April showers bring May flowers

This starts out sounding whiny...but it turns around, i promise! haha.



last couple weeks:
Got back to back rejected. that was fun. "still friends". greeaaaaat.
saw Derek and met Abby. Saw Rebecca and a couple of her kids. Saw Donny and Christine and Jonathan. that really was good. Also i liked the drive up to Idaho. I love driving. minus the crazy blizzard in Cedar city, and my bike being frozen to the car. haha
Then I spent a couple days alone here, because i got to the apartment way early. Which i actually liked, because it gave me a couple days to think. and that was good. Then my roommates got here, and they are seriously awesome. I already love them. but i was getting pretty homesick.
I started class. but my best friend Mallorie went home.
a couple weeks ago i applied for an east coast history summer study thing. I would tour the east coast for a month, spending time at all the US and church history site. It was only 4 weeks but counted for like 6 classes and it was $3,000 but that is pretty cheap if you think about it. it included all of my travel, hotel and food expenses. plus a Broadway show. so that's an amazing price, i think. And my American foundations teacher from fall semester was like, "apply early, I'll recommend you and that will higher your chances of getting in!" So i did. But i found out last week that i didn't get in. that sucked.
I tried to start a dating show here at BYU-Idaho. Not a single person signed up online. And everyone I asked around campus in person said something along the lines of "well, that sounds cool, but I'm just really busy. But I'll watch it for sure!" can't watch it if there's no show. hmph. AND THEN. in my child development class i overheard the following conversation:

girl: Yeah, dd you hear about that dating show?
other girl: No, what dating show? here?
g: yeah! It actually seems pretty cool

*My ears perked*

g: It's these three guys that go around asking completely random girls to be on their show. and then once they get like ten girls or something, then they take them out one by one and then they choose only a few to take out on a second date and so on and so on. it sounds totes cute, right?!
og: Yeah! I'd so totally be on that!
G: yeah! you should go watch the first episode, it's on youtube:

Me: wait, what? 

G: It's called "BYU-I do" isnt that cute?! I'm so totes gonna watch it


you're kidding me.
you're KIDDING me.

first of all, "BYU-I do"?! why didnt i think of that?! ugh. and really?! like, really? what are the odds that me and 3 stupid guys from Chapman hall had the same idea on the same weekend? they are pretty cute though curses.

And i bombed my first Child development class. But we met our "Family Home Evening Brothers" and they're SO nice. One of them, Shain, had a birthday so we threw him a surprise party. and that was kind of the turning point for me.  I was surrounded by all these great people and i was laughing and happy on the outside, but sulking inwardly. and i thought, "why are you still sad? you've got nothing to be sad about."

 My sister Allison texted me a cute picture of Jenna and I hung up 166 pictures in my room. ha.
The next night I finished "Heaven is here" by Stephanie Nielson and honestly, her story is incredible! She went through every hurt you could imagine but she stayed strong and i admire her SO much. Hero. really.

and honestly, i thought of all the trials she endured and i felt really ungrateful for complaining about boys who don't like me or fun trips i didn't get to go on. She faced her struggles with hope. and i want to too.

things started lookin' up.
I helped Donny and Christine paint their new, adorable apartment. I crushed all of my homework assignments. 100% on my Teachings of the living Prophets chapter 1 test. what now prof. Peterson? I even worked out. what?! hahaha mom, i'm sorry for the heart attack i just gave you. AND JENAE ADDED ME ON INSTAGRAM. after seven long months of me sending her a request everyday until she finally blocked me. she finally unblocked me, excepted my request and followed me. happiest moment of my life, y'all.
And then Saturday night my sister Katrina called and gave me a much needed pep talk. thanks dawg, 'twas exactly what i needed. And i think you were exactly who i needed to hear it from.

