Textbook Tagging

I work at a library right now. the first two weeks we only did textbook distribution. not only are my arm huge and buff from lifting and moving and opening and scanning roughly NINE THOUSAND BOOKS, but i also got to see a lot of interesting 'expression' on the covers of these books.

some were brand spankin' new, not a single jot or tittle to be found on those covers. some we've literally had since before the school officially split from Madera High in 2006, and they are T-h-r-a-s-h-e-d. most of the scribbles truly are just tagging, "MadToWN PRiDe" "559" "Norte" "13 or die". ya know, typical Madera kids doing typical hoodrat things.
that and a whole lot of foul language, doodles, and slurs that were most likely put there by freshman boys trying to be funny.

and then there were my favorites. the ones that were trying to be serious, which made me laugh:


- "Skinny gurls ain't even that hot" in sharpie. then underneath, the curly writing in blue ink response, "'skinny gurls ain't even that hot'? is that really what the world has come to? classifying females as hot or not? pathetic."
followed by a third contributor, also in sharpie, but messier writing than the first, referring to the blue inked patron, "^probly sum skinny [girl], mad that she ain't even that hot"


- "I'm going to Hell because my Art is murder"

aaallllllrighty, then.
glad things are lookin' up for ya, sport.


- "N.A.T.O. Rocks!!!"

noted.

-  and the secret solution to all celebrity drama:

"if i were Michael Jackson, instead of spending all my money on kids' parks and skin bleach, i woulda just bought like one million pizzas and called it a day. ______ coulda still been alive. too bad, tho."



in case you were wondering, it's little things like this that keep me sane as i spend day after day indoors, with books and an eccentric old jewish lady. (Whose name is Marjorie, and i rather love her if i'm being completely honest. she's refreshingly genuine.)

First Week Home

once upon a time, Derek came home for a week, and it was good fun. 

laughs were had, Kub was played, 

mom made endless jokes about how long is hair was. 

and because he was flying back to Utah out of LAX, we made a trip out of it and spent some time with Allison, Kent, and the kiddos. 

we went to the beach!! which i genuinely have not done since the summer of 2012, so it was nice. and i actually got in!!! like, body surfed with Allison in 8 foot waves, in. 

It was awesome!!! 

and overall just a very fun, relaxing day at the beach!!

 hi, remember that how all of my nieces are insanely beautiful? exhibit 5:

I love the blue into blue

Seth was not sure how he felt about the waves. 

the other kids, however, LOVED them. they hardly left them, actually. 

 despite the apparent grimace on my face, i had a ton of fun lifting the girlies in and out of the ocean.

Caleb ADORES Jonathan and Derek. i was very jealous of the time they got to spend with him, because he literally looked at me like twice all day, haha! 

 I also spent a good deal of time cooing over little buddy here. there is no WAY that he is almost a year old. i refuse to believe that. 

 the boys (including my uncle Rodney who just got home from Jerusalem! yay!) and the kids spent one million years trying to fly a kite and refused to give up. hahahaha.

and, you know me, i can't resist sibling selfies. 

i tried. the sun was just in our eyes the whole time, though, and i think Derek thought i was taking a video. so i didn't get a good one of just me and him. 

i wanted a good one of me and him at Sports Camps but never did get one. 

this kid. 

(some if these pictures WOULD NOT ROTATE. and others, would NOT STOP duplicating. so there, here ya go, sorry not sorry. we're beautiful anyway, so who cares.)

 oh, Derek. 

sorry that i put a dozen pictures of you with no shirt on, on mah blawg.

ilikerocks

and an actual picture, wild greasy sea salt hair all around!!

and in case you wondered, yes, the twins are still children and stick their fingers in each other's noses during pictures. basically, we're just a hilarious set of people and you're gonna have to deal with it.  

we home, took showers, ate Pizza (hallelujah), and visited for the rest of the night. Derek and i used up all of Allison's Aloe Vera, ahhaa. 

I honestly just didn't feel hot at the beach, and i didn't know we were going to stay all day, so i didn't bring sun screen. and when my mom warned me that my shoulder was looking a little pink, i shrugged it off. 

I. AM. AN. IDIOT. 

really and truly i have never had such an awful sunburn in my entire life. it was only my shoulders, but i was almost always facing the ocean, so my left shoulder got WAY more burnt than my right one. and honestly, it was maroon. it has been over a week and i still have thick crusty burned skin on my left shoulder. 

It was like, a legitimate burn!

It felt and looked like i burned it with an iron, not with the sun. 

