Derek and Raycelan

I have a brother named Derek.

He is one of my favorite people on the planet. 

He is my very best friend. 

He's getting married in 46 days, and i couldn't be happier for him. I dearly, dearly, love Raycelan. she is a beautiful soul, and the perfect match for Derek. 

I'm grateful that i love her so much, because it makes this whole thing a little bit easier. 

a little bit. 

for years, i was Derek's shadow. but especially since he's been home from his mission, we've become thick as thieves. This summer we lived just a few doors down from each other in good ol' Cinnamon Tree Apartments in Provo. It was sincerely the best summer of my life, because i was confident and happy and obedient to the commandments. 

Derek had a lot to do with that. 

If it weren't for Derek, i don't know where i'd be. 

I've been in Provo this weekend for an interview, and i'm staying with Raycelan. 

Last night, at curfew, i came back to Raycelan's, and joined she and Derek for nightly scripture study and prayer. 

I love those two. 

afterward, i had to get something out of the car, and Derek was walking home. i was at one set of stairs and he was at the other, across the complex quad. 

it was a little past midnight. 

in a second i saw every night over the summer that i said goodnight to him across the quad. and i saw all the times we laughed over the summer. and i was overwhelmed with gratitude for that summer, and for that brother across the quad. I whispered, "HEY DEREK"

"WHAT"

"I'M JUST REAL GLAD THAT WE LIVED HERE TOGETHER."

because i was. 

and i am. 

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I don't talk about it on my blog, but i have inner ear problems. 

there are many symptoms, and I've learned to deal with it in a way that sill allows me to live my life, but the 'episodes' been getting more frequent and overpowering. 

On New Year's Day, i was in Provo, we were all at Raycelan's apartment. I was in the back bedroom, packing my things back into my bags, getting ready to leave, and i had a bad 'episode'. This is what i wrote in my journal:

"my ear pain was making me nauseous. I tried to breathe through it as usual, but was still crying as i folded my clothes. When i tried to pick up my dufflebag (It wasn't/isn't really that heavy at all.) it was heavy. I got insanely dizzy. Black spots were dancing in front of me and i felt myself sway. I braced myself against the bed and desk and tried to just tough it out, because that's usually what i do.

'breeeeeeathe' I kept saying. I felt a little like a woman in labor, haha. But it wasn't funny in the moment. I tried to call for help but i was too dizzy to think straight. Then the ringing started, amplifying the pain. I called out, 'Rayce! Can you help me?'

I'm sure she thought i was talking about my bags, So i felt bad when she came in and gasped. Once she came in i realized how weird i was standing to keep my balance, and i became aware of the tears streaming down my face. I couldn't really sick without feeling like i was gonna be sick, but i choked out, "I'm really dizzy. Can you take this, please?" and put my hand on my dufflebag."'Of course!' she said, but first she wrapped her arm around my waist and help me stand up straight to lean against the bed. Then she asked, 'What can i do?'

'Nothing. Thank you. Just take this please.'

She took it out and i heard Derek ask, 'what's wrong?' and then a mumbled answer, followed by big footsteps. Then, 'Melissa?' and a strong hand on my back. Derek spoke softly, 'what can i do?' I was sobbing and trying to take deep breaths and keep my eyes open, but i just said, 'I just have to wait it out. It will go.'

He rubbed my back, 'I'm sorry'

I kept breathing.

the pain was waning. I mumbled, 'I feel dumb,'

'Don't you dare, Melissa. You can't help it. And i'm here to help you.'"

"...The Nausea lifted. I tried to explain what i was feeling. The vertigo was subsiding, the world slowing back to normal. I stood up but kept my hand braced on the desk. Derek stepped forward and wrapped me up in his arms. I cried when he said, 'I wish there was a way to help you.'

I mumbled into his chest, 'I'm fine now. it usually goes as quickly as it comes when it's that intense.'

He said, 'I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It seems really hard.'

'It sucks. real bad.'

'I know.'

and we stood there for a bit until i was done crying and my brain was done spinning. 

He said, 'I love you, Melissa.'

I said, 'I love you Derek.'

'We don't have to go see a movie tonight.'

'I think i'd just like to sit down.'

*laughs* 'we can do that.'

but we stayed in the doorway of the room for a minute. He said, 'I don't want you to go to Orem right away. I want you to stay here and do something fun with me.'

'I want to do something fun, too! Because it's like...the...' new tears almost escaped, but they were from my heart, not my ear. 'It's...you know what i mean...'"

because how do i describe the feelings that were in my heart? How could i show him the juxtaposition of my thrill for his life moving forward with Raycelan intertwined with my despair in the ending of this close time in our lives?

"'Yeah, i do' He said. ...

This was probably the last real time we'd be alone, and i was a bit surprised by the potency of my sadness. the era of  'Dawgs' is over. I couldn't be happier for Derek that he is in love. And i adore Raycelan. But it is just a bit depressing. Even this summer, when i'm back again for Sports Camps, all of Derek's free time will be spent with Raycelan. and so it should be!! but i will miss him. 

i will miss us. 

All of that passed mutually between us just then. I knew he understood my sadness, and he knew i understood his bittersweet joy. And we loved each other nonetheless. 

We sighed, and then walked out to the living room with one arm around each other. I went right up to Raycelan, 'I'm sorry i was being iritable earlier. i wasn't mad at you. My ear hurt and i wasn't sure how to deal with it. I'm sorry.' and we had a nice big hug. 

Then Derek turned on High School Musical songs on full blast and we danced like idiots while Raycelan made Rice and Rolls in the kitchen and Jonathan pretended he was too cool to dance with us." I rang in the new year heralding the old one. I decided to embrace this change for all it is worth. This is the happiest time of Derek's life, and he deserves it. 

Raycelan completes him better than any other person he's known. 

I finished Sense and Sensibility last Friday, and at the very end, when it all miraculously works out and all is well, Jane Austen says something exquisite about two of the characters that immediately reminded me of my dear brother and his sweetheart, so I've substituted the character's names for theirs:

"[Derek] was now as happy as all those who best loved him believed he deserved to be; In [Raycelan] he was consoled for every past affliction." (Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility Ch.50)

Derek and Raycelan will be sealed for Time and all Eternity in the Oakland Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on May 15, 2015. I am thrilled for them.

Derek and Raycelan have found, and exemplify, a love that i thought only existed in novels and films. They compliment each other. They lift one another. 

Derek is truly happier than i have ever seen him to be. 

How can i not rejoice over that?

May you have many Happy Returns, Brother. 

love, Melissa Michiale.