current cuts and bruises

hi okay first of all we're going to ignore how pale and voldemort-esque my skin is.

I know.
i'm translucent.
thanks, Idaho.

 secondly, we will also ignore that i didn't shave my legs before i took these picture. 

i'm a real, human, people, and no real human saves their legs EVERY. DAY. if they do, they probably shouldn't be trusted. no body should have that much free time on their hands. 

anyway. 

yesterday i had one of my usual cheesy connection moments where everything made sense because of an obscure correlation and i jumped on it. 

these are my current cuts and bruises: 

I found a really nice hardcover copy of Zathura at DI. it was 50 cents, so obviously i bought it for myself and my future family. (maybe i have a giant Tupperware tote in my closet that serves as a resource file for my future motherhood. judge me. Preschool Major = Mom prep major.) i put this lovely copy on the top shelf of my closet next to my Harry Potter puzzles. nice and out of reach. the next morning, i opened my closet door and the book tumbled off the shelf right into my shin.

side note:

I think my right shin is a danger magnet. SRSLY.

always gettin' scars. 

this blurry picture doesn't show how deep the gouge is. That book did some pretty surprising damage!

okay, so you can barely see the bruise anymore. but I can still feel it. it's just above my knee on my right leg. Sophia opened a drawer on me. really hard. i groaned like id been shot, and twenty minutes later i had a little miniature galaxy on my thigh. 

now it's been reduced to a slight discoloring, which is a shame, because it totes looked like Andromeda. 

one week ago today, i was walking to class through Satan's parking lot (AKA it's covered in ice. always. even on sunny melty days. this parking lot is just out. to. get. me. ) behind my complex. I was holding my scriptures in my right arm kind of like a football. I saw my friend Shaun coming out of his apartment, so i quickened my pace to catch up with him, and all of a sudden the world was in slow motion and i was aware of the fact that i was almost horizontal, in midair. in that split second, while still floating/falling in real slowmo, i realized that if my body stayed in the same position, my scriptures, along with my whole right forearm, would be submerged in a puddle directly below me. 

so, still midair, i seriously don't know how this all happened so fast, i tried to switch my scriptures over to my left hand so they wouldn't get wet. 

this process left my fingers almost interlaced along the spine of my scriptures, mid-switch.

then my knuckles and left knee hit the ground. hard. 

my left hand buckled weirdly under my weight so that the back of my hand was pressed firmly against the pavement. 

all that happened in slow motion, and then once i was on the ground, it was like i saw it from across the parking lot as an observer, happening in about 2 seconds' time. it was way weird. but also super cool. 

any way. 

here are the teeny tiny scratches left from that:

and the tiny left over bruise from my TB test like a million weeks ago:

okay, so maybe you can't see any of those because they're so little. ha. 

THAT'S MY POINT. 

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday last week were annoying. and hard. and they DRAGGED on. and then Sunday, i saw it all flash in front of me from an out-of-body view and i was like, "Wait, that's all that happened? what the heck? why was i moaning about this? this is nuthin'"

I GOT THIS. 

and then as i was taking the picture of my Zathura cut, i thought, "dang, that's gonna be a sweet scar. someday." and the spirit figuratively hit me over the head with a brick.

I'm gonna learn from this. 

what am i worried about. 

i'm grateful for the current cuts and bruises in my life.

they're gonna be pretty cool scars someday. 

Ryhan Solo

"We need to talk"
uuuuggghhhh worst phrase ever. doesn't it just tie your stomach up?
it did mine! but we couldn't talk that night. so we agreed to wait until Sunday after our first hour of church.
but i didn't actually want to, obviously.
and i was angry.
not at him, at myself. because i assumed that it was me trying too hard again and that i pushed him away and i was sad because this was just another boy who didn't care for me enough to want me and confused because i thought things were going well and blah blah blah.


and then the most amazing thing happened when i woke up the next morning.


My heart had changed.


i'd been praying to know how to help my dear boy be less stressed, because he has a lot of really emotionally taxing responsibilities and i wanted to help him have an easier week. earlier in the week i'd gotten some seemingly unrelated impressions while thinking/studying about Charity.
and i mean Charity as in Christ-like love; "the never ending search for someone else's happiness" "The pure love of Christ" "trying to see someone from a 'i love you as a fellow human regardless of what's happening between us' kind of way" "the endeavor of feeling for someone the way Jesus feels for them." and suddenly it just made sense that i should have some charity for this remarkable boy who i cared about.

so i got ready for church calmly, fully knowing what was going to happen but the anger was completely gone. and i was ready to hear him out and try to understand his reasons.

And after church we walked around for a while talking about everything that he's been going through lately. and i felt this big pool of love well up inside me and it felt like the closest thing to charity I've experienced. and I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay and we wasn't alone. so i did. and once we'd finished talking about all of the things he'd been struggling through and what he needs to do right now, i felt incredibly guilty for assuming the world revolved around me, and this was all MY problem. I hadn't even been thinking about everything he'd been dealing with.
And then i knew that even though i didn't like it, this was the answer. this was how to help him have an easier life. this was how i could help him.
that was the hardest part; that we still care about each other, but this is what has to happen.

hashtag is this what being an adult is? i don't like it.

