Landon Guglielmana

This post might offend someone but I've been thinking about it a lot. And i'm not trying to be rude. i want to pay my respects for a cherished friend in my own way. just like many people from my hometown have been doing for five years. this way is just my own, and it's maybe an unpopular view. also, i don't know how Derek feels about me writing about Landon. Derek has never made a public comment or post or announcement or whatever you want to call it, about Landon's death, on the internet. Generally I've felt that if it was too personal for his best friend to post about, i definitely shouldn't. seeing as how i was no where near 'best friend'. But like i said, I've been thinking about this a lot. and it's been five years. and it's not like i never mention Landon. I've just never talked about him on the anniversary of the day he died. Hi Derek, I love you, hope you don't hate me writing this.
These are my kept-in-for-five-years scattered thoughts on the subject of Landon:





Is it morbid that i think about dying all the time?

I don't think it's morbid. it's perfectly normal to think about. and it's perfectly normal not to as well.

my mom always says that we're lucky. because now-a-days people don't have to deal with death like during world wars or epidemics.

but some people still die.
some people still die by accident. they didn't mean to. they didn't expect it.

and that's the kind i think about.

a lot.

it doesn't scare me. death. but it does make me sad, thinking about what i'd miss. or who.
i guess i just wonder about it.

Derek's best friend Landon died five years ago now.
And i promise i am not trying to sound conceited or better than anyone. He was Derek's best friend, not mine. i'm not claiming to have known him super well. I knew him. And I spent plenty of time around him, but i only knew him as well as any little sister really knows their older brother's best friend. it's not like we made matching bracelets or anything. but i did look up to him. and still do. but for different reasons than most people might assume.
Every year, on the day he died, a lot of people make a huge deal of it on facebook. and most of them i completely understand: his family members and close friends. because they are sincere. I'm not saying that other people aren't sincere. i believe that they loved him and miss him. but it makes me uncomfortable when people act like people who have died were perfect. or that they should be held to a higher standard and looked to for inspiration. I don't like that when a person dies, people seem to only remember great things about them. because even if that person did do great things, that's not the whole truth.

the truth is that people are imperfect.

Landon was wonderful. he did SO many good things. and because of it, he had a cheery disposition and a contagious smile. i know. i saw it. i felt it. he was magnetic.
But Landon also had a temper. I've seen him punch gym floors and kick sideline benches. and sometimes he was cocky. and mule stubborn. But as crazy as it sounds, i think those things are important to remember, too.

not in a judgmental way. not to discount the great things he did. but just to acknowledge that he was, concretely, human.
to me, it's the fact that he's flawed that makes me appreciate his service and goodness. Knowing that he wasn't perfect makes his efforts to be better even more impressive.



_________________________________________

when i die, please remember that i was lazy, and often selfish, and sometimes judgmental and arrogant. remember that i struggled. if i ever hear someone say i was perfect, i will be sick. do not raise me up and treat me as some untouchably good person.

i'm not.

remember that i'm an erring human.
but also remember that i'm trying to be better all the time. remember both halves of me. because those two halves together are the only real me.

_________________________________________



Landon is great because he was fallible, but he tried anyway. he was imperfect, but he did his best. He was an excellent big brother and an incredibly loyal friend. he was a brilliant student and a skilled leader, and a whole other giant list of remarkable characteristics.
and all of that, including the not-so-shiny- things, are what make him Landon. and that's the boy i treasure. the imperfect one. the one who as a 16 year old rolled his eyes judgingly at someone he barely knew, but as an 18 year old on crutches after a volleyball injury, stopped to help the same person pick up spilled books with a respectful smile.
The young boy who laughed at a vulgar joke, but grew up. and as an 18 year old who saw i was dating someone bad for me, pulled me aside to warn me about choosing a man who would respect me and my body for the temple it was.

I love Landon. i always have. and his death brought about a reality of my mortal state. It made me appreciate my life and my people more. For that i am grateful.
and honestly, if he had lived a normal life, gone off to college, become a teacher and coach like he'd planned, would he have had such a profound impact on me?

who knows?

He was an imperfect, yet incredible person while he lived, He was funny and kind, and had a very obvious but not in your face way of loving Jesus Christ that i still really respect. Landon influenced a lot of people around him while he lived. But when he died, The example he'd set in just 18 years seemed even more impressive, and it set off a chain-link reaction that is still going. is still helping people live meaningful lives. I feel far closer to him in death than i did in life.

I still remember my dad's best friend, Don Handly. i still think about him. i'm still grateful for the things he taught my father, and the impact he's had on my life.
I have no doubt that Landon will influence the lives of Derek's children.
and i'm going to tell my kids about Landon.

about the friend who was kind and happy and turned people to the Savior in much of what he did. the boy who has shaped my life in so many ways. who has shaped Uncle Derek's life in so many ways. who brought together an entire town in love and brotherhood. who united a school, rallied a community, and inspired a girl, a seemingly insignificant best friend's little sister, to keep a blog and fall in love with high school while she had it, To write a book and leave notes. To be sentimental and serious. just to love. and to make my life worth every minute in ways that uplift and bring light.

