My Temple Walk

On August 8th, 2015 i did something I'd waited my whole life for. 

This is going to be a long story. 

let's rewind to October 2013. 

I was in a dark place. A very dark place. I had limped through the hardest summer of my life with addiction strapped on my back and stumbled back to BYU-Idaho but i was not myself. 

Pictures from fall semester make me teary eyed, because i remember how hard i was trying not to drown. I remember craving change but lacking the willpower, and i remember crying myself to sleep at least once a week because i knew i was pushing away the few friends i had with my harsh tongue but i didn't feel like i could be any different. 

I hated my habits and i hated my attitude and i desperately wanted to just snap my fingers and be over that mountain. I CLUNG to the few good things that i had. 

the few things that consistently made me feel a sliver of the kind of happy i knew i could be:

Mallorie , Jaylene, my neice Evelyn and my blossoming relationship with Christine. Evelyn made me feel needed. 

Christopher Michael Moen. playing catch in random fields and driving across town to a dinky gas station to get sour patch watermelon just because they all knew it would help me feel a little bit better. 

Jonathan. He is so kind to me. 

the snow. 

oh, the dear snow. 

even now i'm choking up because i miss the snow. I miss the ice i miss the hoar frost i miss seeing my breath and i miss the air stinging my nose. I miss the crunching under my feet and i remember just being overwhelmingly grateful for the snow. It was a beautiful thing in what i thought was an ugly life. 

The snow made me happy. 

and my New Testament class. 

learning about Jesus Christ, the ultimate friend, when i thought all mine were dwindling, was the best medicine for me. 

that class helped me heal.

as the months went on, and as the snow came, my sadness began to leak away. 

I made small steps toward recovery and my usual joy, but i hurdled the grand canyon one day when i finally admitted to my mother, and my church leaders, what i was struggling with and why and how much i wanted to change. 

From then on, every day, though it was a battle, felt like a climb up instead of a fall down. 

That giant on my back was still loud and angry and mean and vindictive, but he got smaller everyday. 

slowly, very slowly, i crawled my out of the dark.

and i began to feel happy again as Christmas lights donned windows and shapes of angels appeared on snowy lawns. 

I remember that phone call, after i had admitted my struggles and my past to my mother and we'd both cried, she told me that a few days prior she had been in the Temple, and had the thought, "Melissa is ready to come here. She is ready to make these promises with God."

I could not believe that.






Rewind again to High school.

i had times of great strength and liberation where i was totally fine without my addiction. i didn't even think about it Junior year. I was busy, i was happy, i had faith in God.

but i slipped, and slipped, and slipped, until it was the end of my senior year and somehow i was down the hill again. not quite in the valley, but too middle-ground for any real progression.

And then my brothers came home for the summer and saved me, and pulled me up.

I went to BYU-Idaho and had whole new growing experiences.
then i came home and lived with my sister and her kids for a few months and had zero struggles with addiction or thoughts of insignificance. those months, along with spring semester in Idaho, were absolutely golden. I was on a spiritual high after a church history tour, and i thought nothing would ever be wrong again.

Often in the scriptures, after an individual has an uplifting experience from God, Satan comes and tries to bring them down. 

such is the pattern in my life, as well. 

After many spiritually enlightening times, I receive greater temptation. 

I am tried. 

I think this happens to us all, and i think it happens every day. 

I'd like to say that this particular trial came and i faced it head on. I'd like to say that i rose above my fear and sadness and kept along my merry way, but that would be a bold lie. 

I was shattered. 

and no, it wasn't about a boy, although that's what it seemed at first. Satan used that to begin the cycle, but then he became relentless. He brought back to my mind every time I'd lied or cheated or sank low, and he threw those acts onto a jumbo-tron. 

Replaying over and over and over in my mind. 

Everywhere i went in my hometown i was reminded of some sin or sadness. 

I was breaking. 

I relapsed to my old habits and means of treating myself. 

That gave the devil a perfect opportunity to step right into the spot where the Spirit of God used to be, and take over his duties as thought-whisperer. Instead of inspiration, he spat discouragement. 

and he was loud. 

He screamed at me all summer long. 

When i failed, i swear i could almost hear him laughing at me. 

Very quickly i was completely consumed in darkness that i could not control. 

That is the scariest thing about addiction to me. 

People say, "you always have a choice." and to some extent, you do. 

But when you get so far into a hole, you can't see anything, and i truly felt, and still feel, like i did not have a choice. Like i had forfeited my agency for a time because of all the choices i HAD made, and that the chemicals in my brain and the devils on my back were moving around my arms and legs and eyes. I was not acting. I was being acted upon by my addiction. 

I felt abandoned. forsaken. lost. 

I felt tangibly filthy, like my sins were leaking out of my pores. I felt hopeless and unlovable and like a "chewed up piece of gum".  

I could never be worthy again, i could never be clean again, i could never mean my smiles again.

I tried to find peace in all the things that usually uplifted me, but i was so numb i couldn't feel anything. not even the good things. 

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In my journal during this time, i hardly ever wrote, but  i drew a series of actually quite disturbing pictures. I never rip anything out of my journals or edit them, but i ripped these out after i'd drawn them. I didn't want anyone to see them. I don't remember where they ended up. 

The first picture was a girl. me. 

the caption reads, "This is me. I was happy. I was fine." 

the second was a girl with a shadow. 

the caption read, "This is me. i feel dark."

through the series, the shadow gets straighter and straighter until it is standing right beside the girl. 

one caption is under all these that reads, "I am becoming something else"

and then it begins to move in front of her. 

the caption: "And no one can tell."

finally, it stands in her place, and then consumes her. 

"Everyone thinks i am fine. They think this is me."

