Up on mah Soap Box

When i have pent up emotions that i don't feel like putting on the internet, i type them up and save them on my computer. i literally have a folder called, "rants". I've never put any of them up here but this has just REALLY been bothering me because it. keeps. coming. up. and i know it will continue to come up for awhile. so here ya go, mom: my missionary rant.

I want to preface this by making it very clear that I LOVE missionaries. I think that giving up 18 – 24 months to teach strangers about Jesus Christ is incredibly noble. I admire all of my (67!!) friends currently serving a mission for my church and at times I envy their opportunity to live such a blessing-filled life! Even though I’m sure it’s difficult to leave your homes, learn a new language, blend into a new culture, and approach people with a religious message.

That being said, I do feel like there are people in my life who are judging me for not serving a mission. I cannot count the number of times I’ve been asked in an accusing tone why I’m not going, and I try really, really, really hard not to be offended and not to be annoyed, because I know that most of the time those people are honestly just asking and they have no idea the anxiety that comes from that question.

So this is for all the people who use, “Are you going on a mission?!” as a conversational starter:

I’m a 19 year old Mormon girl. I’m not serving a mission. I’m not married or engaged, I’m not even in a relationship. I don’t have a degree or a plan, I’m just here.

Last October I’m pretty sure that every Mormon girl aged 17-21 wanted to serve a mission, even if it was only for a split second. I did! Heck yeah I did! I LOVE to teach, and I love sharing the gospel, so for about 2 whole hours I was convinced. I was going on a mission.

After General Conference, I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed. Ecstatic. Expectant. Trying to know if I should go on a mission, but I didn't feel like I got a specific answer, So I asked again that night before I went to bed.

No.

NO?!

No.

What?!

I was baffled.

And after praying relentlessly for a week I realized that I was being really like, “answer me RIGHT NOW.” And you can’t do that, you can’t demand answers like that, so I backed off. I tried really hard to be humbler and to be still.

And then I asked again and got the distinct impression that if I REALLY wanted to go, then I should go. But if not, then I had plenty to work on here.

And then I prayed for ever trying to make myself want to go, like willing myself to want to go on a mission and I wanted to go, but I didn't WANT to go. If that makes sense. I wanted to go because it was a fad, not because I was trying to teach people about Christ, and that’s what it’s supposed to be.

And then I felt really guilty for not wanting to go. And then I felt stupid for feeling guilty. And then I came home at Christmas and of course that’s in the line of first questions out of everybody’s mouths:

SO! How was school?!

It was really great!

Oh, that’s good, are you dating anyone? *insert attempt at playful eyebrow raise*

Oh, no, it’s just me *uncomfortable chuckle*

So are you going on a mission?!

Uhhhhh, no, nope I’m not.

Oh…uhmm, well

It’s not like I can’t, I could. It’s just…I’m not.

I noticed that your best friend, your cousins, your roommates and your neighbor’s sister’s fiancé’s pet cat is going! Why don’t you want to tag along? *laugh*

And by this point I have reached one end of my high emotion scale: angry or embarrassed. Either one pushes me to tears if it’s really extreme. So I’m frustrated/sad/horrified and it’s not like I can go into this 5 minute monologue every time someone asks me that question. I know they mean well but come on, that’s kind of rude to ask someone why they’re not serving a mission. It’s personal! It’s not like I can just blurt out to every Tom Pete and Harry, “yeah, well I prayed about it and I’m confident in my decision. It’s just not what I’m going to do.” Because that’s kind of awkward to tell people, and it’s also kind of uncomfortable to hear for some reason and then what do you talk about next?  

So in real life I just say, ‘oh, well it’s just not in my plans’ or I lie and say, ‘’maybe’’.

I guess the whole point of this is just to let all the other girls who aren't going to mission know that they’re not alone! Because I feel – especially here at BYU Idaho – that EVERYONE is going on missions and that I’m like, defective, because I chose not to. And I feel like people see my choice not to serve as a declaration that I am unqualified to serve, which is not true. I would love to teach people about Christ and I would love to serve a mission if I was ever called to one.

 But the fact is? I just don’t want to. and that’s okay. I don’t have to. I am not a ‘bad mormon’ for not serving a mission. It doesn’t mean that I have less faith or determination than any of my friends who are serving, it just means that God’s plan for me is different than theirs, and that’s fine. And I can breathe and know that I’m not violating some deep law of loyalty by not serving a mission. And just because I’m choosing to stay home doesn’t mean that I necessarily have to get married right away or graduate really soon. I’m just not going on a mission. And that’s okay.

Even though I have that reassurance in my head, it is incredibly discouraging to try to explain all that to every person in my home congregation when I’m home to visit. But I do try to be really gracious and act like it’s not a hammer to the face when people ask me, because like I said, most of them truly aren’t trying to be malicious in any way.

And if you’re genuinely curious if a young person you know is serving a mission, go ahead and ask them this question instead:

“So, has the recent missionary age change affected very many people that you know?”

And if they’re planning on serving a mission themselves, then it will most definitely come up. And if they’re not, then it won’t. AND you just saved that young friend of yours a lot of anxiety. They’re probably kissing your feet with relief in their minds right now. It’s also just generally more polite to ask that question so you don’t seem like you’re prying into someone’s personal life.

AAAAAAnd. Another, shorter side rant:

Just because a woman willingly chooses to stay at home and raise a family does not in any way mean that she is thereby incapable of sustaining a different profession. Quite the contrary! It means that she has chosen the ultimate profession! The gift and rite of child-rearing is one that deserves much more respect and admiration than is currently displayed by the general public today. I pity the fool who hastily disregards a passionate homemaker as ‘just a mom’, because it is likely that he lacked such a presence In his own childhood, and that is a tragedy.

*gets off soapbox*

And that’s it.