Some of those things i felt even when we were still at the same school. even when they graduated, and i just wanted to continue the Legacy and pride that i held so dear. Even when Landon and Derek were both away and all i thought about was my own high school drama.

But i'll never know whether i'd have learned some of those things if he hadn't died.
It was sad to lose such a young life, but i am thankful for the lessons i was able to learn, and am still learning from the experience, and from his influence.

You might think that i sound like a hypocrite now, vehemently praising his memory after i scolded others. I just feel uncomfortable when (a small number) people make him out to be flawless. That's obviously not what i'm trying to do. I stand by what I've said: i appreciate his successes more when i can recognize them in relation to his faults and his trials.

Landon, i love you. I pray for you often. and for your family, here. they are lovely souls, just like you. I thank God for the role you've all had in my life, however imperfect, and however small, it may be.

Things i am thankful for right this moment

the Gospel of Jesus Christ and everything in it,

medicine, fruit and vegetables, my hearing, my, professors, My Siblings, an oven and stove and refrigerator, Sports Camps, a mother who taught me to cook for myself, Tithing, a background in theatre, Madera Unified School District, Crocs, skirts, my hair and eyes, the queen of England, clean television shows, The Beatles, movies that make me think, My Parents, my glasses, puppies, my grandparents, My nieces and nephews, who landscaped BYU-Idaho, snow, living in a tiny town, warm coats, Harry Potter, tights, my roommates, Mallorie Lane and Jaylene, guy friends, bright flowers, cheese, packages and letters, purple potatoes, missionary friends, my Preschool Curriculum class, BYU-Idaho, HOT GLUE GUNS, the internet, lotion to keep y hands from cracking in the dry air, Provo, Utah, the days when my phone works and i can communicate with other humans, indoor heating units, Reeses Puffs

Happy Thanksgiving to you, friends.

Melissa Michiale Paints

Okay, homies. today's the big day. I just made a blog for my watercolors, and i'm SELLING them! So you know, if you wanna promote them. or just go take a gander, i'd be fine with that!






melissamichialepaints.blogspot.com






this is something I've been wanting to do for a while, but felt inadequate. But i'm being brave and JUST DOIN' IT!!
Paypal will unfortunately take a cut of everything, but it's a cheaper route than Etsy for now, so, this is what i'm doing!
I'M EXCITED!!!

left out things

i often accumulate pictures that fall under no theme. they have no real significance to anyone but me, but i still want to remember the tiny details of my life in later years. so while this post won't mean anything to you, here are some things that i've done/seen in the past few months that i liked. 

just to remember

this, just because it's the weirdest feeling 

this. because i have several people in my phone with Star Wars names and i think i'm hilarious.

this because my instagram friends are so entertaining... "and seen that it was good"

this little girl who was Elliot for Halloween

 I spend a lot of time at Mallorie and Jay's house. because they don't live with me but i still love them

there are a ton of imprints in the sidewalk around campus, and i think they're interesting!

i love the view of sunsets we get at my complex. minus the parking lot, but still. 

i pass the interior design classes on the way on my way to one of my classes, and i love all the little exhibits they have set up

these are tiny paper models of chairs

i like this chapstick because the container is clear, and i can see my progress. like a video game battery level screen or something. 

babe sighting in Hebrews chapter 5

in my preschool curriculum class, my professor BROUGHT HER PET TARANTULA TO CLASS AND WE GOT TO LOOK AT IT REAL CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND IT WAS AWESOME. 

seriously, who knew that i'd like giant spiders? i've always assumed i'd hate it and it'd be gross. but i literally could not stop staring and getting too close, haha. and saying, "wooooooowwwwww"

i tagged the wall outside our apartment

our landlords gave us these donuts on Halloween, haha:

the outlets here suck. 

so i improvise. 

i chopped a bunch of hair off on October 1st. 

like seriously a bunch. 

Sophia frequently includes me in her snapchat stories against my will

for real, these sunsets, though. 

a Reese's that didn't stick to the cup wrapper, and TWO PINK STARBURSTS in the same package

miracle of miracles

I babysit Evelyn. 

and i love it. 

I babysat her at my apartment one night and she was SO SPOILED with attention, hahaha. and i took this picture that is rather unflattering of both of us, haha. 

 a good Samaritan left me this gift on the top of the dryer one day: 

I get to wear my Croc moon boots, and i will never stop being happy about it. 

On Actual Halloween

I decided kind of last minute to join Mallorie and Jaylene on their trip to Utah for he weekend. 

Mallorie's boyfriend Mark, and Mark's roommate Eli, came with us actually last minute. 

the ride to Provo was a lot of T-swizzle and good conversation.