The girl is trapped in the shadow. the next picture is from the girl's point of view, as if the viewer is beside her, inside the shadow of herself. The girl is pounding against a window, the window is really the vision of the shadow.

"Why can't anyone see?"

the girls is scraping against the window, trying desperately to break out. 

The girl leans her forehead against the window, her fists on it as well, to her sides, and she is crying. she is giving up. 

"This is NOT me."

the girl is curled up at the bottom of the cavity in the shadow. hopeless. 

"No one can hear me"

the final picture is of the girl's shadow, and you can faintly see the outline of the girl inside her, trapped, screaming. 

The shadow girl is surrounded by people, family and friends. the shadow girl is smiling, and everyone else is smiling at her. 

The caption reads, "I am not fine."

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Even just typing that gives me goosebumps, because it was such a desperate and obvious attempt at admittance.

That night, I read through the addiction Recovery 12 steps on my phone, and wept, because each rang so true to me. 

I knew i had a problem. I knew i needed to change. 

but i had no idea how. 

jump back to that conversation on the phone with my mother.

she planted a seed in me. 

The Temple.

I'd always wanted to go inside, and i had since i was 12, gone inside to perform proxy baptisms for the dead. but i wanted to make covenants with God. 

I just felt like i could never be clean enough to do that. 

I thought i could never have enough faith to be that obedient. 

Then i read an article about a girl who struggled with Pornography addiction. 

I had never heard a girl talk about it before. 

I didn't know anyone else could echo my feelings so well. 

It is a wonderful, eye-opening article. 

I can still remember that i was sitting in my study spot at the "Crossroads" at BYU-Idaho when i read these lines:

"You wouldn’t guess by looking at me that I have an addiction. I was on the seminary council, I went to church and mutual and the temple every week. I read my scriptures and say my prayers every day. You look at me and you think, “She has it all together.” Every time I tell people, they’re completely shocked. I know that there are other people like me that exist. I know that they’re there. It just makes me sad that they can’t come forward."

and i openly wept in the middle of the cafeteria. 

I re-read the addiction recovery manual online, and then i went home and told Mallorie and Jaylene about my addictions, because i knew i needed someone to be accountable to.

Then i called my mom, and we had our conversation.
We talked about the temple.










the Temple.











the Temple of God, the House of God, the Holy Temple.













I wished i could go in.















that night, i locked myself in the bathroom and prayed for hours.
these words came into my mind from the Addiction recovery manual,

"Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."


In that cold tiny bathroom, leaning against the wall, i felt, lighter. physically lighter. I literally felt as if a portion of my burdened was removed.
and through tears i thanked God for that feeling, and for the hope i could feel trickling into my heart.


over the next days and weeks, i was determined to be different.
I'd tried this same path before, and always relapsed.
And even when i did relapse this time, it still felt different.

Before, i had been motivated to change because i wanted to stop feeling guilty. I wanted to stop hiding things I wanted to stop feeling judged.
those were good reasons.



But this time, i had....an epiphany of sorts. After I'd admitted my whole past, and confessed that i literally could not change on my own, the pressure was gone. I could breathe again. It was still labored breathing, but i could breathe of my own volition.


Everything i thought i knew about forgiveness was wrong.
Everythign i thought i knew about relationships was wrong
about love, about guilt, about desire, about Jesus Christ's Atonement, it was all skewed.

I had to start over.

this time, i wanted to change because i wanted PEACE. I wanted to feel God's love, i wanted to hear the Holy Ghost, i wanted to be whole, i wanted to grow, i wanted to formally promise with God that i would always be my best self, i wanted to receive power from Heaven.

I wanted to go to the temple.
I wanted to be close to God.

I changed because i wanted to live with God.















that Sunday, i sat in my chair and literally ached for the Sacrament to come to me, and for the first time in what felt like forever, i understood its implications.
I was clean again.
I was whole again.
I was starting over.



I was not prefect, i fell back many times that semester, but i never let it hold me back. I just kept getting up, kept brushing off, kept climbing.
I kept doing everything i knew i should do to be whole.

I went home, and started completely new.

and i was clean.
I really was.

The rest of 2014 was incredible, because i felt new. God had given me a new heart. I didn't want that life anymore, i wanted peace.
this change was different, and lasting, and strong.

no, i wan't perfect.
yes, i still messed up.

but less and less frequently.

By June 2014, I felt stronger than ever.
I went to BYU Sports Camps with hope in my heart and happiness filling me to the brim.
I had the best summer of my life, because i was finally free.

I was finally open and honest. i had no secrets. i wasn't hiding a single thing.

I was just me.

Just plain old me.

it was the best feeling i'd ever known.
I wrote in my journal one night, "I think they call this JOY."

with that new found joy, came a spiritual confidence I'd never experienced. Every time i went to the temple, i yearned to make covenants for myself.  I prayed over and over about big decisions i was making, and i always finished my prayers with, "and help me know how to better prepare to live worthy of going the temple." because i was confident, i was happy. i attracted people, because they could see i was happy. I made life long friends that summer.
I even met the man i would eventually date and marry.

One Sunday as i sat in a Fast and Testimony meeting at church, the spirit filling my heart, i heard in my mind, a loving voice say, "You are ready".

It's interesting, the voice of the Spirit. It comes in an instant, but fills your mind with whole paragraphs and discourses and libraries of knowledge. It can convey directly to your heart an entire message in literally one single moment, using something much higher, much better than words. And you feel such immense love, and then you try to describe the message you felt, and it's impossible to be accurate.
God speaks to us in a way that is literally indescribable, and i had one of those moments that day.


I felt love.
I felt assurance.
I felt confident.
I felt ready.



ready for life, ready for love, ready to move from my past, ready to share my past, ready to make eternal promises with God, ready for everything. ready for anything.



