Stupid Perfect teenager rant

You know what happens when you change the channel on your old tv and that gray/white/black fuzz comes up and you hear that awful, loud scratchy/blurry noise? That's how my brain/heart/stomach feels right now.
Tonight I unexpectedly saw a boy for whom my feelings are undecided. That's a lie, I know exactly how I feel. I haven't seen him in a long time.
And seeming him put me in a tailspin.
I hate seeing his stupid perfect eyes and his stupid perfect hair. And I hate acting indifferent to his presence when I would really just like to give his broad stupid perfect shoulders a good shake and yell, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR BRAIN RIGHT NOW, DANG IT?! TELL ME." Into his stupid perfect face.
I just want him to show some emotion for me, even if it's disgust. Because atleast then I would know instead of sitting here wondering forever.
And I want to have the courage to say something to him instead of feeling absolutely petrified every time he comes in the room.
And I want things to be like they were, and how I planned and how they were always supposed to be. And I want to admit that I was wrong and that I'm sorry and start over.

And then I want us to be happy.
Even if that means that we really are just friends and we only see each other every once in a while at the odd christmas or summer in our home ward when we come back with our separate families to visit our parents.
I could be fine with however he feels.
As long as he tells me.

And I don't care that this is on the internet, mom. And I don't care that it's vague. Deal.

Back to the Burg...ture

I was trying to be clever and say back to the future, but with Rexburg in it. whatevah.

I'M LEAVIN LEAVIN LEAVIN
yuppers, i'm going home and it's one of those bittersweet feels again.
I love this song, and on the last day of my Child Development class my teacher played it on his guitar but instead of "Georgia" he said "Rexburg". In terms of emerging adulthood theory, this song is pretty accurate.
So please feel free to listen to it while scrollin' through these pictures, and make sure to say, "why, Rexburg?" during the chorus.

never ending rec sports

Favorite temple # 3

Birthday

Great Gatsby

R Mountain

Tree Frog. 

Favorite.

Midwest Trip

Far West

Adam Ondi Ahman

Old Nauvoo

Favorite Temple #4

cross the river

Winter Quarters

White Board wars (I won)

Markah

Benson

Ephraim's Rescue

Memorial Day

Man of Steel (I'm the blue)

Bonfires

Rainy Days

Jenae's visit

F to the H to the E

The school website never works

 Kool-aid. every day.

unintentional polka dot day

Soap carving 

picnics for days

Merlin intervention

The night the power went out and we all turned into little kids captivated by the lightening storm

These were the only people i hung out with all semester (and Mark, but he's not in our FHE group) and i LOVE them. lots.

 i'll miss this guy. He handed me my camera this afternoon and said, "I left you a goodbye present." when i looked later, i found 33 pictures of Chris' face. yes.

I LOVE REXBURG.

I LOVE BYU-IDAHO.

but it's definitely time to come home. MADERA OR BUST!

Shleepin'

all afternoon and evening Yesterday I felt light headed and weird, so i drank lots of water and stayed home and Last night i went to bed at 1 am (which is early for me) because i felt really sick. i woke up today at 3 IN THE AFTERNOON, and still felt awful + worst headache of my life drank lots of water and juice, ate an English muffin and went back to sleep at 6:30, woke up at 8:30, STILL felt horrible so i went back to sleep until 10:00, when i forced myself to get up so i could eat something real, finish my last homework assignments and study for my last final. but I'm exausted and as soon as i'm done, i'm going back to bed.
I just had to document the sleepiness/migraine because i never get sick, and i wanted proof. not that this is real proof. whateva, i wanted a record of me saying it.
I have a history of throwing up and passing out when i get too hot. really embarrassing and really awful. so i think maybe it was just a different version of that. tmi? deal with it.

Up on mah Soap Box

When i have pent up emotions that i don't feel like putting on the internet, i type them up and save them on my computer. i literally have a folder called, "rants". I've never put any of them up here but this has just REALLY been bothering me because it. keeps. coming. up. and i know it will continue to come up for awhile. so here ya go, mom: my missionary rant.

I want to preface this by making it very clear that I LOVE missionaries. I think that giving up 18 – 24 months to teach strangers about Jesus Christ is incredibly noble. I admire all of my (67!!) friends currently serving a mission for my church and at times I envy their opportunity to live such a blessing-filled life! Even though I’m sure it’s difficult to leave your homes, learn a new language, blend into a new culture, and approach people with a religious message.

