Thanks for the Memories

Dear Reader,

If you're new, i'm now blogging exclusively at melissamichialeinlove.blogspot.com. You many go there if you'd like to keep updated on my life after marriage.





This will be my last "Happy Wagon" post, so i have some things i want to say. especially to those of you who have been there for the long haul. (btw, this is post 445.)





This blog is the story of a girl who didn't know who she was. I used this blog to vent, to share, to acclaim, to love. I used this blog to figure out the world, and hoped that it would help other people of the world to figure me out. I used this space to create and find myself. I used this blog so much, that it became an unalterable part of me. Some of you literally wouldn't know me if it weren't for this blog, and honestly i wouldn't have it any other way.

So thank you for listening, and allowing me to express myself in a way that broke me out of uncertainty. Thank you for being attached to me even though i'm an invisible person on the internet. Thank you for inspiring me and pushing me to be better. Thank you for being who you are, and for accepting me for who i am.
I literally could not have made it to where i am today if i didn't have you.

I hope you were able to come here and laugh because i was real about my boy drama or my two left feet. I hope you came here and were able to ponder a little bit because i shared a thought with you. I hope i made an impression, however small, on you.




I will continue to be my overly-sharing self on my new blog, but if this is the end of the line for you, i just want you to know that i believe in God and Jesus Christ, and that they head a church today, led by a Prophet that they called. I know that one cannot be completely true to oneself until he or she can express themselves by some means of creation, whatever that may be. I know that families can be together forever. I know marriage can work. I know siblings can be best friends. I know that children are holy creations. I know that hard work is necessary to be happy. I know that serving others is the key to joy, but i also know that joy is a journey rather than an event.

I know that we are all connected.



Thank you for being connected to me. It helped me through life these past 7 years.

Thanks for the memories, homies.


blahgs fo lyfe.
k thanks, bye.

melissa michiale

Former Best Friend

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Marissa,

You've been on my mind lately. a lot.
You and i were attached at the hip for nearly six years. We grew up together. You were practically my sister. Then one day we bumped into each other at a high school theatre production and all we saw were strangers with the same faces as the girls we used to love.

I've been thinking about that interaction lately.
It was forced.
It was fake.
I treated you exactly the same as i would have if you were a person from high school who i had in that one class that one year. You treated me like that, too.
It was obvious that we both wanted the past.
We both wanted to hug and act like nothing had happened, but our jokes were tired. Our lives were so far apart from each other that we didn't know what to say. I couldn't even think of a question to ask you, but i literally knew nothing about you anymore.

I hated it.


But you know what? I'd seen you across the room several times that night. I purposefully avoided you at first, thinking it would be too awkward. Thinking you would brush past me or something. So i left. I walked completely out of the building with Jenae, got in my car, backed out, started driving away. I said quietly, "Marissa was there." Jenae said, "I Know! Did you get to talk to her?" "No."
and then i stopped the car. I froze for a second, staring at the dashboard. Then i pulled into the nearest paring spot, literally jumped out the car and ran back into the building through the drama room and found you in the crowd. Then i marched my way over to you, propelled by adrenaline, and hovered around your group of friends until their was a break in conversation. I tapped on your shoulder to say hi to you.

I wanted you to be surprised, and i wanted it to feel good, and i wanted to tell you everything in my heart, and i was so ready to apologize and sit with you and explain everything and beg forgiveness,


but that weird exchange happened instead. A too-polite sounding voice came out of my genuine-intentions mouth and ruined everything.


we walked away from each other with our separate groups of friends and i drove home in silence.






You know, when your niece Gemma was born i cried because i was so happy for you. I knew what that would mean for your family after everything you've been through together, and i was excited that you would get to feel that new kind of exciting love for a child.
You got to see the Jonas Brothers in concert before they broke up and i giggled like an idiot when i saw your pictures, because i knew you were getting to do something you'd wished for since middle school.
I even watched Michael's creepy cult movie even though i don't do scary/dark stuff, because you were in it and i knew it must have been important to you and that you were proud of it. I thought you were incredible. It made me think of all the times we performed together. You're a passionate actress, and loved feeding off your energy on stage. I wish we would have done the Hellen Keller scene together for Amador senior year.

You sent me a waffle maker as a wedding gift and i cried, which i know sounds weird, but it just let me know that you didn't hate me. It also whisked me back to my living room, after sophomore year of high school when we made waffles and eggs and breakfast things and watched Camp Rock 2 and ripped up my stuffed monkey from an ex-boyfriend like we'd done for you with an old crush the previous summer. I can still picture what we were wearing, and our reactions to the movie, and that by the time you all went home, it was getting hot outside.
Karl asked me who the waffle maker was from and i said, "Dobchinsky Marissa" and he smiled. He's heard so much about you. I wish you could meet him. I wish he could meet you. He's so good, Marissa. He's more than i ever dared to wish for. All those times we talked about things we wanted in a marriage and a home and a husband? He is all of those things. He makes me so happy.


But in all of that happiness, i still feel a hole when i see your name.


I regret very few things about my life, because i feel like even my bad choices helped me see the way i should have been living, and they propelled me to change.

But i regret leaving you.

I regret leaving you behind without marching to your door and spilling my heart on your sidewalk. I regret not making more of an effort to show you that i meant my apologies. I regret going to see "Once" In San Francisco with you literally RIGHT behind me on the bus and not saying a single thing to you because i was embarrassed.

I feel uncomfortable around some of your friends because i never knew them very well, and i don't think they like me. Even beyond that i feel uncomfortable around them because i know they love you, and they know who you are know.

I don't know you now.
But that shouldn't have stopped me from talking to you.

