Apathetic way to be

something happened to me after Sports Camps.


I had had this incredibly uplifting summer, and then came home and felt....i don't know. stagnant selfish? unsettled?
i wasn't depressed. that's not it.
i wasn't necessarily unhappy. but i definitely wasn't happy, either.

i guess i felt let down, i fell off my Sports Camps high with a resounding bang. and there i was again at home, living with my parents. I love them. i love my family. i love being at home.
i was just very suddenly disenchanted with working for my old school district. politics.yuck. and long long story short i was just ready to go back to school and DO something with my life.

and i felt like all my emotions were draining out of me. nothing felt like enough, so i just stopped trying. everything was overwhelming, so i began to shut down.

and i hated that.

because I had just completely opened up all summer and been ME. REALLY me. for the first time in a very long time. and now here i was, neatly packing myself away in a box to be opened next summer.

and then one week at our Home Evening group, we set a bunch of goals for the semester. most were weekly goals but some were for the entire term, and one of them was to pick a Christlike attribute to work on until Christmas,

I'd felt my emotions becoming bland. and i'd felt my heart pushing against it.
It showed in everything i did. my short temper, my shallow patience. the snobby attitude i had toward other in my head.
and i couldn't stand that.
i'd worked so hard to be good over the summer. i was wasting all my progress.

so i chose to work on Charity.

to love more. to love better. to love everyone. including myself.







and it is really hard.







i tried to consciously say something nice or supportive to each of my roommates everyday. and i was surprised by how in-habitual it felt.
Then i decided i would just do more around the apartment, even it wasn't my turn or chore or whatever. i just did it.

LONG STORY SHORT IT WAS REAL TOUGH.

i felt kind of evil some days. and i cried a lot out of frustration because i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere at all. I didn't feel any more empathetic toward people. or so i thought.

but slowly, imperceptibly, i was becoming less stressed, though i should have been incredibly stressed. i wasn't getting mad at things. i was slower to judge people. i was it a more generous mood. but i didn't realize all of this until Tuesday. I didn't see the 'invisible growth'.
And then a friend of mine had something terrible happen in his family. and it really really shook me up. I wasn't the one who lost someone. i didn't even remotely know this person. but i felt genuinely, and deeply hurt.
and in a selfish way i was relieved that i felt so deeply again. glad that i could see where my friend was coming from in their grief. grateful that i had such deep emotions- even though it wasn't my tragedy - because it helped me pray more sincerely for those affected. and it helped me have a service oriented mind. and it softened my heart. it turned me back to God.

I sat in my bed and contemplated all of this.
and i cried, because i'm a crier.
and i was feeling all these emotions at once.


and since then i have been able to clearly see Heavenly Father blessing me with love toward the people in my life. I feel deeply their sorrows and also their successes. and it makes me feel real again.


i used to be ashamed that i felt things so deeply. i thought it looked childish, to be so passionate about everything. but I'm seeing more and more that God gave me this ability to feel so that i can comfort others. so that i can look them in the eye and say, "I am so sorry."

but mean it.

so that i can scream with them and laugh with them and FEEL with them, and truly mean the thigns i say to people.
And today, i had a long conversation with a roommate about everything she's going through right now and i was just so thankful that i even cared.
I'm not trying to sound braggy.
"ooo, look at me, i'm so caring and thoughtful."

NOPE.

this is really hard.
i have to literally make an effort every day to keep this. to feel for people. it's a wrestle.

I'm just really thankful, honestly.
that i've gotten this back.
I AM really emotional. i was always self conscious about it but now i know that it's a gift. a way to help me connect with people. a way to help me love. more. better. and everyone, in their own way.

and i'm grateful for my emotions.
all of 'em.

My Interstellar Review

I just saw Interstellar on its opening night

And

I.

Can’t .  



Breathe.

It was so far beyond “good” that I can’t even fathom a way to iterate my feelings. It was transcendent. Ethereal. Profound. Awe-inspiring.

I am reeling.

It’s been an hour since I walked out of the theater, and my disbelief is still completely suspended. Poetic Faith is still wholly clutching my heart.

That movie was not minutes long, it was days, months, decades.

 but completely timeless.

There was no concept of passing anything in my mind while watching that movie. I wasn’t in a certain seat or building, I merely was.