I met with my bishop that Sunday, and he was excited for me. He too, felt like i was ready, and we were thrilled, but he said that since i was leaving for home really soon, i should schedule meeting with my home leaders.

I called my home bishop, who expressed sincere confidence in me, but told me that my home Stake had made the decision that women who were not engaged or going on a mission should wait until they were 23 to receive their Temple Endowment.

I was crushed and confused.

why had i received this impression if i couldn't even go to the temple?
After a few hours, and prayer, i felt that i was given that impression to assure me that i WAS ready.
But it was not time. 

and really, what a blessing to have that message!
What an opportunity to have an assurance from God that when my time came, i could be know i was ready! I felt so full of God's love for me that day, despite my disappointment of timing.

I went home, and spent the rest of the summer as a librarian at my Alma Mater, counting the days until i could be back in my dear Rexburg, nestled in the Teton Valley

That fall, when i went back to school at BYU-Idaho, i quickly formed a bond with my bishop and met with him often to keep myself on track. I was thrilled with my classes, i was happy with my roommates. But i still felt a nagging, a longing. Something was missing.

at the end of the semester, in my last meeting with the bishop before Christmas break, he told me that my stake had a per-requisite of one semester of a Temple Preparation Sunday School class before actually going to the temple for myself. He told me that he was putting my name on a list for a temple prep class winter semester.

I burst into tears of joy.
FINALLY.
i could learn about all the symbolism and doctrine of the Holy Temple!

over Christmas break i prayed and prayed to be ready for that class, and felt nothing, which frustrated me. when i got back to school, i met with my bishop and he extended me a calling in the ward that i was completely surprised by. Two of my best friends/roommates were called to serve with me.

Afterward, he said special prayers with each of us gave us blessings. In mine, He told me that i would be able to understand God's timing of my temple endowment.

that line kept bouncing around my head all week.
I spent hours on my knees, praying, trying to decipher all the thoughts and feelings i was having. I clung to the message i'd heard over the summer, "You are ready". Whenever it was time, i would be ready. I would keep myself ready.

and then slowly, i began to understand.
the next Sunday, i met with my Bishop again and told him that I felt ready, and i wanted to go through the temple, but that this was not the time God had prepared for me to do so. I knew i needed to wait. He emotionally told me that he felt the same way.

I was a little sad, because i wanted this more than anything i'd ever worked for. But i also felt peace. I knew that God had a plan, and that He would let me understand it as i walked His path.

That semester was incredible. I taught preschool, and became close with all of my roommates. I was writing a lot and realizing a lot about who i wanted to be as a wife and mother. I was doing Personal Progress every week. I was growing in strides and i was proud of what i was doing.

I was proud of who i was.

I was truly, genuinely, happy, and i believe that is when real love naturally finds us.

at the end of that semester, i started dating Karl.



After one week, i knew everything was going to change. I knew that this was different. I knew i was going to marry him. I knew he was 'the one'.

So i decided to just be patient. my Temple Day would come.
so i did wait.

and then finally, after courtship and engagement, came time to go to the temple.








the month before was hard. As soon as we got engaged, it was like Satan was determined to do everything in his power to stop us from getting married in the Temple. He put an awful lens over my vision for a few days. Karl was annoying, chastity was annoying, obedience was annoying, i just wanted to to whatever i wanted to do and i didn't care about the consequences.

Luckily, I had a great fiance who knew exactly what was happening, and how i was feeling. And Even luckier, we had a bishop with a rule that he meets with engaged couples every single Sunday to keep things on track. He helped me IMMENSELY. I literally would not have made it if it weren't for his council and help.

the week before was impossible without help.

Satan seemed to spend ALL of his time shouting at me that i wasn't worthy, that i hadn't been preparing, that Karl wasn't right for me, that i was wasting my time, that blah blah blah every single taunt or slander you can possibly imagine,  he threw it my way.

It was hard.
i was exhausted.


I was also frustrated because i felt like people were tiptoeing around me when i asked them questions about the temple. Yes, there are sacred things that we keep to ourselves, but that is only a few things. I KNEW that, and i KNEW that people COULD tell me a lot more than they were. i didn't know what to expect and quite frankly, i was terrified that i was going to walk into a room and see like, an animal sacrifice going on or something freaky weird happening that would make me feel uncomfortable. I wished someone would just tell me, "hey, this is what happens, you're going to be fine."

My sister Allison took me to go buy a pure white Temple dress, and i picked out a beautiful but simple dress with floral stitching. We bought my Temple Garments and Robes. Everything felt so well made and pretty. I started to be really excited.

I moved into my new apartment the night before I was to go to the temple. I slept on the floor because we didn't have a bed yet.
I prayed my guts out, really scared and feeling completely unworthy.

when i woke up in the morning, i did the same thing over again.

The day had come.
August 8th, 2015.

I woke up, prayed, read my scriptures, prayed, read my Patriarchal Blessing, prayed, cried, and then i took a shower and i always sing in the shower. I unconsciously started singing children's hymns. It wasn't long before "I love to see the temple" was coming softly from my mouth. My voice caught at the words, "I'll go inside someday" because my mind changed them to "I'll go inside today.".

This was the day i had worked so hard for.

and i really was ready.







Karl and i cleaned my old apartment, and that took almost all day.
And then we changed, got all my things ready, and we drove to the Payson Utah Temple. I was nervous and fidgety the whole drive. We were going to be way early, and i don't do well with waiting while i'm nervous, so we stopped at Walmart before hand to get some apple juice and granola bars because i was hungry.

