Ryhan Solo

"We need to talk"
uuuuggghhhh worst phrase ever. doesn't it just tie your stomach up?
it did mine! but we couldn't talk that night. so we agreed to wait until Sunday after our first hour of church.
but i didn't actually want to, obviously.
and i was angry.
not at him, at myself. because i assumed that it was me trying too hard again and that i pushed him away and i was sad because this was just another boy who didn't care for me enough to want me and confused because i thought things were going well and blah blah blah.


and then the most amazing thing happened when i woke up the next morning.


My heart had changed.


i'd been praying to know how to help my dear boy be less stressed, because he has a lot of really emotionally taxing responsibilities and i wanted to help him have an easier week. earlier in the week i'd gotten some seemingly unrelated impressions while thinking/studying about Charity.
and i mean Charity as in Christ-like love; "the never ending search for someone else's happiness" "The pure love of Christ" "trying to see someone from a 'i love you as a fellow human regardless of what's happening between us' kind of way" "the endeavor of feeling for someone the way Jesus feels for them." and suddenly it just made sense that i should have some charity for this remarkable boy who i cared about.

so i got ready for church calmly, fully knowing what was going to happen but the anger was completely gone. and i was ready to hear him out and try to understand his reasons.

And after church we walked around for a while talking about everything that he's been going through lately. and i felt this big pool of love well up inside me and it felt like the closest thing to charity I've experienced. and I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay and we wasn't alone. so i did. and once we'd finished talking about all of the things he'd been struggling through and what he needs to do right now, i felt incredibly guilty for assuming the world revolved around me, and this was all MY problem. I hadn't even been thinking about everything he'd been dealing with.
And then i knew that even though i didn't like it, this was the answer. this was how to help him have an easier life. this was how i could help him.
that was the hardest part; that we still care about each other, but this is what has to happen.

hashtag is this what being an adult is? i don't like it.

And even though i was sad that we were ending as a 'couple', i was grateful that he trusted me enough to confide in me about what he's going through. and i appreciate his honesty in saying the things that he did. Even though it bites, i'm grateful that he thought it all out a million different ways because he knows how anxious i get to have every possible ending satisfied when i'm making a decision.
he was very sweet and considerate about it all, which made me only feel more charity for him, because i know that he's stressed beYOND belief, and that this isn't easy for him either. And it means a lot to me that he took the time to explain everything to me in a caring way and include me in the decision. and even though i'd still much rather just be with him. I know that in light of our individual situations, this is what's best in the long run.

and when we'd finally reached a mutually satisfied consensus i put on my most solemn face and asked, "it's the crocs, isn't it? that's what's really brought this on"
which earned a dimpled smile and a hearty surprised laugh from him. I love his laugh so much.


And although i'm sad, because i'll miss all the fun we had, I am proud that neither of us have one regret about the relationship.
and thankful that we can end things cleanly now with absolutely no hard feelings instead of  in a few months amid an on again off again long distance complicated roller coaster that ends with bitterness. that sounds awful!

___

thank you Ryan for caring enough.
enough to do what's best for both of us even though it's what hardest for the both of us.
you are wonderful for that.
thank you for always being so perfectly sweet and kind to everyone, but especially to me. i needed your love and friendship these past few months.
___


I respect his decision.
and i sincerely hope things work out for him. and i'm grateful for this experience.
i have no ill feelings at all, which is extremely relieving because i expected to be a complete mess.

BUT I'M STILL REAL SAD. Because there are so many good and happy things that i love about him. and i really thought this was different. and i still really like him. and he is/was good to me.

sigh.

hahaha

*exaggerated sigh*

thanks for the memories, Ry. 

someday there will be one relationship that works out, right? and some some someday i'll find the one.