I love Sundays. they're always good. I was called as a Relief Society Instructor and i gave my first lesson on Sunday. I love to teach. this was literally a quick and direct answer to fervent  prayer. Sunday in general was just a giant answer to prayer. I love my ward (congregation) and my bishop (the leader of the congregation). We met our Home Teachers (two guys who come over once a month to teach us and who are kind of like our go-tos when we need someone to drive us around or fix a flat tire or anything really. helper friends.) ours are Jimmy and Eric. I asked Jimmy what his name was and he said, "Jimmy Donkin" I laughed. because i laugh at everything. and he gave me dagger eyes. So i said, "I'm sorry. that was rude...i didnt mean it like that. it's a cool name! Donkin! that's awesome! It sounds cooler than Hansen....okay I'm gonna stop talking..."
and then after the lesson when he and Eric were about to leave, i had forgotten Jimmy's last name, so i asked, "Hey Jimmyeatworld, what's your last name again?"
dagger eyes.
Jimmy: "Donkin"
my roommate Madison: "Dunkin? like Dunkin Donuts?"
Jimmy: "No. Donkin"
Me: "like...hee haw! donkey...Donkin..."

daggers. daggers everywhere.

I can't help it, people.

Yesterday i got a happy text from Allison, and a "keep your chin up" package from Rebecca. I love my sisters. They're seriously perfect for me. In the package was a bunch of cute bright things, a sweet note, candy and this shirt. Holla. "Uncle Si" from Duck Dynasty. mah dang favorite. It says "Redneck of the Year" ad i've been wearing it for like 24 hours already. hahahaha. please enjoy this real cute webcam selfie i just took:

Last night was our ward's opening social get together thang. I met a lot of people, and have i mentioned that i have an uncanny ability to remember names?  not like, just their names. but when i hear a name and see a face together, i usually remember it. we did this really awkward but super fun speed dating thing at the social last night, and i can now name every single boy in our ward. YES. champion.

on a deeper note,
Thank you to those of you who thought of me the other day. i have absolutely felt your prayers. It's been humbling, really. To see people's faith in action. and to know that people are praying for me is a really tender thing. So thank you, it has made a huge difference. I love you all! really.

also, here's a couple pictures of Jenae that i have hanging right above my desk so that i can look at them all day everyday and laugh whenever i need to. I hope they brighten your day as much as they do mine! hahaha

lololololololololol

ohhh my. i seriously die every time i see this. also, one hundred dollars who can guess what my dad was watching when this picture was taken.

and my personal favorite:

I'm so glad that i finally caught someone making that face on camera. She learned it from me. I stole it from a similar face that Derek makes.

good riddance, April.

Nephi & Naaman

first of all - sorry for all the writing and no pictures. sorry not sorry. I haven't really done anything this week worth taking pictures of. just class and homework basically. Also, sorry for being whiny the past couple posts (including this one). sorry not sorry #2. taha.

Once upon a time (last week) i was real homesick. and then Mallorie went home. and i was sad. So i got online to order myself a couple pictures of people i love to hang by my bed to stare at at smile at when i was sad. 

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 "a couple" turned into 166. 

so i literally covered my half of the room in pictures, and i still have an inch tall stack of pictures on my desk. And I'm flipping through them and I'm just feelin real grateful.

Grateful for March- May of 2012, because those were really happy months. twenty rocks all the days. 

and grateful for July and August, because working at Cota Cole Attorney's was an incredible experience, and because i got so close with Jonathan and Derek. and because i got to go to hiko. and because i seriously loved all of our friends from Singles ward at church.

And grateful for these past few months at home.

Before i went to school my Dad gave me a special blessing like he does before the start of every school year. I was quickly trying to write it all down as he said it. And I love to re-read it and get comfort from it. Coming up here was hard and i'm not entirely sure about all the things that went into that but right now i'm just trying to see this like: "this could be a really happy couple of months to look back on". My dad said this semester would be pivotal in a lot of ways. I believe that. I know I'm supposed to be here. and I know that I'm supposed to be happy. And I'm trying really hard to be happy. 

This is kind of embarrassing because I've never done this before and i don't want people to think i'm like, trying to get attention. I'm not depressed or anything. but i wanted to ask you to pray for me. because I'm just having a rough transition and i know i can make it through, but i need the Lord's help. So please pray for me? that i won't feel lonely and that i can focus on my studies and be happy. 

I don't need any big crazy thing to happen, and i don't need to go anywhere. I know i can do it, I can make it. I know I'm supposed to be in Rexburg right now. I know happiness is a choice and I'm honestly trying to be happy. I feel really ungrateful because my life is really easy. I take a lot for granted. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends and a body that works perfectly. and i know that I'm where God needs me. I know i'm where God wants me to be. 

