leavin leavin

"And just when you think you're sick of living here
The memory floods in
The morning light, off the fire escapes
The nights in Bennett Park, blasting big pun tapes
I'm-a miss this place, to tell you the truth"
- In The Heights finale

The Phrase "Bittersweet" is on the tip of my tongue. the definition is: both pleasant and painful.
that about sums it up.

I have always hated goodbyes. even more than i hate wet socks and washing the car.
the one thing i dislike about BYU-Idaho is that i have to say goodbye so many times because of the crazy track system. I had planned to take a ton of cute goodbye pictures with all my friends after church. didn't happen. mostly because i was practically crying the entire three hours and by the end of it, i was a hot mess.

So here's wassup: I'm leaving for Idaho in the morning and a bunch of my friends will leave on their missions while i'm up at school, so this was a "goodbye for 2 years" deal. Also, it was Fast and testimony meeting which always gets to me anyway because i'm a dang cry baby. and Our lesson in Relief Society was just what i needed to hear.
It's crazy that even though i have the worst timing in the world, and i rush into things and then i drag things on too long; God's timing is perfect.
and that's comforting.
So even though today was really rough, because i felt like the timing was bad, His timing is perfect, and that's all that really matters.

Everything is gonna be fine.
It will all work out.

we'll see.

I hate you, picasa web albums and google plus, for tricking me and ruining my life. go die.

I just found out the hard way that if you delete an album on you Picasa Web Albums account, the pictures disappear from your blog forever, even if the photos are still alive and well on your computer. they are just gone. POOF. done.
and if you haven't printed ANYTHING out from your blog since you started it years ago, you have the world's permission to cry. just go cry, because you just ruined everything.
cry cry cry and be mad at yourself.
and then shout, "I'M GONNA KILL EVERYONE! I HATE ALL THE ORPHANS IN THE WORLD!!"
and this repost this so everyone in the world can know the horror.

spigot

We live right in between two fields. Some couple who lives in England owns the lots to the left and right of us, but not ours. 

?

I am forever grateful to this nameless faceless European couple for not caring about their land other than sending someone to cut down the weeds each summer to prevent wildfires.

These fields provided literally COUNTLESS hours of play growing up. seeing Natalie and Caleb run and hide and create and dig in the same fields makes me really happy.

The other day i took them to the secret spigot. a random water spout in the farthest corner of the field to our left. i don't know why it's there, but it saved me many a hot summer afternoon. It was probably just as far to go to the kitchen for a drink, but tromping through tall weeds is way more fun, so yeah.

that wink. kill me dead.

 I don't know if Caleb is too young, but i hope Natalie remembers living here in ten years. I hope she never forgets running around in Grammy's fields or visiting grandpa Jamie out at the vineyard. I hope she never forgets all our seemingly pointless but very meaningful little chats.

I want her to remember me painting with her and calling her a jumping bean and taking pictures of every little thing she does. I just want them to remember how much i loved them.

I have been feeling a lot lately like my time is running out. I don't know if that makes sense. It's probably just because i'm starting school again. I've just been trying to like, i don't know, tell everyone everything. I just want everyone to know. That i love them, that i want the best for them, that i think about them. That there is SO much good in the world, and it's really easy to see.... excuse me for a second while i go buy some tie dye and some John Lennon glasses. peace, love, granola.

But really, I just have this crazy strong desire to shout at random people at the street, 

"DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?! I'M HAPPY!!  LET ME TELL YOU WHY I'M HAPPY! I CAN SHOW YOU HOW YOU CAN BE HAPPIER" 

but that sounds really creepy and the strangeness is only amplified when i yell it out of a car window. And people don't really like it when you tell them that Jesus is the answer to all of their problems.

But really, I've just been bursting lately. And I have no idea why. (that's a lie. I know exactly why, it's because of my journal. but that my friends is a post that is sitting and waiting to be published on the 30th of April.) I just want everyone to be happy, dang it. 

*off my soapbox*

back to the field....

We had a blast.

I go back to Rexburg in 6 days. 

I never want to leave these kids. never ever. they drive me absolutely insane some days.

But then there are those rose colored moments that erase all the crazy.

sigh.

I love them.

Not pictured? Jenna Bear. WALKING. 

yeah, she walks. like six steps at a time, but hey she WALKS! 

On Sunday I looked her straight in the eye and said, "dewwa, you have to walk before i leave!"

she giggled, like usual.

then Monday night during family home evening what does she do?