I was talking to Karl about you last night as i was falling asleep.
"we were like twins, and then i blinked and we were complete strangers." i said softly.
"How did it get like that, if you were so close?" He mumbled sleepily
"I don't know. After Disneyland? Time just, stretched us, i guess."


and then i fell asleep, and dreamed about us on the first day of school, rushing to classes and dancing in the car on the way home. Doing the same thing over again the next day and the next day and the next.

I said, "I don't know" when he asked me what happened, but i do know.








Senior year, we were as close as ever. inseparable isn't a word i use lightly. We were everywhere together. When I wasn't with you, people asked me where you were, assuming we should be ride beside each other. I loved that. I loved that people associated you with me and me with you. We were a package deal. People knew us as "Marissa and Melissa".


Toward the end of the year, as the musical was ending, we both started dating boys who were different than the kind we usually went for. Honestly, i don't ACTUALLY know anything about your relationship. I judged it, i made assumptions, and i disapproved because i thought it came with people, if that makes sense. Like you linking with that boy linked you with an entire group of people who i knew didn't like me, and i didn't like them. You choosing that boy felt like you were choosing all of those other people, too. So i felt like you were choosing to be 'anti-melissa' as well.

I did the exact same thing.

I dated a boy who was absolutely toxic for me. Zero good things came out of that relationship, and it poisoned a lot of my other relationships that were actually good, because those people tried to show me what i was doing and i didn't want to believe them, so i cut them off.
The stupidest thing was, The boy I was dating was previously in the group of people who i didn't like, and they didn't like me! I had aligned myself with a category of people i wanted to be nothing like. The same group of people attached to your boyfriend were the people attached to mine. Hypocritically I blamed your relationship for our falling out.

In all actuality i think was both.

Your relationship and mine pushed each other away. Not even because of the actual boyfriends, but because of the lifestyles and the associations.


You were one of those kind people who were just trying to convince me that i wasn't doing what was best for my long-term life. I ignored you. I cut you off. I choked out our relationship bit by bit that last month of school, and when we graduated it was nearly unconscious.


When i broke up with my boyfriend, you were still with yours, and the two boys had very close ties. Too close for my comfort. In my mind, you were now part of that group of people who didn't like me, the group of people who were attached to the boy you dated.

We still saw each other, but mostly because of other people inviting us to the same events. I felt disconnected from you, but i tried not to let it show. I remember our mutually good friend Oscar finally catching a glimpse of it and being shocked, because we'd always been like two peas in a pod.



We stayed friends through the summer and fall, though never fully regaining what we had until Christmas when we went to Disneyland. I was uncomfortable that trip because i'd gained 30 pounds my first semester of college and i felt ugly and fat.
The relationships on that trip, though were perfectly normal. We even shared a bed, haha. It reminded us of the night we'd stayed up until who knows when in the morning plastering Jonas Brothers posters to every available inch of space on your walls and ceiling, and then collapsed exhausted onto your bed and fell asleep next to each other. In the morning your dad came in to wake us up and asked, "you slept int he same bed??" with a weird look on his face. Your mom rolled her eyes and we never let it go. We genuinely laughed at that broken record story for years.



We saw each other a few more times, but then my family life got crazy really quickly and i was very busy with a sister who was very ill pregnant and her 3 young children. and i was working and had church obligations. Most night i was just too burnt out to do anything. I hardly had time for myself, i didn't even think about friends.

Right before i left for school again the spring of 2013, you sent me a message on Facebook. You had assumed some things of me that i thought were unfair, but you also pointed out some truths that were hard for me to hear.

I'd forgotten about you.

but it's not because i didn't love you or want to spend time with you, i had forgotten about everyone. My friends from high school seemed like they were in a completely different world, because i spent all day everyday helping my sister raise her children. Life outside of their schedule was recreation, and i just genuinely didn't have time for that.


My cousin and i were working in a friend's almond orchard one day that summer, and she told me that in Amador, a girl in the room had made a derogatory comment about me, and that you had defended me. "Don't judge her!" you'd said. "You don't know her".
It wasn't until then that i'd realized that it was completely my fault that we stopped being friends. You have always been loyal to me, always supported me, always been there, trying.

I never wanted to make you feel excluded. I never intended to stop talking to you. I had no idea you were feeling alienated. I assumed that you were fine, that we were fine, and that when we saw each other again we'd jump right back on track just like at the beginning of every school year after not seeing each other all summer.

I was wrong. I was so wrong, that it was painful to realize. I was so wrong, that i couldn't make it right again. I was so wrong, i ruined our relationship.

It was no longer about boys, it was no longer about other friends or groups of supposed people who i was judging.

It was about me and you.

It was about you feeling neglected, and me not noticing. It was about me not valuing our friendship that i claimed to cherish, when you were still fighting for it.
You'd been fighting for so long, that you were tired. So you took a break, and realized that i wasn't even trying.





I'd hung us out to dry, and not returned for us until the sun had bleached all the color out of us. We were empty.



We were over.







I saw you a couple time after that, including the exchange i described at the beginning of this. I'd invited you over to make pizza, but never followed through, and then it was time for me to go back to school again. I'd inadvertently shown you, again, that i didn't actually care abut you as much as i said i did.
You told me you felt like one of those people who i acted nice to but didn't actually like.

I denied that fiercely,
but,
you were right.
I had treated you that way.







I know that we will never have what we once did, but i wish i could let time and space be the only reason we fell apart.
I hate that it was my fault.
I hate that i didn't try harder.



I just want you to know that i never thought of you in any other regard than that of my best. friend. I never doubted your regard for me, and i never talked poorly about you behind your back. There would have been nothing poor to say. You are incredible, and have always been incredible. I never wanted you out of my life. I never intentionally pushed you out, but when your grip loosened, i didn't pull you back and i'm sorry.

If i had the money i would literally be on a plane right now, hoping to tell you all of this in person.
I wish i could see you again.
I wish we could laugh again.
I wish we could be friends again.