While we were driving i expressed my frustration about people "tiptoeing around me" Karl looked at me and smiled. I love that dear boy's smile. He said, "Melissa, i promise, you're not going to see or hear or do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. I promise, there's nothing in the temple that you haven't already believed since you were a teeny little kid, because i know you were raised to kep the commandments and that's literally all this is. It's just a ceremony where you formally promise to keep the commandments. It's what you've been doing every week when you take the sacrament, it's just in God's house, and you say it a specific way, wearing specific clothes. We do this in the Temple because we're completely safe in there from temptation. And they do everything they can to let you know what you're doing before you do it, and you can say no if you really want to. If you feel weird, you really can leave. They give everyone that option, every time, your first, your tenth, your one hundredth time, they'll give you that option. No one is forcing you to do anything."
 he told me how much he loved me and how proud of me he was. He bore his testimony to me of the power of the temple, and the peace i would feel.





and then we were there,


and Karl looked like a model while he was one the phone with his sister for a minute

I was nervous and fidgety and just wanted to go in, but we were waiting for my mom, who was going to escort me since it was my first time. 

My mom got there, and it was time to go inside.

My nerves reached a boiling point right before we walked inside and i was so anxious that my eyes started to tear up, and then we walked through the doors.

But then

I was completely calm.

A wave of peace rushed over me as if someone was wrapping me in blanket.



My senses were still and quiet as we walked through the gorgeous halls. We got all checked in, because we had a scheduled time.

There are two parts to receiving an endowment.
1) The Initiatory
and 2) The Endowment Session


One is private, just you and the temple workers, the second is a large group of people.
I got dressed, hugged my mom who waited outside the room on a comfy bench next to a giant gorgeous painting Aaron being ordained in the Old Testament.
Then, i went in to my initiatory alone.

There were several sweet old ladies who helped me. They explained to me many blessings i would receive that day, and they prayed with me, that i might have all of those blessings, and all that knowledge. we moved from one tiny room to another until all the blessings of the initiatory were given and explained. Then in the last little room they explained a little more about my temple Garments, and how respectfully i should treat them, and i exited.

The blessings were in-expressively wonderful.
I felt completely clean, i felt strong. physically strong, and spiritually uplifted. Like, literally lifted up. I felt literally like angels, or God, or something higher than me, were lifting up my soul. Filling it with light and power to do whatever i needed to do.
I felt very safe. I felt protected. A protection i can't explain fully, because i can't find the words.

My mom immediately stood and hugged me, tears in both our eyes.
The spirit of God was felt strongly between us, and in the room.
Then out of the corner of my eye i saw someone hurrying toward me.

My dear sister Allison, who maybe more than any other human understands everything i've been through, everything i've explained here and more, and how hard i have worked to get to where i was that day. All of my siblings love and understand me, but Allison and i have been through a lot together, and shared similar struggles.
we practically ran to each other, and threw ourselves into a hug. She whispered, "Isn't it wonderful?!" It was all i could do to shake my head.  I let out a small laugh, i couldn't verbally express what i was feeling, but there was too much joy to contain. so i laughed.

My mother walked me back to my changing room. as soon as the door was closed and i was alone, i wept and prayed in gratitude for this opportunity, and for the trust and gladness i felt from God.

I changed again, into my new white temple dress.

The temple Matron (The head lady, who is usually like old and super wise and knows everything about temples.) sat with my mother and i in a room and answered any questions i had about temple garments, or the initiatory. She read through some FAQs in case, and then she told me how happy she was for me.

My mother walked me to the Endowment room. Karl was waiting outside the door for me. He was wearing a white shirt, white tie, and white pants. He looked so handsome and clean and happy! His face was glowing! He hugged me and kissed me very gently, and then we walked in together, hand in hand. The men and women sit on separate sides of the room, so Karl sat right across from me.
i got to sit in the front row, with my mom. Then everyone started filing in. all my family members and my bishop with his wife. They all gave me giant smiles and little friendly waves. My sisters all sat around me. My dad smiled at me from the other side of the room with tears in his eyes.

Karl was signing to me excitedly, "you look beautiful. I love you."
I signed, "I'm very happy, but very nervous!"
He signed, "It's going to be great, don't worry." and then after a pause and a  big smile, "wow, you are beautiful!"

Then the instruction started, and i was SO nervous. We learned about the creation of the world and Adam and Eve, everything that i'd read in the scriptures since i was a tiny child. I was actually surprised that there wasn't anything new or startling. I kind of kept waiting for something to make me uncomfortable, but nothing came. haha. Maybe that sounds weird, but everyone had been so vague about what would happen, i didn't know what to expect.

Here's what happened:

we sat and listened to the story of the creation of the world, and the story of Adam and Eve, and it made me really appreciate Jesus Christ, because he saved us from suffering from Adam's transgression. He provided a way to return to God, but be clean from all the bad things we might do on earth. He also made it possible for ALL of us, each of us, to live again AFTER we die. to be resurrected! To have our bodies again, and live forever! literally every single person who has ever lived, who is living now, and who will yet live, gets to live forever in a perfected version of their body after they die, because of Jesus Christ.

Every once and a while, at certain points in the presentation that corresponded with the story, we'd stand up and add a piece of the temple robes to the full clothes we were already wearing. The clothing is beautiful, and just helps us visualize what Adam and Eve went through.

Then, after we learned about Adam and Eve, we promised to obey God's commandments. They weren't new commandments, they were all the same virtues i'd learned about my whole life from the scriptures. The same commandments we promise to keep every week when we take the sacrament, and the same commandments we promise to keep at baptism, and every day as we live to be like Jesus. It was totally normal and peaceful, and felt like Sunday school. Of course i'll keep the commandments, of course i'll have to sacrifice to do that, but it will be worth it. Of course i'll be chaste. Of course i'll follow the Prophet and give to the poor and needy.


