Landon Guglielmana

This post might offend someone but I've been thinking about it a lot. And i'm not trying to be rude. i want to pay my respects for a cherished friend in my own way. just like many people from my hometown have been doing for five years. this way is just my own, and it's maybe an unpopular view. also, i don't know how Derek feels about me writing about Landon. Derek has never made a public comment or post or announcement or whatever you want to call it, about Landon's death, on the internet. Generally I've felt that if it was too personal for his best friend to post about, i definitely shouldn't. seeing as how i was no where near 'best friend'. But like i said, I've been thinking about this a lot. and it's been five years. and it's not like i never mention Landon. I've just never talked about him on the anniversary of the day he died. Hi Derek, I love you, hope you don't hate me writing this.
These are my kept-in-for-five-years scattered thoughts on the subject of Landon:





Is it morbid that i think about dying all the time?

I don't think it's morbid. it's perfectly normal to think about. and it's perfectly normal not to as well.

my mom always says that we're lucky. because now-a-days people don't have to deal with death like during world wars or epidemics.

but some people still die.
some people still die by accident. they didn't mean to. they didn't expect it.

and that's the kind i think about.

a lot.

it doesn't scare me. death. but it does make me sad, thinking about what i'd miss. or who.
i guess i just wonder about it.

Derek's best friend Landon died five years ago now.
And i promise i am not trying to sound conceited or better than anyone. He was Derek's best friend, not mine. i'm not claiming to have known him super well. I knew him. And I spent plenty of time around him, but i only knew him as well as any little sister really knows their older brother's best friend. it's not like we made matching bracelets or anything. but i did look up to him. and still do. but for different reasons than most people might assume.
Every year, on the day he died, a lot of people make a huge deal of it on facebook. and most of them i completely understand: his family members and close friends. because they are sincere. I'm not saying that other people aren't sincere. i believe that they loved him and miss him. but it makes me uncomfortable when people act like people who have died were perfect. or that they should be held to a higher standard and looked to for inspiration. I don't like that when a person dies, people seem to only remember great things about them. because even if that person did do great things, that's not the whole truth.

the truth is that people are imperfect.

Landon was wonderful. he did SO many good things. and because of it, he had a cheery disposition and a contagious smile. i know. i saw it. i felt it. he was magnetic.
But Landon also had a temper. I've seen him punch gym floors and kick sideline benches. and sometimes he was cocky. and mule stubborn. But as crazy as it sounds, i think those things are important to remember, too.

not in a judgmental way. not to discount the great things he did. but just to acknowledge that he was, concretely, human.
to me, it's the fact that he's flawed that makes me appreciate his service and goodness. Knowing that he wasn't perfect makes his efforts to be better even more impressive.



_________________________________________

when i die, please remember that i was lazy, and often selfish, and sometimes judgmental and arrogant. remember that i struggled. if i ever hear someone say i was perfect, i will be sick. do not raise me up and treat me as some untouchably good person.

i'm not.

remember that i'm an erring human.
but also remember that i'm trying to be better all the time. remember both halves of me. because those two halves together are the only real me.

_________________________________________



Landon is great because he was fallible, but he tried anyway. he was imperfect, but he did his best. He was an excellent big brother and an incredibly loyal friend. he was a brilliant student and a skilled leader, and a whole other giant list of remarkable characteristics.
and all of that, including the not-so-shiny- things, are what make him Landon. and that's the boy i treasure. the imperfect one. the one who as a 16 year old rolled his eyes judgingly at someone he barely knew, but as an 18 year old on crutches after a volleyball injury, stopped to help the same person pick up spilled books with a respectful smile.
The young boy who laughed at a vulgar joke, but grew up. and as an 18 year old who saw i was dating someone bad for me, pulled me aside to warn me about choosing a man who would respect me and my body for the temple it was.

I love Landon. i always have. and his death brought about a reality of my mortal state. It made me appreciate my life and my people more. For that i am grateful.
and honestly, if he had lived a normal life, gone off to college, become a teacher and coach like he'd planned, would he have had such a profound impact on me?

who knows?

He was an imperfect, yet incredible person while he lived, He was funny and kind, and had a very obvious but not in your face way of loving Jesus Christ that i still really respect. Landon influenced a lot of people around him while he lived. But when he died, The example he'd set in just 18 years seemed even more impressive, and it set off a chain-link reaction that is still going. is still helping people live meaningful lives. I feel far closer to him in death than i did in life.

