"BYU Admissions Decision"

*This is really long

you have been warned.*

My first night alone in Provo this summer, Derek and I had what would be the first of many, wonderful late night talks on my living room couch. We talked about everything and nothing, and laughed really hard. At one point, Derek casually suggested that I apply to BYU, just in case I got in.

That was it.

The conversation moved along and we never brought it up again.

But after he left and I was getting ready for bed I had the thought, “I should apply for Winter semester here” but it seemed crazy, so I dismissed it and finished getting ready.

I am normally terrified of open blinds or curtains at night. But in Provo at Cinnamon Tree Apartments, I always opened my blinds at night and clicked the window open a crack. I loved hearing the street below and seeing the glow of shop signs and the Provo High stadium lights. Provo feels like a big city to me because Rexburg is tiny.
I hadn’t brought any blankets with me for the summer, because most days I’d be sleeping in the BYU dorms, so i’d bought a sleeping bag with a busted zipper at the DI for a buck fifty that afternoon. I pulled it up to my chin, wiggling into place and letting my eyes droop shut. I focused on the street sounds.
in that second right before you’re asleep, i felt my eyelids break open. I wasn’t fully alert, but I was aware that I wasn’t sleeping. And of all things to think in that moment, my thought was this:

Apply to BYU.

I scoffed out loud and glanced at my alarm clock. 1:03 am. I rolled over, forcing my eyes into the darkness of my Harry Potter Pillowcase.

I fell asleep.

And woke up.

2:16 am

Ugh.

I got up, used the restroom and got a drink of water because that usually does the trick if I’m restless.
as I climbed back onto my bed and plopped onto my back, I let the wind moving the blinds distract me back to sleep, but again in that brief glitch between reality and dream, I was wide awake with the urge to apply to BYU.

I went back to sleep.

This cycle repeated itself a total of 7 times throughout the next few hours until finally at 4 in the morning I was again awake, but angry because I couldn’t sleep.

“APPLY NOW” was my only coherent thought.

I groaned loudly, annoyed, as I threw the sleeping bag off me and jumped down off my bed. A few minutes later I found myself updating information from my 2011 BYU application and I remember feeling like an idiot, because how would applying at 4 am be any different than in the morning? But I kept typing until I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open, and then I was gratefully able to sleep until the actual morning.

I hadn’t completed my application yet, I still needed to write my essays. But I felt foolish, so I put it off another week. I also kept trying to talk myself out of it, “but you LOVE BYU-Idaho! You LOVE Rexburg! Why would you want to leave?”
then one day after I’d dropped my girls off at practice, there was a fire alarm test in my building as I was reading my scriptures. The screeching was annoying, so I went outside and sat a couple buildings away under a birch tree and kept reading.

I don’t have my summer journal with me, or I could tell you exactly what was going through my head that morning. But basically it came down to this: I’d been insanely humbled my first week in Provo, and so I was much more open to the Spirit. And I knew that I was feeling a prompting, an urge, a drive, whatever you want to call it, I was being told to Apply to BYU as soon as possible.

So I did.

I went inside and rewrote all of my essays until I felt confident enough, and then I hit send.

It took a few more days for my BYUI transcripts and stuff to be sent as well, but then I was all set. Everything was in.

Then began the waiting game.

I remember feeling absolutely on top of the world after I clicked ‘submit’.

Mostly I was proud of myself for no longer ignoring the feelings I was getting. I was happy that I had been obedient. And I was absolutely confident that even if I didn’t get in, I was supposed to apply. I didn’t know why, but I just knew that I needed to apply, and I had, and that felt good.

I kept trying to tell Derek, but he was always surrounded by people. Finally at Six Peaks, he was alone, picking up trash while waiting for the buses to come back for us because it was sprinkling.
I practically ran to him, and after beating around the bush for a second I couldn’t hold it in, “Sooo…I applied to BYU today.” And bit my lip in anticipation of his reaction.
His eyes tripled in size as a grin split his face in half, “No way! You did?”
I smiled in relief, “Yeah! I did!”
and we laughed
“I did!” I repeated excitedly, and I kept swatting his chest and shoulders and dancing around him because I was just so stinkin’ excited. He made little T-Rex arms to block my slaps, but kept smiling.
He breathed in deeply through his teeth, “That’s super cool, Melissa! I’m happy for you. That’d be crazy if you got in!”

Over the next seven weeks I slowly told a few more people, around 15, but that felt like I was standing on a building with a blow horn. I didn’t want to tell a bunch of people, in case I didn’t get in and was embarrassed.

Since Sports Camps, I’ve told what feels like a million people, because I have to keep explaining why I’m taking so many classes, and why I can’t drop any yet, and why I’m not trying to date anyone, and why I might not be here in the spring, yada yada yada.

