Broken doesn't mean undone

(this is cheesy lame, but i listen to this song late at night sometimes because i'm scared of the dark, and it's a comforting song. But i first heard it in Landon's memorial video, so it reminds me of him, too.)


I know this is dumb.
but i'm real sad.
Last night, as i was getting in the shower, i absentmindedly took my bracelet off and it just snapped and fell to the tile floor. and i gaped. and then cried. and then felt really dumb because it's just a piece of rubber. I've worn it everyday for over four and a half years, it was way overdue to break. but i just didn't think it actually would....i know this is dumb! but I've worn it through everything important- and every thing insignificant - for 4 1/2 years, and i figured i'd still be wearing it at graduation and my wedding and when i had kids and then one day, way in the future, it would fall off but i would just smile because it lasted so long. i guess nearly 5 years is pretty long.
and it's not like Landon was MY best friend. he wasn't ever even close to that.
but i don't know, i guess the bracelet came to symbolize way more than Landon.

It was Landon at first, but then, it was Derek who was also away.
and i felt responsible to act in his place, which doesn't really make sense in hindsight, but i was 15 and in the sucker punch that hit our town and high school, i felt like i had to be strong. to act as Derek's ambassador. to let everyone know that Derek was doing okay. that the Hansens were sad, but okay.
and then Derek was home, and the bracelet was Madera South.
and then after i graduated, it was promises and resolves and a constant reminder of who i want to be.
And lately it was all of that at once.
all of those things.
But still mostly Landon.

and it's probably weird that i felt happy to carry around a little reminder of him on my wrist for so many years when he was my brother's best friend, not mine.

but i did.

I was a pebble in his life but he is a landmark in mine. and it's probably weird that i think of him a lot. considering he passed away five years ago and i was a little girl when i knew him.

but i do.

a million things remind me of him, and i wonder about him. what he'd be doing, if he and Derek would have stayed close. If we would have gone to his wedding. I wonder if Justin and Anthony would still mean as much to me, and my family, as they do now if Landon was still alive. I hope so.






maybe none of that makes sense.






but all of that shot through my mind in an instant while i watched the bracelet on the tile.
i picked it up, set it on top of my towels. and cried.
and then smiled, because it had lasted so long.
and because i can still remember all those things without a rubber bracelet that was so faded i couldn't read the words anymore. in a way that was proof that i had remembered him.
i don't know.
i decided to remind myself to 'make my life worth it' even without the bracelet.
and that was that.




and you know, writing this all out makes me feel a whole lot better. now i feel empowered instead of glum. so thanks for letting me pour all this out here. in my brain.