I never, even in my worst nightmares, thought i would be living a life without you in it. Even in my nightmares, you were with me.



We're just both so different now, we can never go back to the way it was.



I just wonder if we can start over?

like literally, just start completely clean.
I'm writing you a letter. Your home address is the only one i have for you, and the only means of communication i have for you that i know would get through to you. I don't have your number, I've tried messaging you on facebook, i feel insincere on instagram, so i'm writing all this out and mailing it to you in the post.





Marissa, can we start over?
I don't want you to be just a face in my photo albums. When my husband, and my children flip through photos of us, i want them to smile because they know who you are.

I don't know if it could ever be that way.
I don't know if i've permanently ruined us.
I know i've ruined the old us, the children us, the two girls who grew up hand in hand, but i hope the bridge isn't completely burnt.


You were a part of me that i was proud of, and i don't want to forever loose you.




Can we start over?





Hello?
My name is Melissa Michiale Horlacher.
I am 21.
I am married.
I live in Utah.
I am working part time and taking 3 online classes, the completion of which will mark my graduation from BYU-Idaho.
My hair is short now. above the shoulders.

If you don't hate me, please write back. Or call me, my number is still the same as it was in 2008. I'll put it in the hand-written letter, but not here on the internet.

I don't know which you'll see first.
either way, Know that i loved us, and a part of my heart still loves a part of yours, but it would love to love the whole thing again.

I don't necessarily deserve a second chance from you, but i'm asking for one.


Yours truly,
Melissa Michiale.

______________________________________

Karl and Melissa: A Love Story

To tell the complete story of how I fell in love would take an entire novel or two. Maybe one day that will actually happen. For now, we’ll settle for a blog post.

To my regular readers, I apologize for being absent lately. Honestly, the past two months I’ve spent most of my free time talking with my dear boy.

On with the story.

Well, the extremely summarized version of the story. 

Karl and I met in my Golden Summer In 2014 when I worked with my brother Derek at BYU Sports Camps. Karl and I lived in the same apartment complex. 

His eyes were the best kind of blue I’d ever seen, and they caught my attention. 

Slowly over the summer we became friends and did things together. We exchanged cute flirty notes and ate countless Otter Pops on cool, breezy, Sunday evenings. We laughed about sandwiches and ‘buff babies’ and I probed him about ASL and Texas. He was kind and funny and handsome. I was eager and awkward and blatantly obvious when it came to giving hints at my affection. We climbed a mountain together in Mid-July, and as we sat at the top, staring at the sunset, I knew I wanted to end up with someone like him. A boy with quiet confidence and a good heart. A Boy who loved the Gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I do. A boy who stuck to his word. He had impressed me through and through, that Karl Horlacher. 

At the end of the summer, he asked me out on our first date! 

He picked activities from my ‘Provo Bucket List’ and we spent the entire night talking and laughing as if we were old friends. It was so easy to be myself around him. 

I was struck by how natural it felt to be walking around Provo with him. I felt like he was seeing a side of me that I usually keep reserved for closest friends. It seemed like he was opening up parts of his mind that he usually kept tucked away. I felt drawn to him. He seemed interested, and I made it clear that I was interested. But we both knew that I was leaving very soon, so nothing substantial happened. 

Through the fall and winter we saw each other a few times, and each meeting was met with sincere hugs and laughter. I genuinely appreciated this boy’s heart, and I knew he appreciated mine. In late March, I was going to be visiting Provo for a job interview. I knew that I wanted to see Karl. I hoped that if I saw him that weekend, it would ‘plant a seed’ so to speak. Haha. 

I know, I’m sneaky. But I was fairly certain that I wanted to date him in the summer, so I wanted to have another positive experience with him before I went home for spring semester. So I asked him out on a date, and he cheerfully accepted. 

We went to a museum, got ice cream, and watched a movie together that we’d been trying to watch together since last summer. (“Barfi!”. It’s a Bollywood movie about a deaf man, and it’s incredible, in case you were wondering. One of my very favorites.) 

We walked to all of these places, and we had plenty of time to talk. That night, he completely surprised me by kissing me for the first time. 

He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me. 

 

– and this is where the story is going to start sounding crazy to some people - 

We spent the rest of the weekend together, catching up and figuring things out. He came up to Rexburg the next weekend to visit me at Easter. And under my dear Rexburg sky, splattered with stars, he told me that he loved me. It was the first night he was there, which again, completely surprised me. I prayed my guts out that night, and the next seven nights after that. I was certain that my feelings for him were as strong as his were for me, but I’d never said those words out loud. To a boy. In a romantic way. And I was terrified that if I said it, he would take it back or change his mind and I would look foolish. But Sunday morning, we watched the Easter sun rise over a wheat field on a hill in front of the Rexburg temple. He held my hand as we read from the New Testament about the Resurrection. I looked up at him, and I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. 

 I loved him. 

I knew he was the one. 

It terrified me, but I couldn’t deny what I plainly knew was true. So that night, just before he left back for Provo, I told him that I loved him. He said, “YEEESSSSS!!!” and I felt insanely relieved. The next weekend, we spent together in Provo. One night, I spent hours telling him my entire life story. He listened respectfully, even when I cried through some hard parts. He rubbed my back and told me how strong he thought I was. 

I knew I didn’t want to go any farther forward in my life without him with me, and I knew I wanted him with me until I couldn't count the days anymore. I told him all of that. He echoed my feelings. And we knew that this relationship, though brand new, was something rare and special.

The next 6 weeks were Skype calls and novel-length text messages. He skyped me every night to pray and read the scriptures together. On the weekends we talked for hours. I felt my heart stitching closer and closer to this dear boy. 

Karl drove out from Utah for my Brother Derek’s wedding on May 15. When I saw Karl for the first time in the hotel, I ran to him and he scooped me up into the happiest hug of my life. 