In my Book of Mormon class on Wednesday we were studying 1 Nephi chapters 1-5. In these chapters, Nephi is commanded to kill the wicked man, Laban. and it's a huge deal for Nephi, because he's young and hasn't ever been that violent before. but the lord says it was okay, and Nephi kills Laban.

My professor asked us to discuss obedience with our partners. 

curits and i did, and we both marveled that Nephi could be so faithful. That would be really hard!

A boy in the class brought up Naaman, the military leader spoken of in 2 Kings chapter 5 in the Old Testament. Naaman was a leper and when he asked the prophet Elisha to heal him, Elisha tells Naaman that if he washed in the river Jordan 7 times, he would be healed. Naaman thought that cure was ridiculous. He expected some huge thing to be asked of him. Eventually, Naaman did wash in the river and he was healed.

The boy in my class wondered if Nephi and Naaman's roles were switched, would either of them have batted an eye at their task? 

Naaman was a general in the army, he was used to killing wicked men. Beheading Laban would have been simple for Naaman.

Nephi had incredible faith in small and simple things. If the lord had told him to wash in the river Jordan 3 times, it would have been absolutely no problem.

The Lord gave Naaman and Nephi trials specifically hard for them. He knew it would be hard, but he knew that Naaman needed to go to the river and Nephi needed to kill the wicked Laban. the Lord gives us specific trials tailored exactly to our needs to help us grow by pushing us to our own personal limits. just like muscles have to be torn to get bigger, our spirits have to be tested to grow as well.

right now, going to college and feeling a little alone and sad that don't get to be around kids all day might sound simple or easy to you, but for me it's an uphill slope. but i know that it's what Heavenly Father has in mind for me right now. I know i need this. Right now i can't see why but someday i will see. someday i will understand and that is enough for me to take another step. 

Thanks for reading this. If you could pray for me, it would mean a lot.

And mom, don't worry. I'm not crying all day in my room or avoiding human contact. I'm okay. I'm just a little bruised. transitions are rough! they always are for me!

it's okay. I'm okay. 

one rock at a time. 

So here's to me trying to be a Nephi who goes out and accomplishes and not a Naaman who worries and doubts and stalls his progression.

"I don't want to be bitter. I want to be better."

John Bytheway 'How to be Totally Miserable'

Also, this:

"Mountains to Climb"

on repeat.

thoughts on the first day of school

this what i was thinking during my classes today:

Teachings of the Living Prophets:
Okay, okay. I like this. alright, the teacher already knows my name. little weird. oh he has a sister named melissa. okay. less weird. 
then, when the same guy answered three questions in a row:
oh no, we've got a talker. Oh this guy is going to drive me nuts all semester. ohp AND he's got a gross mustache. great.
Professor: And I'd like each of you to bring your scriptures to class each day. your paper versions.
smart guy alex: oh, well I actually have the scriptures on my ipad, and I'm going to use that. i use my ipad to read the scriptures.
Professor: you used to use your iPad
hahahahahahahahahahaha smart guy alex, you're a loser, HAHA.

Book of Mormon:
I'm only waitlisted. WOW there are no empty seats. oh, there's a couple in the front...i'm not officially registered for this yet, will they be able to tell? okay, i'm doing it i'm sitting in the front. almost there. okay. no one stared. i'm good, i'm good. OH NO BOYS ARE SITTING NEXT TO ME.
ohp. one's cute. teehee.
Professor: So I've got the role here, and there are 13 people on the waitlist, but only the top 3 are going to get into the class, and only if they're here so, Jared are you here? yes. Daniel are you here? yes.

oh no, I'm number three on the waitlist! he's gonna say my name and i'm going to have to raise my hand. and everyone will look over at me. crap crap crap crap...

