Jay

well this is awkward.  only because it was recent. and one of the biggest mistakes of my dang life.

Senior year, i was ridiculously happy with everything in my life. Both of my brothers were home from their missions. I was in a good place spiritually, my school was incredible, i had leads in plays, i was in ASB and everything was going A okay for me. it was almost perfect. and i had a firm plan to stay single and not worry about boys for a long, long, long time.
But then Jay was a dang sneaky snake and pounced when i was vulnerable.

You see, all through Seussical, I needed someone to believe in me. And MAN did Jay believe in me! I know I would not have been able to be Gertrude if he hadn't been cheering me on the entire way. which sounds like i wasn't confident. But i just needed someone to encourage me backstage and he was it.

After Seussical, I needed a best friend. Because my best friend Marissa had a boyfriend and we were also just sadly drifting apart. we wanted different things. So Jay was a great best friend. He was kind, and he listened to me rant and he didn't judge me for wearing crocs and a fanny pack. He was an awesome friend, but not so great when he became my boyfriend. Because he pressured me and lied to me and cheated on me with my "friends" and didn't care about me unless i was in the same room as him. it was one of those, "I'll sweet talk you into my web, and then once you're there I'll wrap you up and kill you so i can eat you later for supper" deals. but i stayed with him because he made me feel wanted. kind of.

I LOVE theater And my entire life, ever since I can remember, I've pictured myself up on that stage belting a song to the audience. And I've always dreamed of winning an award on that Amador stage. Ahh, the prestige of it all! Haha. But really, ever since I was little I've wanted it more than I can say. But I've never been good at monologues I’m not a strong single actor, I need other people to bounce off of, and he was PERFECT for that. We kicked MAJOR BUTT with our scene. And who cares about second place, what does ‘second’ mean? I sure don’t know, because we flipping won that competition, I don’t care what anyone says! I needed him for that, and he never let me down in theater.

in theater. 

in theater.

Once school ended, I needed someone to distract me from the fact that college was coming up and I was leaving soon, and he was perfect for that too. But then we both changed. I don’t know exactly how or when It happened, but it did. Because we didn't see each other in school, we had to make an effort to see each other. And that just didn’t happen. Because I knew I was going away to school, and he only wanted a girlfriend so he could have someone to call when he was bored.

He liked me as an object, not as a person. and if anyone thinks that's an incorrect statement, then i'd be glad to hear one instance in which he showed me that he cared about me because of me and not because i was a girl who would give him attention. just one.

I started seeing faults, and I’m sure he saw that I wasn't perfect either. He didn't care anymore. because we both knew that it would end soon, so eventually we both stopped trying altogether, and finally it ended and i was free. I'm sure he felt liberated too. he didn't have to feel guilty about being the ball and chain around my ankle.
I’m really sorry that he doesn't / didn't understand why I wouldn't do stuff. I’m sorry that I made him mad. I’m also sorry that I did do some things. I’m disappointed that I lowered my standards, even if it was only a little. I know he doesn't understand my choices, but I guess I just hoped that he would have respected them more. But he didn't try to understand my beliefs at all, and in the end that's what ended things. we were just too different. In the end i'm sure we both wondered why we were ever together. Everyone wondered that the whole time we were dating and i could never give them an answer. all my friends warned me not to. they all said he wasn't right for me. i guess it's like that hot stove that every kid has to touch in order to learn how bad it feels afterward.

I like this picture because it perfectly describes our relationship: me trying really hard and him not caring at all. also, kareem abdul Jabar? yes.

I feel a little bit bad that this has turned into a smash Jay post, but not really bad...just a little. because he made me look like an idiot for months, and he lied to me and used me and wasted a bunch of my kisses. I dislike that the most. because i don't kiss people. Kissing is a huge deal for me and he took advantage of the fact that I'm overly trusting. I hate that i ignored my family and closest friends and dated him even though i KNEW that it was literally going to be poison.

I hope that someday, I can look back on this and be thankful for the lessons i learned. some days i feel like i'm there. and other days i just want to drive to his house and give him a piece of my mind.

Someday i hope i can fully forgive him for tainting me. And I hope that Jenae learns from this. just don't waste your time with high school boys. it doesn't last. it doesn't work. it's not worth it. you will get burned.

 I can be grateful for Jay though. Because he taught be all the things that i don't want in a relationship. So thanks Jay for helping me learn how to be miserable. and thank you for helping me decide that i will never settle, ever again. and that i deserve a worthy, happy man who is going to respect me and take me to the temple. And thank you for helping me reach a better understanding of the atonement. That realization happened, and i actually am incredibly grateful for that experience. so those are two good things that came from our relationship...thanks for that.

so there's Jay; the friend turned boyfriend who ruined me but taught me that i deserve the world.

sorry for the rant guys. but actually i'm not really sorry, because I've been wanting to get that out for a long, long time. so thanks invisible internet friends, again, for being so accepting of my moody 18 year old self.





and the last judgement you can make of me is this; our song was "Dancing Away With My Heart" by Lady Antebellum. just don't hate me, alright?


and thus ends the Boys I've dated series.