Never has my heart pounded so furiously. I’ve never known the meaning of a pounding heart until tonight. The phrase, “On the edge of your seat” doesn’t begin to describe the downright thrill. The entire audience sat in rapt devotion to the screen, but it wasn’t a screen, it was life. being displayed before us, and it was intimate and real but still paranormal.

I knew that someone sat right next to me, but I never saw them, I saw only the film. But I FELT the person next to me. I felt everyone. The sheer energy in the theatre was so thick I was gulping it. Every second, every moment was spinning and raging. Some scenes felt too sincere for me to be seeing, tears rolling down my face reminded me that I was intruding on their tender dialogue. Other parts made me want to cheer with my whole self, and with stadiums and crowds all over, screaming together at the human spirit – struggling, fighting, conquering. Every worrying emotion you can imagine was thrown at me, but slowly, all the uplifting emotions won out until they were a deafening roar of triumph.

My mind has never known such confusion. I’ve never experienced such grinding concentration but been so delighted to concentrate. The sheer magnitude of what I was watching literally took my breath away in some moments, it was so massive. Too extraordinary to even attempt to wrap my mind around.  My heart has never been so wrenched in suspension, nor felt such incredible relief. I've never practiced so much restraint as in the moment when I nearly stood and screamed in unadulterated pride as the credits rolled in. I will remember that feeling forever.

Interstellar was a stunning success and an immense privilege.

An absolute masterpiece. 

Post Sports Camps Blues

you know, I've heard that when people come home from a mission, it's easy to get depressed. you're out in the world for two whole years spending 99% of your day serving other people. teaching people and other good stuff. and when you come home, even if you have a job and your family loves you and you're not doing anything necessarily bad, it's just easy to be sad, because everything seems unimportant compared to the work you were doing on your mission.

I've never been on a Mission, so i don't claim to know what that's like. 

but i always wondered what would be so hard. 

I'm not saying that Sports Camps is anywhere near as important or life changing as a mission is. But it was a huge emotional investment for me. and while the changes that happen in transition from a full-time missionary to average joe are one million times harder than my transition from Provo to home, i think maybe i understand a teaspoon of what those missionaries mean now. 

I wasn't serving other people 99% of my day, but prolly 40%. 

I wasn't teaching about God and Jesus Christ all day everyday everywhere i went to everyone i saw through lessons and formal study, but because i was working for an institution associated with the church bearing His name, i tried my best to teach people about Him whenever i could. every night i tried to have His spirit as i gave a devotional to my girls before bed, and throughout the day i tried to have His charity.

obviously, full time missionaries have it a lot harder. 

but i really did try to live as obedient to the commandments of God as possible at Sports Camps. not that i don't always try, but it seems like my resolve was greater. 

part of that came from my older Brother being my boss. 

I didn't want anyone to think i only got the job just because i was Derek's sister. 

I wanted to be my very best all the time so that my name, our name, would stay as clean as he had kept it.

I didn't want anyone to think badly of him for choosing me as one of his employees.

i literally cannot name all of the blessings and epiphanies that came during those eight weeks at Sports Camps, or the blessings that followed that were literally direct results of my efforts at Sports Camps.

it all just felt so good.

to be teaching young girls, to be helping them have a fun, safe, uplifting week whether they shared my beliefs or not. 

and although that's not half what a missionary does, i felt like i was kind of on my own mini mission.

i devoted most of my time to helping other people and fulfilling my roles. and it felt great.

I knew coming home would be hard. i wouldn't have Derek, i would have significantly fewer friends close at hand. i wasn't going to be doing the same kinds of things. 

but i didn't know it would be THIS hard. 

i just feel stagnant. 

I've been blessed to work the whole time i've been home. I'm still reading my scriptures and praying and writing in my journal like i was at Camp. I've spent a million hours with my family. etc etc. i feel like i'm doing the right things, and i haven't done any thing really wrong per se.

i just feel unnecessary. or something like that. 

I've been busy everyday, just like i was in Provo, but the things i fill my day with here don't fill my heart like they did at camp. 

I still try to have Charity, but it doesn't feel the same. and i'm willing to tell people about my beliefs, but i don't want to be pushy. it's not as easy here. 