He kissed me right there in front of my whole family. We spent the whole weekend together again, and by then, all my family could see how serious we were about each other, and how real this was. Karl loved my family, and I loved him for wanting to be a part of it. 

This past Thursday, the 21 of May, I flew to SLC, for Derek’s Utah reception, but I spent all of my extra time with Karl. At Derek’s reception, Karl walked and talked with my father. Karl told him that He loved me very much and asked for his permission to marry me. My Daddy told Karl that he had his permission, his blessing, his everything. He sees that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and that we have potential to make something great of our life together. 

After the reception, on the night of May 23, we went back to Karl’s apartment. 

We were talking on the couch. Being mushy, talking about the future and how real it was all becoming. 

We talked about getting engaged this summer. 

He knows that I don’t want a big giant proposal, so he was asking me more about what I wanted. In a round-about way, so that I could still be surprised. I reminded him that I wanted it to be simple and private, and that I didn't want him to spend a bunch of money planning an elaborate scheme. I just wanted him to look me in the eyes and be sincere, and that’s all that mattered to me. He agreed with all of that. We kept talking. His brother called on the phone and we chatted for a bit. Then, after the phone call, we were alone in the living room, being mushy again. 

He said, “You really don’t want some big crazy surprise?” I said, “No, I really don’t, it’s totally fine.” He said, “okay!”

And then he reached into his pocket. 

And it clicked that he was proposing to me right now. 

He was proposing to me right now. 

I exclaimed, “wait, what?!”

He was beaming as he got on one knee and opened a gorgeous wooden box. His eyes hit mine to the core. His blue on my brown. 

His were misty as he asked, “Melissa, will you marry me?”

I laughed, “YES! A thousand times, yes!” and kissed him. 

He gently slipped his grandmother’s ring onto my left ring finger and then swept me up into a giant squeezy hug that said more than words could have even hinted at.

 I was laughing in sheer joy. I couldn’t stop smiling, which made it hard to kiss him, but kiss him I did! We were both giddy and hugging and staring at the ring and then giggling and then kissing and I couldn’t even cry, I was too caught up in pure bliss. 

Then he got on his knee again and asked me in American Sign Language. I answered back in ASL with the same exact reply as before. A new round of hugs and kisses. New laughs and smiles. I couldn’t stop staring at him. 

Everything was perfect. 

It was a complete surprise, and exactly what I wanted. He was so proud.

Private, simple, and sincere. Our eyes and hearts and souls all connected to make the most important decision of our lives. 

I was even wearing my favorite Koala Sweater! hahaha.

My dear Karl and I will be sealed for our Time on earth, and for all Eternity after that, on September 19 in a temple of God. That’s when our real journey together begins. 

I am so thrilled. I feel so loved. This boy is literally better than I ever dared to dream for. I am proud to be his forever. I am proud to have him as mine forever. We’re a good team. I can’t wait to start our life together in a Holy Union. 

He is worth every sacrifice and struggle I've faced in order to get to this point. He is worth the wait in so many meanings. 

I have been through so. Much. To get where I am now mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It has been at times, a battle. There were times when I lost hope. 

But in Karl I have found every joy I dreamed of when days were dark. And in this boy I see all the goodness I knew was possible in a man of God. Karl is the cumulative representation of the redemption and the mercy I've received throughout my life. A witness of how far I've come and what I've made of my life. He is the bright shining hope of my future, and in him I see the companion who is perfect for me. The partner I need to help me make it back to my Heavenly Father. 

For the rest of our lives, Karl and I will climb together. 

I could not be more happy or proud of that.

Thank for your love and support along the way, friends. I could not have made it here without you!
And as i have always promised, My engagement to the man of my dreams was announced first here on my blog before any other social media! because i love you all so much!

Pen Pals

Have you ever met someone and felt like they belonged in your life ages ago? I met several people in 2014 who gave me that feeling, and dear dear Rachel O was one of them. This darling girl just makes my heart happy.

She feels how the month of May looks. 

We met at Sports Camps and i immediately loved her. we became pals, and then she took a week off and i was sad. but she came back, and we had hours and hours of uplifting and connecting conversations. under pine trees behind the IPF, at lunch tables, at check ins, and late into the night in her room when we counseled on the same floor the last week of camp.

It seems like we talked about millions of things. Maybe not, but we did completely open up to each other and our conversations were the kinds that just plain knit people together. 

On the last day of Sports Camps, i packed up my things and started walking home to Cinnamon Tree, trying not to cry. Rachel pulled up in her truck and offered me a ride. i could have kissed her feet, i swear.
On the ride home, somehow we established that we would be pen pals and a states-apart book club. haha.

I think i will be grateful for that spontaneous car ride for the rest of my life, because in it i have gained a true forever friend. her letters fill me up and carry me. I hold her opinions and advice not only in the highest esteem, but dually in my heart. 

This past weekend she came to visit two of her siblings in Rexburg, and made time to see me. I WAS SO HAPPY. Sinceriously, talking to her felt like the most natural thing in the whole world. I just felt incredibly lucky to have a friend who genuinely cares so much about me and in whom i have so much confidence. One day when i see her again, i'll remember to take a decent picture together. We're both pretty stinking good looking if i do say so myself. 

until then, here is this mediocre photo:

Rachel is impressive and kind and has a magnetic personality. I adore her, and appreciate her friendship more than i can say. Her visit was the perfect ending to February, and one of the freshest breaths of air I've ever felt. We were only together for a few hours, but i felt recharged. She gets me. I love that. I value her. 

Thank you for visiting, Rachel. You're such a good human! Thank you for seeing the worth in me!

February Whirlwind

 I forgot this photo from the Valentine's Day dinner:

Orange Hi-C because Rexburg McDonalds doesn't have Blue Powerade. sin. 

also this one, because it was from Sophia's phone, but GOLLY do we look good. 