That being said, I do feel like there are people in my life who are judging me for not serving a mission. I cannot count the number of times I’ve been asked in an accusing tone why I’m not going, and I try really, really, really hard not to be offended and not to be annoyed, because I know that most of the time those people are honestly just asking and they have no idea the anxiety that comes from that question.

So this is for all the people who use, “Are you going on a mission?!” as a conversational starter:

I’m a 19 year old Mormon girl. I’m not serving a mission. I’m not married or engaged, I’m not even in a relationship. I don’t have a degree or a plan, I’m just here.

Last October I’m pretty sure that every Mormon girl aged 17-21 wanted to serve a mission, even if it was only for a split second. I did! Heck yeah I did! I LOVE to teach, and I love sharing the gospel, so for about 2 whole hours I was convinced. I was going on a mission.

After General Conference, I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed. Ecstatic. Expectant. Trying to know if I should go on a mission, but I didn't feel like I got a specific answer, So I asked again that night before I went to bed.

No.

NO?!

No.

What?!

I was baffled.

And after praying relentlessly for a week I realized that I was being really like, “answer me RIGHT NOW.” And you can’t do that, you can’t demand answers like that, so I backed off. I tried really hard to be humbler and to be still.

And then I asked again and got the distinct impression that if I REALLY wanted to go, then I should go. But if not, then I had plenty to work on here.

And then I prayed for ever trying to make myself want to go, like willing myself to want to go on a mission and I wanted to go, but I didn't WANT to go. If that makes sense. I wanted to go because it was a fad, not because I was trying to teach people about Christ, and that’s what it’s supposed to be.

And then I felt really guilty for not wanting to go. And then I felt stupid for feeling guilty. And then I came home at Christmas and of course that’s in the line of first questions out of everybody’s mouths:

SO! How was school?!

It was really great!

Oh, that’s good, are you dating anyone? *insert attempt at playful eyebrow raise*

Oh, no, it’s just me *uncomfortable chuckle*

So are you going on a mission?!

Uhhhhh, no, nope I’m not.

Oh…uhmm, well

It’s not like I can’t, I could. It’s just…I’m not.

I noticed that your best friend, your cousins, your roommates and your neighbor’s sister’s fiancé’s pet cat is going! Why don’t you want to tag along? *laugh*

And by this point I have reached one end of my high emotion scale: angry or embarrassed. Either one pushes me to tears if it’s really extreme. So I’m frustrated/sad/horrified and it’s not like I can go into this 5 minute monologue every time someone asks me that question. I know they mean well but come on, that’s kind of rude to ask someone why they’re not serving a mission. It’s personal! It’s not like I can just blurt out to every Tom Pete and Harry, “yeah, well I prayed about it and I’m confident in my decision. It’s just not what I’m going to do.” Because that’s kind of awkward to tell people, and it’s also kind of uncomfortable to hear for some reason and then what do you talk about next?  

So in real life I just say, ‘oh, well it’s just not in my plans’ or I lie and say, ‘’maybe’’.

I guess the whole point of this is just to let all the other girls who aren't going to mission know that they’re not alone! Because I feel – especially here at BYU Idaho – that EVERYONE is going on missions and that I’m like, defective, because I chose not to. And I feel like people see my choice not to serve as a declaration that I am unqualified to serve, which is not true. I would love to teach people about Christ and I would love to serve a mission if I was ever called to one.

 But the fact is? I just don’t want to. and that’s okay. I don’t have to. I am not a ‘bad mormon’ for not serving a mission. It doesn’t mean that I have less faith or determination than any of my friends who are serving, it just means that God’s plan for me is different than theirs, and that’s fine. And I can breathe and know that I’m not violating some deep law of loyalty by not serving a mission. And just because I’m choosing to stay home doesn’t mean that I necessarily have to get married right away or graduate really soon. I’m just not going on a mission. And that’s okay.

Even though I have that reassurance in my head, it is incredibly discouraging to try to explain all that to every person in my home congregation when I’m home to visit. But I do try to be really gracious and act like it’s not a hammer to the face when people ask me, because like I said, most of them truly aren’t trying to be malicious in any way.

And if you’re genuinely curious if a young person you know is serving a mission, go ahead and ask them this question instead:

“So, has the recent missionary age change affected very many people that you know?”