I guess i just felt like Sports Camps lifted me up all day every day because of where we were and what we were trying to do. 

and things just don't feel as fulfilling here, even though i'm staying 'productive'.

nothing compares, so i feel useless.

but i know that's not true! and it's so frustrating!!

and today, the person i was subbing for at the library came back unexpectedly. I came into work like normal, and there she was at the computer. 

and immediately everyone gaped at me like i had a second head or something. 

"oh, nobody called you?"

"no... oh... are you back?"

"Yeah, i'm really sorry, they told me they'd contact you beforehand."

awkward. 

so i choked down some tears, collected my things, and left. but Jonathan had given me a ride and had already left for HIS work. i called him and then remembered that he'd forgotten his phone at home. 

called my mommy. 

but she didn't have a car either, and she was already at work. 

so i had to walk home. 

i got about one foot off campus and started crying, totally unashamed. 

I could have worked a whole additional week! i really needed that money for school, and this job had amazing pay. I immediately started running through all the little things that i've done since i've been home that probably weren't the best. being frustrated with my mom and snapping at her, or jenae, or jonathan, or Derek, being generally unhelpful around the house and blaming it on my 'long work hours' even though my mom has the same hours as me and then comes home and still works like a beaver. etc etc

And i was kicking myself for not being as diligent as i had been at Camp.

obviously me losing this job was god punishing me for being snippy with my siblings

and then i heard a song. 

 it was so faint that i dismissed it as someone's radio, but i heard it, 

"He is known by many names ... and he's not forgotten yours"

i stopped in mid-step and swung my head from side to side before i realized that the music i was hearing was coming from my own pocket. i felt silly, realizing it was my phone. but why was it playing that song? i didn't tell it to. then i felt a buzz. my phone was ringing. 

why was it playing THAT song?! that's not my ringtone. 

my ringtone has been ThePianoGuys' version of "The Cello Song" since literally 2012. 

but i got my phone out anyway, and answered it. 

it was my aunt Chris, explaining that my Uncle was coming to pick me up. he was in the area and it was no problem, she assured me. i thanked her a million times.

I looked at the settings in my phone, and yeah, my ringtone was still set as the cello song.

all the rest of today, my phone has been ringing with the normal song. so weird. 

I don't know how that happened, but i'm grateful. 

because right then i needed to be assured that i wasn't losing my job over a few tart comments, and that i was over reacting. And that i was still going along Heavenly Father's path for me.

the whole time while i waited for my uncle, and in the hours that followed before my mom got home work, that line kept running through my head, 

"Hope comes through the One with many names, and he's not forgotten yours"

(this is the song, and it's a goodie.)

and each time, it calmed me a little bit more. 

I had a bit of a breakdown when i got home. 

I had totally counted my eggs before the hatched, and i was freaking out crunching numbers wondering how in the heck i'm going to work things out.

plus, i was really frustrated that i've been feeling so bummy lately.

and i cried and prayed and played the piano until my anxiety was forgotten. 

and in the minutes after , i just plain sat and stared into space. thinking. 

as the dust of the morning settled, i was left with one clear set of thoughts:

- I am necessary and useful even when it doesn't seem like it to me.

- I'm still representing my brother, it's just a different Brother. I want to prove that I deserve the trust He's been giving me. I've taken His name, and I still want to be my very best all the time so that it can stay as clean as He's kept it. I didn't want anyone to think badly of Him for choosing me as one of His.

- i can still devote my time to serving others, even though it's not my literal job.

- i may not be teaching people formal lessons, but i can teach people just by living the way i know i ought to be.

- i can still have Charity and keep the Lord's Spirit with me

- i can still have a full heart. i'm the one blocking it. I have to let things in.

- i can choose to create

- i will be sustained and supported so long as i am being obedient. i need to have a little more faith.

- God hasn't forgotten me. He never will.

and when i look at things like that, i've really got things pretty easy.

how can i complain when i am actually so blessed?

PEACE OUT, SUMMER BLUES, I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, ALRIGHT? 

GET OUTTA HERE. 

there. 

_______________________

and shout out to several people who randomly texted me today about stuff. you didn't know it, but you were answering my prayer to feel known.

Golden Girls

:: Last Week of Sports Camps ::

aka the saddest week of my existence. 

okay so not really because it was still super fun, but it was really sad the last night. 

SMALLEST CHECK IN OF MY LIFE, Y'ALL.

i still got to joke with other counselors and laugh a whole lot, so it was good. 

i had another week of volleyball girls!! yay!