I've been trying to doing all those things my whole life,
the Temple was just the first time i formally promised to do so.

Then, the person who had been giving the presentation says a prayer. anyone who wants to can go stand at the front of the room with him while he says it. Most people stay seating and just listen from their seats reverently. I went to the front, with Karl and my siblings. We all held hands and smiled at each other.


Then, everyone goes one by one to one end of the room that has a big partitioning curtain instead of a door. It represents the veil between Heaven and Earth. Everyone goes to that end of the room and quietly talks with a temple worker about what they learned. Since Karl and i were getting married in a week, They let him stand in for the temple worker. I got to tel him the things i'd learned, and he got to ask me questions. It was a sweet experience. Then we walked past the curtain together and he gave me a big hug before we went into the "Celestial Room" which represents Heaven.

and that was it.

nothing weird, nothing foreign. No weird memorized group chants, no smoke and incense. Not anything secret or scary. literally anything and everything that happens in the temple is in the scriptures.

It was all just simple, beautiful doctrine. i loved it.



As Karl and i hugged i heard several old ladies whisper, "oh, they are just so cute!" hahaha.

We walked into the room, and i hugged each of my family members who were able to come. I hugged my bishop and his wife, who were so happy and proud of me. I thanked them for their help, and for coming. I hugged my old roommate Stephanie and her husband Connor who had come, too. We all stayed and talked for a few minutes. My siblings and i mentioned that we wished Jenae, Phillip, Donny, and Christine were there to complete the sibling group.

And then we went to the changing rooms and put back on our regular clothes.
we tried to take some pictures outside, but the flash wasn't really working with my family. Looked great with Steph, though! haha

hahah our eyes kind of look creepy. But i promise we were happy! SO SO SO happy!

It was the best day of my life, tied with my wedding day.
I was indescribably happy, and i felt completely whole for the first time in my entire life.


If you read all the way to the end, way to go! That was a long one.
If you skimmed, know this:

I made the best decision of my life that day. It was beautiful and happy and i do not regret it a single bit. I am proud that i got there, and so happy that it FINALLY came true.

Also, know that more than anything in the world, I love Jesus Christ. I love His Gospel. I love His Church. I love His Temples.




God's mercy is real.
I was redeemed.

I was so broken, that i thought i could never be whole again, but i was wrong.
the Atonement of Jesus Christ healed my fractured soul.
And then He made it strong, and gave it protection.
Now i AM whole.

I feel that.
I know that.

It is all so true.

"-porn" as a suffix

There is a trend now a days that I want to talk about.

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Before i do so, i was asked to do a little disclaimer to any younger or sensitive readers. This post contains no pornography whatsoever. Quite the contrary. But I do talk about the effects of pornography that I've experienced and seen in my life personally and through lives of loved ones. 

If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to scroll past or wait for the next cheery post. 

This is just something I've felt passionately about for some time, and i will not apologize for posting it.
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I’ve seen more and more people add the word “Porn” to the end of a phrase, or to another word to make it a phrase, to mean that something is beautiful, desirable, or thought provoking.

For example: a Facebook page entitled, “Food Porn” that shares daily photos or videos of delicious looking meals or video recipes for refreshing drinks. 

A photo album on the popular site ‘Imgur’ captioned “Earth Porn”, full of breath-taking landscapes and intricate plants. 

Quotes shared with the title “Word Porn” because of the eloquent speech used.

A comment on a photo of a man’s brand new tool set, displayed artfully on a woodworking bench that read, “#ToolPorn” with a heart-eyed emoji.

WHY ARE WE USING THE WORD “PORN” AS A SYNONYM FOR BEAUTIFUL?

WHEN DID “PORN” BECOME THE DEFINITION OF A COLLECTION OF WONDERFUL THINGS?

Maybe some people are unfamiliar with what "porn" even means, or have forgotten.

It’s a shortened version of the word pornography, which is the capturing of sexual experiences via film, photography, audio, or literature for the purpose of arousing an audience not involved in the sexual experience themselves.

That’s what “Porn” is.

So saying that a picture of the Grand Canyon at sunset is Earth Porn literally does not make sense. 

That’s not what bothers me, though.

People are using “Porn” as more than just a shortened word that describes literal Pornography, they are using “-porn” as a suffix that implies satisfaction, beauty, awe, or inspiration.

That is what bothers me.

Trust me when I tell you that:

- Pornography is not beautiful, it is fake. 

                Pornography is designed to look like a real relationship, but it is a lie. The people you are witnessing do not actually love each other, nor are they actually feeling pleasure. They are faking it. It isn’t sexy, because it isn’t sex. Sex is an ultimate expression of love between two people who want to bind themselves together. Pornography is actors, or slaves (which is an entirely separate topic that I will not delve into now) faking love to earn money or keep a certain status, or a myriad of worse reasons. Pornography is a foul, sordid, and counterfeit distortion of sex that forces images and ideas into our minds that we can’t in reality compete with. Pornography kills real love in relationships by replacing actual displays of affection with false expectations of pleasure. It inhibits the ability to feel and experience true beauty of sex with a loving partner. 

                You will feel frustrated that your partner can no longer fill your needs. You will feel confused, because you don’t seem as close to your partner. Something will wedge between you. The love between you may run out. 

                When one person acts this way, the people around them feel the effects. Pornography doesn’t just numb you, it numbs your loved ones. It numbs whole families, which are the foundation of society. When pornography is mainstream in society, it is available to increasingly greater masses of people, it is available to increasingly younger audiences, who have no other expectation for sex, and who grow up thinking that the intimacy they see or hear in pornography is the only kind there is, when it is only really a lewd imitation of actual love. Those younger people will become used to the ideas they see, and base their relationships on false principles that will not stand the test of time and trial.