Professor: Melissa are you here?
*I raise my hand*
okay, it's alright, no one's paying attention. oooo, cute guy looked smiled at me.
well congratulations, you three are for sure in the class. welcome aboard.

then later,

Professor: why don't you turn to your neighbor and introduce yourselves?

okay i'm gonna casually glance to the side and see if cute boy is with anyone...alright...*casual glance* YES. he's free. i can make eye contact. Hi! I'm melissa!

cute boy: Hi! I'm Curits!
curtis? oh my gosh he's beautiful. but curtis? Now all I'm thinking of is curtis anderson.
I'm from Northern Colorado!
Cuuuuuuuurtis Anderson.
I'm studying to be an engineer.
me: that's cool! I knew that already.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
I mean, I'm not trying to be creepy or anything, it's just you have an engineering book under your chair and i noticed it when i was looking at you.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! FIX IT NOW
 to see if you had a partner already...
okay that's believable i guess. he smiled, so he probably doesn't think you're too bad. but you're still an idiot.
Curtis: I served a mission in Calgary Canada.
me: Canada! wow! that's awesome! when did you get home? curtis anderson curtis anderson curtis anderson
curtis: Last month, I'm fresh out of the field. this is only my second semester, i don't really know anyone here.
me: .....oh, you don't know anyone? you could get to you know...know me if you want.

me: I'm from Fresno, California! My brother served a mission in Colorado! I've got a few friends serving there too right now. got a bunch of friends all over actually
*curtis laughs*
OH MY GOSH HIS LAUGH IS PERFECT. HE LAUGHED AT ME. IM FUNNY. wait, that wasn't even funny. IT WAS A PITY LAUGH! UGH NO! 
I'm 18
why did you say that, now he knows you're an infant. DONT BE STUPID, MELISSA.
I'm an elementary Education major, but i'm actually thinking of changing to Marriage and Family. you know, going for that MRS degree.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, YOURE AN IDIOT. oh. oh wait, he's laughing. YOURE COMIC GOLD, HONEY KEEP GOING. holy cow his laugh is great. nice teeth. good hair. he looks clean. fresh RM. 

Professor: alright, let's wrap things up now...

Me: Well, Curtis it was great to meet you!
Curtis: You too, melissa! I'm sure it'll be a fun semester!
*i raise my hand for a hand hug. he high fives*
Me: be cool be cool, he didn't know. Oh...I was going for a little...
*I wiggle my thumb to suggest a hand hug* you're an idiot, melissa. a complete idiot.
Curits: Oh! I'm sorry...
*laughs*
 kill me
...there we go, much better
*completes hand hug*
we touched. it's fate.

I spent the rest of the class trying to keep my hair out of my face so Curtis would have a clear view. you know. of mah face an stuff. in case he was looking at me. and i tried real hard not let it show on my face that i was dying every time he laughed. kill me. those eye wrinkles.

-monday april 22
________________________________________


This morning in book of mormon i knew i had to redeem myself. I got there a few minutes before class, and so did curtis so i was thinking of clever things to say. I had a good pudding joke worked out so i turned to talk to him but then the teacher started class. rats.
then.
TTYP. Turn to your partner

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS

So we had our ten minute discussion on Nephi and obedience and faith. that was great. He had good insights and It always feels good to have your thoughts echoed by someone else, yeah?
and then after class ended i took my time packing up so i could walk with him. but he was taking forever and i didnt want to be obvious. you know. so i left. but once i got in the hall i walked reeeeallly slowly. and slowly down the stairs and slowly out the doors and slowly down the steps of the building and slowly down the sidewalk. no cute curtis. I casually glanced around and he was nowhere. bummer. so i stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk to see if he has gone up toward the Ricks building or something. i stopped. turned around. and immediately made eye contact with a tall guy about ten feet behind me.
yup.
it was him.
cute curtis.
in the following five seconds i:
my eyes popped out of my head and i gasped out loud. embarrassed, i literally pulled my hand in front of my face to shield my red face and turned around saying, "oooo" under my breath in despair.
meanwhile he had seen my face, laughed and then looked at the ground to stifle his laugh, then started to look back up at me with a dang smirk on his face and one of his eyebrows cocked and a his hand sloppily hiding the fact that he was still trying not to laugh at me. it was straight out of a movie, his face. but i didn't want to catch his eye again so i turned around and sped walk like a yoga mom until i got to my dorm.

clearly, i'm not going to have a boyfriend any time soon.
I don't know how to behave around boys i actually have crushes on. and then when i'm around boys that are just my guy friends, i'm fine.