The entire week i kept thinking, "this is my last ___________" or "I'm going to really miss________"

the trees all over campus and green everything is definitely going on my miss list. 

 Monday night, we were headed for field games, and we saw some really dark clouds in the distance, but we were way hyper, and i already loved my group, so i was happy and didn't mind the brooding sky. 

also, i just really wanted a Popsicle.

we got to the edge of the dorms and it started sprinkling. but it had been sprinkling on and off all weekend. 

no big. 

then, out of nowhere i was soaking wet, completely drenched and freezing cold. 

The sky fell open like someone was holding it upside down and shaking it out.

it literally happened so fast that i didn't fully understand what was going on. that and, all the rain was collecting at my glasses and i couldn't see at all. 

 we SPRINTED back to our dorms, hurdling bushes and dodging trees like Robin Hood and little John, and somehow made it back without drowning.

video of that transition here

my profcrocs (professional crocs. i know, i'm clever.) were full of water

DRENCHED. 

and this was my undisclosed favorite, we'll call her Tally

so instead we just hung out in the dorms and got to know each other better. 

these girls were INCREDIBLE. it was that night that i got to know Tasha. 

THIS GROUP WAS SO GOOD. 

i know i say that about most of them, haha. 

these girls were ALL obedient, though. 

every single one of them. 

i had literally zero problems that week. 

zero, zip, zulch. 

just a whole lot of love and a whole lot of prayers answered. 

We went to Six Peaks on Tuesday instead of Wednesday, buuuuuut we got rained out. again. 

when we got bused back to camp, we headed to the Tanner building to 'my room' (one last time) and watched The Parent Trap. ahh, the 90s.

 i ruved dees ladiez

Their name was "golden girls", by the way. because one of the girls said, "Golden!" a lot, and we had all caught on by not even the end of the first day, haha. 

 this was my arm a few days post-river. i should have taken a picture later in the week, because the bruises were great colors!

Wednesday i had lunch with my friend Ryan, and afterward, we were walking back to campus and i just felt really really lucky for having this summer. 

but right then i felt lucky for all the good men i met this summer. 

trust me, i'm not bragging. it's not like i went on a million dates or anything, and no i didn't get a boyfriend. haha. i'm just saying. there are so so so many good men out there. there are so many boys trying to be good people, and i love that. i love guys who aren't ashamed to be kind or spiritual. 

I knew a lot of people like that this summer and it made me happy. 

Wednesday was our last night.

GROOVE TIME

 Hi, i'm the embarrassing counselor who goes around taking pictures of my campers with their crushes.

I danced and danced like there was no tomorrow. and while we screamed at the top of our lungs and flopped around like noodles, which we call dancing, i couldn't help but get carried away. 

 everything slowed down in my head and i had to swallow a sudden lump in my throat. 

Then the DJ HAD to play "stay with me" and make us all want to cry. there were lots of big tight squeezy hugs. but i stopped that almost immediately because i did not want to breakdown in front of everyone, haha. 

and then, just like that, the week was over. 

Thursday afternoon, i said goodbye to my girls

(TASHA!!)

and some other counselors! (The beautiful Rachels)

then i packed lickety split and hitched a ride with Rachel O back to my apartment. we agreed to write letters and have a book club. i sincerely love that girl. maybe we stayed up until 3:30 am talking all Wednesday night and i felt like our souls were a little more knit, even though it was probably foolish to stay up into the wee morning, haha. 

I unpacked and said a preliminary goodbye to some dearies across the quad. 

One girl's name is Melissa, too. We even have the same initials. and she moved into my apartment after i left! hahaha. so we had to take a picture.

thursday night i went on a date with my friend Karl. he's such a sweetheart! he had remembered that i had a Provo bucket list and he took me to some of the places that i hadn't crossed off yet. my fanny pack was broken, though, so i had no place to tote a camera, and didn't get any pictures. bummy. 

but a note to all future boys:

ask Karl how to make girls feel smart and funny and cute. he's really good at that. 

...

I spent all friday packing and cleaning. 

except that in the early afternoon i went on campus to pick up my last check. and on the way home, i got a phone call from a Madera number. 

so i answered. 

curious. 