That is not beautiful. That is shattering.

-                -      Pornography does not satisfy you, it plants a seed of insatiable hunger in your mind 

Our minds react immediately and drastically to the chemicals produced in our bodies when we view, hear, or read pornography. The reaction can only be duplicated a few times with the same effect. After those first few times, our minds and bodies because used to the amount of chemicals, and the fierceness of their entrance. That becomes normal. That becomes the only reaction that is able to arouse us. From then on, our brains need more chemicals, bigger reactions, more intense material, to create the same feeling. 

Our mind can never get enough to be full, because the reactions don’t last.

They are too potent, too fleeting, and too shallow. Unlike true intimacy in love which produces lasting, bonding effects between partners. 

So our mind stays hungry for more.

That is not satisfaction. That is starvation.

-              -        Pornography is not awe-inspiring, it is destructive and addicting.

As I just said, our minds can’t do just one pornographic image. They can’t handle just one movie, one chapter, or one song. After one, our minds demand another, and another, and then our minds start needing another and another, just to feel “normal”. It is not normal. It is corrosive. 

When addicted to any substance, our minds will put that substance at the forefront of our thoughts 24/7. Our brain makes that thing our number one priority, pushing aside real necessities, and relationships with actual precedence, because it thinks we need that thing to survive. It convinces us that we need it to survive. The substance has successfully taken control of our desires and depleted our will power so that we can hardly fight back. We feel like a shell of ourselves, a slave to someone else’s wishes.

That is not inspiring. That is terrifying.

Pornography does not provoke thoughts that improve us, or that encourage us. Pornography provokes thoughts that decompose our ability to feel, that distort our ideals, and that tear apart our real-life relationships - romantic or not.

Stop using “-porn” as a synonym for beautiful or desirable.

Stop spreading the falsehood that pornography is satisfying in any way.

Stop putting pornography in the mainstream of our society for younger and younger people to see and fall prey to.

Stop perpetuating lies about sex and healthy intimacy.

Stop using “-porn” as a suffix.  

2014: A Year in Review

2013: The year I was pushed to my limits and tumbled

2014: The Year I was pushed to new limits, but chose to climb.

The year that everything clicked. The year I strove to be great, the year I was just plain happy. The year I literally saw God’s hand in every step of my plans – mostly because he was constantly correcting them. 

The year I loved and was loved more than I’ve ever felt.

The year I learned who I was and how strong I can be.

The best year.

 __________________________________

As i have done the past few years, here is my way too long year in review. 

___________________________________

January:

At home. Floundering. Still recovering from 2013, its confusion and addiction and depression and loneliness and uncertainty.

I was doing paperwork to become a Substitute Para Professional Aide, and it was taking forever which was mostly my fault. I stupidly waited as long as possible to do things because as much as I hated being at home doing nothing all day and being treated like a kid because I lived at home, I apparently didn’t hate it enough to do anything about it. yet. I was still reveling in the novelty of nothingness. I had chores to do, but other than that I had no expectations to fill. Aka I was the laziest human on earth. 

Every day I’d wake up between 10 and 12, read my scriptures and a conference talk. Then I’d “work out” (read: stretch and occasionally do ten minutes of aerobic-y things)

Then if I needed to take a shower, I would. I’d change into different clothes and clean the kitchen and maybe sweep the living room or another small chore.

I visited my Sister and her family in LA for my nephew’s baby blessing, and I went to some Young Single Adult activities and went out with the sister missionaries quite often. Other than that I was a sloth through and through and it was disgusting.

My only redeeming qualities during January were that I made dinner pretty often and I would drive Jenae places so my mom didn’t have to.

And in other news, my crush on a sweet boy named Ryan was blooming quite quickly.

song of the month: 

White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes

February:

I painted a lot. And read a lot. I figured I should be at least using my talents. So my usual routine now included painting, playing the piano, singing at the top of my lungs, writing ridiculously long journal entries, and reading novels in obscenely short periods of time. I finished a journal.

I went out with the sister missionaries a lot more, but I was just looking forward to going back to school in April. I got a letter from Boyd Kenneth Packer and felt way more important than necessary, but honestly, that letter was a big deal for me. I had painted a portrait of him and sent it to him, and he wrote me back! It was simple but sweet and personal and encouraging.. and It was just the boost that I needed to shut the door on whatever funk was still lingering. I started watching a classic Disney movie a day. Haha. I wanted to see the old ones I hadn’t watched in a while.

And then, out of nowhere, came the feeling:

Stay home this semester.

I brushed it aside. No big deal. I attributed it to me wanting to be lazy for a longer period of time, and I said, “heck no, satan! You’re not taking any more of my time! I’m gonna be productive and go back to school when I’m supposed to! Booyah!”
but there it was again! Subtly as I drove home from the temple, calmly as I read the scriptures, sitting at my little white desk in front of my window looking at the cool overcast sky:

Stay home this semester.

Finally, I decided to pray about it, because it had been on my mind but I’d been pushing it out because I so wanted to be back in Rexburg with my friends, learning. Even though I was now doing many positive productive things, I still felt like I was being lazy just because I wasn’t doing anything incredibly long term like taking classes. I felt stagnant, and I hated it. I wanted to be back in school.
but once morning after I read, I knelt and asked.
nothin’.
which surprised me, because I’d had so many thoughts about it.

So I went about my normal day, and by the time I was getting ready to say my prayer before I went to sleep, I already knew what the answer was. I felt it sliding around my brain, but I had to be sure so I asked anyway.

“I really really really want to go back to school. You know that. But is that what YOU want for me right now?”

And I felt the answer in every part of my heart:

Stay home from school this semester.

And I cried myself to sleep.

