Certain Seconds

Today, my bishop, that I look up to very much, complimented the choir on our easter worship service.

"The spirit was so strong, that I just know I'll always remember hearing you spill out your heart like that. It was powerful, and it made my easter one I don't think I'll ever forget. You did a marvelous job today."

He's one of the kindest people I know. He was talking about things we don't forget. Moments. Emotions. The powerful ones that you always remember. Even when its years later and time has smudged the details, but you can never forget how you felt right then. In a single, certain second. He said those moments were really important for us to remember, because they shape us.

So I'm going to share a couple of my shaping moments. Some I'm sure seem insignificant, but they're not. Not to me.

- me and brandon are climbing a tree. The eucalyptus on the corner by berenda. Probably third grade. We're laughing. Eating crackers. Playing and talking. I told him he was my best friend. He shoved another cracker in his mouth. He was wearing khaki shorts, a plaid buttoned up shirt and a cardinals baseball cap. His knees were scraped and one of his socks was up a lot higher than the other. He just said, "okay, melissa." And we kept playing.

- I'm in the parking lot of our church building after seminary. Laughing with nolan and ernesto. My aunt pulls up and tells me that she's taking me to school. She says my mom Is on the phone. I get in the car and take the phone. I know someone is hurt just from the way my mom says my name. We're driving out of the parking lot. Mom tells me tearfully that landon was killed in a car acccident. The world stops. Absolutley screeches to a halt. I gasp. I hear my aunt tell my cousins and they seem miles away from me when they gasp too. I squeeze my eyes shut. My mom explains what happened and who called her and asks if I want to come home. I stutter no. We're at school and I'm walking up to my friends. In shock. They know something is wrong, they ask. I tell. And when I heard myself say it outloud, I know it's real, and I breakdown in sobs. The rest of the day is slow, and gray and everyone is glancing at me nervously like they don't know what to say. Everyone is hugging me and I'm at peace with landon's death, but I'm devastated for his family and for my brother.

- I'm standing next to marissa and ernesto in a sea of people all wearing purple. The stands are shaking. We're stomping. I'm screaming so hard my throat feels on fire, but I can't hear myself over the roar of the entire school, jumping and shouting. We won! We finally won! And it's the most amazing thing to feel so connected with such a large group of people. I run out to the field, waving my sign: "This is our year". Travis catches me when I hit him at a dead run. We laugh and spin. I'm screaming, "we did it! We won!" Then there's jason and brandon and stephen and we're all yelling. The alma mater is playing and we all shove our fists in the sky. We're so happy. And it's high school in one moment. And it's 4 years all smashed into one night. And it's all the friendships and sacrifice and hope for change in one hug. And we're smiling so big our cheeks and ears and eyes hurt. There's cameras and tears and nobody sleeps a wink that night because we're all just laying in bed beaming to ourselves. We won. Finally, finally finally.

- we're talking for hours in the parking lot. we're doodling in the frost on your car window. And your eyes look honestly gold. And your smile is the most enchanting thing I've ever been the cause of. And the midnight glaring at us from the clock on the dash seems impossible. And we're laughing at nothing. And I'm falling hard, with no intention of holding back even though I know it's naive. I don't care. I'm blushing as you hug me goodbye and tell me a secret. I float all the way home, and you have no idea.

- I'm in the woods. I'm dressed in biblical costume and there's a small handmade clay lamp in my hands. It's empty. Bone dry. A minute later I'm sprinting toward a door that's swinging shut. It's like slow motion. And there are five of us running now. My body slams up against the door just as it closes. I pound on the door. I look in at the window. There's my little sister. My mother. My best friends. Their lamps are all lit. I'm weeping, because I can't go in. I didn't have enough oil. I'm ashamed and forgotten and rejected. I know that it's just acting, but the emotions are very real.
I make a promise to myself and to God to never let this happen. I promise To always be ready. To always try my best to do what's right. I finally get to go in once it's all done. We sing. I hug my sister with all the strength I can muster.
I'm changed right there.
I'm different from then on.
I know it will still be hard and I'll mess up. But I tell myself that I will never ever feel that empty again. And then there's peace. And I'm calm. And I know everything will be fine if I'm living my best everyday.

That's not all. Just the first five that came to mind when bishop was talking about moments. I thought: skinned up knees. Landon. Football. Gold. Ten virgins.
And I'll probably end up doing these a lot. It's theraputic. You should try it. I'd love to read them!

Happy Easter!