And now, I’m telling the world via my blog:

I applied to transfer to BYU.

It has been really hard for me, actually, to not vent about it here, because here is where I talk myself through things. Whoever reads my current journal in the future is going to feel like a prisoner when they get to this summer/fall, because my impending BYU admission is all I worry about in there.

If I transferred to BYU with an associate’s from BYUI it would be a whole lot easier than transferring with a bunch of individual classes. So I decided that if I got in, I’d finish a general associate’s degree here in Idaho and then go to Provo with it. well that requires one set of classes that I previously wasn’t planning on taking this semester on my normal track to a Professional Preschool Education degree, so I tacked them on.
So I was signed up for 21 credits, two whole sets of classes. One in case I got in and one in case I didn’t. but I mean, obviously I’ve been having to go to both sets. IT SUCKED. BIG TIME, ALRIGHT?! I was dying. Truly. 20 credits then, and one during the second block of school. It was killing me. The only thing keeping me going through all of this was that at some point, it would end. At some point, I would hear back from BYU and be able to drop 6 credits. Which 6 depended on whether I got into BYU or not, but I would at least get to drop 6! That’s huge!

Well, friends, I was supposed to find out my admissions status on Oct. 1, but i didn't.

The last day to drop classes here without it affecting my financial aid was the 7^th.

after a million prayers, i decided to drop the classes i needed to get a general associates even though i hadn't heard from BYU, because i had to relieve some of the stress. 

But also there were new factors that scared me:

The first week of school, I was seriously doubting my Major choice. There’s a lot of red tape in teaching that I HATE, especially when teaching kids as young as preschoolers and especially because I want to run my own preschool out of my home. All that tape sounded really unattractive to me, and I was begging Heavenly Father after every class in prayer to tell me whether or not I was going down the right path with this degree.

“Maybe going to BYU really is the right choice, then” I thought. “because they don’t have a professional Preschool Program, so I’d just be general Child Development, and maybe I’d like that better.”

But as the weeks of school have gone past, I have absolutely fallen in love with the idea of running a preschool. And learning about how little kids learn is becoming nothing short of an obsession. I just love it. and I can’t do that in Provo. I can’t study that in provo, they just don’t have the program i have here. And then the thought of having to change programs and start all over again in a different major was so overwhelming I wanted to scream.

And then there is my not-so-secret secret aspiration of being the Sports Camp Head Counselor. I can’t do that unless I go to BYU. Unless I’m IN provo.

But there was also the same pull as always, I LOVE Rexburg. I LOVE BYU-Idaho.

My heart and brain were at war.

Why can’t things just be easy to choose between?

I was hoping for something. ANYthing, to make it glaringly obvious which school was a better choice for me. in one moment of exasperation i remember musing, "well if some boy in Provo would just FALL in love with me and BEG me to come back, that would solve all of my problems." hahahaha, yeah right.

So.
And after a myriad of advice from family and friends, one finally, boldy, said to me, “well what have you felt as you’ve prayed about it?”

And I couldn’t answer them.

I HAD prayed about it – a lot. But it was never, “what do you want me to do?” it was always, “please let me get into BYU so that I can be head counselor.” Or “please let me get into BYU so that I can be with Derek and all my Provo friends” but never, “is this what’s right for me?”

I guess I considered my prompting to apply as my answer that it was right for me to be there.

But the more I pondered the dilemma, The more I’ve felt Heavenly Father saying that if I’m doing what I’m supposed to, I could be happy in either place. This summer proved that. I love people in both places. I love both schools, and there are balancing pros and cons in each situation, but the real answer simply comes down to this:

What do YOU want, Melissa?

You choose.

THAT TERRIFIED ME. 

I am stereotypical and made a chart.

Why I want to get in:

Sports Camps. Derek, and a few other important people. 

My reasons for “why I want to stay in Rexburg” filled up an entire page.

And I wondered if I just have a severe case of, “I hate moving” mixed with a heap of, “when I love something, I love it with insane passion” and a healthy dose of, “If something I love is right in front of my nose I will doing everything within my power to keep close to it.”

All of those are definitely true about me.

And sure, they played a part in the turmoil.

But essentially it came down to this:

Having an associates to fall back on in case, for some reason, i can't finish a bachelors?

or Sports Camps?

The wrestle between two things that i love so deeply was ripping me stitch my stitch in half. 

and it was even harder just sitting here waiting.
unsure.

waiting
               waiting
                              waiting

the decision never coming

the answer never there

just

waiting.

Today, it consumed my thoughts. 

I got home from class and knelt on my bed, eventually slumping down with my face in my pillow, wondering if God was as exhausted with this subject as i am, and poured it all out in prayer. 

And i just felt like i should calm down. 

so i read my scriptures, and literally every chapter was about finding rest in the Lord. about peace and trust.