And if they’re planning on serving a mission themselves, then it will most definitely come up. And if they’re not, then it won’t. AND you just saved that young friend of yours a lot of anxiety. They’re probably kissing your feet with relief in their minds right now. It’s also just generally more polite to ask that question so you don’t seem like you’re prying into someone’s personal life.

AAAAAAnd. Another, shorter side rant:

Just because a woman willingly chooses to stay at home and raise a family does not in any way mean that she is thereby incapable of sustaining a different profession. Quite the contrary! It means that she has chosen the ultimate profession! The gift and rite of child-rearing is one that deserves much more respect and admiration than is currently displayed by the general public today. I pity the fool who hastily disregards a passionate homemaker as ‘just a mom’, because it is likely that he lacked such a presence In his own childhood, and that is a tragedy.

*gets off soapbox*

And that’s it.

10 reasons why I wish i was dating Louis Stevens

1. He's great with the ladies

2. He's got a great smile and wonderful fashion sense.

3. He's observant

4. He cares about his health

5. He's a true friend

6. He's philosophical

7. He's an artist

8. He would appreciate my talents

9. He's an excellent mentor

10. Is a girlish scream an attractive trait in guys? i think so.

Good Life

for no particular reason, today is a good day.
it's probably a happy hangover from my family reunion, and i'm okay with that.

Today I have a MOUNTAIN of homework to finish, but instead i was reminiscing. I was looking back through my 2012 pictures, and my pictures from Christmas - April when i was still home, and there are so many goodies that slipped through the cracks! and by 'so many' i mean 41. so feel free to skim and then skip this post. it is literally of no importance. but i DIED laughing at a few of these pictures. I completely forgot that any of these pictures existed!

If you feel inclined, then enjoy!

1. My school had a glow in the dark rally on my birthday like two years ago and for some reason i felt it necessary to wear this GIGANTIC bow on my face. Rory stole it during seminary, and of course i made him take a picture, because it's RORY.

2. when planking was popular, i thought it was SO DUMB. but secretly i did it and just never showed anyone the pictures because i was embarrassed to be a part of the ridiculous trend. Most of the pictures were permanently lost because the fad was popular during like, summer 2011, and that's when our computer crashed. sad day, too because some of my planks were awesome. oh well. here's one that survived because it was taken in January 2012 on a trip to yosemite.

3. All throughout high school my friends and i sat at this tree during lunch. Until senior year when we were all in ROP drama so we got to hang out in the back dressing room like cool kids. but we wanted a picture with it just for funsies. Ernesto's face is priceless.

4. at my cousin Marla's wedding. this picture was in my "NEVER PUT ON FACEBOOK" folder. haahaha

 me and my brotha, Jonathan.

5. Mah boys. after their last playoff game. they're all crying :')

6. me and homedog Travis before Prom. I forgot my camera that day (travesty) so all the pictures i have are from other people. 

7. My favorite teacher, Mrs. Watterson. haha i didn't even know that this existed! but it was taken on my camera! 

 8. Ignore Brandon and Tianna in the front.... notice me being hug attacked by Ozzie and Trey in the background. LOVE that.

9 & 10. I worked at a law firm the summer after high school. it was such an amazing experience! One day we had a 'day of burgers' at lunch. we also had a 'day of bacon',  day of pizza, 'find the best taco in madera' day, and a mexican day (separate). we pretty much had a party every week. lawyers need SOME kind of entertainment. I LOVED this job. this picture is of a sign up sheet i made. please note the dancing burger, chip bag and juice box in the margins. also, please note that i brought bacon and ketchup. what more could you need on a hamburger?

When the after olympics started, i marched up and down the halls of the office making trumpet noises to the tune of the olympic fanfare and i wore red white and blue the whole week. I also sang a lot and drew pictures on the whiteboards in the conference room for the entertainment of the attorneys. They loved me, i'm sure....

except for Dave, who always kept his office immaculate on his own so i wouldn't have to go in there, and who kept his door shut, and he watered his own plants, and he would bring me his files on his own in stead of letting me pick them up from his office. and he always very short with me if i had a question but COME ON DAVE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEMORIZE ALL OF YOUR CASES IN LESS THAN A WEEK. give me a break! 

one day, his door was shut and i was filing in the next room over and i heard him singing along to 'teardrops on my guitar'. i literally laughed out loud. 

moving on from that rant...

I also had tons of down time there. i read the entire Harry Potter Series as well as 40 of the 100 best children's chapter books. 

