Derek and Raycelan

I have a brother named Derek.

He is one of my favorite people on the planet. 

He is my very best friend. 

He's getting married in 46 days, and i couldn't be happier for him. I dearly, dearly, love Raycelan. she is a beautiful soul, and the perfect match for Derek. 

I'm grateful that i love her so much, because it makes this whole thing a little bit easier. 

a little bit. 

for years, i was Derek's shadow. but especially since he's been home from his mission, we've become thick as thieves. This summer we lived just a few doors down from each other in good ol' Cinnamon Tree Apartments in Provo. It was sincerely the best summer of my life, because i was confident and happy and obedient to the commandments. 

Derek had a lot to do with that. 

If it weren't for Derek, i don't know where i'd be. 

I've been in Provo this weekend for an interview, and i'm staying with Raycelan. 

Last night, at curfew, i came back to Raycelan's, and joined she and Derek for nightly scripture study and prayer. 

I love those two. 

afterward, i had to get something out of the car, and Derek was walking home. i was at one set of stairs and he was at the other, across the complex quad. 

it was a little past midnight. 

in a second i saw every night over the summer that i said goodnight to him across the quad. and i saw all the times we laughed over the summer. and i was overwhelmed with gratitude for that summer, and for that brother across the quad. I whispered, "HEY DEREK"

"WHAT"

"I'M JUST REAL GLAD THAT WE LIVED HERE TOGETHER."

because i was. 

and i am. 

______________________________________________________________________

I don't talk about it on my blog, but i have inner ear problems. 

there are many symptoms, and I've learned to deal with it in a way that sill allows me to live my life, but the 'episodes' been getting more frequent and overpowering. 

On New Year's Day, i was in Provo, we were all at Raycelan's apartment. I was in the back bedroom, packing my things back into my bags, getting ready to leave, and i had a bad 'episode'. This is what i wrote in my journal:

"my ear pain was making me nauseous. I tried to breathe through it as usual, but was still crying as i folded my clothes. When i tried to pick up my dufflebag (It wasn't/isn't really that heavy at all.) it was heavy. I got insanely dizzy. Black spots were dancing in front of me and i felt myself sway. I braced myself against the bed and desk and tried to just tough it out, because that's usually what i do.

'breeeeeeathe' I kept saying. I felt a little like a woman in labor, haha. But it wasn't funny in the moment. I tried to call for help but i was too dizzy to think straight. Then the ringing started, amplifying the pain. I called out, 'Rayce! Can you help me?'

I'm sure she thought i was talking about my bags, So i felt bad when she came in and gasped. Once she came in i realized how weird i was standing to keep my balance, and i became aware of the tears streaming down my face. I couldn't really sick without feeling like i was gonna be sick, but i choked out, "I'm really dizzy. Can you take this, please?" and put my hand on my dufflebag."'Of course!' she said, but first she wrapped her arm around my waist and help me stand up straight to lean against the bed. Then she asked, 'What can i do?'

'Nothing. Thank you. Just take this please.'

She took it out and i heard Derek ask, 'what's wrong?' and then a mumbled answer, followed by big footsteps. Then, 'Melissa?' and a strong hand on my back. Derek spoke softly, 'what can i do?' I was sobbing and trying to take deep breaths and keep my eyes open, but i just said, 'I just have to wait it out. It will go.'

He rubbed my back, 'I'm sorry'

I kept breathing.

the pain was waning. I mumbled, 'I feel dumb,'

'Don't you dare, Melissa. You can't help it. And i'm here to help you.'"

"...The Nausea lifted. I tried to explain what i was feeling. The vertigo was subsiding, the world slowing back to normal. I stood up but kept my hand braced on the desk. Derek stepped forward and wrapped me up in his arms. I cried when he said, 'I wish there was a way to help you.'

I mumbled into his chest, 'I'm fine now. it usually goes as quickly as it comes when it's that intense.'

He said, 'I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It seems really hard.'

'It sucks. real bad.'

'I know.'

and we stood there for a bit until i was done crying and my brain was done spinning. 

He said, 'I love you, Melissa.'

I said, 'I love you Derek.'

'We don't have to go see a movie tonight.'

'I think i'd just like to sit down.'

*laughs* 'we can do that.'

but we stayed in the doorway of the room for a minute. He said, 'I don't want you to go to Orem right away. I want you to stay here and do something fun with me.'