I still remember my dad's best friend, Don Handly. i still think about him. i'm still grateful for the things he taught my father, and the impact he's had on my life.
I have no doubt that Landon will influence the lives of Derek's children.
and i'm going to tell my kids about Landon.

about the friend who was kind and happy and turned people to the Savior in much of what he did. the boy who has shaped my life in so many ways. who has shaped Uncle Derek's life in so many ways. who brought together an entire town in love and brotherhood. who united a school, rallied a community, and inspired a girl, a seemingly insignificant best friend's little sister, to keep a blog and fall in love with high school while she had it, To write a book and leave notes. To be sentimental and serious. just to love. and to make my life worth every minute in ways that uplift and bring light.

Some of those things i felt even when we were still at the same school. even when they graduated, and i just wanted to continue the Legacy and pride that i held so dear. Even when Landon and Derek were both away and all i thought about was my own high school drama.

But i'll never know whether i'd have learned some of those things if he hadn't died.
It was sad to lose such a young life, but i am thankful for the lessons i was able to learn, and am still learning from the experience, and from his influence.

You might think that i sound like a hypocrite now, vehemently praising his memory after i scolded others. I just feel uncomfortable when (a small number) people make him out to be flawless. That's obviously not what i'm trying to do. I stand by what I've said: i appreciate his successes more when i can recognize them in relation to his faults and his trials.

Landon, i love you. I pray for you often. and for your family, here. they are lovely souls, just like you. I thank God for the role you've all had in my life, however imperfect, and however small, it may be.

August Rush

I've been home for exactly one month, but it's been the longest, slowest month of my life. 

Hyperbolic?

of course. 

but you get the picture. 

For the first three weeks i was a Librarian at my Alma Mater. I got an hour for lunch and this is how i spent it:

dreamy. 

Jenat came to visit a few times:

and i got to wear fun dresses and pretend to be posh.

by the way. while taking the above picture in front of our beautiful pomegranate tree....

i stepped on a lovely pomegranate spike. it was large and went straaaiiiiight up my heel. 

that was nice. 

i soaked my foot forever, had my mom dig a little, and then just had to wait it out. it came out after a couple days. 

I love the sister missionaries!

these sistas sure are special gals. loved 'em.

and here are a few 'driving' gems:

Boost Mobile is ghetto. everywhere.

i pulled into a parking spot at walmart. in my little 2003 silver corolla, and was face to face with a different little 2003 silver corolla.

KAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've let pinterest persuade me into making a few new meals. 

I took Jenae's senior pictures the other day. 

I REPEAT: SENIOR PICTURES.

not alright. 

but she's a babe. 

here's a sneaky peeky tongue in cheeky

love her. 

Broken doesn't mean undone

(this is cheesy lame, but i listen to this song late at night sometimes because i'm scared of the dark, and it's a comforting song. But i first heard it in Landon's memorial video, so it reminds me of him, too.)


I know this is dumb.
but i'm real sad.
Last night, as i was getting in the shower, i absentmindedly took my bracelet off and it just snapped and fell to the tile floor. and i gaped. and then cried. and then felt really dumb because it's just a piece of rubber. I've worn it everyday for over four and a half years, it was way overdue to break. but i just didn't think it actually would....i know this is dumb! but I've worn it through everything important- and every thing insignificant - for 4 1/2 years, and i figured i'd still be wearing it at graduation and my wedding and when i had kids and then one day, way in the future, it would fall off but i would just smile because it lasted so long. i guess nearly 5 years is pretty long.
and it's not like Landon was MY best friend. he wasn't ever even close to that.
but i don't know, i guess the bracelet came to symbolize way more than Landon.

It was Landon at first, but then, it was Derek who was also away.
and i felt responsible to act in his place, which doesn't really make sense in hindsight, but i was 15 and in the sucker punch that hit our town and high school, i felt like i had to be strong. to act as Derek's ambassador. to let everyone know that Derek was doing okay. that the Hansens were sad, but okay.
and then Derek was home, and the bracelet was Madera South.
and then after i graduated, it was promises and resolves and a constant reminder of who i want to be.
And lately it was all of that at once.
all of those things.
But still mostly Landon.

and it's probably weird that i felt happy to carry around a little reminder of him on my wrist for so many years when he was my brother's best friend, not mine.

but i did.

