Dewwa

i miss my baby Jenna more than anything. I hate the thought of her growing up without me there to take a thousand pictures of it all. I hate knowing that when i see her this summer, she won't recognize me. She won't remember all of our tricks. She won't remember that I'd hold her up in the air and tell her to be a little lion, and while she threw her head back and roared I'd say, "SIIIIMBA!!" She'll forget how to dance and go "ah ahhh ahhhh ah ah ahhhh" when i ask her if she can sing. She'll forget how to stick her tongue out at me. She won't remember to point to Derek's picture when I ask who her favorite is, and then to switch to mine with a little grin when i make a sad face. And she won't remember that we'd play peek-a-boo with her blanket or that she rubbed my back with her teeny little hand when i was dead from getting my wisdom teeth out. She won't remember to copy my head movements while she eats yogurt and she won't sign "flower" to me with the same smile. I hate that she'll forget that we walked to the mailbox every afternoon and she'd pull down the flap and I'd pull out the mail and she'd look SO proud of herself. She'd sit in my lap and listen to me tell stories. She looked around bright eyed when we went on walks around the neighborhood. I love the way she'd nuzzle into my shoulder when i held her or the adorable coos and giggles she made when we played outside. The way she trusted me. Her smile, her laugh. Watching her wobble as she walked unsteadily from object to object. I miss her ten tiny fingers and her kisses. I smothered that little girl with kisses from sunrise to sunset.  I miss her. too much to say. I just miss her.
loving a baby is strange. It's like no other kind of love I've ever felt.
She's a perfect little human who loves me unconditionally. She doesn't know my fears or insecurities, she just loves me. She always made me happy, no matter what hard things were going on that day. Just making her smile brightens my entire day and makes everything totally worth it.