mind. 

these sweet boys. 

I had a feeling while we were standing under the same trees in Jason's yard that we stood under at his 13th birthday party, and after an away game in Firebaugh, and now at the funeral of his dear father, that this might be the last time we're all together. 

at least like that. 

unmarried, not parents, careerless, students 

innocent kids. 

life is hard sometimes. 

i am so grateful that for as long as i can remember, these boys were there for me when my life was rough. My memories with these 3, and their families, are golden, cherished, moments. 

__________________________

Thank you Mr. Ibrahim for talking to me at baseball games because you knew i know nothing about that sport. Thank you for complimenting me so sincerely and trusting me so wholly. I admire your courage and conviction and the deep love you have for your family. 

You were known to tell newlyweds, "Have as many children as you want. They will bring you so much joy."

You lived that belief. 

You actions spelled out very clearly what you knew to be true, and they were all respectable things. 

thank you for your example of ethics and family life. 

from a girl who loved your son like her own brother, and who viewed you as one of her everyday heroes, you are an extraordinary man.

____________________________

Jason, I love you. You are so much like your father, but you are completely your own man and i admire that. I wish you all the love and success that you've worked so hard for your entire life. you are one of the most genuine people i've ever known and it has helped me be more open and honest. You have shaped my life more than you know. 

Thank you for being there for me my whole life, J. I'm glad i've gotten to be there for you, too. 

You will always be the boy with perfectly parted gelled hair and skinned up kick-ball knees. You love with your whole being and one of the most loyal friends of my life. 

You can make it, brother. 

You will see your father again. 

I feel that truth in my bones.

I know it. 

Your family can be together again. 

I love you, J.

- melissa michiale

When Rebecca drove me home

When i left Rexburg, i got to stay in Utah for a couple days! for Raycelan's bridal shower, mostly, but also because i wanted to spend more time with my then-boyfriend Karl. 

(speaking of which, i've been posting on our new blog about our story!)

The weekend was fantastic, and a blur of sweet conversation and late late nights with my sweet boy. Monday morning rolled around, and i drove home to Madera, California with my oldest sister Rebecca, her two youngest, and my brother Jonathan.

IT WAS A BLAST.

I HATE the drive from home to Provo, but honestly, i barely noticed the amount of time we spent driving because i just talked to Rebecca for hours and hours about everything under the sun and it was wonderful. She is one of the best women i know, and one of the best mothers i know. 

this sweetie is one of my favorite babies ever, and she was SUCH A TROOPER the whole drive! these were taken at a park we stopped at. cutie cutie cutie. 

then we FINALLY made it home, and as soon as i stepped onto my front lawn, there was a finality to it. I knew i wanted to marry Karl, and though i thought then it would be in the spring of 2016, i knew that this would be my last time living at home for any extended amount of time, and it was strange. 

I came home at the most beautiful time of year to be home. 

The trees are in brilliant green splendor and the weeds in the fields surrounding my house are turning dry, but in the twilight they put of a golden glow. wild sweet peas line the front yard, and strawberries line the sidewalk. 

I breathed in deeply and decided that this was going to be great. this time at home was going to be fun and happy and full. 

I just wished that Karl was there with me to feel it all.

I write scriptures and quotes on my mirrors to keep me on top of things. I came home and Jenae had left one up since Christmas when i was home last. my heart was pretty warmed. 

I spent all of Winter semester teaching preschool in the afternoons, so hanging out with my nephew was easy and fun and i felt closer to him than i ever had before. I just felt like i understood him more because i was asking him questions differently and just letting him talk to me. 

 Preschool taught me a lot about how i want to make my own home. And showed me how incredible my own mother was, and how wonderful my sisters are at making Zion homes. 

my favorite things with my Nephew were painting and playing outside. 

the sunshine is so different in California. 

and painting with children helps me get to know them better. 

me: You used so many bright colors to make your lines!

Him: It's a city in Japan! These are the roads, and that is the biggest river. Do you see?

me: I see that these grey lines connect to each other.

him: yeah, those are the neighborhoods next to the river. the roads go over the river, too.

what a cutie!!! I love doing art with kids. 

I painted some squiggles and lines, just for fun and to wind down, and then i tried painting Derek and Raycelan but neither attempt turned out the way i wanted. 

But i felt really relaxed! so that's good!

I found a brand new Harry Potter Trivia board game at DI in Rexburg for $0.75 HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!!!! It was original edition!! That goes for $60.00 and upward on the internet!

I came out into the living room one evening, and my evening had arranged all the toy cars onto a yoga mat like this:

he said, "They're all driving in the streets."

3 year olds are my favorite humans. ps he's going to be an engineer just like his father. 

other nephew highlights include:

him holding my hand whenever we walked somewhere. sweetest. 

his enthusiasm over the sun cracked cowboys and indians toys in the backyard in the old playhouse. 

and of course, the trampoline.

I just love that boy. 

The rest of that first week was all very exciting and full. I was reacquainted with "Lady" the puppy Jenae got at Christmas who is now an actual animal and not a teeny wobbly thing. 

I sent Karl a package so it would get there in time for his birthday

and spent as much time as possible snugging this girl

I loved catching up with Die Viesel, too. Here she is with literal milk in her eyes:

and lil homie Virat making friends with the babies. cutie. 

My oldest brother Donny and his little adorable family came to visit on Sunday evening, and his little girl adores her cousins! they're all very cute to watch together. 

and finally, I love to read outloud from the scriptures with my family, but maybe most especially with Jonathan. He just has really different points of view than i do, so his insights are things i probably never would have noticed or thought of. I love to read with him and feel his adoration for the words and the people. Jonathan is a great scriptorian!