It was a woman from the Madera Unified School District Office offering me a sub position at the MSHS library as a media tech for as long as i'm home before my school starts in September. UHM, YES, PLEASE. obedience brings blessings, y'all.

i practically jumped through the phone into her office to put a green check mark by my name.

yes.

pleasantries. thank yous. 

hang up. 

reality. 

summer is over. 

I sat right there on the hill next to the 'athlete's tunnel' that i had walked under with my campers every day for the past eight weeks,

 and i cried. 

cried for the good and for the bad and for the things that i've left behind this summer that i should have thrown far away, years ago. I cried because i'm going to miss singing with Derek in church. we're a built in duet wherever we go. I cried because i was remembering that exactly one year ago i was a miserable, pathetic heap on my bedroom floor in the depths of depression and the only thing i wanted was to get my life back. I cried that day on the hill because this summer, i fought. and i won. and i got my life back. 

I cried for my dear friends that i am leaving in Provo and the memories that we've made, and because fast friends that are also true friends are rare. i was so lucky. 

mostly i cried because i have just been so wonderfully blessed. 

 because i was happy and sad and grateful. 

I was being handed a miracle job on a silver platter, but i would be leaving the job that I've loved with my whole entire heart. 

every feeling i'd kept plugged up for the past eight weeks came spilling over on that green knoll. i laid back in the grass and twisted a few blades between my fingers, the last few stragglers dripping down my cheeks, and  i let out a labored sigh. i reached underneath my glasses and rubbed my eyes, then kept my fingers over my lids to block out the light. 

and i prayed really hard to just feel grateful instead of sad, because i really was so happy and thankful for the way everything had turned out, and is still turning out.

tears came again, but they weren't the hot salty kind anymore, they were the calm reassuring kind that make your eyes feel less itchy. 

I breathed out as slowly and steadily as possible, and then got up, gathered my things, and walked home. 

then, like the widow of Zarephath, i ate the last of my food and prepared to die. hahaha. 

well, figuratively, of course. but i really did eat the last of my food. 

 saturday morning i checked out of my dear Cinnamon Tree Apartment. 

Derek's roommate offered to drive us to St.George to meet our mom who was staying there for the week anyway. uhmm, yes! thanks, dawg! so nice! buuuuuuuuuttt....he got a ticket...and i felt horrible...

the ride home with Derek and Mom was a lot of really good conversation, singing, and laughing. and a stop at the Las Vega Subway where an employee named Dominic was literally so helpful and impressive that i took down the manager's number and called in after the fact to compliment the service. 

we got home around 3 am. 

and i crawled into my on bed that night thinking, "this might be the last time i live at home..." and it put me in a weird, pensive mood for the whole next week. and now, afterward, i'm still looking at things differently. 

I'm home now, Sports Camps are over, but i don't want to stop being who i was becoming there. I still want to be improving. i refuse to have another khazad-dum summer. 

i refuse to be stagnant again. 

i am still going to get better. 

always, always, 

i wanna be better. 

i am going to continue getting better this summer.

i can do, i can do it. 

Barfi!

I don't mind foreign films, even though you have to read subtitles the whole time.
I'm not super into bollywood, so when a friend recommended this movie on Facebook the other day, i was beyond skeptical.
but on a whim i pressed play.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND I LOVED IT AND I CRIED LIKE A BABY.

not that you have to cry for a movie to be good, because you don't. but goodness gracious, i whole heartedly recommend this film:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2082197/?ref_=nv_sr_1

It's called, "Barfi!"

so so so so so so so so so good.
watch it right now, please.

Since I've been home

 I've been home since the third week of July and Since then, I have...

• Helped Jenae out on her farm

So my little sister is a hard core aggie. So straight up planted her own vineyard at our high school's farm. And it's really big! she planted it, set up all the wire things (I know nothing about farming, don't judge me) and water drips, and she tied almost all the vines by herself! (we went out and helped her finish the last couple rows so she could meet her deadline) I was honestly impressed on my first trip out there

while tying vines, my mom found a tiny baby bunny! then my Dad touched it, and i bet it's mom ate it because it had my Dad's scent on it -_-. Way to GO, dad.

Jenae also has two animals that she cares for and is sowing them in the county fair in September. Then she'll sell them to Butchers and make lots of money? i have NO IDEA how the system works, alright? but she devotes a LOT of time to these stinky things. they have names but i call them McDouble and McBacon.

