over Jello and fruit

I have one million and ten things to say and it's keeping me from falling asleep.

This is one of my very favorite songs ever. (try to ignore jim carrey's creepy face, lol.) and has been for ages. well, since sixth grade. I'm actually surprised at myself for sharing it, because it is so dear to me. it makes me realize what i'm hoping.
does that make sense?
i listen to it when i want to think. mostly when i'm trying really hard not to be sad, or when i'm trying to make a decision.
and listening to this song is like flipping a coin - when i listen, i know which side of the coin i'm hoping lands face up.

It's called, "The letter that never came"

and it makes me .... i don't know. 

sometimes it makes me sad, and other times it fills me with potential. 

today it's mostly pleasant. 

my head is swimming. and i don't know where to begin or end. and i really want to tell you about something that happened yesterday at Yosemite National Park. 

kind of cool/sad/inspiring?

AH. 

but it's 11 pm so maybe i'll save this as a draft and go to sleep so i won't be a zombie tomorrow. i'm rambling enough as it is right now. 

....

nope i'm still typing.

here's what's in my head today:

- no one who intentionally makes me feel less than i am is a true friend. and i should try to be kind to them. but i also need to remember that it's okay for me to step away from people who hurt me. no matter how many excuses i want to make for them, or how loyal i feel i have to be to them because we've been friends for so long. if they choose to hurt me, why am i choosing to be around them?

- my brothers love me. "when you feel like things are slipping out from between your fingers, it's okay to let them go sometimes. it depends what the other end of the rope is tied to." 

"take every opportunity you can to laugh. go out. be a friend. serve. choose to smile rather than do something that you know will keep you holed up and sad. don't listen to sad music on purpose. go make your own! if you're feeling on the verge of anything even near an edge, MOVE. "

- i can use my experience to help others

- i can help others. i actually can. i can make a difference. 

- a little over a year ago, i got a very specific, very real answer to prayer. and i followed the prompting. i still don't know exactly why i was asked to do that, but i did it. and though there are a few possible answers, maybe the only one that really matters is just that i obeyed. 

and i think i'm finally okay with that. 

- a few months ago, i felt really strongly that i needed to stay home this semester. so i did. and i miss rexburg so badly, i could sit and cry this very minute. But while i have a hundred questions about why i needed to stay, i do not have one single doubt. i was supposed to stay. and i did. 

and i don't know why. 

maybe i never really will, 

But . I. did it. 

and i'm finally okay with that, too. 

- i have a hard time believing that people love me as strongly as i do them. not in a cocky way at all. i just assume that i don't mean as much to people because i move in and out of town because of my school. i feel like people have their circles, and when i come home, i disrupt them all. i'm like, imposing on the status quo or something. But goodness do i love these people in my home Young Single Adult congregation. i love them so much i could burst. Today especially i was nervous about an event after church, because i assumed that i would have no body to sit with or whatever. i just don't want to impose, i don't know. 

this feeling comes and goes. 

but i walked out to the tables and it wasn't that way at all. 

i sat right down with my friends. 

and i felt loved. 

i felt appreciated and cared for. 

and i felt genuinely content among these beautiful, inspiring women who are my dear friends that i love so wholly because they simply love me for who i am.

just me. 

they just love me. 

 and i opened my mouth to tell them, "thank you! thank you for loving me and for being there and accepting me and laughing and serving with me. Thank you for being my sisters and teaching and uplifting me and making me grow and want to be so much more than i am while showing me that i am good enough already. Thank you loving me. just thank you so much for loving me, girls."

but how do you actually thank someone for that? 

certainly not over jello and fruit?

I'm not good at social ques. 

so i just smiled instead. 

and prayed silently, thanking God for these angels. 

 i have so many things in my head still, but this has eased my brain enough that i might be able to fall asleep. 

so i'll post about yosemite tomorrow.