"okay, okay, i get it." i thought. 

so i wrote in my Journal for a bit. started a blog post about my reunion over the weekend. did things that had nothing to do with school.

and then i had the thought, "If you open your email right now, you'll know."

and so i logged onto my school email and there was one new email. subject line:

"A decision regarding your application has been made."

I've heard and used the expression, "My heart was pounding out of my chest" about a million times in my life, but when i saw that line, and hovered my cursor over the "read" button, i could literally feel my heart pumping violently against my ribs.

I held up a notebook in front of the screen and pressed 'open'

"Dear Melissa:


Thank you for selecting Brigham Young University as one of your choices for continuing your education. Following a careful and thorough review of your application by the admissions committee, we regret ..."

i stopped reading and breathed out, though i hadn't realized i'd been holding my breath.

I didn't get in.

I calmly closed my computer and then brisked to my room, shut the door, and cried on my bed.

for a second i was angry

"If i wasn't going to get in, then why did I feel so strongly that I needed to apply at the beginning of the summer?"

But my mind immediately supplied a string of answers i'd already thought of in subconcious anticipation of this very scenario:

•          Because I had no idea that first week how much I was going to adore sports camps, and if I ever wanted the chance to even be considered for Head Counselor, I had to be at BYU. If I had waited until after sports camps, it would have been too late to apply and I would have forever kicked myself, wondering what could have happened, if I could have been HC, etc etc.

•           Because I was unsure about my Major here. And if I was just going along, without having applied to BYU, I would have been dreaming of changing, and wondering what my schooling could have been like at BYU had I applied. But because I did apply, and constantly thought, “what if I did get in? would I want to leave this program?” I was able to hear the resounding answer, “NO!” I don’t want to be a general Child Development major, I want to teach preschool.   

•         Because if I hadn’t applied, I don’t think I would have made as many friends over the summer. I would have thought, “Getting close to them now would be pointless because I’m leaving in seven weeks and never coming back.” Which is stupid. and looking back, it was hard for me to put myself out there so much. But because I thought I might come back, I figured it would be nice to have some friends to come back to. So I was sociable. I went out and met people instead of cooping myself up in my room. I was my 100% real self and didn’t care what anyone thought. I was happy. Oh, so happy. And if I thought I was never coming back to Provo, I genuinely don’t think I would have had half the summer I did. Because I wouldn’t have cared enough to try. And honestly, if I applied to BYU just so that I could be more open that summer, just so that I could let Derek, Rachel H, Dylan, Phillipa, Shanna, Rachel O, Marky, Leah, and allllll the other incredible people I befriended, into my heart, then I’ll take it. 
  If those dozen wonderful souls are the reason that I have been so emotionally torn for the past 5 months waiting to seal my future, I gladly accept that. I welcome that. Their love and friendship is worth all of this turmoil. 

•          I learned to obey.
  perhaps this is the most important of all. I listened. And I know what I felt. I was urged to apply. So I applied. And the fulfillment that followed was worth the struggle afterward. Knowing that I was living the way I should be to be worthy of the companionship of the Spirit, who prompted me to act, is worth it. Even if I’m not going to transfer, knowing that I obeyed a prompting and applied when I knew I should apply, is enough for me.

•           And finally, applying to BYU forced me to be active in deciding my own future. I try to rely on the Lord in my decisions. And that’s great. But sometimes relying on the Lord means that you choose where to jump, and you trust that when you hit the ground running, it’s right where God wanted you to be, even if you couldn’t see that before your feet left the ground. I have been just sliding by, making decision through the help of prayer, which is good, but I needed to learn how to rely on the Lord in different ways this year. BOY, HAS HE TAUGHT ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT RELYING. 

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it forever. 2014 has been the year of me making plans and Heavenly Father handing me the real ones.

I know that I was supposed to apply to BYU, and I was supposed to apply right when I did, at the beginning at the summer when there was literally no reason that I could see to do so.

But I’m not transferring to BYU.

I’m staying at BYU-Idaho.

And I know now that this crazy plan was exactly the way it was supposed to be so that I could see that Rexburg, Idaho is right where God needs me to be.
I'm relieved, because this means that i can get an associates AND a bachelors. and because i won't have to change programs.
But i'm real sad that i won't get the chance to be considered for Head Counselor of Sports Camps. I'm real sad that i won't go to school with Derek. I'm sad not to live in Cinnamon Tree. I'm sad no to be around Dylan and Rachel(s) and Phillipa and Shan and everyone else.

But i'm trying really hard to be positive.
my accidental 3 hour nap that followed my crying was actually a blessing, because now i'm calm about it all. and it doesn't make perfect sense, but i'm at peace.
and i know that this is how it's supposed to be.


Everything happens for a reason - i am a firm believer of that.