For a lot of reasons. How would I tell my parents? They’d think it was just because I liked a boy, which had absolutely nothing to do with it. Why was I assigned to the Fall Spring track at BYUI if I wasn’t supposed to go back for this spring semester? (answer: so you could meet Jaylene and Mark and Rachel and Chris etc. so you could fall In love with sunsets and be there in the winter of 2014 to help Allison and her family. So you go to Nauvoo. A million reasons.) Would my roommates be mad? I WANT TO BE IN REXBURG SO MUCH MORE THAN I WANT TO BE IN MADERA RIGHT NOW. Etc etc etc so many confused tears.
but I had felt the answer and I couldn’t deny that. So I accepted it.

I didn’t tell my mom for two weeks, but I accepted it. when I finally did tell my mom, golly was that a conversation. Haha.

“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014” counter:

1 – staying home in the spring

But then, the fact that I was staying home until the fall (or so I thought) gave me the motivation to do a lot of things. Finish the paper work for Para stuff. Be the stage manager for the Madera South spring musical. Let my feelings for a dear boy with addictive eyes show plainly instead of telling myself that I was dumb for liking someone when I was only to be home a few months.
I started working as a stage manager and immediately loved it. I miss theatre. I started dating that boy and immediately fell for it. He was a barrel of fun.

February was a full month.

song of the month:
"Odds Are" by the Barenaked Ladies

March:

I just let myself be unabashedly happy, and I don’t regret it. I made deep connections with people here, including the sister missionaries, one of whom was Stephanie, my future roommate. I was still dating that boy, and he made me pretty happy. I celebrated Jenae’s birthday with the usual pomp. I got glasses and found out how horrid my back is, haha. Two of my sisters visited with their adorable children. I was still stage manager. Going out with the missionaries all the time and learning a lot about myself. I was happy.
And then on a whim I decided to go through with my inclination and Derek’s prodding to apply to be a Sports Camps counselor.

On a weekday morning I had an over the phone interview with the Head counselors and it was weird taking Derek to as my brother, but as my potential boss, haha. I went outside to get better reception. And I ended up walking up and down the driveway for the phone call kicking rocks to calm my nerves. It was a standard interview until the last question, and as I was answering, I felt like someone had just poured warm water over my head and it was running down over me. Looking back, I imagine a great big clock or some kind of old mechanism with lots of cogs and wheels. That thing is my life. And as I was answering my final question, I felt a giant cog click into place and the machine- my life- start whirring.

We exchanged pleasantries and ended the phone call. I hung up and sat down on my driveway. I stared at my mailbox and physically felt different. Better. And that afternoon I found “The Bleachers” and fell head over heels for the song, “I wanna get better”.

Little did I know it would become my anthem. The mantra of 2014

April:

I saw Wicked for the first time. Jenae and I were way too dressed up, but who cares? I changed a bunch of names in my phone to reflect Star Wars characters: Dad Vader, Queen Momadalla, Ryhan solo, Deruke Skywalker, Darth Mal, Jonafett Bounty Hunter, Mark2-D2. You get the picture. It was awesome. Jonathan came home from school! And I didn’t go back, but I took one infant development class online.. I FINALLY started work as a para professional. I loved it, even though I had no idea what I was doing. The musical I managed had its run, and it was fantastic. We celebrated Easter bunny day and I helped at a friend’s wedding. On Easter morning that good boy and I broke up, but it was for the better and we’re still friends.  The next weekend I climbed a literal and emotional mountain. Read that story here.

It was confirmed I would be a sports camp counselor for 7 weeks in the summer.

“Times I made a plan and God gave me a better one in 2014” counter:

2 – deciding to leave home to work at Sports Camps

May:

I foolishly stopped going to activities besides church because I didn’t want that boy to be uncomfortable. I should have continued going, though, because I cut myself off from things way too early. I started embroidering. As a hobby. Thanks grandmom, haha. I loved my job. I loved helping students feel better about reading and school, and realize their potential. I was a counselor at my home Stake’s Youth Conference and got a small taste of my summer. I spent Memorial Day with my sister and her family in LA and they healed me of the weird blues I’d been feeling. Sister Blackham went home, and in the emotions of the moment I said, “let’s please be roommates in Rexburg this fall.” And she agreed. 

June:

I finished the school year in my long-term sub position at the end of the school year and was surprisingly emotional when it was time to leave. I’m so grateful for the skills and things I learned during that job. We celebrated Father’s day and I saw “Once” in San Fransisco the day before I hugged my mom in the cool morning air on Gina’s driveway and left for Sports Camps.

And really, that’s when everything took off.

The entire previous 6 months were in preparation for this.

My brother in Law drove me to Provo the morning of June 19^th and I was absolutely terrified. I met Derek at the apart complex and he let me stash my stuff in his living room because I couldn’t check into my apartment and then he had to get back to work, head counselor and all. So he wished me luck and I looked up “BYU Smoot Administration Building” on google Maps because I didn’t know how to get there. Haha.
an hour later, I walked into the Marriott Center, Derek tossed me a counselor shirt, and ushered me to Rachel who told me some basic things to know but I heard zero percent of it because I was focusing so hard on not shaking like a leaf. But I did feel her escorting me toward a table full of other counselors. One of whom I recognized from a TV documentary on BYU tv, no big deal. Then I heard, “you know Dylan, right? We’ll sit you next to him for this morning. You’ll get the hang of it after the first couple of kids come through.” I had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn’t heard any of her instructions, but I heard, “Hey! How’s it going, homie!” I turned and saw Dylan, and literally sighed in relief at a face that wasn’t completely foreign. I don’t remember anything he said to me either, except that he asked me if I wanted to Marry Janet’s little brother Scott. Bless Dylan for taking me under his wing that week. A very big brother-ly thing to do. It reminded me of Landon and Anthony and Justin, so I was comfortable and it allowed me to be at ease with my girls, who were wonderful.