I love this girl.

shout out  to her for making me juice and bringing me donuts after work.

saints, mah roomies. 

remember my FHE boys from last semester? maybe not. but i still love them, and still spend time with them. they make me smile. 

the other weekend, 4/6 of them were gone, so Sophia, some other friends, and I, joined the remaining boys to recreate a typical morning in Bunkhouse #16 and then we sent the panorama to the missing roommates with the teasing caption, "you're so replaceable." 

I'm on the couch in front of the window as Cameron.

the next day when his roommates returned, Trevor texted me this completely candid photo.

tell me we didn't perfectly pose as them. 

try and tell me. 

Speaking of Trevor Sweat, he wrestles on a club team here and we went to go watch him the other day. wrestling makes me queasy - so many almost broken necks! but i went because i stinking love the guy. We made him signs, and screamed when he totally thrashed his opponent. he blushed. he's kind of shy, so we definitely embarrassed him. aka mission accomplished. 

One night Stephanie and her boyfriend had a really happy day, and we all laugh-cried until 3 am because we were so happy and relieved and excited and grateful. 

#TeamConnor 

I genuinely love him like he's my own family. Steph, if you're reading this, i know me talking about your future might be feel weird since you're not engaged (yet, muhaha), but you and Connor must name one of your very future children after me, the end. 

Speaking of Stephanie, we're both teaching preschool right now, and i'm grateful for it. grateful to have someone who knows exactly how hard i work and what i think about and what i go through, etc. love this girl so much. 

several times, i've experimented with sensory materials at home before i try it out at preschool. Other times i bring home things that were a hit at preschool so that i can keep them. No, i'm not keeping the preschool's materials. i'm not a dang thief. these are things that i've made for my students that went well, so i'm keeping them to use again. the ones that don't go well i toss.

a thing that went extremely well:

SLIME.

the children LOVED it. and so did we! :)

and speaking of preschool:

***

I LOVE IT SO MUCH. 

I LOVE IT SO STINKING MUCH. 

It makes me happy. because every day, i feel more prepared to teach children of my own. I can't wait to be a mother. I can't believe that i could be trusted to raise such pure little souls, but i can't wait. 

this is me with our pet tarantula, Webby

We had a week on creatures. I taught about worms one day (AWESOME. real worms. lots of them.), and the other 2 days were about Geckos and spiders respectively. always real animals. 

the kids LOVE webby. she's in our classroom every other week. i enjoy it.

I obviously won't say any names of details, but some of the children i teach have hard lives. It just breaks my heart some days, to see them come in so visibly trodden down. It's difficult for me not to get emotional when they are so obviously just in need of love. I try to give 150% of myself for them. I can't fix their broken homes, i can't stop the bad things in their lives, but i can be a good thing in them. I can be a stable relationship, a loving relationship, i can be a person who listens to them and holds them and looks them in the eye with care and respect. I can be someone who stands up for them and protects them and helps them learn and grow. 

That makes me feel so good. 

I love teaching. 

i love children. 

I love this part of me. this mothering, nurturing part of me. 

It's crazy. 

obviously, this is nowhere near motherhood, but the way i love these children is unreal. I honestly didn't know it was possible to love another human being as much as i honestly cherish and adore these kids. I work hard for them. i pray to know what they need and how i can teach them and help them and love them. 

It's exhausting. 

But the most rewarding thing I've ever done. 

and if i love these children this much, i literally can't understand how much i will love my own babies some day. I can't fathom loving anyone more than these kids.

But every day, when their parents come to pick them up, the way they light up makes my heart long for a dear little one to look at me that way. 

no matter how much i love them during the few hours they're with me a day, they're not mine. 

they will never be mine. 

and when they see their mom or dad standing at the cubbies, it's a true, deep love. It's a look that makes you believe that families should be forever. because how in the world could a loving God break the bond that is so plain and beloved in the eyes of a reunited mother and child? 

I want to be a mother so badly. 

I can't wait.

***

__________________

Hi my sister Katrina, you're about to have a baby. literally any day now. and i am thrilled for you. you are so brave and strong!

you're such an incredible mother! I love you!

__________________

I decided that taking pictures of my current cuts and bruises is a great way to tell stories that i would have otherwise forgotten about.

this pretty much healed knee was coooooovered in cuts and bruises from a soccer fall a week or so ago. 

PSA:

CROCS (that are 3 years old and have zero traction left) ARE NOT GOOD SHOES FOR PLAYING SOCCER IN. YOU'LL PROLLY FALL AND YOUR KNEE WILL BE GRAPEFRUIT-SIZED FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

and you'll rip a hole in your roommate's super warm nice sweats, which bites. 

but you might get a cool heart-monitor looking patch of tiny scars out of it. 

so that's cool. 

more soccer bruises. 

oh yeah, hey mom, i play soccer. 

well, correction:

I play crappy goalie, and my friends are really good at defense, so i don't really ever have to worry. i also sometimes am forced to like, actually run and stuff as a halfback. I'm seriously awful, but it's actually pretty fun just to be silly with my friends in 2 degree weather.

Two in one!

A) the scab on my thumb is from belaying during a rock-climbing date.

B) the burn is from my curling iron the night of the McDonald's dinner. it burnt me in 3 places on my thumb, as well as one on my pointer finger and wrist as it fell.

we rearranged our living room the other day. it was in great need of  a face-lift. but we couldn't move the one million pound entertainment center, so i called Trevor Sweat, "Hey, Melissa, what's up" and then i heard his roommate blake talking int he background, so i knew they were both home. I said, "Hi, can you come help us move some furniture super quick?" "of course! we'll be right there."

but a second later, we saw 6 sets of legs walking in front of our window. all 6 of them had made the trek across the parking lot to help us. they did all the work in about 2 minutes, which probably would have taken us 20. and I was grateful for their help, but even more so, i was just thankful for them in general. This was the perfect example of their general love and hospitality.