________________________________

Also, on another note:
I'm feeling a lot better. I was really, really REALLY homesick for the past week. Mozart, prayer and journaling do the soul some good.

Dewwa

i miss my baby Jenna more than anything. I hate the thought of her growing up without me there to take a thousand pictures of it all. I hate knowing that when i see her this summer, she won't recognize me. She won't remember all of our tricks. She won't remember that I'd hold her up in the air and tell her to be a little lion, and while she threw her head back and roared I'd say, "SIIIIMBA!!" She'll forget how to dance and go "ah ahhh ahhhh ah ah ahhhh" when i ask her if she can sing. She'll forget how to stick her tongue out at me. She won't remember to point to Derek's picture when I ask who her favorite is, and then to switch to mine with a little grin when i make a sad face. And she won't remember that we'd play peek-a-boo with her blanket or that she rubbed my back with her teeny little hand when i was dead from getting my wisdom teeth out. She won't remember to copy my head movements while she eats yogurt and she won't sign "flower" to me with the same smile. I hate that she'll forget that we walked to the mailbox every afternoon and she'd pull down the flap and I'd pull out the mail and she'd look SO proud of herself. She'd sit in my lap and listen to me tell stories. She looked around bright eyed when we went on walks around the neighborhood. I love the way she'd nuzzle into my shoulder when i held her or the adorable coos and giggles she made when we played outside. The way she trusted me. Her smile, her laugh. Watching her wobble as she walked unsteadily from object to object. I miss her ten tiny fingers and her kisses. I smothered that little girl with kisses from sunrise to sunset.  I miss her. too much to say. I just miss her.
loving a baby is strange. It's like no other kind of love I've ever felt.
She's a perfect little human who loves me unconditionally. She doesn't know my fears or insecurities, she just loves me. She always made me happy, no matter what hard things were going on that day. Just making her smile brightens my entire day and makes everything totally worth it.

Amador Sunday

A year ago today i was the state drama competition in Amador, California. I woke up on Sunday morning content. I'd just won best two person scene in state, I was having a ton of fun with my friends but there was a lot going on around me that was just bad. awful, really. I mean, I'm sure you can imagine all the things that happen when a bunch of drama kids stay at a hotel on the weekend on April 20...

Anyway, as soon as i actually opened my eyes, i felt sick. 

It was a Sunday  and i was away from home but the year before i had coerced my director into driving me a mile to the closest LDS chapel. 

a separate tender mercy? that there was an LDS chapel a mile away from our hotel.  

My cousin Teddy was there at the hotel with me senior year, she was a junior. And again our director agreed to drive us to church. I was grumpy because I had to wake up early and i was emotionally drained from the weekend and just everything that had been going on. I grumbled. But we got to the church building, walked inside and immediately i was at peace. It was like all my worries melted away at the door. 

The people were kind, they came up and talked to us, introducing themselves and wishing us a happy Sabbath. They sang my favorite song as the opening hymn. The Sacrament was passed and while we all sat together quietly, i was so grateful. so full. I prayed in my head, thanking Heavenly Father for this congregation and for this chapel. For the church and His gospel. And for Teddy, because she made the whole experience more tender. I love that cousin of mine. 

I just thought of that this morning. And i was grateful for the remembrance of something good. because today was really rough. being away is really rough. 

Also I'm reading "Heaven is Here" a memoir of Stephanie Nielson, my hero. If you haven't heard of her, look her up. honestly.

In the Heights

Madera South High School just closed their production of the Tony-award winning musical, "In the Heights". It was fantastic. So fantastic, that i literally went to all but one showing. 

I saw the play nine times and never got tired of it. In fact i enjoyed more each trip.

I love people. I think that's one of my God given skills, loving things intensely. It's a burden sometimes actually. To be so passionate and to be so emotionally invested in people. Because it happens fast and sometimes that scares people away. But i love having moments with people that knit us closer together. moments that i think back a lot. 

I am passionate about people. 

The ones that i love, i Love. 

And the ones that i don't, i don't. 

like many other things about me, there is not really an in between. 

It was strange going back to my high school and not being on stage with my friends. It was weird not knowing all the lines at the beginning and not belting out the songs with them.