Walk. seven whole steps. and when they called me out to show me, she walked some more. I said, "Jenna you did it! Yay!"

she just smirked. like, "well, duh aunt melissa."

hap hap happy, i tell ya.

little kids

 I say little kids, but it turns out to be mostly Owen. he's such a ham! My camera is no longer a novelty to Jenna, because i'm her dang paparazzi, and she's tired of me. So she hardly ever performs for the camera anymore. And Lydia's only met me a couple of times, so she was still warming up to me. 

Owen flashed all six of his teeth any time the camera was in a foot of him. 

Lydia loved jenna! and the little kids were too cute to watch.

I love babies. LOVE them. 

I am getting two nephews and a niece this year! One in may, one in august and one in September. I could not be more excited! I love seeing my sisters as moms, it's really cool. and it hakes me happy, thinking of our family getting bigger and happier and more complete. 

love 'em all. 

I can't imagine my life without my family, especially these precious little ones.

Big Kids

My two sisters, Rebecca and Katrina, who live in Utah came to visit this week. 

I knew you guys were craving dozens of pictures of my nieces and nephews. 

so there's two posts coming up for ya. First off? the big kids. 

Katelyn, Natalie, Whitney and Caleb.

They were HILARIOUS. running around crazy and always laughing and squealing. 

I love 'em.

seriously though, picture overload. 

Best friends, best friends

 It makes me happy to watch 'em.  little friends. my cousins were my first best friends. rightly so.

Here's some Whitney for uncle Derek.

 We met up with our Cousin Christy Ann and her kids at our grandpa and Grandma Hansen's house. so many children in one place. haha

 I love cousins, I love sisters, I love grandbabies.

reading list

A friend asked if I was reading any books. I told her 12, but she didn't believe me, so I sent her this picture. Haha. at any given time there are probably three or four books in/next to my bed. mostly in it, under my pillow. right now there are more than usual. they're all really great though:

starting from the bottom up:

1. the April edition of the New Era, my favorite magazine.

2. Then "Of Pigs, Pearls and Prodigals" by John Bytheway. It goes through all the parables of Jesus in the New Testament. I bought at time out for women last month, mostly because he talks about the parable of the ten virgins, but i'm SO glad i bought it, because the whole thing is really good. I'm about a third way through.

3."The Secret Diary of Brett Colton" by Kay Lynn Magnum. one of my absolute FAVORITES. I re-read every spring. It's about a boy who dies of Leukemia but while he was sick, he wrote a journal to his baby sister. She finds it on her sixteenth birthday and UGH, it gets me every time. I honestly cry every single time. Never gets old. It's SO sweet, and love brother sister stories anyway. only a few chapters in this time around.

4. That's my journal from January-mid March of this year. journaling is it's own post entirely.

5. "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli. don't even get me STARTED. I love this book. i re-read it whenever I have a bad day. just a couple chapters and i feel better. I'm about half way through because when i get started i can't stop. haha

6."Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card. Derek tol me over the summer that i needed to read it. and the movie is coming out, so i figured, why not? one chapter in. ha. it's a little strange. I'll prolly like it, though.

7. "The Magician's Nephew" by C.S. Lewis. Decided to re-read the Chronicles of Narnia and technically this is the 'first' story. I still think the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe will always be my favorite. The Magician's Nephew is a lot different than when i read it as a fourth grader. I'm catching more of  the humor, but i'm not as gripped by the action as i was as a nine year old.

8. "Life as we knew it" by Susan Beth Pfeffer. I read this sophomore year of high school and liked it enough. it's a trilogy and the sequel wasn't great. my favorite book is the third. The series isn't necessarily great but i think it's very interesting and there are all of these tiny details that i think about all the time. like gathering half empty hotel shampoo bottles from the neighbor's abandoned bathroom.

9. Les Miserables by victor Hugo. (the abridged version) I decided to just start over every time i finish. hahaha just a continuous loop of Hugo. It's a good life.

10. That's my current journal. it's gold. I got it at tie out for women. and I loooove it.

11. Small and Simple Things by Marjorie Pay Hinckley. Just one of the ones i always have around to get some perspective.

12. Not pictured? The Doctrine and Covenants of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So good.  course study for Sunday school this year, and I like it. It was also course study my Junior year of seminary, but i haven't really read it since then, so it's a really cool experience.

Oh and those are my treasured pens. the blue Bic ball point is actually black ink, and it's for annotations. The black pen is my Smash pen that i journal with. I love. It.

and that's my reading list. 