 11. this little guy made me so happy! I painted him on my car like, october 2011 before our rival football game. And he stayed on the passenger window until late March, 2012, when Donny needed the car to go on his honeymoon, so he washed it off :(

 12. So i went on a big fun group date with my friend Zane and i tried to take a cute picture of us? nope. this happened instead. HA. this was also in my never put on facebook folder. hahaha

 13 &14. I miss Brandon. lots. these were taken the night before Jason left for Arkansas and the boys came over for dinner. I love them!

15. I had to do this stupid media hunt for a class in the fall and i was bored, so this happened.

 16. this is me, dreaming of the word y'all. because when boys say y'all i melt into a puddle

17. HAHA. i cut Jonathan's hair, and i tied him up like a mental patient during the process.

18. I'm wheezing right now from laughing so hard. this is my apartment on the last day of school fall semester. EVERYTHING on the floor in this picture is mine. HOW my roommates didn't kill me, i don't know.

19.  This was my American foundations history teacher in the fall. he had a denture whistle that i loved and he was also probably the best history teacher I've ever had. 

 20. Those boots. happy happy happy

21. Jonathan posing in temple square. what a ham.

22. Jenna Bear at Christmas. the sweet thing was still crawling, and she was bald and adorable.

23 & 24. HAHA. i played pin the nose on Rudolph one night with Caleb and Natalie while their mom and my parents went to the temple. hahaha these pictures are great. they look like hostages, but i promise they were having fun.

25. I went to Disneyland with a group of my best friends and this picture was taken at like midnight when we left the park, completely exhausted and delirious. too good. also in my never put on facebook folder :)

26. I shared a room with Caleb from about February-April. HILARIOUS. Bub talks in his sleep. it is super funny. He also sleeps totally spread eagle, also funny. 

27. I would often wake up to pictures or notes from Natalie. This was my valentine, complete with almonds.

adorable.

28. I nannied while i was home in the winter, these are the two oldest kids Macey and Stockton.

29 & 30. snapchat. The best and worst invention of all time

the first picture is of me, patrick, janelle and rory. awk. hahaha awkward on all accounts. I was twitterpaited over patrick and let's face it, Janelle and Rory are getting married whether they like it or not so they were subject to the snapchat stalking as well.

31. Easter morning we got up really early and climbed up onto the roof to watch the sunrise. happy.

32. I babysat for the Reeds a few times while i was home, too and these girls are HILARIOUS. i didn't tell them to this. i was taking a picture of something else to send to a friend and happened to have my camera app on when i turned around to see these two goofballs. haha

33 & 34.. when the Utah sisters came to visit in March - so fun!

35. weasel trying to avoid my constant point and shoot

DEAL WITH IT, JENAE.

36 -38. ISAI!!! I love this kid. calls me randomly and invites me to see a play. uhmm, yes. done. and we wer talking about the movie 'aquamarine' and i mentioned that i'd always wanted to try ben & Jerry's phish food because of that movie. that was just a random comment. After the play we went to baskin robbins to get a vanilla cone, but it was closed. so we went to walmart and bough phish food and cheapo spoons. haha He's the best.

Phish food was good.

I still prefer vanilla. (in a sugar cone, packed by a grandma)

hipsta-hipsta Isai

39. the trip up to Idaho, my bike was completely frozen. it looked like a giant dirty popsicle. ha.

40-43. I AM SHERLOCKED

but really. one day while putting off homework in like April, I watched a movie about stephen hawking starring Benedict Cumberbatch. AAAAAAnd then he was in star Trek. aaaand then i watched Sherlock. *faints*

smitten.

and besides the handsome men, it's just a really good show! minus the awkward 30 minutes with that girl...

I JUST LOVE BENEDICT, OKAY?!

 Ignore all the pinterest tabs open in this screen shot...ha. 

THOSE CHEEKBONES.

You could cut your hand slapping his face.

done. DUN.

so i spent like 3 whole days watching the entire show and got ALL emomtionally invested but then 

*SPOILER ALERT BELOW!*

Sherlock kills himself.

WHAT THE HECK.

at first i was like THIS
and then i literally screamed this

and then i was like THIS

and then this

I was like: this...

ugh.

It was beautiful, because he did it to save John Watson's life, but STILL, SHERLOCK, WHY?!

and Watson crying at his grave. ugh. ripped me apart. 

*sigh*

ANYway. haha

today was happy. 

Really if homework if the only thing i have to complain about, It's a good life.

goodnight.