It was gratifying however to see my friends on stage. I loved seeing them so excited about theater and i loved watching them perform so effortlessly. Especially Eric and Taylor. because I've never seen them in a big role before and i was just so proud of them! I felt like a big sister, and I know that's cheesy but i see them as like my little brothers. they're adorable and fun and i love them like little brothers, so it was really happy seeing them doing so well on stage.

Over the course of the show I went with a lot of different people; My sisters, my old friends who graduated a year or two before me, friends who are current but i haven't seen because i was in Idaho, and current friends. like i said, i love my friends.

Brief comment:

WHY ARE DOMINIC AND JANELLE THE PERFECT COUPLE.

I'm so proud of the cast! I felt like i wasn't cool enough to be around them hahaha. They were incredible and  honestly? I hope Ellie, Eric and Christina allllllll sent tapes to dang Broadway because they were phenomenal. Ellie was FLAWLESS. every. night.

I love the whole cast, though. I LOVE THEM ALL, OKAY

this is my favorite song from the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pF9z--VnJyY

"Alabanza"

ooooo Christina's voice a capella. so good.

Seriously Ellie, you're perfect.

\this is her solo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cRLH43qeGM&feature=youtu.be

cousin Teddy Bear

Taylor Beakes is one of my favorite people in the entire world. deal with it.

Also? shout out to Brandon Giles for the AMAZING set. Damon the dancing was so intricate and perfect for the show!  seriously how many high school shows have you seen that look this good?

And? Joel Presley is my hero. and Jared Hughes. the vocals in this show were brilliant! really though, this did not sound like high school kids.

I love "In the Heights"

I love theatre.

I love Mrs. Ginger Latimer who makes it all happen. she's a fantastic director. In the Heights was her Sixty eighth production here. How incredible. I LOVE her.

and that's it.

Harold & Minnie

I got here a few days early for spring semester so I'm in my on-campus apartment alone. I went to walmart to get groceries and had to walk all the way (2 miles) back to campus with 12 bags in my hands. I was getting tired, and then my bag of apples split open. I said a little prayer as i was picking up the apples that i could get a safe ride to school, or that Heavenly Father would help me have the patience to finish walking. literally right after i said amen, an old buick pulled over and the elderly couple driving offered me a ride.
The husband said as i got in the car, "I saw you walking but didn't want to be late for my wife's doctor's appointment, so i didn't say anything."
"But then I said" the wife interjected, "Harold pull over and give that poor girl a ride!"
They drove me all the way to my dorm and still had time to get to their doctor's appointment. I thanked them a thousand times and then said goodbye. they were too sweet!!
grateful grateful

Princess Rory

eight years old. in church on Sunday there's a new family. It was their second week, but my first time seeing them. The Dad looked taller than the green giant. So did the oldest brother. The sister had a smile that spread like wildfire. The other brother was wearing a star wars tie and had ears that stuck straight out. The beautiful Mother had a mini me. That mini me was Rory.  Just a tiny blonde thing with the rosiest cheeks you can imagine. 

He was kind and meek and the best listener this side of the Mississippi. 

Sophomore year of high school, Me, Nolan and Rory are driving to stake youth choir. Nolan is driving, I'm in the passenger seat and Rory's in the back. Nolan and i are talking about flu vaccinations. I glance back in the rear view and see that Rory's window is rolled down about three inches and the front chunks of his hair are literally blowing in the wind. He had a pleasant look on his face like a Disney princess. I honestly laughed for a good minute. and from then on i referred to him as "princess Rory". 

Also i think it should be made known that our entire Seminary class referred to him as "THE rory" for two years. AND every one loves rory. everyone. honestly never met a single person that disliked him even a little bit. it's impossible.

tryin' real hard not to laugh.

laughing anyway because He's hilarious.

Rory is leaving next Wednesday to serve a mission for our church in Tokyo, Japan. but since I'm now in Rexburg, we said our goodbyes Sunday evening. I literally walked to his house like a dang creep because i wasn't about to let him leave without saying goodbye to me. sneaky snake.

He hates pictures, so naturally i made him take ten.

He's great.

He's gonna be the best missionary. 

peace out, Ror. 

2 years will fly by. 

also, marry my best friend Janelle, okay? done.