"BYU Admissions Decision"

*This is really long

you have been warned.*

My first night alone in Provo this summer, Derek and I had what would be the first of many, wonderful late night talks on my living room couch. We talked about everything and nothing, and laughed really hard. At one point, Derek casually suggested that I apply to BYU, just in case I got in.

That was it.

The conversation moved along and we never brought it up again.

But after he left and I was getting ready for bed I had the thought, “I should apply for Winter semester here” but it seemed crazy, so I dismissed it and finished getting ready.

I am normally terrified of open blinds or curtains at night. But in Provo at Cinnamon Tree Apartments, I always opened my blinds at night and clicked the window open a crack. I loved hearing the street below and seeing the glow of shop signs and the Provo High stadium lights. Provo feels like a big city to me because Rexburg is tiny.
I hadn’t brought any blankets with me for the summer, because most days I’d be sleeping in the BYU dorms, so i’d bought a sleeping bag with a busted zipper at the DI for a buck fifty that afternoon. I pulled it up to my chin, wiggling into place and letting my eyes droop shut. I focused on the street sounds.
in that second right before you’re asleep, i felt my eyelids break open. I wasn’t fully alert, but I was aware that I wasn’t sleeping. And of all things to think in that moment, my thought was this:

Apply to BYU.

I scoffed out loud and glanced at my alarm clock. 1:03 am. I rolled over, forcing my eyes into the darkness of my Harry Potter Pillowcase.

I fell asleep.

And woke up.

2:16 am

Ugh.

I got up, used the restroom and got a drink of water because that usually does the trick if I’m restless.
as I climbed back onto my bed and plopped onto my back, I let the wind moving the blinds distract me back to sleep, but again in that brief glitch between reality and dream, I was wide awake with the urge to apply to BYU.

I went back to sleep.

This cycle repeated itself a total of 7 times throughout the next few hours until finally at 4 in the morning I was again awake, but angry because I couldn’t sleep.

“APPLY NOW” was my only coherent thought.

I groaned loudly, annoyed, as I threw the sleeping bag off me and jumped down off my bed. A few minutes later I found myself updating information from my 2011 BYU application and I remember feeling like an idiot, because how would applying at 4 am be any different than in the morning? But I kept typing until I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open, and then I was gratefully able to sleep until the actual morning.

I hadn’t completed my application yet, I still needed to write my essays. But I felt foolish, so I put it off another week. I also kept trying to talk myself out of it, “but you LOVE BYU-Idaho! You LOVE Rexburg! Why would you want to leave?”
then one day after I’d dropped my girls off at practice, there was a fire alarm test in my building as I was reading my scriptures. The screeching was annoying, so I went outside and sat a couple buildings away under a birch tree and kept reading.

I don’t have my summer journal with me, or I could tell you exactly what was going through my head that morning. But basically it came down to this: I’d been insanely humbled my first week in Provo, and so I was much more open to the Spirit. And I knew that I was feeling a prompting, an urge, a drive, whatever you want to call it, I was being told to Apply to BYU as soon as possible.

So I did.

I went inside and rewrote all of my essays until I felt confident enough, and then I hit send.

It took a few more days for my BYUI transcripts and stuff to be sent as well, but then I was all set. Everything was in.

Then began the waiting game.

I remember feeling absolutely on top of the world after I clicked ‘submit’.

Mostly I was proud of myself for no longer ignoring the feelings I was getting. I was happy that I had been obedient. And I was absolutely confident that even if I didn’t get in, I was supposed to apply. I didn’t know why, but I just knew that I needed to apply, and I had, and that felt good.

I kept trying to tell Derek, but he was always surrounded by people. Finally at Six Peaks, he was alone, picking up trash while waiting for the buses to come back for us because it was sprinkling.
I practically ran to him, and after beating around the bush for a second I couldn’t hold it in, “Sooo…I applied to BYU today.” And bit my lip in anticipation of his reaction.
His eyes tripled in size as a grin split his face in half, “No way! You did?”
I smiled in relief, “Yeah! I did!”
and we laughed
“I did!” I repeated excitedly, and I kept swatting his chest and shoulders and dancing around him because I was just so stinkin’ excited. He made little T-Rex arms to block my slaps, but kept smiling.
He breathed in deeply through his teeth, “That’s super cool, Melissa! I’m happy for you. That’d be crazy if you got in!”

Over the next seven weeks I slowly told a few more people, around 15, but that felt like I was standing on a building with a blow horn. I didn’t want to tell a bunch of people, in case I didn’t get in and was embarrassed.

Since Sports Camps, I’ve told what feels like a million people, because I have to keep explaining why I’m taking so many classes, and why I can’t drop any yet, and why I’m not trying to date anyone, and why I might not be here in the spring, yada yada yada.

And now, I’m telling the world via my blog:

I applied to transfer to BYU.