Stephanie went home on Valentine's day weekend, and came back with crocs. #converted

a few months ago i put a picture of this same chapstick on my blog, explaining that i like it because i can see the balm lessening as i use it. it's like a battery icon or a power level bar. i don't know. i just relaly like it. and it's almost gone now, so i had to document it. I feel like i've accomplished the impossible by not losing a chapstick before i finish it, haha. 

Hiding

I AIN'T HIDING

IIIIIIIIIII

AIN'T HIIIIIIIIIIDING NO MOOOOOORE 

NO MOOOORE

you guys, i chopped my hair off and it feels great. it's really not that short, but it was a whole foot of hair! and i feel like this is...i don't know.... symbolic of something. 

also i'm just really happy in general. Totally not boy-induced. But i definitely think that when i'm happy and confident on my own, it makes me.....happy and confident...and i am bold. 

hahahaha. 

more news on that later. 

also, I love pizza. and origami, and painting. and laughing. 

and i'm getting contacts and who cares about my ear and i feel good. just plain good. blessed, is what it really is. I am happy.

a midnight heart

Despite being crazy and stretching me to my wit's (and heart's)end, everything is just making a whole lot of sense these days.
I have so much in my head and in my heart but when i try it out in words, it doesn't nearly convey what i want to shout out at the top of my lungs.

Miracles.
Miracles have been happening to me. maybe one day i'll tell you about my heart, and how much it longed for someone so behind glass. But through much prayer, a miracle was wrought, and my feelings for that person have turned into a sweet brotherly love that i am sincerely grateful for. And maybe one day i'll explain how horribly my ear has been bothering me, and how scared I've been to lose a sense. I have a feeling that the story of the miracle that calmed me is still too dear to my soul to tell for a while yet, but just know, my friends, that God hears your prayers.

I feel, so fervently, His love this week.

and i know, so deeply, that this is all true. it is all so true.

Do you feel it? Do you feel that fire when you read the words of Prophets?

God bless my sweet brothers who love me so much. and God bless my dear sisters who have sacrificed so much and are living such honorable lives with their devoted husbands.

things are far far far from perfect, but even so, they feel so perfectly in place.

Above all else, currently i am just grateful to live this little life of mine.

2014: A Year in Review

2013: The year I was pushed to my limits and tumbled

2014: The Year I was pushed to new limits, but chose to climb.

The year that everything clicked. The year I strove to be great, the year I was just plain happy. The year I literally saw God’s hand in every step of my plans – mostly because he was constantly correcting them. 

The year I loved and was loved more than I’ve ever felt.

The year I learned who I was and how strong I can be.

The best year.

 __________________________________

As i have done the past few years, here is my way too long year in review. 

___________________________________

January:

At home. Floundering. Still recovering from 2013, its confusion and addiction and depression and loneliness and uncertainty.

I was doing paperwork to become a Substitute Para Professional Aide, and it was taking forever which was mostly my fault. I stupidly waited as long as possible to do things because as much as I hated being at home doing nothing all day and being treated like a kid because I lived at home, I apparently didn’t hate it enough to do anything about it. yet. I was still reveling in the novelty of nothingness. I had chores to do, but other than that I had no expectations to fill. Aka I was the laziest human on earth. 

Every day I’d wake up between 10 and 12, read my scriptures and a conference talk. Then I’d “work out” (read: stretch and occasionally do ten minutes of aerobic-y things)

Then if I needed to take a shower, I would. I’d change into different clothes and clean the kitchen and maybe sweep the living room or another small chore.

I visited my Sister and her family in LA for my nephew’s baby blessing, and I went to some Young Single Adult activities and went out with the sister missionaries quite often. Other than that I was a sloth through and through and it was disgusting.

My only redeeming qualities during January were that I made dinner pretty often and I would drive Jenae places so my mom didn’t have to.

And in other news, my crush on a sweet boy named Ryan was blooming quite quickly.

song of the month: 

White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes

February:

I painted a lot. And read a lot. I figured I should be at least using my talents. So my usual routine now included painting, playing the piano, singing at the top of my lungs, writing ridiculously long journal entries, and reading novels in obscenely short periods of time. I finished a journal.

I went out with the sister missionaries a lot more, but I was just looking forward to going back to school in April. I got a letter from Boyd Kenneth Packer and felt way more important than necessary, but honestly, that letter was a big deal for me. I had painted a portrait of him and sent it to him, and he wrote me back! It was simple but sweet and personal and encouraging.. and It was just the boost that I needed to shut the door on whatever funk was still lingering. I started watching a classic Disney movie a day. Haha. I wanted to see the old ones I hadn’t watched in a while.

And then, out of nowhere, came the feeling:

Stay home this semester.

I brushed it aside. No big deal. I attributed it to me wanting to be lazy for a longer period of time, and I said, “heck no, satan! You’re not taking any more of my time! I’m gonna be productive and go back to school when I’m supposed to! Booyah!”
but there it was again! Subtly as I drove home from the temple, calmly as I read the scriptures, sitting at my little white desk in front of my window looking at the cool overcast sky:

Stay home this semester.

Finally, I decided to pray about it, because it had been on my mind but I’d been pushing it out because I so wanted to be back in Rexburg with my friends, learning. Even though I was now doing many positive productive things, I still felt like I was being lazy just because I wasn’t doing anything incredibly long term like taking classes. I felt stagnant, and I hated it. I wanted to be back in school.
but once morning after I read, I knelt and asked.
nothin’.
which surprised me, because I’d had so many thoughts about it.

So I went about my normal day, and by the time I was getting ready to say my prayer before I went to sleep, I already knew what the answer was. I felt it sliding around my brain, but I had to be sure so I asked anyway.