Happy Tuesday! :)

Certain Seconds

Today, my bishop, that I look up to very much, complimented the choir on our easter worship service.

"The spirit was so strong, that I just know I'll always remember hearing you spill out your heart like that. It was powerful, and it made my easter one I don't think I'll ever forget. You did a marvelous job today."

He's one of the kindest people I know. He was talking about things we don't forget. Moments. Emotions. The powerful ones that you always remember. Even when its years later and time has smudged the details, but you can never forget how you felt right then. In a single, certain second. He said those moments were really important for us to remember, because they shape us.

So I'm going to share a couple of my shaping moments. Some I'm sure seem insignificant, but they're not. Not to me.

- me and brandon are climbing a tree. The eucalyptus on the corner by berenda. Probably third grade. We're laughing. Eating crackers. Playing and talking. I told him he was my best friend. He shoved another cracker in his mouth. He was wearing khaki shorts, a plaid buttoned up shirt and a cardinals baseball cap. His knees were scraped and one of his socks was up a lot higher than the other. He just said, "okay, melissa." And we kept playing.

- I'm in the parking lot of our church building after seminary. Laughing with nolan and ernesto. My aunt pulls up and tells me that she's taking me to school. She says my mom Is on the phone. I get in the car and take the phone. I know someone is hurt just from the way my mom says my name. We're driving out of the parking lot. Mom tells me tearfully that landon was killed in a car acccident. The world stops. Absolutley screeches to a halt. I gasp. I hear my aunt tell my cousins and they seem miles away from me when they gasp too. I squeeze my eyes shut. My mom explains what happened and who called her and asks if I want to come home. I stutter no. We're at school and I'm walking up to my friends. In shock. They know something is wrong, they ask. I tell. And when I heard myself say it outloud, I know it's real, and I breakdown in sobs. The rest of the day is slow, and gray and everyone is glancing at me nervously like they don't know what to say. Everyone is hugging me and I'm at peace with landon's death, but I'm devastated for his family and for my brother.

- I'm standing next to marissa and ernesto in a sea of people all wearing purple. The stands are shaking. We're stomping. I'm screaming so hard my throat feels on fire, but I can't hear myself over the roar of the entire school, jumping and shouting. We won! We finally won! And it's the most amazing thing to feel so connected with such a large group of people. I run out to the field, waving my sign: "This is our year". Travis catches me when I hit him at a dead run. We laugh and spin. I'm screaming, "we did it! We won!" Then there's jason and brandon and stephen and we're all yelling. The alma mater is playing and we all shove our fists in the sky. We're so happy. And it's high school in one moment. And it's 4 years all smashed into one night. And it's all the friendships and sacrifice and hope for change in one hug. And we're smiling so big our cheeks and ears and eyes hurt. There's cameras and tears and nobody sleeps a wink that night because we're all just laying in bed beaming to ourselves. We won. Finally, finally finally.

- we're talking for hours in the parking lot. we're doodling in the frost on your car window. And your eyes look honestly gold. And your smile is the most enchanting thing I've ever been the cause of. And the midnight glaring at us from the clock on the dash seems impossible. And we're laughing at nothing. And I'm falling hard, with no intention of holding back even though I know it's naive. I don't care. I'm blushing as you hug me goodbye and tell me a secret. I float all the way home, and you have no idea.

- I'm in the woods. I'm dressed in biblical costume and there's a small handmade clay lamp in my hands. It's empty. Bone dry. A minute later I'm sprinting toward a door that's swinging shut. It's like slow motion. And there are five of us running now. My body slams up against the door just as it closes. I pound on the door. I look in at the window. There's my little sister. My mother. My best friends. Their lamps are all lit. I'm weeping, because I can't go in. I didn't have enough oil. I'm ashamed and forgotten and rejected. I know that it's just acting, but the emotions are very real.
I make a promise to myself and to God to never let this happen. I promise To always be ready. To always try my best to do what's right. I finally get to go in once it's all done. We sing. I hug my sister with all the strength I can muster.
I'm changed right there.
I'm different from then on.
I know it will still be hard and I'll mess up. But I tell myself that I will never ever feel that empty again. And then there's peace. And I'm calm. And I know everything will be fine if I'm living my best everyday.

That's not all. Just the first five that came to mind when bishop was talking about moments. I thought: skinned up knees. Landon. Football. Gold. Ten virgins.
And I'll probably end up doing these a lot. It's theraputic. You should try it. I'd love to read them!

Happy Easter!