There are always going to be foggy days.

There are always going to be questions.

But I’m trying really hard not to have any doubts.

My Father in Heaven has a plan for me that is more complex, but more right, than anything I could ever plan for on my own. And I know that if I follow His plan, I will be filled with greater joy in the end than even my deepest wishes and fondest dreams can convey. 

but, i still think it's okay that i'm kind of sad. that's healthy, as long as i don't dwell forever on it, right?

*sigh*

Que Cera Cera

even ONE

So i'm writing something. maybe a book, maybe a bookish thing. mainly just a book. JUDGE ME. it's obviously in it's very very early stages, so don't expect anything mind blowing.

that's not even the point of this post, it's just that i was writing just now about my whole process and decision to stay home from school this past spring semester, and to work in Provo, and i wanted to share a tiny bit with you and then give you some additional thoughts:




"How I came to the decision to apply to be a counselor:

During Christmas break, sitting on the couch in our living room, surrounded by reflections of Christmas tree lights, and colorful wreaths adorning the walls,
“Melissa, you should come work for me this summer at Sports Camps” - Derek
“Okay, heck yeah!” – Me

The actual process was much more complicated than that.

I go to BYU-Idaho. They have an interesting track system there. I’m on the “Fall/Spring” track. So normally, I’d do my first semester of a school year from September – Christmas. And then be ‘off-track’ and living at home from Christmas to Easter. Then go BACK to school from Easter until mid-July. I know, confusing. But that’s how it went. And I loved it. I feel attached to Rexburg, Idaho. I love its mountains, and snow, and people, and sunsets, and spirit. When I didn't get into BYU, and only got into Idaho, I was a little disappointed, but once I actually started school the disappointment quickly transformed to joy. That little school in that tiny town made me incredibly happy for a long time.

So in the late winter of 2014 right before I was supposed to go back to school, feeling like I should stay home and take online classes was the last thing I expected.

I should rename 2014, “the year that God kept blind-siding me with changes in plans”. Really it was just me realizing that my plan for me was not my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. It was just me getting continually humbled. In February I felt overwhelming impressed to stay home for the spring semester, and it made absolutely no sense to me. I’d already signed a contract for my spring housing, I’d already registered for my classes, I couldn't wait to get back to those Grand Tetons and rose sunsets.

But there it was, a sliver in my mind, wiggling deeper and deeper under the tissue:




Stay.



Stay.

Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.

Stay home this semester.

And I didn't know why. But I kept feeling it, and the promptings only got stronger. So I was brave and told my mother.
She was as confused as I had been when I first heard it.
But I had had weeks to get used to the idea. To weigh the pros and cons and become comfortable with all the consequences of staying home for the spring. I stood my ground. And once she saw that I was serious, after hours of frustrated hot tears on my part and calm reasoning on hers, she supported me with love and we both prayed for understanding. "





okay, so that was a tidbit.

and while i was writing it all down, i ran through a mental list of all the wonderful things that i got to be a part of while home for spring semester. and then i thought, "If i had gone to Rexburg, i would just now be starting sports camps. like, on Monday." and i felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of me not having this past month of experiences.

there are honestly a thousand good things that happened to me while i stayed home this semester.

i probably couldn't name them all if I tried.

But this month has been the best, most enlightening, most fulfilling of them all.

I don't want to discredit Rexburg, because i honestly cannot express my love for that place. I have always felt safe and happy there. I've learned and felt so very much in that windy little town. I know that i was put on the Fall/Spring track at BYU-Idaho for a reason. I met people who became my best friends. i began to find my full faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ because the spirit of that place propelled me to be great. I don't think the blessings from going to BYU-Idaho will ever stop coming into my life. I love that place so dearly, i can't explain.

I was blessed to be at that school for a million reasons.

that being said,

I had an honestly insane experience one of my first nights in Provo. maybe someday i'll give the whole story, but for now just know that never before have my brain, and my gut, and my heart, and every other inch of my whole self been so united in aspiration.
that night was full of new dreams.

like i said the other day, I've made a lot of big decisions here.

and i'm soooo thankful that i felt i should stay home for Spring semester. I'm sure that if i had gone to rexburg, i would have had a completely different set of happy weeks, but how can i be sure that i would have found these answers?

I probably would have been fine and met new people there, too.
But i would not trade these past few weeks for anything in the world.

and i'm not trying to be one of those bloggers who just has a perfect life and talks about their perfect things all the time and "la da da i'm so happy, nothing is hard or wrong or bad, everything is perfect and i'm perfect and i pity all you little imperfect people of the world below me."


no.


this is just an online extension of my journal, so i'm expressing my thoughts.
and my thought tonight was this:

I am so grateful for the prompting i had in February that made zero sense.

