even ONE

So i'm writing something. maybe a book, maybe a bookish thing. mainly just a book. JUDGE ME. it's obviously in it's very very early stages, so don't expect anything mind blowing.

that's not even the point of this post, it's just that i was writing just now about my whole process and decision to stay home from school this past spring semester, and to work in Provo, and i wanted to share a tiny bit with you and then give you some additional thoughts:




"How I came to the decision to apply to be a counselor:

During Christmas break, sitting on the couch in our living room, surrounded by reflections of Christmas tree lights, and colorful wreaths adorning the walls,
“Melissa, you should come work for me this summer at Sports Camps” - Derek
“Okay, heck yeah!” – Me

The actual process was much more complicated than that.

I go to BYU-Idaho. They have an interesting track system there. I’m on the “Fall/Spring” track. So normally, I’d do my first semester of a school year from September – Christmas. And then be ‘off-track’ and living at home from Christmas to Easter. Then go BACK to school from Easter until mid-July. I know, confusing. But that’s how it went. And I loved it. I feel attached to Rexburg, Idaho. I love its mountains, and snow, and people, and sunsets, and spirit. When I didn't get into BYU, and only got into Idaho, I was a little disappointed, but once I actually started school the disappointment quickly transformed to joy. That little school in that tiny town made me incredibly happy for a long time.

So in the late winter of 2014 right before I was supposed to go back to school, feeling like I should stay home and take online classes was the last thing I expected.

I should rename 2014, “the year that God kept blind-siding me with changes in plans”. Really it was just me realizing that my plan for me was not my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. It was just me getting continually humbled. In February I felt overwhelming impressed to stay home for the spring semester, and it made absolutely no sense to me. I’d already signed a contract for my spring housing, I’d already registered for my classes, I couldn't wait to get back to those Grand Tetons and rose sunsets.

But there it was, a sliver in my mind, wiggling deeper and deeper under the tissue:




Stay.



Stay.

Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.

Stay home this semester.

And I didn't know why. But I kept feeling it, and the promptings only got stronger. So I was brave and told my mother.
She was as confused as I had been when I first heard it.
But I had had weeks to get used to the idea. To weigh the pros and cons and become comfortable with all the consequences of staying home for the spring. I stood my ground. And once she saw that I was serious, after hours of frustrated hot tears on my part and calm reasoning on hers, she supported me with love and we both prayed for understanding. "





okay, so that was a tidbit.

and while i was writing it all down, i ran through a mental list of all the wonderful things that i got to be a part of while home for spring semester. and then i thought, "If i had gone to Rexburg, i would just now be starting sports camps. like, on Monday." and i felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of me not having this past month of experiences.

there are honestly a thousand good things that happened to me while i stayed home this semester.

i probably couldn't name them all if I tried.

But this month has been the best, most enlightening, most fulfilling of them all.

I don't want to discredit Rexburg, because i honestly cannot express my love for that place. I have always felt safe and happy there. I've learned and felt so very much in that windy little town. I know that i was put on the Fall/Spring track at BYU-Idaho for a reason. I met people who became my best friends. i began to find my full faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ because the spirit of that place propelled me to be great. I don't think the blessings from going to BYU-Idaho will ever stop coming into my life. I love that place so dearly, i can't explain.

I was blessed to be at that school for a million reasons.

that being said,

I had an honestly insane experience one of my first nights in Provo. maybe someday i'll give the whole story, but for now just know that never before have my brain, and my gut, and my heart, and every other inch of my whole self been so united in aspiration.
that night was full of new dreams.

like i said the other day, I've made a lot of big decisions here.

and i'm soooo thankful that i felt i should stay home for Spring semester. I'm sure that if i had gone to rexburg, i would have had a completely different set of happy weeks, but how can i be sure that i would have found these answers?

I probably would have been fine and met new people there, too.
But i would not trade these past few weeks for anything in the world.

and i'm not trying to be one of those bloggers who just has a perfect life and talks about their perfect things all the time and "la da da i'm so happy, nothing is hard or wrong or bad, everything is perfect and i'm perfect and i pity all you little imperfect people of the world below me."


no.


this is just an online extension of my journal, so i'm expressing my thoughts.
and my thought tonight was this:

I am so grateful for the prompting i had in February that made zero sense.

Because if i stayed home just so i could meet even ONE of the people I've loved this past month, i'd be fine with that.