'I want to do something fun, too! Because it's like...the...' new tears almost escaped, but they were from my heart, not my ear. 'It's...you know what i mean...'"

because how do i describe the feelings that were in my heart? How could i show him the juxtaposition of my thrill for his life moving forward with Raycelan intertwined with my despair in the ending of this close time in our lives?

"'Yeah, i do' He said. ...

This was probably the last real time we'd be alone, and i was a bit surprised by the potency of my sadness. the era of  'Dawgs' is over. I couldn't be happier for Derek that he is in love. And i adore Raycelan. But it is just a bit depressing. Even this summer, when i'm back again for Sports Camps, all of Derek's free time will be spent with Raycelan. and so it should be!! but i will miss him. 

i will miss us. 

All of that passed mutually between us just then. I knew he understood my sadness, and he knew i understood his bittersweet joy. And we loved each other nonetheless. 

We sighed, and then walked out to the living room with one arm around each other. I went right up to Raycelan, 'I'm sorry i was being iritable earlier. i wasn't mad at you. My ear hurt and i wasn't sure how to deal with it. I'm sorry.' and we had a nice big hug. 

Then Derek turned on High School Musical songs on full blast and we danced like idiots while Raycelan made Rice and Rolls in the kitchen and Jonathan pretended he was too cool to dance with us." I rang in the new year heralding the old one. I decided to embrace this change for all it is worth. This is the happiest time of Derek's life, and he deserves it. 

Raycelan completes him better than any other person he's known. 

I finished Sense and Sensibility last Friday, and at the very end, when it all miraculously works out and all is well, Jane Austen says something exquisite about two of the characters that immediately reminded me of my dear brother and his sweetheart, so I've substituted the character's names for theirs:

"[Derek] was now as happy as all those who best loved him believed he deserved to be; In [Raycelan] he was consoled for every past affliction." (Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility Ch.50)

Derek and Raycelan will be sealed for Time and all Eternity in the Oakland Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on May 15, 2015. I am thrilled for them.

Derek and Raycelan have found, and exemplify, a love that i thought only existed in novels and films. They compliment each other. They lift one another. 

Derek is truly happier than i have ever seen him to be. 

How can i not rejoice over that?

May you have many Happy Returns, Brother. 

love, Melissa Michiale.

A genuine request.

I could definitely use some prayers right about now.

My to-do list is literally 4 pages long on Microsoft Word. Not kidding at all. the next 2 days are the Apex of my semester and i sincerely don't think there are enough hours between now and midnight on Thursday for me to finish everything that i MUST. GET. DONE.
but staying awake for 72 hours straight is not an option.

So if you could just pray for me, i would really, really, really appreciate it.



I need answers. I need to focus. and i need to remain calm.



I'm trying really hard to concentrate on what i have already done so that i don't get overwhelmed. I'm also reminding myself every five seconds that i am being crazy blessed this semester. it's helping, it really is. but i'm still silently screaming over here. I feel almost underwater.

Thank you.
Truly.
Thank you.

melissa michiale

Happy Hansen Day 2015!

My Family has our own holiday. we celebrate the day that our parents got engaged. because we're cool like that. and because my dad asked 3 times before my mom said yes :)

it's just a fun day to celebrate each other and our heritage. 

My family is my strength.

every year, we each get an award that begins with "H" like, "high water Hansen" when we grow a ton in one year, or "Hufflepuff Hansen" because, duh, that's me. my favorite one as a kid was the "Hideout Hansen" I LOVED making forts and tree houses and the like, so this was a real honor. haha. this year i got.....drum rollllllll: 

My mom described this as,"In honor of your having the heart to withstand So many challenges this year you get the Hearty Hansen Award. Not like a hearty bowl of soup like a hearty redwood tree that had survived the lightning strike in a fire you can withstand it all."

woohoo! I'm resilient! :)

Happy Hansen Day, Siblings! :)

Here's to you, dads.

Today i am grateful for all the incredible dads who have impacted me over the course of my life.
my own father obviously. But all the other Dads i know who are just sincerely trying to do what's right.

Thank you for being an example of what i should be looking for, and who i need to be.

Thanks, guys.

to the girl in class perusing pinterest

stop it.
you're obnoxious and distracting.

you come to class late immediately get on your computer and refuse to participate in discussion. then you laugh out loud at jokes that you read online. then you loudly pack up and leave RIGHT as the clock strikes 12:30, in the middle of the professor's final thoughts which are often the most poignant, and it reeeeeeally grinds my gears.
It would be bad enough if you were just on pinterest, ignoring the wealth of knowledge being placed before you, but you are incessantly swim suit shopping. While you're clicking through full screen photos of women in bikinis the rest of are trying to unravel the mysteries of Moses and Abraham. Your scrolling through cleavage and lace really isn't helping anyone focus. It's also driving away the Spirit that the professor and those of us who care about the scriptures are trying to bring and bask in.
You're ruining this experience not just for yourself, but for literally everyone behind you. Since you sit in the front row, that's everyone.