The pain the day of and the day after was bad, and the swelling on Monday an Tuesday was painful, but the worst thing about this all has been the thick crusty burn on my left shoulder, because i work at a library and i am constantly lifting and shelving books, and every big movement of my shoulder cracks open the burn. gross, i know, i know.

and poor Derek got burned all over his whole upper half. 

anyway. 

I love reading the kids stories before bed :)

and once the kids were in bed, grandmom, grandad, and rodney went home. we talked a little longer and then we left, too. 

Derek was spending the night and leaving Sunday morning, but i was going home. 

i had been putting off saying goodbye all night.

i hate long goodbyes. 

two years ago when we had our other epic summer and he left to go back to school, i drove him to the train station, and after he got his bags out of the trunk he said, "hey, get out and hug me!" "no!" so i fist bumped him through the window and cried on the way home. 

that was dumb.

this time, everyone was hugging everyone, so it wasn't a big deal. we were all kind of going in circles hugging everyone goodbye. and then Derek and i hugged and it was one of those squeeze-real-tight-and-exaggeratedly-sway-from-side-to-side kinds. 

and it was the kind of hug that makes me want to cry because i'm trying to say so much through it. 

"Thanks for the best summer of my life"

"Thanks for being my hero"

"Thanks for building me up and believing me"

"I love you"

"let's be head counselors together even though i can't cause i live in rexburg and you'd rather not be partners with your kid sister because everyone would think we're dating"

"thanks for helping me be me. more than anyone else in my life ever has."

"k thanks, bye."

and right before i left, i rolled down my window and held it out for him to swipe, like Ceasar from Planet of the Apes, and he laughed. 

and on the car ride home i kicked myself  because i had written him a letter but forgotten to bring it to slip into his bag at the last minute. ugh. 

Que Cera Cera

and because this post was so long, a picture of Jenna's immaculate pearls as reward:

Golden Girls

:: Last Week of Sports Camps ::

aka the saddest week of my existence. 

okay so not really because it was still super fun, but it was really sad the last night. 

SMALLEST CHECK IN OF MY LIFE, Y'ALL.

i still got to joke with other counselors and laugh a whole lot, so it was good. 

i had another week of volleyball girls!! yay!

The entire week i kept thinking, "this is my last ___________" or "I'm going to really miss________"

the trees all over campus and green everything is definitely going on my miss list. 

 Monday night, we were headed for field games, and we saw some really dark clouds in the distance, but we were way hyper, and i already loved my group, so i was happy and didn't mind the brooding sky. 

also, i just really wanted a Popsicle.

we got to the edge of the dorms and it started sprinkling. but it had been sprinkling on and off all weekend. 

no big. 

then, out of nowhere i was soaking wet, completely drenched and freezing cold. 

The sky fell open like someone was holding it upside down and shaking it out.

it literally happened so fast that i didn't fully understand what was going on. that and, all the rain was collecting at my glasses and i couldn't see at all. 

 we SPRINTED back to our dorms, hurdling bushes and dodging trees like Robin Hood and little John, and somehow made it back without drowning.

video of that transition here

my profcrocs (professional crocs. i know, i'm clever.) were full of water

DRENCHED. 

and this was my undisclosed favorite, we'll call her Tally

so instead we just hung out in the dorms and got to know each other better. 

these girls were INCREDIBLE. it was that night that i got to know Tasha. 

THIS GROUP WAS SO GOOD. 

i know i say that about most of them, haha. 

these girls were ALL obedient, though. 

every single one of them. 

i had literally zero problems that week. 

zero, zip, zulch. 

just a whole lot of love and a whole lot of prayers answered. 

We went to Six Peaks on Tuesday instead of Wednesday, buuuuuut we got rained out. again. 

when we got bused back to camp, we headed to the Tanner building to 'my room' (one last time) and watched The Parent Trap. ahh, the 90s.

 i ruved dees ladiez

Their name was "golden girls", by the way. because one of the girls said, "Golden!" a lot, and we had all caught on by not even the end of the first day, haha. 

 this was my arm a few days post-river. i should have taken a picture later in the week, because the bruises were great colors!

Wednesday i had lunch with my friend Ryan, and afterward, we were walking back to campus and i just felt really really lucky for having this summer. 

but right then i felt lucky for all the good men i met this summer. 

trust me, i'm not bragging. it's not like i went on a million dates or anything, and no i didn't get a boyfriend. haha. i'm just saying. there are so so so many good men out there. there are so many boys trying to be good people, and i love that. i love guys who aren't ashamed to be kind or spiritual. 

I knew a lot of people like that this summer and it made me happy. 

Wednesday was our last night.

GROOVE TIME

 Hi, i'm the embarrassing counselor who goes around taking pictures of my campers with their crushes.