July:

This month.

Man, July. It was literally, truly, and completely perfect.

Oh, it was hard. Terribly hard. It stretched me in every way I could think of, and some ways that were totally new. 

My niece got baptized. My boss became one of my best friends. I met a Mormon celebrity (kind of). I danced like an idiot. Twice a week. I fell head over heels for my campers. Minus the week of she-devils that made me cry every night.  My roommate Leah at Cinnamon Tree was a homie. I didn’t actually get to go to Six Peaks, like ever, because it always sprinkled. I spent lots of nights with Derek, Dylan, Rachel, Shanna, and Phillipa. I made a bunch of friends in my ward. Including Karl, who is the coolest cat ever. He randomly hiked the Y with me and my roommate on pioneer day, just because we asked him to. Aka he’s great. I painted. I loved and laughed and generally had a smile on my face all day every day. I finished a journal.

And here’s something:

I felt overwhelmingly that I should apply to BYU for the winter semester. Transfer schools??? Whaaa????
but that’s what I felt, so that’s what I prepared for. I got a winter contract at my complex, I scheduled for fall semester classes in such a way that complemented my decision, and you can read more about that whole process here.
I loved BYU-Idaho but I knew I was supposed to apply to BYU, and that was a GIGANTIC change for me.

“Times in 2014 that I made a plan and God gave me a better one” counter:

3 – Applying to BYU for Winter Semester

August:

I threw Derek a surprise Pokemon themed birthday ‘party’. I whistled a whooooole lot, and taught other people to whistle. I tried to live every last minute to its fullest potential my last week of sports camps with the best group of girls all summer, and then cried and cried and cried when it was all over. But I gained a pen pal! Rachel O, the sweetest human to walk the earth. 

when I was home, I swam in the ocean for the first time in yeeeears. I was the assistant librarian at my old high School and LOVED it. I felt important and needed, but not as much as at Sports Camps. I loved feeling like a grown up, wearing nice clothes to work every day and being a part of the staff meetings. I loved knowing all about the books people would ask for, and honestly, I was just really good at being a librarian. Haha. I loved taking a book from a jam-packed shelf and watching all the ones around it breathe out to fill in the empty space. I love the smell of the old books we discarded. I loved turning on duke Ellington once school got out, and the feeling of accomplishment that came when I locked up every day. When my sub position at the library was over, I tried really hard not to be sad, because I missed my provo life and I no longer felt important.

September:

I took Jenae’s senior pictures. Weird. For a week, I was a substitute paraprofessional Aide at an elementary school, and then it was back to Idaho! But we stopped in provo for a football game first J. I was ecstatic to FinALLY be back in Rexburg, after nine months, and to see all my Rexburg friends again and to feel the sweet spirit at BYU-Idaho. But I was sad. Because I was stressed. And lonely, even though I had five incredible roommates and really good FHE brothers. I had a variation of foot and mouth disease, which was fun. And my ear problems spiked, which I don’t talk about on my blog but very soon they will probably get their own post.
I painted a lot. And experimented. Derek officially started dating Raycelan, and I was very happy for him, but also kind of jealous that I was no longer the main girl in his life, which I know might sound weird, but my brother is my best friend, and we were practically attached at the hip all summer, so it was just a big adjustment. But I’d known Raycelan all summer, and I knew she was a great girl, so I trusted the match.  

October:

I came out of my funk, due in large part to my Family reunion in St. George. Derek brought Raycelan and all my fears were completely calmed once I saw them together. the cutest. I loved seeing my family, and being a together again. I love us.
my apartment became good friends with our FHE boys, we were a fun grouping. Whenever I was stressed, I escaped to Jaylene and Mallorie’s house to get a back scratch and take a nap on Mallorie’s super comfy bed.

And then came the whammy: Melissa, you didn’t get into BYU. You can read all about that here. Long story short, I was shocked and surprised and confused. And then fine.

“Times in 2014 when I made a plan and God gave me a better one” counter:

4 – Didn’t get into BYU even though I was definitely supposed to apply.

I tried to focus on little happy things. It worked. Jaylene, Mallorie, and I took a quick trip to Provo on Halloween.

November:

I genuinely loved my roommates, and it snowed. I was happy. my classes were incredible, I’d finally found my major, and was completely okay with staying at BYU-Idaho. I adored by purple croc moon boots. I ate MANY purple potatoes. I finished a journal. We went to the midnight showing of MockingJay part one and I snuck in Oreos and milk. I missed Thanksgiving dinner and cried because I felt so bad, but then ate with some acquaintances. I babysat Evelyn and got see Rachel, my boss :)

December:

I braided Stephanie’s hair 123512365432 times. Mark’s father died and it was hard because I felt helpless. We finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone. I painted. I went insane from sleep deprivation and stress. Donny graduated from College and moved back to the California Central valley. I said goodbye to Jaylene for nine months, because she’s going to Russia to teach English. And goodbye to Mal for 4 months because she’s staying home in Fresno for winter semester. I came home and had an incredible Christmas with my family, and now, on it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m typing this from my sister Rebecca’s beautiful home in Salem, Utah, where it is 14 degrees outside and there are 8 inches of snow on the ground. Unreal.

2014 was unforgettable, and there’s really nothing more I can say about it other than that. I felt just about every emotion possible this year. I changed. SO MUCH. And I and thrilled for a brand new year. I wonder what it will bring for little old me.

We’ll see, I guess. 





I wish many Happy Returns to you and yours this New Year.




love, melissa michiale










past years in review:

2013
2012 
2011