So if you could please just STOP that'd be great.

just be respectful, dang it.

March 2-7

I entered a contest to go to an Imagine Dragons concert. I wanted Derek to make this video. it would have been much funnier. nonetheless:

I found a goldfish in my bag that was connected to it's partner, so naturally i set it aside to take a picture of it later. but when i reached into the bag for another fish, it was the SAME THING! DOUBLE FISHIES ALL AROUND!

Stephanie and Sophia bought us all matching hideous cheetah print sandals. and whenever the three of us go out, they insist that we all wear them. 

also, on this particular outing to Joann's/Cafe Rio, i lent them both a fanny pack. you know. so we could match completely. 

I mistakenly recomended the Cocoa Lodge to Sophia, because she literally drinks a cup of hot chocolate every. single. morning. and ever. single. night. 

I don't even like hot chocolate, but this place is good. 

Maybe i shouldn't have introduced her, though, because we've gone every Friday since. #helpme 

20 minutes after i took the above pictures, i chopped some bangs onto my head. because. 

and then we went to a bonfire with our FHE boys!

it was really fun except for when we each almost gone a fine for burning wood that had nails in it. rough. and it was freezing. BUT Sophia and I prepared some KICK TRASH tinfoil dinners that turned out to be the bomb.com, and i got to wear my beanie, so it's all good. 

that morning, a boy who had served a mission with Stephanie got married, so it was kind of a mini mission reunion. 

Sister Guzy, Sister Bateman, and Stephanie, or sister Blackham, all served their mission in my home town and i went to appointments and things with them frequently, so we got to be pretty great friends. I live with Steph, obvi. but Sisters guzy and Bateman came up for the wedding of their friend, and then spent the night at my house!!!

[Riley, Me, and Haley, in Fresno, June 2014]

i literally do not have a single picture of me and steph while she served in fresno, which is bummy. BUT i do have this picture that i took of her IN fresno. March 2014.

and here we all are! reunited! trying to throw some Fresno gang signs, and failing. ha. 

happy happy happy

CFM for life. 

Art Therapy

I've been doing a bunch of art-ish things for preschool lately, and trying to encourage creative art for the students. 

I made a brick wall for a pizzeria dramatic play area one day. i didn't get a picture of it all set up, but i was proud of it. ha. 

The children painted these over the past few weeks

and i did this during a preschool curriculum class one day. it's Moses 4, and Genesis 1-7

My friend Kevin (Kebin) got me a FLIPPING BEATLES POSTER. 

JUST BECAUSE HE'S A REAL HOMIE. 

and i do puzzles. for fawwwwn

and i also consider braiding Steph's hair every night to be artsy. 

her hair is beautiful. 

aaaaanyway. i do these things to destress and take my mind off things.
oneday, we were all pretty stressed, so we skipped class and ran to Wal Mart for some supplies and then i introduced them to art therapy. painting/creating in general through my emotions has seriously become a huge help for me. 

on that specific afternoon we watched the Extremely Goofy Movie while we painted. 

I did these:

Sophia painted Snow White and Prince charming, and since that day there have many princesses painted/colored by our roommates and friends. Our living room has become an art gallery.

the small two originals  above the window are by Stephanie and Kevin. beautiful.

haha. a sandwich. my true love.

And i painted this. based on my favorite New Testament story. Mark 5:1-20.

Also!
i made dis.

and taped it to the window.

at like 4 am. cause that's when i finished it. haha.

and that's the story of my art therapy for today. 

k thanks, bye. 

Personal Progress/ Why I Love These Roommates

Since Sports Camps, my mantra has been, "I Wanna Get better". One of the things i considered doing to improve myself was starting 'Personal Progress' again. 

Personal Progress is a program created for young women aged 12-18 in the mormon church. 

But you don't have to be a teenage mormon girl to do it. 

The program is there to help anyone, but specifically young girls, become independent, self-reliant, confident, and virtuous people. it's a goal-setting program. There are 8 "values" in the program, each of which has 4-6 "experiences" or challenges to complete. they can take a few minutes or a few weeks to complete, and each one is designed to help foster attributes of Jesus Christ. typically, a young woman is encouraged to set goals and work through this program during her teenage years, and at the end, she is blessed with all the values and habits she developed throughout the process. as an outward token of her achievement, she is given a medallion.

anyway.