“I really really really want to go back to school. You know that. But is that what YOU want for me right now?”

And I felt the answer in every part of my heart:

Stay home from school this semester.

And I cried myself to sleep.

For a lot of reasons. How would I tell my parents? They’d think it was just because I liked a boy, which had absolutely nothing to do with it. Why was I assigned to the Fall Spring track at BYUI if I wasn’t supposed to go back for this spring semester? (answer: so you could meet Jaylene and Mark and Rachel and Chris etc. so you could fall In love with sunsets and be there in the winter of 2014 to help Allison and her family. So you go to Nauvoo. A million reasons.) Would my roommates be mad? I WANT TO BE IN REXBURG SO MUCH MORE THAN I WANT TO BE IN MADERA RIGHT NOW. Etc etc etc so many confused tears.
but I had felt the answer and I couldn’t deny that. So I accepted it.

I didn’t tell my mom for two weeks, but I accepted it. when I finally did tell my mom, golly was that a conversation. Haha.

“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014” counter:

1 – staying home in the spring

But then, the fact that I was staying home until the fall (or so I thought) gave me the motivation to do a lot of things. Finish the paper work for Para stuff. Be the stage manager for the Madera South spring musical. Let my feelings for a dear boy with addictive eyes show plainly instead of telling myself that I was dumb for liking someone when I was only to be home a few months.
I started working as a stage manager and immediately loved it. I miss theatre. I started dating that boy and immediately fell for it. He was a barrel of fun.

February was a full month.

song of the month:
"Odds Are" by the Barenaked Ladies

March:

I just let myself be unabashedly happy, and I don’t regret it. I made deep connections with people here, including the sister missionaries, one of whom was Stephanie, my future roommate. I was still dating that boy, and he made me pretty happy. I celebrated Jenae’s birthday with the usual pomp. I got glasses and found out how horrid my back is, haha. Two of my sisters visited with their adorable children. I was still stage manager. Going out with the missionaries all the time and learning a lot about myself. I was happy.
And then on a whim I decided to go through with my inclination and Derek’s prodding to apply to be a Sports Camps counselor.

On a weekday morning I had an over the phone interview with the Head counselors and it was weird taking Derek to as my brother, but as my potential boss, haha. I went outside to get better reception. And I ended up walking up and down the driveway for the phone call kicking rocks to calm my nerves. It was a standard interview until the last question, and as I was answering, I felt like someone had just poured warm water over my head and it was running down over me. Looking back, I imagine a great big clock or some kind of old mechanism with lots of cogs and wheels. That thing is my life. And as I was answering my final question, I felt a giant cog click into place and the machine- my life- start whirring.

We exchanged pleasantries and ended the phone call. I hung up and sat down on my driveway. I stared at my mailbox and physically felt different. Better. And that afternoon I found “The Bleachers” and fell head over heels for the song, “I wanna get better”.

Little did I know it would become my anthem. The mantra of 2014

April:

I saw Wicked for the first time. Jenae and I were way too dressed up, but who cares? I changed a bunch of names in my phone to reflect Star Wars characters: Dad Vader, Queen Momadalla, Ryhan solo, Deruke Skywalker, Darth Mal, Jonafett Bounty Hunter, Mark2-D2. You get the picture. It was awesome. Jonathan came home from school! And I didn’t go back, but I took one infant development class online.. I FINALLY started work as a para professional. I loved it, even though I had no idea what I was doing. The musical I managed had its run, and it was fantastic. We celebrated Easter bunny day and I helped at a friend’s wedding. On Easter morning that good boy and I broke up, but it was for the better and we’re still friends.  The next weekend I climbed a literal and emotional mountain. Read that story here.

It was confirmed I would be a sports camp counselor for 7 weeks in the summer.

“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014” counter:

2 – deciding to leave home to work at Sports Camps

May:

I foolishly stopped going to activities besides church because I didn’t want that boy to be uncomfortable. I should have continued going, though, because I cut myself off from things way too early. I started embroidering. As a hobby. Thanks grandmom, haha. I loved my job. I loved helping students feel better about reading and school, and realize their potential. I was a counselor at my home Stake’s Youth Conference and got a small taste of my summer. I spent Memorial Day with my sister and her family in LA and they healed me of the weird blues I’d been feeling. Sister Blackham went home, and in the emotions of the moment I said, “let’s please be roommates in Rexburg this fall.” And she agreed. 

June:

I finished the school year in my long-term sub position at the end of the school year and was surprisingly emotional when it was time to leave. I’m so grateful for the skills and things I learned during that job. We celebrated Father’s day and I saw “Once” in San Fransisco the day before I hugged my mom in the cool morning air on Gina’s driveway and left for Sports Camps.

And really, that’s when everything took off.

The entire previous 6 months were in preparation for this.

My brother in Law drove me to Provo the morning of June 19^th and I was absolutely terrified. I met Derek at the apart complex and he let me stash my stuff in his living room because I couldn’t check into my apartment and then he had to get back to work, head counselor and all. So he wished me luck and I looked up “BYU Smoot Administration Building” on google Maps because I didn’t know how to get there. Haha.
an hour later, I walked into the Marriott Center, Derek tossed me a counselor shirt, and ushered me to Rachel who told me some basic things to know but I heard zero percent of it because I was focusing so hard on not shaking like a leaf. But I did feel her escorting me toward a table full of other counselors. One of whom I recognized from a TV documentary on BYU tv, no big deal. Then I heard, “you know Dylan, right? We’ll sit you next to him for this morning. You’ll get the hang of it after the first couple of kids come through.” I had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn’t heard any of her instructions, but I heard, “Hey! How’s it going, homie!” I turned and saw Dylan, and literally sighed in relief at a face that wasn’t completely foreign. I don’t remember anything he said to me either, except that he asked me if I wanted to Marry Janet’s little brother Scott. Bless Dylan for taking me under his wing that week. A very big brother-ly thing to do. It reminded me of Landon and Anthony and Justin, so I was comfortable and it allowed me to be at ease with my girls, who were wonderful.