Because if i stayed home just so i could meet even ONE of the people I've loved this past month, i'd be fine with that.

The Week That Shall Not Be Named

It has been a full THREE posts since i talked about sports camps, and i know you're all DYING to hear more, so i'll let you in on the details ;)

So.

the title of this post has nothing to do with Harry Potter, and everything to do with the fact that my third week was   R O U G H, to say the least. 

these girls. ugh.
every week, i ask my girls to pick a name so i can rally them in big groups and stuff. this group could NOT for the life of them agree on anything. which actually turned out to be rather fitting. So i gave them this name. 

there were 16 of them, which was way more than i'd ever had. 

And they were 13-16, and i'd never had older girls. so i was scared right off the bat. 

PLUS these were soccer girls, and the soccer schedule is this: 

breakfast

practice

lunch

practice 

dinner 

practice

camp activity

sleep

repeat

zero free time. so the girls were always exhausted, and we had no time other than meals to get to know each other. but i could see riiiiiiiight away that this group was NOT going to be united. straight off the bat the older girls hated the younger girls and vice versa. And several of my girls were automatically disobedient and sassy.  i don't handle that well.

there was just a million complaints a minute and frustrated parents and WOW, IT WAS REALLY HARD.

Monday night, i was writing in my journal, trying to keep calm, and i burst into tears. i was emotionally exhausted. and it was ONLY THE FIRST NIGHT.

I cried every night that week because i just felt so frustrated and inadequate. 

and my mom was at girls camp, so i couldn't even call her to vent, haha. 

so now you know, it was a hard week. i won't go into the details, but yeah, just know it was the longest 4 days of my life. 

but here are some things that helped me through the week:

• I have a lot of time in the mornings when my girls are at practice to read my scriptures and write in my journal. what a blessing! the underlined portion of this verse made me laugh:

I feel you Hannah, i feel you. 

• Monday Night Field Games.
  seriously, they are only like an hour and a half, but talking to my counselor friends recharges me. i have been more blessed than i can explain here in gaining true friends. and i so value the time i get to spend with these people. I love love love them.
• Men's Soccer Game
  tuesday was InSANE as well. the girls had the option of watching the BYU Men's soccer game! all my girls except for the two most evil ones wanted to go to the game instead of the dance. so obviously, i went with the majority's decision and we went to the game.
  well the two evil ring leaders started mimicking me like two year olds. i didn't let it bother me visibly. then they started making fun of me. k, whatever whatever, hum your favorite hymn, yeah yeah. THEN, they started making fun of one of the younger girls, who was the biggest proponent of the soccer game.
  NOPE, SO DONE.
  i definitely blew up at them. then they started to make fun of me even more, and i cried. and shouted more. and the spirit was loooong gone by this point. and i felt AWFUL. i shouted, "ForGET IT! let's just GO to the game!" and marched toward the gate, hoping that the two cretins would maybe get run over by a car while crossing the street.
  
  so i sat by my counselor friend Phillipa during the match and cooled down.
  and then i saw Natalie from Studio C while i was splurging on a churro, and it actually made me really happy. haha. 

•  SIX PEAKS
  actually named Seven Peaks, but who cares about that last one.
  
  This is my FAVORITE DAY OF CAMP EVERY WEEK. it's just plain fun. who doesn't like water parks? And by this time, about half of my girls had warmed up to me and were friendly. so this is the only day i took pictures, ha. 

BUT JUST MY LUCK, when we got to seven peaks? thunderstorm. 

park closed. 

k. 

but it turned out okay. 

One of the missionaries that i served as a ward missionary with from January-Marchish works with me! woot! Jessica!

the rain subsided but it sprinkled the whole time we were waiting for the buses and i got creative with my head dress towel

and then Dylan came and talked to me, and when he found out that my girls had made me cry the night before, he scolded them soundly. it was maybe the most gratifying thing to ever enter my ears and ended perfectly with, 

"It was....tolerable....to meet you, girls. goodbye."

yes.

that's a real friend, people. 

Just to be clear though, BYU Sports Camps is a overall happy place. Derek and Rachel's attitudes are infectious. so since they didn't mind the rain, neither did the rest of us. 

(It has been rumored that Rachel physically cannot frown, BUT I HAVE EVIDENCE)

By the way, I love Rachel, Shanna, and Phillipa for immediately accepting me, crocs and all, into their circle.

despite the rain, Six Peaks was great that day. 

After ward, i took the few girls who respected me to the Creamery for some ice cream. 

 we met up wiht some of their guy friends half way through the trip and i made sure to make things as awkward as possible.

shout out to my homie brooklyn who had a FRACTURED ANKLE, but was the only one of my girls back to the dorms by curfew that night. 

• The Cannon Center!
  I've been here five weeks and i'm still not tired of it.
  although i am tired of hamburgers.
  but never of cookies, my friends. never of the cookies. 

