The Hike

FIRST of all.

when i logged in just now, my blog had 1,984 page views. WOW! thanks guys, i feel special! 

oh yeah, and uhmm shout out to Mrs.Watterson because 1,984? 19...84... 1984.

moving on:

I have a hard time putting into words how i feel sometimes. it's definitely a problem. and i can only imagine it's going to make for a really awkward DTR someday. ha. 

I can talk for days. but not if it's about something important to me. which is weird, no?

anyway, 

Saturday morning we woke up with the sun to climb limestone peak. isn't it crazy how bright the sky can be when you can't even see the sun yet? I love sunrises. they're beautiful. and they feel good.

Me, Derek, Jonathan, Jenae, Dad and a few other cousins were all in the 'later' group. even though we left the same time as the first group. They just took ATVs for the first mile or so that is a little hill thing thang. cheaters! haha, but the walking part was the most difficult for me so i needed to walk it.

at the risk of sounding really whiny, i'm going to explain something.

I have pretty bad asthma. It's been okay the past couple years. It hit a peak my sophomore year during Water polo season. I literally had to take steroids to force open my lungs because my body wasn't doing it on it's own. I remember at the beginning of the game, the counter on my inhaler said there were 60 puffs left. and at the game there were 16. that was scary. not only because i hadn't realized how often i needed it, but also because i was literally getting addicted to my inhaler. that afternoon when we went to get my steroid shot, my doctor FREAKED out when he knew how much i had been taking. It was bad. Ever since then I've always been hesitant to take it. Because i don't wanna just keep puffing and puffing for no reason, you know? but honestly sometimes the inhaler clicks like it released something. But you breathe at the wrong time or the puff was teeny tiny and you honestly don't get anything so you have to do it again. 

Also?

I get dehydrated really quickly. last summer during EFY i threw up and passed out one morning. and the next week at girls camp i threw up a gazillion times. okay not a gazillion. but it made me really mad. because it's 100% preventable. i was just being lazy. I have to drink like a billion cups of water every dang day and usually it's fine but at the reunion we were in the dang desert! and i really thought i was doing fine! i had been drinking as much water as i normally do, which was the problem. normally, at home a few cups a day is fine but in the Nevada sun, that wasn't cutting it. So i woke up Friday morning with a splitting - like, your head is going to crack in half - headache. I told my mom, but i didn't want to complain to Derek or my cousins and look like a baby who was trying to get out of hiking. so i drank like 10 paper cups full of water. it kind of helped. And i tried to eat a granola bar. didn't want to go down. fun. 

Once i realized it wasn't going to go away quick i was nervous, but we started off on the hike! so...i lost my first chance to ditch.

to get up the first little lump of a hill, you almost have to just go at it at a dead run.

ugh.

If there is ONE thing i hate it is running. i DESPISE running with every fiber in my dang flipping body.

and walking that dang hill, i was pretty sure i was going to die. hahaha. 

and i just kept picturing my self passing out while climbing up the face of the mountain. and dying. 

My dad said, "oh, you're fine" when he saw me puffing my inhaler sneakily in the back of the group.

My dad caught this gila monster look a like. haha uncle James was like, "can you imagine what he'll write in his journal tonight?! 'twelve GIANTS pulled me out from under my safe little bush. the squeezed me until i thought i would POP! and right when it thought i had no hope, i managed to wriggle myself free from their carnivorous clutches!'" so on and so forth. He kept referencing the lizard for the rest of the hike and it was hilarious every time. tahaha.

right after my dad put down the lizard, i held Dad back as everyone kept walking and told him that i really didn't know if i should climb the mountain with them. He gave that look. you know, THAT look. the jamie-questioning look. the one he gives my mom when she corrects him. the one he gives Jenae when she thinks she knows more about vine pruning than he does. the one he gives when you say something really. really. stupid.

i groaned loudly and flopped my head back in exasperation. WHY didn't anyone believe me?! I was dehydrated, i was sleep-deprived, it was already like 90 degrees and it was only 6 in the dang morning. I couldn't breathe, my fanny pack felt like it was fifty pounds and i was wearing Jenae's old shoes, so my feet hurt. I couldn't do it! I just could not take one more step. and i was absolutely sure that if i went another foot, i would surely fall to my death climbing that stupid, jagged, devil mountain.

