Stupid Perfect teenager rant

You know what happens when you change the channel on your old tv and that gray/white/black fuzz comes up and you hear that awful, loud scratchy/blurry noise? That's how my brain/heart/stomach feels right now.
Tonight I unexpectedly saw a boy for whom my feelings are undecided. That's a lie, I know exactly how I feel. I haven't seen him in a long time.
And seeming him put me in a tailspin.
I hate seeing his stupid perfect eyes and his stupid perfect hair. And I hate acting indifferent to his presence when I would really just like to give his broad stupid perfect shoulders a good shake and yell, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR BRAIN RIGHT NOW, DANG IT?! TELL ME." Into his stupid perfect face.
I just want him to show some emotion for me, even if it's disgust. Because atleast then I would know instead of sitting here wondering forever.
And I want to have the courage to say something to him instead of feeling absolutely petrified every time he comes in the room.
And I want things to be like they were, and how I planned and how they were always supposed to be. And I want to admit that I was wrong and that I'm sorry and start over.

And then I want us to be happy.
Even if that means that we really are just friends and we only see each other every once in a while at the odd christmas or summer in our home ward when we come back with our separate families to visit our parents.
I could be fine with however he feels.
As long as he tells me.

And I don't care that this is on the internet, mom. And I don't care that it's vague. Deal.