July:

This month.

Man, July. It was literally, truly, and completely perfect.

Oh, it was hard. Terribly hard. It stretched me in every way I could think of, and some ways that were totally new. 

My niece got baptized. My boss became one of my best friends. I met a Mormon celebrity (kind of). I danced like an idiot. Twice a week. I fell head over heels for my campers. Minus the week of she-devils that made me cry every night.  My roommate Leah at Cinnamon Tree was a homie. I didn’t actually get to go to Six Peaks, like ever, because it always sprinkled. I spent lots of nights with Derek, Dylan, Rachel, Shanna, and Phillipa. I made a bunch of friends in my ward. Including Karl, who is the coolest cat ever. He randomly hiked the Y with me and my roommate on pioneer day, just because we asked him to. Aka he’s great. I painted. I loved and laughed and generally had a smile on my face all day every day. I finished a journal.

And here’s something:

I felt overwhelmingly that I should apply to BYU for the winter semester. Transfer schools??? Whaaa????
but that’s what I felt, so that’s what I prepared for. I got a winter contract at my complex, I scheduled for fall semester classes in such a way that complemented my decision, and you can read more about that whole process here.
I loved BYU-Idaho but I knew I was supposed to apply to BYU, and that was a GIGANTIC change for me.

“Times in 2014 that I made a plan and God gave me a better one” counter:

3 – Applying to BYU for Winter Semester

August:

I threw Derek a surprise Pokemon themed birthday ‘party’. I whistled a whooooole lot, and taught other people to whistle. I tried to live every last minute to its fullest potential my last week of sports camps with the best group of girls all summer, and then cried and cried and cried when it was all over. But I gained a pen pal! Rachel O, the sweetest human to walk the earth. 

when I was home, I swam in the ocean for the first time in yeeeears. I was the assistant librarian at my old high School and LOVED it. I felt important and needed, but not as much as at Sports Camps. I loved feeling like a grown up, wearing nice clothes to work every day and being a part of the staff meetings. I loved knowing all about the books people would ask for, and honestly, I was just really good at being a librarian. Haha. I loved taking a book from a jam-packed shelf and watching all the ones around it breathe out to fill in the empty space. I love the smell of the old books we discarded. I loved turning on duke Ellington once school got out, and the feeling of accomplishment that came when I locked up every day. When my sub position at the library was over, I tried really hard not to be sad, because I missed my provo life and I no longer felt important.

September:

I took Jenae’s senior pictures. Weird. For a week, I was a substitute paraprofessional Aide at an elementary school, and then it was back to Idaho! But we stopped in provo for a football game first J. I was ecstatic to FinALLY be back in Rexburg, after nine months, and to see all my Rexburg friends again and to feel the sweet spirit at BYU-Idaho. But I was sad. Because I was stressed. And lonely, even though I had five incredible roommates and really good FHE brothers. I had a variation of foot and mouth disease, which was fun. And my ear problems spiked, which I don’t talk about on my blog but very soon they will probably get their own post.
I painted a lot. And experimented. Derek officially started dating Raycelan, and I was very happy for him, but also kind of jealous that I was no longer the main girl in his life, which I know might sound weird, but my brother is my best friend, and we were practically attached at the hip all summer, so it was just a big adjustment. But I’d known Raycelan all summer, and I knew she was a great girl, so I trusted the match.  

October:

I came out of my funk, due in large part to my Family reunion in St. George. Derek brought Raycelan and all my fears were completely calmed once I saw them together. the cutest. I loved seeing my family, and being a together again. I love us.
my apartment became good friends with our FHE boys, we were a fun grouping. Whenever I was stressed, I escaped to Jaylene and Mallorie’s house to get a back scratch and take a nap on Mallorie’s super comfy bed.

And then came the whammy: Melissa, you didn’t get into BYU. You can read all about that here. Long story short, I was shocked and surprised and confused. And then fine.

“Times in 2014 when I made a plan and God gave me a better one” counter:

4 – Didn’t get into BYU even though I was definitely supposed to apply.

I tried to focus on little happy things. It worked. Jaylene, Mallorie, and I took a quick trip to Provo on Halloween.

November:

I genuinely loved my roommates, and it snowed. I was happy. my classes were incredible, I’d finally found my major, and was completely okay with staying at BYU-Idaho. I adored by purple croc moon boots. I ate MANY purple potatoes. I finished a journal. We went to the midnight showing of MockingJay part one and I snuck in Oreos and milk. I missed Thanksgiving dinner and cried because I felt so bad, but then ate with some acquaintances. I babysat Evelyn and got see Rachel, my boss :)

December:

I braided Stephanie’s hair 123512365432 times. Mark’s father died and it was hard because I felt helpless. We finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone. I painted. I went insane from sleep deprivation and stress. Donny graduated from College and moved back to the California Central valley. I said goodbye to Jaylene for nine months, because she’s going to Russia to teach English. And goodbye to Mal for 4 months because she’s staying home in Fresno for winter semester. I came home and had an incredible Christmas with my family, and now, on it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m typing this from my sister Rebecca’s beautiful home in Salem, Utah, where it is 14 degrees outside and there are 8 inches of snow on the ground. Unreal.

2014 was unforgettable, and there’s really nothing more I can say about it other than that. I felt just about every emotion possible this year. I changed. SO MUCH. And I and thrilled for a brand new year. I wonder what it will bring for little old me.

We’ll see, I guess. 





I wish many Happy Returns to you and yours this New Year.




love, melissa michiale










past years in review:

2013
2012 
2011