The Happy Wagon

To all future boys in my life:

I seem to have a hard time with you species. I don't understand you. you probably don't understand girls either, and i don't like it when one girl tells a guy, "oh this:____ is how all girls are"

no.

i am not all girls.

i am different from most girls, dang it. and i don't know the stupid secret girl code that tells me how to flutter my eyelashes and win your heart so I'll just be really honest with you. here:

• if i make you food? crushin' big time.
•  i don't like people at my house, because then i don't have control over when things end for the night. and i feel like i have to wear makeup and not-sweatpants. i don't like people at my house for more than 2 hours, and i don't like them over late at night. guests and salmon, they say. after a few hours, they stink. SO. if i invite you over, i probably like you. 
• If i want to talk to you, i will. i don't play stupid mind games. i hope you don't either
• if i want to go out on a date with you, and you're taking to long, i'll ask you. deal with it. 
• if i let you hold my hand, i like you. if i hold YOUR hand? i must like you a lot.
• if we kiss, we're dating. so if you don't want a girlfriend, don't kiss me, it's not that hard. we can go on dates and have fun and not kiss. kissing is a big deal to me, it's commitment. i don't just go around kissing people, so don't you dare kiss me if you're not that into me. 
• i try to say what i mean and mean what i say. so don't go looking for hidden meanings or layered text messages, that's stupid. i don't do that. 
• i am not a chaser, i'm over being the 15 year old girl who goes after cute boys. 
• i love to laugh, and i laugh a lot. it's a really annoying giggle and my hard laugh sounds like a harpooned whale. you have been warned. 
• I will probably fall hard and fast for you, but don't get crazy. that doesn't mean that i'll be slipping Tiffany's catalogs into your backpack, i promise. i'm not going hurry you into anything. not all mormon girls are holding knives to their boyfriend's backs demanding a diamond, you know.
• i do not do tickling or back rubs, so you can just get that out of your head right now. 
• i don't do Will Ferrell. i just don't.
• don't give up on me and i won't give up on you.
• i am the mushies, sappiest, cheesiest, hopeless romantic you will probably ever meet. 

well this seems really cynical, but i'm just tryna help a brotha out. not that there is a boy, cause there's definitely not. but just in case there are any creepers out there...there you have it. the keys to me. dear Mallorie Lane you are hereby given the responsibility of showing this post to all prospective boys, because you know I'm not going to refer them to my blog.

here's the real kicker. the straight and easy way to my heart. I'm not exaggerating. If you want me to like you, ALL you have to do, is bring me Swedish Fish. preferably the 5lb bag. and you're set. you think i'm being sarcastic, but I'm 100% serious.