I danced and danced like there was no tomorrow. and while we screamed at the top of our lungs and flopped around like noodles, which we call dancing, i couldn't help but get carried away. 

 everything slowed down in my head and i had to swallow a sudden lump in my throat. 

Then the DJ HAD to play "stay with me" and make us all want to cry. there were lots of big tight squeezy hugs. but i stopped that almost immediately because i did not want to breakdown in front of everyone, haha. 

and then, just like that, the week was over. 

Thursday afternoon, i said goodbye to my girls

(TASHA!!)

and some other counselors! (The beautiful Rachels)

then i packed lickety split and hitched a ride with Rachel O back to my apartment. we agreed to write letters and have a book club. i sincerely love that girl. maybe we stayed up until 3:30 am talking all Wednesday night and i felt like our souls were a little more knit, even though it was probably foolish to stay up into the wee morning, haha. 

I unpacked and said a preliminary goodbye to some dearies across the quad. 

One girl's name is Melissa, too. We even have the same initials. and she moved into my apartment after i left! hahaha. so we had to take a picture.

thursday night i went on a date with my friend Karl. he's such a sweetheart! he had remembered that i had a Provo bucket list and he took me to some of the places that i hadn't crossed off yet. my fanny pack was broken, though, so i had no place to tote a camera, and didn't get any pictures. bummy. 

but a note to all future boys:

ask Karl how to make girls feel smart and funny and cute. he's really good at that. 

...

I spent all friday packing and cleaning. 

except that in the early afternoon i went on campus to pick up my last check. and on the way home, i got a phone call from a Madera number. 

so i answered. 

curious. 

It was a woman from the Madera Unified School District Office offering me a sub position at the MSHS library as a media tech for as long as i'm home before my school starts in September. UHM, YES, PLEASE. obedience brings blessings, y'all.

i practically jumped through the phone into her office to put a green check mark by my name.

yes.

pleasantries. thank yous. 

hang up. 

reality. 

summer is over. 

I sat right there on the hill next to the 'athlete's tunnel' that i had walked under with my campers every day for the past eight weeks,

 and i cried. 

cried for the good and for the bad and for the things that i've left behind this summer that i should have thrown far away, years ago. I cried because i'm going to miss singing with Derek in church. we're a built in duet wherever we go. I cried because i was remembering that exactly one year ago i was a miserable, pathetic heap on my bedroom floor in the depths of depression and the only thing i wanted was to get my life back. I cried that day on the hill because this summer, i fought. and i won. and i got my life back. 

I cried for my dear friends that i am leaving in Provo and the memories that we've made, and because fast friends that are also true friends are rare. i was so lucky. 

mostly i cried because i have just been so wonderfully blessed. 

 because i was happy and sad and grateful. 

I was being handed a miracle job on a silver platter, but i would be leaving the job that I've loved with my whole entire heart. 

every feeling i'd kept plugged up for the past eight weeks came spilling over on that green knoll. i laid back in the grass and twisted a few blades between my fingers, the last few stragglers dripping down my cheeks, and  i let out a labored sigh. i reached underneath my glasses and rubbed my eyes, then kept my fingers over my lids to block out the light. 

and i prayed really hard to just feel grateful instead of sad, because i really was so happy and thankful for the way everything had turned out, and is still turning out.

tears came again, but they weren't the hot salty kind anymore, they were the calm reassuring kind that make your eyes feel less itchy. 

I breathed out as slowly and steadily as possible, and then got up, gathered my things, and walked home. 

then, like the widow of Zarephath, i ate the last of my food and prepared to die. hahaha. 

well, figuratively, of course. but i really did eat the last of my food. 

 saturday morning i checked out of my dear Cinnamon Tree Apartment. 

Derek's roommate offered to drive us to St.George to meet our mom who was staying there for the week anyway. uhmm, yes! thanks, dawg! so nice! buuuuuuuuuttt....he got a ticket...and i felt horrible...

the ride home with Derek and Mom was a lot of really good conversation, singing, and laughing. and a stop at the Las Vega Subway where an employee named Dominic was literally so helpful and impressive that i took down the manager's number and called in after the fact to compliment the service. 

we got home around 3 am. 

and i crawled into my on bed that night thinking, "this might be the last time i live at home..." and it put me in a weird, pensive mood for the whole next week. and now, afterward, i'm still looking at things differently. 

I'm home now, Sports Camps are over, but i don't want to stop being who i was becoming there. I still want to be improving. i refuse to have another khazad-dum summer. 

i refuse to be stagnant again. 

i am still going to get better. 

always, always, 

i wanna be better. 

i am going to continue getting better this summer.

i can do, i can do it.