I was a pebble in his life but he is a landmark in mine. and it's probably weird that i think of him a lot. considering he passed away five years ago and i was a little girl when i knew him.

but i do.

a million things remind me of him, and i wonder about him. what he'd be doing, if he and Derek would have stayed close. If we would have gone to his wedding. I wonder if Justin and Anthony would still mean as much to me, and my family, as they do now if Landon was still alive. I hope so.






maybe none of that makes sense.






but all of that shot through my mind in an instant while i watched the bracelet on the tile.
i picked it up, set it on top of my towels. and cried.
and then smiled, because it had lasted so long.
and because i can still remember all those things without a rubber bracelet that was so faded i couldn't read the words anymore. in a way that was proof that i had remembered him.
i don't know.
i decided to remind myself to 'make my life worth it' even without the bracelet.
and that was that.




and you know, writing this all out makes me feel a whole lot better. now i feel empowered instead of glum. so thanks for letting me pour all this out here. in my brain.

Justin

I was waiting for just the right thing to be my first post of 2014, but oh well, i'm tired of waiting. ha. 

My siblings have had some great friends over the years, and there are few who i have enjoyed so much as Justin, one of Derek's best friends. he's certainly the longest friend (besides Jonathan, of course.) 

I was going through old photos of me and my oldest sister Rebecca for a Christmas present that failed (ha.) and i kept finding pictures of Justin.

I chuckled, because they looked SO tiny. 

and i'm glad that he has been in Derek's life for so long, and really in all our lives. My family, that is. 

(sorry/not sorry for the very poor resolution pictures)

call me a creep, Derek. Call. me. a. creep. 

And just to clarify, i love Landon and Anthony, too. So grateful for them that i can't really explain. and countless other friends of siblings over the years! Rebecca's Gina Dawson, Allison's Theadra Gaufin, Katrina's Andrea Viramontes, Donny's Brady Dibble - my first crush. ;) Jonathan's Tony Williams, and Jenae's Tara Harford. love them all, learned from them all, cheered with them when their first child was born, marveled over their PhDs, rejoiced in their faith, was filled with gratitude for their heart and understanding, and overcome with pride in their perseverance. 

but today i am especially grateful for Justin.

Grateful that he has been there for my brothers for so long, all three of them. He was there when i started kindergarten and when i got braces and all my haircuts. He was there before and after High School, before and after Derek went to Denver for two years, before and after Landon. And he will be there for a long time, maybe ever. hopefully ever. 

Thanks Justin, for everything, and for being pretty much a part of the family. 

I know that voice

I have a really good memory. with people. and I'm passionate about people. I like them, and i like to know all about the people in my life because it helps me communicate with them and treat them how i would want to be treated - like they knew me.
anyway.
i like people.
and if i see someone on campus that i recognize, in about five seconds i will turn to Mallorie or Jaylene or whoever is walking with me and say, "see that girl? Her name is Jenny and she was in my Parenting class last fall. she's adopted and her little brother is on a mission in the Phillipines. She's from Wisconsin and her Mom is a librarian." and whoever i'm walking with will have a slightly creeped out/impressed face on wen they ask, "how do you know that?!"
i don't know, i just remember everything about everyone i meet and i don't forget people.

I also get really attached to people that barely even know me. like kids in my class that make really good comments, i respect them and i get happy when i see them around campus because even though i know they don't remember me, i remember them and how they uplifted me and i'm thankful for them. teachers, too.

today i had two of these moments:

1- I saw My child development professor, Brother Rarrick, today between classes and i beamed. he didn't see me but i spent a few minutes thinking about how much i LOVED that class and different he was as a teacher. he's the kind that makes you WANT to learn, to actually learn, not just regurgitate answers. He was great and i'm glad i saw him.

2- There is a boy that sits behind me in my New Testament class who looks eerily like my brother Derek's best friend Landon. Like, the first day of school i walked into class and did a double take. weird. Two weeks ago i found out that this boy's name was Landon, too, which just made it even more crazy. but I've never heard him talk before.

pause.

I also am REALLY good at recognizing voices. really good. and have you ever known some one so well, like you would definitely know their voice if you heard it coming from the next aisle over in the grocery store? i like that feeling, it makes me smile.

So today in New Testament, the professor called on Landon to answer a question. and chills went up my spine. Because he sounded Just. Like. Landon. JUST like him. and the weirdest part was that i didn't even know that i still remembered Landon's voice, you know? It's been years since i ever heard him talk, but the first sentence out of this boy's mouth and i was whisked back to the football stadium on Olive Street, stands packed, and a tall boy painted purple, screaming chants at the top of his lungs, laughing with his friends and singing the national anthem proudly (but extremely off key) before the games started.

strangest. sensation. ever.