ALSO!

to whomever arranges the playlists for the Cannon Center Music;

I don't know who you are, but i kind of just want to give you a big hug and say, "good job, buddy."

• And lastly, the best thing to come of that third week was my 'spot'.
  one morning, there was a fire drill, while i was reading my scriptures, so i just took everything outside with me to escape the wails. ha.
  I walked a few dorms down and sat underneath this tree to read. and write. and pray. I've done it often since then. it's therapeutic. 

That's been the best part of this summer. getting to know myself. getting to relearn to pray, and pray much more meaningful prayers. pouring my heart out for girls that were strangers a day ago.

i feel like my decision to come to Provo this summer was a gateway to amazing changes in my life. maybe not all outwardly big, but i feel...so...different. than i did even in June.

I feel better. 

and i only want to keep getting better. 

I was trying really hard to be happy and good at home from January - June, but i felt pretty stagnant. 

In the past few weeks i feel like i've been leaping and bounding!

I've made a lot of decisions, guys. 

The biggest and most important being that i am going to let this summer change my entire life. 

I.

Love. 

This. 

I'm going to be better. 

Lessons from Sports Camp

i am in no way ready to be the mom of teenagers. ha.

14 year olds are a WHOLE. LOT. OLDER.  than 12 year olds.

Heavenly Father loves me.
for me.
completely, totally, exactly-the-way-i-am, me.
and he's blessed me over the past few weeks with souls who have automatically accepted me and supported me, even encouraged me to be me. They don't care about my flaws. they don't care about my mistakes. they seem them, but they love them.
they. love. me.

14 year olds are definitely teenagers, and they don't really think of anyone but themselves. that's okay. they're 14. i need to breathe and remember that.

i can't expect my girls this week to be just like my girls from last week. that's not fair. i can't discipline them the same or anything like that. they are different people! they have different needs. i should treat them accordingly.

I think God put me in Provo this summer just so i can feel  appreciated and useful. I'm thankful that He could see that i needed that even though I didn't know i needed that.

how did my mother raise teenagers before cell phones? saint, that woman.

I COULD NEVER DO WHAT DEREK AND RACHEL DO.
seriously.
really and truly, my respect for them today went through the roof. i can barely keep calm while my group of girls is split into 2 locations for practice, and they are in charge of HUNDREDS of campers, and counselors, and activities, and they do it all with a calm voice and a friendly smile. and they pretend to care about all of our trivial conversations in between. and i love them for it.

Thank goodness for friends who can calm you down in one sentence. completely suck all the stress right out of you and leave calm in its place.

I'm really grateful that Heavenly Father knows me individually. because i'm different than you. i need different things, i want different things. i feel and think differently, you get the picture. and if Heavenly Father treated us all the same, i think i'd still be safe, but i wouldn't be at peace. I might be alright but i wouldn't be satisfied. i'm so happy that He knows exactly what i need and how to help me understand it.

sometimes, my girls are not all going to be in the same place. that's hard for me, because i am a total control freak and perfectionist, but it is, in fact, okay. IT'S OKAY, MELISSA.

Even if i want to wring a girl's neck in one moment because she's disobeying me, she didn't come to camp to get yelled at. i can help her understand the rules without being angry.

If it's still inside the rules, i can accommodate. i can do that. that's okay. i should do that. i should do everything i can to make my girls safe while still having fun.

I have whispered more heartfelt 'thank-you-prayers' in the past 15 days than i can ever remember.
blessings on blessings on blessings.
and not necessarily big blessings, no landslides or thunder.
just small, constant reminders that God is in the details of my life.
and that He has not forgotten me.
and that I'm in the middle of a big plan.

you guys, i love this job so much. 

I said it last post, i said it tonight to my girls, and i'll say it again right now:

I have never been more satisfied with a decision in my entire life. 

ever.

I am supposed to be here right now. 

and i love it. 

'Dumbledore's Army' and the 'Padawans of the Jedi Council'

this has absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter OR Star Wars. 

ha. 

So hey, i'm a BYU Sports Camp counselor.

and it's pretty much been the best two weeks in my entire life. I am thrilled for the rest of the summer.

don't roll your eyes, because for once, i'm not exaggerating.

 the night before i left for Utah, i felt like i would explode with all the emotions that were trampling me.

But i'd prayed and prayed about going, and i knew Provo UT was where i was supposed to go this summer. so i packed 6 weeks worth of me into these actually pretty small bags (banana for scale) and leaped. 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SATISFIED WITH A DECISION. 

EVER.

seriously. I'm actually a tiny bit embarrassed by HOW MUCH i love this. 

but on second thought, i'm not embarrassed at all. this job rocks. 

i was booooooorn to be a camp counselor. 

livin'. the. dream. 