It has been really hard for me, actually, to not vent about it here, because here is where I talk myself through things. Whoever reads my current journal in the future is going to feel like a prisoner when they get to this summer/fall, because my impending BYU admission is all I worry about in there.

If I transferred to BYU with an associate’s from BYUI it would be a whole lot easier than transferring with a bunch of individual classes. So I decided that if I got in, I’d finish a general associate’s degree here in Idaho and then go to Provo with it. well that requires one set of classes that I previously wasn’t planning on taking this semester on my normal track to a Professional Preschool Education degree, so I tacked them on.
So I was signed up for 21 credits, two whole sets of classes. One in case I got in and one in case I didn’t. but I mean, obviously I’ve been having to go to both sets. IT SUCKED. BIG TIME, ALRIGHT?! I was dying. Truly. 20 credits then, and one during the second block of school. It was killing me. The only thing keeping me going through all of this was that at some point, it would end. At some point, I would hear back from BYU and be able to drop 6 credits. Which 6 depended on whether I got into BYU or not, but I would at least get to drop 6! That’s huge!

Well, friends, I was supposed to find out my admissions status on Oct. 1, but i didn't.

The last day to drop classes here without it affecting my financial aid was the 7^th.

after a million prayers, i decided to drop the classes i needed to get a general associates even though i hadn't heard from BYU, because i had to relieve some of the stress. 

But also there were new factors that scared me:

The first week of school, I was seriously doubting my Major choice. There’s a lot of red tape in teaching that I HATE, especially when teaching kids as young as preschoolers and especially because I want to run my own preschool out of my home. All that tape sounded really unattractive to me, and I was begging Heavenly Father after every class in prayer to tell me whether or not I was going down the right path with this degree.

“Maybe going to BYU really is the right choice, then” I thought. “because they don’t have a professional Preschool Program, so I’d just be general Child Development, and maybe I’d like that better.”

But as the weeks of school have gone past, I have absolutely fallen in love with the idea of running a preschool. And learning about how little kids learn is becoming nothing short of an obsession. I just love it. and I can’t do that in Provo. I can’t study that in provo, they just don’t have the program i have here. And then the thought of having to change programs and start all over again in a different major was so overwhelming I wanted to scream.

And then there is my not-so-secret secret aspiration of being the Sports Camp Head Counselor. I can’t do that unless I go to BYU. Unless I’m IN provo.

But there was also the same pull as always, I LOVE Rexburg. I LOVE BYU-Idaho.

My heart and brain were at war.

Why can’t things just be easy to choose between?

I was hoping for something. ANYthing, to make it glaringly obvious which school was a better choice for me. in one moment of exasperation i remember musing, "well if some boy in Provo would just FALL in love with me and BEG me to come back, that would solve all of my problems." hahahaha, yeah right.

So.
And after a myriad of advice from family and friends, one finally, boldy, said to me, “well what have you felt as you’ve prayed about it?”

And I couldn’t answer them.

I HAD prayed about it – a lot. But it was never, “what do you want me to do?” it was always, “please let me get into BYU so that I can be head counselor.” Or “please let me get into BYU so that I can be with Derek and all my Provo friends” but never, “is this what’s right for me?”

I guess I considered my prompting to apply as my answer that it was right for me to be there.

But the more I pondered the dilemma, The more I’ve felt Heavenly Father saying that if I’m doing what I’m supposed to, I could be happy in either place. This summer proved that. I love people in both places. I love both schools, and there are balancing pros and cons in each situation, but the real answer simply comes down to this:

What do YOU want, Melissa?

You choose.

THAT TERRIFIED ME. 

I am stereotypical and made a chart.

Why I want to get in:

Sports Camps. Derek, and a few other important people. 

My reasons for “why I want to stay in Rexburg” filled up an entire page.

And I wondered if I just have a severe case of, “I hate moving” mixed with a heap of, “when I love something, I love it with insane passion” and a healthy dose of, “If something I love is right in front of my nose I will doing everything within my power to keep close to it.”

All of those are definitely true about me.

And sure, they played a part in the turmoil.

But essentially it came down to this:

Having an associates to fall back on in case, for some reason, i can't finish a bachelors?

or Sports Camps?

The wrestle between two things that i love so deeply was ripping me stitch my stitch in half. 

and it was even harder just sitting here waiting.
unsure.

waiting
               waiting
                              waiting

the decision never coming

the answer never there

just

waiting.

Today, it consumed my thoughts. 

I got home from class and knelt on my bed, eventually slumping down with my face in my pillow, wondering if God was as exhausted with this subject as i am, and poured it all out in prayer. 

And i just felt like i should calm down. 

so i read my scriptures, and literally every chapter was about finding rest in the Lord. about peace and trust.

"okay, okay, i get it." i thought. 

so i wrote in my Journal for a bit. started a blog post about my reunion over the weekend. did things that had nothing to do with school.

and then i had the thought, "If you open your email right now, you'll know."

and so i logged onto my school email and there was one new email. subject line:

"A decision regarding your application has been made."