Certain Seconds

Today, my bishop, that I look up to very much, complimented the choir on our easter worship service.

"The spirit was so strong, that I just know I'll always remember hearing you spill out your heart like that. It was powerful, and it made my easter one I don't think I'll ever forget. You did a marvelous job today."

He's one of the kindest people I know. He was talking about things we don't forget. Moments. Emotions. The powerful ones that you always remember. Even when its years later and time has smudged the details, but you can never forget how you felt right then. In a single, certain second. He said those moments were really important for us to remember, because they shape us.

So I'm going to share a couple of my shaping moments. Some I'm sure seem insignificant, but they're not. Not to me.

- me and brandon are climbing a tree. The eucalyptus on the corner by berenda. Probably third grade. We're laughing. Eating crackers. Playing and talking. I told him he was my best friend. He shoved another cracker in his mouth. He was wearing khaki shorts, a plaid buttoned up shirt and a cardinals baseball cap. His knees were scraped and one of his socks was up a lot higher than the other. He just said, "okay, melissa." And we kept playing.

- I'm in the parking lot of our church building after seminary. Laughing with nolan and ernesto. My aunt pulls up and tells me that she's taking me to school. She says my mom Is on the phone. I get in the car and take the phone. I know someone is hurt just from the way my mom says my name. We're driving out of the parking lot. Mom tells me tearfully that landon was killed in a car acccident. The world stops. Absolutley screeches to a halt. I gasp. I hear my aunt tell my cousins and they seem miles away from me when they gasp too. I squeeze my eyes shut. My mom explains what happened and who called her and asks if I want to come home. I stutter no. We're at school and I'm walking up to my friends. In shock. They know something is wrong, they ask. I tell. And when I heard myself say it outloud, I know it's real, and I breakdown in sobs. The rest of the day is slow, and gray and everyone is glancing at me nervously like they don't know what to say. Everyone is hugging me and I'm at peace with landon's death, but I'm devastated for his family and for my brother.

- I'm standing next to marissa and ernesto in a sea of people all wearing purple. The stands are shaking. We're stomping. I'm screaming so hard my throat feels on fire, but I can't hear myself over the roar of the entire school, jumping and shouting. We won! We finally won! And it's the most amazing thing to feel so connected with such a large group of people. I run out to the field, waving my sign: "This is our year". Travis catches me when I hit him at a dead run. We laugh and spin. I'm screaming, "we did it! We won!" Then there's jason and brandon and stephen and we're all yelling. The alma mater is playing and we all shove our fists in the sky. We're so happy. And it's high school in one moment. And it's 4 years all smashed into one night. And it's all the friendships and sacrifice and hope for change in one hug. And we're smiling so big our cheeks and ears and eyes hurt. There's cameras and tears and nobody sleeps a wink that night because we're all just laying in bed beaming to ourselves. We won. Finally, finally finally.

- we're talking for hours in the parking lot. we're doodling in the frost on your car window. And your eyes look honestly gold. And your smile is the most enchanting thing I've ever been the cause of. And the midnight glaring at us from the clock on the dash seems impossible. And we're laughing at nothing. And I'm falling hard, with no intention of holding back even though I know it's naive. I don't care. I'm blushing as you hug me goodbye and tell me a secret. I float all the way home, and you have no idea.

- I'm in the woods. I'm dressed in biblical costume and there's a small handmade clay lamp in my hands. It's empty. Bone dry. A minute later I'm sprinting toward a door that's swinging shut. It's like slow motion. And there are five of us running now. My body slams up against the door just as it closes. I pound on the door. I look in at the window. There's my little sister. My mother. My best friends. Their lamps are all lit. I'm weeping, because I can't go in. I didn't have enough oil. I'm ashamed and forgotten and rejected. I know that it's just acting, but the emotions are very real.
I make a promise to myself and to God to never let this happen. I promise To always be ready. To always try my best to do what's right. I finally get to go in once it's all done. We sing. I hug my sister with all the strength I can muster.
I'm changed right there.
I'm different from then on.
I know it will still be hard and I'll mess up. But I tell myself that I will never ever feel that empty again. And then there's peace. And I'm calm. And I know everything will be fine if I'm living my best everyday.

That's not all. Just the first five that came to mind when bishop was talking about moments. I thought: skinned up knees. Landon. Football. Gold. Ten virgins.
And I'll probably end up doing these a lot. It's theraputic. You should try it. I'd love to read them!

Happy Easter!