I decided to wait a while to put up pictures, because i felt a tiny bit weird putting pictures of other people's kids on the internet. So i waited..because somehow that makes it seem better in my mind. haha. and i won't say their names. 

this was my first week. after about .5 seconds i was tired of saying, "girls!" to get their attention, so i told them to suggest group names. when we voted, it was a tie between, "Dumbledore's Army" and "Hot Guy Lovers". and do you really think i am going to be shouting, "HOT GUY LOVERS"? uhmmm, no thanks.
so D.A. it was.
the first evening we just spent getting to know each other

this group was 11 & 12, by the way, so why they were already obsessed with boys is beyond me. but they for sure were. and the girl pictured below was the worst offender. ha. we'll call her jane. and after about an hour of knowing me, this happened:

Jane: "so. which guy counselor has the cutest boys our age?"

me: Uhm, i have no idea. and i literally only know one boy counselor.

the only boy counselor i knew was my brother Derek's old missionary companion/old roommate/best friend, Dylan. And it just so happened that Dylan had boys who were every bit as girl crazy as mine were boy hungry.  

The first night, at field games, one of Dylan's boys, we'll call him 'John' came up to Jane with a rose, told her she was the prettiest girl at camp (which, to be honest wasn't a stretch) and they swapped numbers. 

 Dylan and i made them pose:

the whole deal even made it to the BYUSportsCamps Instagram page, haha. 

we continued mingling the rest of the night. i hung out with the only 2 girls in my group who weren't drooling over boys:

(unintentional portrait of a bromance to the right. Derek&Dylan fo-eva)

One of the boys in Dylan's group was named "Jed". Dylan called him "Jedi", so the girls referred to the group of boys as "The Jedi Council" and Dylan as "Jedi Master Shawhan".

and the rest, as they say, is history. 

the rest of the week went somethin like this:

 In the mornings, I'd roll out of bed and come into the hall way to find my girls obediantly waiting outside their doors. (minus one girl, who was ALWAYS late. bless her heart.) 

in the lobby, we say a prayer, and go to breakfast in our PJS.

after that, they'd change into their tennis garb and i'd escort them to practice!

we walk past the pool on the way to the field house and GUYS. it has literally been 3 years since i played water polo but the smell of chlorine is still the best in the world. hullo.

I take a big deep breath at these doors and smile, every single morning and afternoon.

they practice for like a million hours, and then come get cleaned up before dinner, which i eat with them.

then comes counselor time! the funnest part of the day!! and the part that adds variety. we play games, hang out, and basically just have a barrel of fun every evening. 

at night there are activities for all the camps. 

then we get ready for bed, have a short devotional, and go to blessed sleep!

and that's it. 

but some events of note my first week:

Tuesday evening, we had dinner with the Jedi Counsel and then joined them for a private screening of "Daddy Daycare". But this poor girl had a massive nosebleed and we missed like half the movie waiting for the blood to stop, and then walking back to the dorms to change her clothes. 

after that was the talent show where that girl blew the roof with "tomorrow". I met her later on in the week and forced her to take a picture with me, haha. 

 Wednesday:

Wednesday morning at breakfast; my girls and i saw, through the window, a hummingbird flying around outside. it was pretty and delicate. 

so a few minutes later when we saw it swooping toward the window, we thought we were in for a treat. 

nope. 

instead, the bird flew STRAIGHT into the window and bounced off onto the cement where we watched, horrified, as its wings fluttered and its chest heaved its last breaths. 

then blood started dripping out of the beak and i wanted to throw up, so we left. 

my 12 year old girls were a little traumatized. 

before practice, they held a 'memorial', and were quite perturbed when i kept taking pictures. i was trying really hard not to laugh at the drama of it all. 

several of the girls even delivered eulogies. 

and they genuinely cried. 

RIP minnie the hummingbird. 

watching you die was really gross, and i'll never forget it. 

Seven Peaks!

we go to a water park once a week. holla. 

this is where the girls run wild and i get to make friends. 

Rachel and Shanna, to be exact. 

 one of my girls broke her big toenail in half on a water slide, but besides that it was smooth. 

aaaaaafter i spent the evening at a water park in full clothing because i didn't own a swimsuit, 

my girls and i joined the Jedi Council for Creamery Ice Cream.

but not before they rolled down the hill. 12 year olds, ya know. 

 I got cookies n' cream in case you were wondering, and it was as good as i remembered.

IT WAS SUCH A BLAST. 

Dylan is a hoot and a half. he made me feel really comfortable and not like i had to try really hard to be his friend. so it was easy to make a fun environment for my girls, because i was comfortable! 

and my girls that week were so great! I think i might have gotten too lucky and had my favorite girls my first week. which actually, was a huge blessing because i was 100% positive that my girls would hate me, that i would be a horrible counselor, that i would have no friends blah da blah. 

not so, not so. 