I've heard and used the expression, "My heart was pounding out of my chest" about a million times in my life, but when i saw that line, and hovered my cursor over the "read" button, i could literally feel my heart pumping violently against my ribs.

I held up a notebook in front of the screen and pressed 'open'

"Dear Melissa:


Thank you for selecting Brigham Young University as one of your choices for continuing your education. Following a careful and thorough review of your application by the admissions committee, we regret ..."

i stopped reading and breathed out, though i hadn't realized i'd been holding my breath.

I didn't get in.

I calmly closed my computer and then brisked to my room, shut the door, and cried on my bed.

for a second i was angry

"If i wasn't going to get in, then why did I feel so strongly that I needed to apply at the beginning of the summer?"

But my mind immediately supplied a string of answers i'd already thought of in subconcious anticipation of this very scenario:

•          Because I had no idea that first week how much I was going to adore sports camps, and if I ever wanted the chance to even be considered for Head Counselor, I had to be at BYU. If I had waited until after sports camps, it would have been too late to apply and I would have forever kicked myself, wondering what could have happened, if I could have been HC, etc etc.

•           Because I was unsure about my Major here. And if I was just going along, without having applied to BYU, I would have been dreaming of changing, and wondering what my schooling could have been like at BYU had I applied. But because I did apply, and constantly thought, “what if I did get in? would I want to leave this program?” I was able to hear the resounding answer, “NO!” I don’t want to be a general Child Development major, I want to teach preschool.   

•         Because if I hadn’t applied, I don’t think I would have made as many friends over the summer. I would have thought, “Getting close to them now would be pointless because I’m leaving in seven weeks and never coming back.” Which is stupid. and looking back, it was hard for me to put myself out there so much. But because I thought I might come back, I figured it would be nice to have some friends to come back to. So I was sociable. I went out and met people instead of cooping myself up in my room. I was my 100% real self and didn’t care what anyone thought. I was happy. Oh, so happy. And if I thought I was never coming back to Provo, I genuinely don’t think I would have had half the summer I did. Because I wouldn’t have cared enough to try. And honestly, if I applied to BYU just so that I could be more open that summer, just so that I could let Derek, Rachel H, Dylan, Phillipa, Shanna, Rachel O, Marky, Leah, and allllll the other incredible people I befriended, into my heart, then I’ll take it. 
  If those dozen wonderful souls are the reason that I have been so emotionally torn for the past 5 months waiting to seal my future, I gladly accept that. I welcome that. Their love and friendship is worth all of this turmoil. 

•          I learned to obey.
  perhaps this is the most important of all. I listened. And I know what I felt. I was urged to apply. So I applied. And the fulfillment that followed was worth the struggle afterward. Knowing that I was living the way I should be to be worthy of the companionship of the Spirit, who prompted me to act, is worth it. Even if I’m not going to transfer, knowing that I obeyed a prompting and applied when I knew I should apply, is enough for me.

•           And finally, applying to BYU forced me to be active in deciding my own future. I try to rely on the Lord in my decisions. And that’s great. But sometimes relying on the Lord means that you choose where to jump, and you trust that when you hit the ground running, it’s right where God wanted you to be, even if you couldn’t see that before your feet left the ground. I have been just sliding by, making decision through the help of prayer, which is good, but I needed to learn how to rely on the Lord in different ways this year. BOY, HAS HE TAUGHT ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT RELYING. 

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it forever. 2014 has been the year of me making plans and Heavenly Father handing me the real ones.

I know that I was supposed to apply to BYU, and I was supposed to apply right when I did, at the beginning at the summer when there was literally no reason that I could see to do so.

But I’m not transferring to BYU.

I’m staying at BYU-Idaho.

And I know now that this crazy plan was exactly the way it was supposed to be so that I could see that Rexburg, Idaho is right where God needs me to be.
I'm relieved, because this means that i can get an associates AND a bachelors. and because i won't have to change programs.
But i'm real sad that i won't get the chance to be considered for Head Counselor of Sports Camps. I'm real sad that i won't go to school with Derek. I'm sad not to live in Cinnamon Tree. I'm sad no to be around Dylan and Rachel(s) and Phillipa and Shan and everyone else.

But i'm trying really hard to be positive.
my accidental 3 hour nap that followed my crying was actually a blessing, because now i'm calm about it all. and it doesn't make perfect sense, but i'm at peace.
and i know that this is how it's supposed to be.


Everything happens for a reason - i am a firm believer of that.

There are always going to be foggy days.

There are always going to be questions.

But I’m trying really hard not to have any doubts.

My Father in Heaven has a plan for me that is more complex, but more right, than anything I could ever plan for on my own. And I know that if I follow His plan, I will be filled with greater joy in the end than even my deepest wishes and fondest dreams can convey. 

but, i still think it's okay that i'm kind of sad. that's healthy, as long as i don't dwell forever on it, right?

*sigh*

Que Cera Cera