When we actually got there i dropped everyone off at their events (after a frenzy of decisions of activities) and then gave Derek about 5 minutes warning before crashing he and Raycelan's Pumpkin carving festivities. (sorrynotsorry)

I'M SO GLAD I WENT. 

Being in Provo again made the whole summer come sweeping at me.

and the entire night i was sending a constant stream of silent "thank you" prayers to Heaven for all the incredible people i got to meet because of Sports Camps. and all the wonderful things i got to be a part of.

Raycelan is a perfect host.

I had just seen Derek like 2 weeks prior at the family reunion, but i had already missed him so much! So i'm glad i got to see him again, even if it was only for an hour or so. 

Dylan and Mitch were in California, which i was bummed about, because i wanted to say hi.

but next door to Raycelan's apartment was a halloween party, and i saw my old roommate, so we were talking and gushing and catching up. i love that Leah girl.  

and then through the window i saw Karl. 

and he gave me the most confused surprised look. 

And then it clicked and i saw him say, "Melissa Hansen?!" and he stood up, so i ran inside and we hugged and talked for a bit. He was wearing a dinosaur mariachi costume (yes.) and his hair was longer than he kept it in the summer and i was unabashedly staring at him the whole time, haha. 

more silent thank you prayers.

one specifically for a boy who is just a stinking great person. 

I watched everyone carve adorable pumpkins. we all ate chocolate. Then Raycelan whipped out her karaoke machine!!! YES. Derek and i rocked out at highest volume to "The Saga Continues". then He and Raycelan followed up with "Human". too. good. 

Derek and i just got to catch up and gossip about Jonathan's awesome girlfriend, and just plain chat. which i love. and for some reason it just was so perfect that this catch up chat happened in the kitchen of a Cinnamon Tree apartment, just like our chats over the summer. 

closure, full circle, Chiasmus, all phrases that work here. 

once My friends were done at their party thing, i said goodbye to everyone and picked up Mal, Jay, Mark and Eli. (I was driving, because neither Mal or Jay wanted to drive in Provo, because they don't know the layout.) we dropped the boys off at the place they were staying the night. Mal and Jay asked if there was anywhere cool that i loved during the summer that i wanted to show them. but by this point it was around 11:30, so everything was closed. i took the to the creamery to get ice cream, duh. and then very spur of the moment we decided to climb to the Y!

SO WE DID!

after we went to maceys and bought flashlights, and i stocked up on mango powerade. 

we started actually 'hiking' around midnight. 

I have a feeling that it was one of those nights that the 3 of us will remember for a long time. 

We sat there for a while. not leaving, for fear of spoiling the magic of midnight friendship crucibles.

by the time we got back to the car it was 1:40 or so. am. no big deal.  

we ended up crashing on the floor of  Jaylene's cousin's apartment in provo. 

but we didn't really sleep because it was FREEZING.

this was us at 8 am when we couldn't take it any longer and decided to leave:

YES.

 sidenote: the sun coming up over the mountains behind campus and the crisp morning whisked me right back to good old July, and i imagined it:

8 am, walking back with a group of squirrely girls from breakfast at the cannon center. probably all in our pajamas. smiling. for no apparent reason. just because i was happy. twisting my lanyard as we walked back to the dorms so they could get ready for their morning session of practice.

i know it sounds melodramatic, but standing on the curb outside that apartment on November 1, staring at Y mountain i definitely got teary eyed. 

more silent thank you prayers.

we picked up Mark, drove him to his sister's house in Orem, and then parked at a church building a few blocks away and tried to sleep for another 3 hours. i took a couple 20 minute naps bit couldn't ever actually fall asleep. this was us at 12:30 when we finally decided to just leave.

SO. UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE. 

we finally made it to Mal's family at about 1:30. they let us all take showers and get cleaned up, and then we spent the weekend there talking and laughing and visiting. they showed me Monsters University! my first time seeing it :)
This was my 3rd or 4th time visiting them. they're a great family, and we love 'em. 

Sunday afternoon, we drove home, talking about Harry Potter and listening to my super cheesy church music. and the backseat napped. Eli sorted into Hufflepuff.  Jay and i had some good talks in the front half of the car. it was a good drive back. 

hooray for road trips. 

hooray for memories

hooray for the best calendar year of my life. 

Halloween!

Oh, hi, it's me, late again. oh well. 

first of all, IT SNOWED TODAY:

 I was ecstatic all day long because i got to wear my purple Croc Moon boots :)

On Halloween, i usually curl up at home and ignore everyone. but this year, the night before halloween, we dressed up as an apartment! and we were....

CRAYONS!!!

we're cute. 

and our FHE brothers were the Avengers! (and company)

Ben was "The Winter Soldier"

I also want to point out that BEn hadn made all of these costumes. painted, constructed, and everything. except for Mjolnir, which they bought online. 

#selfiewithTheAvengers

#imcool

I think we all looked pretty stinkin' great. 

we had a fun ward party. chili, baked potatoes, games, laughs, and overall a wonderful night. 

I ruv us. 

hope your Halloween was great, too!