Heavenly Father knows what we need. 

after ice cream, though, my girls were crazy hyper. 

 Thursday:

started out like any normal day. 

no worries. 

well, meet rebel:

 (the girl, not the fanny pack, duh.)

super nice girl. 

but she was always trying to leave the group to hang out with her brother and his friends. which is fine, and i totally let her whenever it was permissible.

but 

 Thursday i walked to the field house to escort the girls back to the dorms after practice. 

we were planning on going straight to the bookstore for a while before dinner.

Rebel comes out and asks for advil since her toenail broke in half at Seven Peaks and it's been in tennis shoes all day. i tell her that i'm not allowed to give her medicine, but the dorm counselors are. she asks to go see ours, like right then, without waiting for the group. 

i say yes hesitantly, because it's an injury. 

i make her PROMISE that she'll go straight to the dorms and STAY THERE.

she says, "I PROMISE."

I walk the rest of the girls back to the dorms, and guess what?

no rebel. 

noooo rebel. 

10 minutes later, still no rebel. 

20 minutes later, STILL no rebel.

you get the picture. 

AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES LATER, STILL NO REBEL.

and in the mean time i had walked back in forth between the dorms and the field house about fifty times, leaving rebel angry/worried/betrayed voice mails and text messages all the while.

finally, i sit in the hall outside her door and stuff my face with pringles and Star Crunch to drown my anger, which is quickly melting into panic that she is laying dead in a ditch somewhere.

I pray. 

hard. 

and again, harder.

then i breathe and pray again, calmer.

and i know i need to go to the Cannon center (cafeteria).

"there's no reason for her to be there" i think

"but ugh, i'd better go just in case" i think

"i'm going to kill this girl" i think

as i'm walking up the sidewalk, i get the distinct impression that she's just in there eating dinner with her brother. and i feel a gust of relief but immediately overturn that with rage that she lied to my face and told me she was coming straight to the dorms. 

I grit my teeth and walk a little faster, thinking of all the blunt objects i'd like to knock her over the head with.

and then i see Dylan, who just finished his check out. we stop and talk. and he calms me down considerably.

so much, that i kind of forget why i came out of the dorms, i'm just here, shootin' the breeze with mah pal Dylan.
Who is rebel?
 why did i want to flay her?

we're chatting. and then i feel my phone vibrate. i explain quickly why i'm about to verbally rip someone's head off, and then i answer the phone. and proceed to...well...verbally rip the rebel's head off. I'm sure that was really a happy conversation to sit in on. sorry Dylan. 

she was just in the cafeteria eating with her brother, totes fine. 

TOTES FINE. 

she comes out of the cannon center and i tell her to just go to the dorms. i'm exasperated. 

she obeys. 

a wise decision on her part. 

a talk to Dylan for a minute more, and then go back to my dorm. where i take a second to breathe/scream into my pillow, and then i apologize to Rebel for being so rude on the phone, but FIRMLY explain why what she did made me so stressed, and how it ruined the evening activities for our whole group.

she was unrepentant, but i knew she wouldn't change her mind, so i left her (locked, haha) in her room to think about what she'd done while i took the rest of the group to dinner and adequately breathed for the first time in a couple of hours. 

not that you guys cared to hear all about that. OH WELL.

 and the rest of counselor time we spent playing soccer with my roommate Kristen's group.

and then was a movie/pizza night! Emperor's New Groove and Pepperoni was a more than gratifying way to end that stressful night.

 not that these two were my favorite or anything...but uh...they were definitely my favorite. haha.

Friday:

'Jane' was weepy all morning, saying she missed 'John', literally crying, begging me to call Dylan and ask for John's phone number because she lost her copy. it continued after breakfast with Jane endlessly discribing John's eyes, and smile, and cheekbones. okaaaay.

finally, i couldn't take it anymore, 

so i texted Dylan explaining the situation and asking for John's number. haha.

He graciously complied, and i scribbled the number onto a gum wrapper and shoved in Jane's backpack. hahaha HOW ARE 12 YEAR OLD THIS EMOTIONAL.

after their tournament was CHECKOUT! bittasweet.

and then i went home, did a bunch of homework,  met my off campus roommate, and had the best three hour long conversation with Derek ever. I love him. he gets me. and he gets my life. 

he makes me want to be better. 

and that's my motto for this summer:

I WANT TO BE BETTER!

one (blogged) amazing week down, five exciting weeks to go!

and just in case you were wondering, 

yesterday, when i got out of the shower, i put my name tag on my blouse. just out of habit. and my parents came over to drop of Jonathan for the night (full story later) and Derek was like, "hey, uhhh, why are you still wearing your nametag?" 

embarrassing. ha.