Jenae is not amused...

yeah, she's like an Officer in the FFA. who gave her permission to be an adult? I didn't.

• Harvested Almonds

Some friends of ours have an Almond Orchard and every summer they hire a bunch of kids to come do the in-between jobs that machines don't do. So i the last week of July waking up at dawn to shake almonds and rake them to the middle of the row. It seems easy, it kind of is,  it's also tiring. But it goes by quickly if you're working hard.

Jenae hates me.

Cons: - stupid immature high school boys who wasted the Peruch's money by standing aroudn joking and laughing while the rest of us were working. ugh.

- the heat. luckily we ended at noon, before it got obscenely hot. My body went through a weird thing at first because i was so used to Idaho weather, i was NOT prepared for the 100+ days here.

- my hair getting stuck in EVERY FLIPPING BRANCH IN THE ENTIRE ORCHARD. seriously at least every other tree. most AGGRAVATING thing in the world. awful. 

Pros: - getting to walk and talk with my cousin Teddy, my little Sister Jenae, and our friend Jaise, all morning for a week. It's good to catch up and talk like normal teenage girls.

- I GOT A TAN. a fatty farmer's tan actually. and i'm still ridiculously pale, but i no longer have that 'Idaho Vampire' look.

- 200 bucks. holla.

- arm muscles. seriously, though. holding a giant pole up in the air all day hitting stray almonds has it's benefits. and raking all day is a serious ab workout.

- gospel analogies. seriously! almond Harvest = perfect metaphor for a lot of things. 

• celebrated Jonathan and Derek's 23rd birthday! OLD GRANDPA'S. since I was home with Jonathan, we tried to recreate some old photos. they just turned out awkward and so i didn't put them on facebook. but as you know, i have no problem putting attractive pictures of myself on here :)

• Said goodbye to some of my best pals

they're wonderful. and good looking. I'll miss 'em. they're off to serve missions! Janelle to Brazil, Nicole to Tennessee, and Ernesto to Chile! good luck fellas!

• Enjoyed 3 of my 8 (soon to be 10!) favorite kiddos

My sister Allison and her husband Kent wanted to go on a trip before their new baby comes in just a couple weeks! so they went on a romantic coastal getaway and we watched the kids. i MISSED THEM so much!! they're each so unique and hilarious and i cannot WAIT until their baby brother (please name him Seth please name him Seth please name him Seth) is born!

Friday around noon my mom was still at work, the kids were getting cabin fever and it was HOT. so i sprayed them with the hose. haha just as fun for me as it was for them. haahahahahaha

Jenna has a black eye from an unfortunate run in with a buzz lightyear toy. haha. i was also cracking up at her swimsuit because it reminds me of a wrestling uniform. (by the way, Allison, I LOVE Natalie's suit! her shorts are adorable.)

Jenna HATED being sprayed with water directly. haha so i sprayed down the trampoline and Jenae supervised her splashing around. too cute.

other highlights of the weekend include Peek-a-boo:

grammy's toy closet:

and stargazing!

• other summer events not pictured: 

-where's waldo for Young Single Adult FHE. I was Waldo.

- babysitting. lots of it. hallelujah.

- a baseball game

- going to Brandon's house. happy happy. applying for 235474 jobs in Idaho

- MERLIN. MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN. honestly, it's a sick obsession. the day i finished the fifth and final season, i cried because i hated the ending, and then i cried because it was beautiful, and then i cried because i wasted hours and hours on a TV show and i felt lame, and then i cried because it's over. sigh. and last night i had a dream that Sir Percival asked me out on a date. swoooooon.

- missionary lessons! one of my friends from high school is learning more about my church and is going to get baptized! SO exciting! and i get to go to her lessons with our missionaries,m which is way cool.

- Mal pal. Mallorie Lane Hakanson. late night talks, sleep overs and taylor swift. sounds good.

and that's it so far. Summer's half way over, now.

still don't know how to feel about it.

the ONLY reason why i wish i had stayed i Rexburg was so i could see my brother Donny (or should i say, DON...hahaha) and his wife Christine's baby who is literally due any day. I WANT TO MEET HER SO BAD. I won't say her name in case they wanted it to be a surprise, but i can already picture her brown curly hair and her squishy cheeks.

my thoughts on new niece and nephew will  be coming to this blog soon.