My Dad just kept walking. 

I was so stinkin mad!

so i turned around and i took a step back toward the ranch.

And something stopped me. like literally stopped my body. I don't know what, but i couldn't walk away.

so i turned back...

and I stared at this immense THING in front of me. tall and mysterious and scary...

and immediately i thought of Henry B Eyring praying for a trial. willingly asking for one. 

"Give me this mountain!"

I caught my breath, surprised by the overwhelming feeling that washed over me. 

I HAD to do this. something inside me cried out that walking back was not an option. I don't know what bigger thing hinged on me climbing that mountain, but there was some reason, bigger than my pride, why i needed to make it to the top. some day there will be something. or maybe everyday there is something small.. I'm not sure.

What i do know is that a huge lump formed in my throat. and all at once i was ashamed. 

I am such a wimp! Here I was, standing, breathing, living, seeing and hearing and my brain was functioning perfectly...I was wearing shoes and I was choosing to climb. thousands of pioneers were forced to climb over mountains much bigger than limestone peak. I can't even imagine all the tears shed by those poor people. barefoot, pulling carts. everything they owned strapped to their backs. I was in the place where my grandpa was born and raised, where my father and his father and his father's father learned how to live and love and where i've gone my whole life to find peace. and i live in a free country, i don't have to escape through mountain ranges to find freedom, i have it. everyday. I don't know, i just so blessed for everything right there. and i felt so disgusting for taking everything for granted. 

Satan hates me, guys.

He likes it when i'm sad. He likes it when i dwell on the past and mope around the house, holding grudges and being bitter. He LOVES to see me miserable and he loves it when i convince myself i'm too tired to say a prayer at night and then stay up for another hour thinking about pointless things. He really knows how to get me, let me tell you. How you ever read the Screwtape Letters? It's Brilliant. and it makes me mad. Satan knows exactly what to say and what to put in my path to mess me up.

Satan is a dirt bag.

lately, he's been doing a pretty good job of making me miserable. And well frankly, I've been doing a pretty stand up job of letting myself stay miserable. the annoying part is that it was all 100% preventable. and honestly, I've been having a hard time. So I welcomed Hiko with WIDE open arms. Because Hiko has always been a happy place.

And in that split second when my emotions went crazy, i knew i HAD to climb the mountain. to show myself that I can do hard things. to prove to that little dirtbag voice in my head that i can do whatever the heck i want and I'm not going to let discouraging people bring me down any more.
I was going to stop being so lame and start being happy.
I was going to MOVE ON.

so guys, i climbed the HECK out of that mountain.
and i loved every second of it. even the ones where i almost slipped and died. 

and I love My cousin Alyssa for coming with me. and singing with me. and for never complaining once. 

Jenae and Derek are dang mountain goats

believe me, i'm a LOT higher up than i seem. but i was just chillin on the cliff ledge to prove that i could.

and you know what? the feeling at the top of the mountain was so flipping worth it.

That mountain was worth it.

I am worth it.

I tebowed for Travis

I love these people.

rarely have i felt so confidant and loved and strong as i did on top of that mountain.

there is never anything too hard for us. 

sometimes, it really seems like you're being punished. sometimes it really feels like you're going to crumple under it all. But the cuts and scrapes and bruises only make us stronger. they only make us better. 

God knows what we are capable of. 

He knows how good we are.

Sometimes it feels like He has given us too much, and we think we are weak. and we worry that we can't take it anymore.

But he sees us for who we CAN be. not who we have been.

I need to stop doubting myself. I need to start believing. I need more faith. more genuine, true faith. 

Faith in God.

Faith that His plan is better than mine in every way.

Faith in His timing, and His circumstances, and His love.

I know God lives. I felt closer to Him on the top of that mountain than I have in too long a time.

I know in His eyes i am a part of a bigger picture.

He knows me better than I know myself. and no matter what voices distract me, His always breaks through the noise, ringing true every time.

You can do it!

It will all be worth it.

“There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’" - Spencer W. Kimball