I felt again last semester, strongly, that i should start the program again, for the fourth time in my life. So i resolved to complete it in 2015, between January 1 and December 31.

I invited my roommates Sophia and Stephanie to bring back a copy of the Personal Progress booklet when they came back for winter semester.

so we all brought one. 

and on the first Sunday of the semester I told Sophia and Steph my full plan. they supported me. So we sat our apartment down and talked. I told them straight out that i had this goal for myself, but that i would love to do it as an apartment. I told them that i wanted to have roommate council every Sunday night, so that we could have a for sure platform to air any concerns or to express thanks. I told them that i wanted to start a new Personal Progress 'experience' every week, and read the scriptures and discuss the questions a few a day throughout the week. I said that i wanted to have a prayer together as an apartment every night after we read. that we'd go in age order (oldest to youngest). I proposed that in council, we go around in reverse age order (youngest to oldest) and say one thing we're grateful for or enjoyed from the week, one thing we think needs to improve in the apartment, and if there's anything we need help with that week. 

and then i took a big breath.

and waited. 

and to my surprise and joy, the incoming three were thrilled to join us!

IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.

I LOVE THESE GIRLS. 

we do exactly what i hoped we would, and it has knit us closer together than i thought!

We have only missed once, all semester, i'm pretty proud of us. 

that being said, don't think that it's all peaches and cream over here. There are days when we're all super tense and hating each other in our brains. or out loud, haha. 

a couple weeks ago, Satan was working REAL hard against us, and laughing at us bickering with each other.
some nights when i call everyone in for prayer, there's a general unspoken groan, and i feel annoying. But one night in particular, there was seriously tangible enmity when i asked everyone to come into the room. we had a ROUGH council. i struggled to stay impartial and keep us productive. Everyone was heated. Then it was time to pray, and i don't remember whose turn it was, but right before they began, i sped through a quick silent prayer in my heart that we would be able to feel or see or hear or SOMETHING the blessings we've been getting from doing this together. That we'd be able to feel it that night, because we needed a witness that this was profitable. 

whoever's turn it was to pray, prayed. 

and then we all split really fast back to our individual activities. 

after a few minutes, one girl, who was in the shower, came out hurriedly and asked for our attention. she then offered a literal perfect solution to the main problem we'd been discussing at council. 

it was so obvious, but none of us had thought of it. 

and honestly i thikn that if the solution had been offered by anyone but her it would have been swept under the rug. 

but she offered it sincerely, and it was unanimously accepted. 

and you guys, the immediate confirmation from the Spirit was insane. 

it rushed throughout the whole house, and we all just kind of looked around at each other with epiphanied faces.
That roommate left the room, and another roommate and i locked eyes. we were both tearing up. we hugged. and then all of a sudden, like someone was dumping a bucket of photos onto my head and lap, i saw split seconds of all these wonderful happy moments from the semester. tender mercies from God. little tiny blessings that had gone unnoticed. 

fresh tears.

and in the same kind of instantaneous understanding, i knew that all those tiny blessings were the direct result of trying so hard as an apartment to be good and united and productive. 

It's hard to describe what happened next. 

I don't want to compare it to the day of pentecost, hahaha

but everyone started talking all at once. it's like, without even saying it, we knew we were all thinking the same thing. 

we all ended up in my room, on me and stephanie's beds, talking about how many good things have come of our commitment to be uplifted every day as an apartment. the lists kept going, and going, and the tears kept coming, with smiles all around. 

I said, "We just have to remember the way we're all feeling right now. because this is abnormal. this is exceptional, and this is the way it should be. it can be. We're all going to have to keep working hard to be good and come together, but we can do it. Whenever it's hard, it's just because stupid dang Satan knows that we have such potential to be great friends, so of course he's going to enhance the bad things. he doesn't want us to get along. We just have to push through it. we're gonna make it, because we're gonna remember what our hearts feel like right this second."

i still so believe that.

This content feeling in my heart is very welcome. i don't want it to leave. I know it will stay as long as i'm doing the things that i should. 

I can't say how grateful i am for these girls, who agreed to help me be better. 

I'm thankful for Personal Progress, because it gives us weekly apartment goals, and topics for uplifting, thought provoking discussion.

I love these girls. 

I love Personal Progress.

I'm glad to be doing this again. it's for any age.