And even though i was sad that we were ending as a 'couple', i was grateful that he trusted me enough to confide in me about what he's going through. and i appreciate his honesty in saying the things that he did. Even though it bites, i'm grateful that he thought it all out a million different ways because he knows how anxious i get to have every possible ending satisfied when i'm making a decision.
he was very sweet and considerate about it all, which made me only feel more charity for him, because i know that he's stressed beYOND belief, and that this isn't easy for him either. And it means a lot to me that he took the time to explain everything to me in a caring way and include me in the decision. and even though i'd still much rather just be with him. I know that in light of our individual situations, this is what's best in the long run.

and when we'd finally reached a mutually satisfied consensus i put on my most solemn face and asked, "it's the crocs, isn't it? that's what's really brought this on"
which earned a dimpled smile and a hearty surprised laugh from him. I love his laugh so much.


And although i'm sad, because i'll miss all the fun we had, I am proud that neither of us have one regret about the relationship.
and thankful that we can end things cleanly now with absolutely no hard feelings instead of  in a few months amid an on again off again long distance complicated roller coaster that ends with bitterness. that sounds awful!

___

thank you Ryan for caring enough.
enough to do what's best for both of us even though it's what hardest for the both of us.
you are wonderful for that.
thank you for always being so perfectly sweet and kind to everyone, but especially to me. i needed your love and friendship these past few months.
___


I respect his decision.
and i sincerely hope things work out for him. and i'm grateful for this experience.
i have no ill feelings at all, which is extremely relieving because i expected to be a complete mess.

BUT I'M STILL REAL SAD. Because there are so many good and happy things that i love about him. and i really thought this was different. and i still really like him. and he is/was good to me.

sigh.

hahaha

*exaggerated sigh*

thanks for the memories, Ry. 

someday there will be one relationship that works out, right? and some some someday i'll find the one. 

Fire

I've been thinking a lot about prophets lately.

I wrote a bunch, trying to explain my feelings right now but deleted it because in reality it all boils down to this, friends:


I feel this truth like a fire in my bones- God has not abandoned His children! He has called Prophets to guide us, and i know that. with all of my heart, i know it! for the past few weeks i have felt this burning inside my heart and i think if i don't tell you all, i really might burst open! Thomas S. Monson is a Prophet of God.


and even if you don't share my belief, i want to invite you to watch the general conference of my church this weekend, and see for yourself our Prophet. God's Prophet and Apostles today. Hear them speak, and then ask God if their words are not true.

here's the link:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch?lang=eng

hear and ask.
and then listen for an answer.
it may not come loudly, or immediately, or with any grand gesture.
But if you sincerely want to know for yourself whether or not God still speaks to His children through Prophets, then ask Him.
and an answer will come.

it did for me, and i know it can for you, too.

Teachings of the Living Prophets

So i'm taking this class called teachings of the Living Prophets. We study all the current apostles. It's SO interesting! I love little facts, and this class is chalk full of them.

Like for example, did you know that Thomas S. Monson Is on the board of directors of printing industries of America. like, the whole nation. And he was a Newsie! like a legit newsie! and then climbed up the ladder to be the head of the Deseret News in the fifties and he was a big shot Newspaper authority all around the country! AND he was in the Navy in World War 2

Also, did you know that Boyd K. Packer is an incredible artist? He specializes in wood carvings of animals. My favorite is the Complete Noah's Ark set he made for his grand kids:
http://www.lds.org/museum/exhibits/packer/
so cool! and He was a bomber pilot in World War 2 in the pacific!

Or did you know that L. Tom Perry is 6' 3"? and he was stationed in Saipan during World War Two, and instead of boozing on the weekends with the rest of the soldiers, he spent his free time re-building homes, constructing church meetinghouses, and tending community gardens.

And oh my gosh Russell M Nelson!
First of all i cannot even tell you how many degrees this guy has, and how many academic awards he's received from all over the WORLD. Russell is a world renowned Heart Surgeon. He invented the machine that allows hearts to continue working during open heart surgery. yeah. how many lives has that machine saved?! He is featured in Who's Who in the World, Who's who in America and Who's Who in Religion. And he served as a medic in the Army during the Korean War.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf was born in Czechoslovakia, and his family had to flee to Frankfurt Germany when he was twelve because their political views were "too western". Dieter is a young apostle, he was born in 1940 so he luckily avoided fighting in world war two, but he was still in the German airforce for six years starting at age 19. After he was married, he became a very successful and powerful airline pilot. Ever since he became an apostle in 2008, he and his wife have lived in the U.S. because it was too expensive to continually fly back and forth between germany and Salt Lake City. He and Harriet have THE cutest love story ever.

Henry B Eyring's dad is a world renowned scientist. Henry went to flipping Harvard University and was a professor at Stanford, but he left that position to be the president of Rick College, which became BYU-Idaho in 2004. Henry was also in the military, i think the air force, right after world war two, but he never had to fight in battle.

Also, out of the first presidency and quorum of the twelve, (15 men all together), 6 are veterans. 3 are lawyers, 5 are salesmen, 3 are educators, one is a nuclear engineer, one is a film specialist, one is a professional pilot, one is a surgeon, and none were 4 were exceptional atheletes. and Many of them attended prestigious universities like Harvard, Yale, Purdue, Duke, Stanford and Princeton.

And these are all family men too, they've all (with the exception of 2 who are still in their early sixties) been married for 45 plus years and they all have children and grand children. and they are all exceptionally spiritual. They're incredible men, really. I have so much respect for them.

We've only studied 6 of these 15 men so far, and i can't wait to learn about the other 9! I love learning! I love BYU-Idaho! I love this church!